seeking an audience

[britannicus]

http://www.literotica.com/s/meeting-anita

I just posted this bdsm story, but don't seem to have had a lot of feedback yet, I would value your opinions

 

[JLCC]

I'd drop the preamble

I didn't take a deep dive into the story, tbh. Overall, BDSM isn't my cup of tea.

What my perception was that it did feel somewhat mechanical, and I know exactly why. The italicized preamble set a tone, for me, that this coming erotic event is scripted.

As a story, of course it is scripted! But, for an actual event, knowing what is to come takes away from the passion. Despite my reticence towards BDSM, I recognize the inherent passion and anxious anticipation; maybe even knowing what is to come but not how or when.

Back to the preamble, perhaps a dedication to your sub would serve the story better.

 

[britannicus]

I didn't take a deep dive into the story, tbh. Overall, BDSM isn't my cup of tea.

What my perception was that it did feel somewhat mechanical, and I know exactly why. The italicized preamble set a tone, for me, that this coming erotic event is scripted.

As a story, of course it is scripted! But, for an actual event, knowing what is to come takes away from the passion. Despite my reticence towards BDSM, I recognize the inherent passion and anxious anticipation; maybe even knowing what is to come but not how or when.

Back to the preamble, perhaps a dedication to your sub would serve the story better.

Thanks for your very honest and constructive Appraisal. I kind of see the whole thing as a tribute to her, but you make a good point.

 

[JLCC]

You're welcome. I am by no means a master writer, but that stuck out to me.

I have no idea what elicits comments on a story. Some have lots, some have nothing. It certainly would be nice to actually read what people think, but clicking a rating is way too easy. Guilty here!

 

[litmlove]

- You observe most English language rules which is good, you still need an editor. Mostly because of some strained idioms and the missing word type errors.

- In fact, my biggest "problem" with your writing is your over reliance on idioms. Maybe this is personal preference because I prefer more clear and direct language.

- I don't like your opening. on line --> online. Also "got to know her" + "as a special lady" = idiom combo confusion bonus. I know you are using idioms for their imported meanings, but this is beyond being indirect and steps over the line to being completely vague. It is implicit that she will be used as a fucktoy because the story is in the BDSM category on an erotica website, but without context the sentence could be about a close friend, his surrogate mother or a prostitute. Is this how you want to introduce your story about BDSM? I don't think so.

- britannicus is right and I can't give you a ready-made solution either. More tension perhaps? Suggestions for tension: put your female character in jeopardy in the heat of the BDSM, "more promise less action" (and deliver on your promises), and less action.

 

[britannicus]

thanks

Lots of feedback there and once again thanks. I think an inherent issue, is this is part story, part instructions for Anita, so had to stick to our agenda for next Friday. Anita btw very pleased with the interest in our antics.

next shot will be a full piece of fiction set in 1st century roman society, so I will allowing myself a much freeer hand.

xxx A

 

[robertreams]

sorry, but maybe only a one on my peter meter. Sounds like an instruction manual. your people are shadows seen through a scrim. The scrim is your style. It gets in the way, frequently asking the reader tio focus on the writer rather than creating life-like characters.
I am not sure of this, but I think the problem is a total lack of emotion in the writer and his characters.

Never try to tell a literal true story. True stories are boring. like newspaper stories. Facts can never measure up to fantasy. Force your characters to the limits, not to a prescribed agenda, let them free to behave or misbehave in an unexpected fashion. Don't inform us that Anita is special, make her behave in special ways. Don't tell us she has had sex with other men, let us feel it, taste it, smell it! Don't say you inserted a butt plug, describe it, describe what her asshole looked like taking it in, etc.