Seeking Advice

[amandacqueen]

I think I’m about to hit my limit and this is my last attempt to seek if it’s even worth fighting for. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 10. I met my husband here so that will give you somewhat of an idea how this started and obviously we were both very sexual people. Fast forward to day and that sex is gone. And trust me it’s not because of me. We have had our ups and downs but we have always fought through it and came out stronger. I’ve recently realized that my husband is a narcissist, like every type of narcissist rolled into one person. We have our kinks and a lot were similar but now he is obsessed with having sex with my Mother, my sister, my cousins and anyone that is female and related to me. At first I went with it, he made it hot, but then he got too real. Now it’s like the only way he gets aroused is he lays there I have to “talk dirty” to him about these other women I stroke him and play with his balls and 3 times out of 10 it starts sex. It’s literally all about him. He doesn’t touch me when I’m doing this. It’s like he is using me to get off. Then usually half way through sex if we even have it he can’t stay hard. Side note he jerks off at least twice a day so I know that may be effecting the sex. Now if I try to talk to him or bring this up and trust me I have learned that I have to bring it up calmly and make sure not to say the wrong thing because then he gets pissed blames me for being needy and whiny and just stops talking. I mean I just want an active sex life with my husband. I have no issues giving head or even getting kinky but I want something in return and I want to be wanted and needed and I don’t want to have to talk about him fucking other women to get him hard to fuck me. I’m sorry I know this is all over the place but I’m looking for any and all advice. Good or bad because I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

Thank you for your time

 

[EmpressV]

What a horrible dynamic. I'm so sorry.

Things are clearly to the point that you're both entrenched in your positions. You need a reset. A therapist can help you with that.

So: therapy - with him, or by yourself. If money's an issue, a lot of therapists and universities that have counseling training programs offer free or reduced-cost therapy.

The sooner you get started, the more of your life you get to spend feeling better.

Sending you a hug.

 

[Discoverer]

Just sent a PM.

 

[hulmule]

Sad that when you have a willing partner ,someone , somehow pushes for more. Glad to hear your trying to discuss and get communication going. Living in a sexless marriage i have NO communication. My wife will not talk about it. Hopefully its a phase and it passes, but then it might be something else. Wish there was a reset button. Good luck, PM if need to chat to blow of steam, maybe you can help me figure it out

 

[TheShez]

Love. Real love, is giving. Not taking. That goes for sex too. What ever my wife needs is what she gets. I make sure of of it. And she does the same for me . It is on us both for our lives and love to flourish.
We find that what is going on in the bedroom directly affects what happens outside of it. And vice versa too. A tough honest conversation is necessary. And possibly a tough decision.

As others have offered. Please, Pm me if you like. Even if all you need is someone to vent to.

 

[AnAmericanDarling]

What a horrible dynamic. I'm so sorry.

Things are clearly to the point that you're both entrenched in your positions. You need a reset. A therapist can help you with that.

So: therapy - with him, or by yourself. If money's an issue, a lot of therapists and universities that have counseling training programs offer free or reduced-cost therapy.

The sooner you get started, the more of your life you get to spend feeling better.

Sending you a hug.

This is the stupidest piece of advice I've heard. Amanda is not the one with the problem, the husband is. Get that straight.

 

[Com9licity]

What a horrible dynamic. I'm so sorry.

Things are clearly to the point that you're both entrenched in your positions. You need a reset. A therapist can help you with that.

So: therapy - with him, or by yourself. If money's an issue, a lot of therapists and universities that have counseling training programs offer free or reduced-cost therapy.

The sooner you get started, the more of your life you get to spend feeling better.

Sending you a hug.

This is the stupidest piece of advice I've heard. Amanda is not the one with the problem, the husband is. Get that straight.

I'm inclined to agree with An American Darling on this.

Sadly I don't have the time to respond correctly or at length. If you check my posts there are threads both from my current incarnation as Com9licity, and past life here as Complicity.

In my humble opinion (I'm no expert), I agree with your narcissistic assessment, it does seem to be all about him! He does seem a very selfish lover now.
There is obviously more background here that we are not privy too that are contributing factors. Without making this all about me, all I can say is my lady can be very selfish as a lover but not in the same way you guys are experiencing. But by contrast I'm the one with the high sex drive and she merely requires her body's natural sexual release ones every six or seven weeks or so without much thought to me.

Your partner sounds very much like he has become almost controlling, to the point where this is evolving into mental abuse. This isn't good for your health both physically or mentally.

Personally, I'm a firm believer that if there are children involved then both parties should make a dammed good go at it before calling it a day (sorry, just my opinion). That said if you guys don't have a family together, and you are having doubts... there probably is no doubt of what you should do! Life is way too short sweetie and there are no do-overs!

Feel free to PM me at some point if you would like to chat privately.

 

[MrZeno]

Sorry OP. I hope that you figure out what is right for you.

 

[blulilacgrl]

What a horrible dynamic. I'm so sorry.

Things are clearly to the point that you're both entrenched in your positions. You need a reset. A therapist can help you with that.

So: therapy - with him, or by yourself. If money's an issue, a lot of therapists and universities that have counseling training programs offer free or reduced-cost therapy.

The sooner you get started, the more of your life you get to spend feeling better.

Sending you a hug.

This is the stupidest piece of advice I've heard. Amanda is not the one with the problem, the husband is. Get that straight.

Going to see a therapist doesn't mean she is in the wrong or that she has a problem.

As EmpressV said..."So: therapy - with him, or by yourself"

If he goes, maybe they can find a way to salvage the relationship, maybe he will actually learn something (although if he is indeed a narcissist, the chances are slim).

Going by herself, may help her figure out how to deal with him (because at the end of the day you can't really change people unless they want to change, but you can change how you react to them), maybe figure out why she's stayed this long, what's motivating her to stay, and maybe ultimately help her find the strength to leave while also figuring out a safe way to do so as narcissists are extremely unpredictable when faced with losing something or someone.

 

[ImiGirrst]

Going to see a therapist doesn't mean she is in the wrong or that she has a problem.

As EmpressV said..."So: therapy - with him, or by yourself"

If he goes, maybe they can find a way to salvage the relationship, maybe he will actually learn something (although if he is indeed a narcissist, the chances are slim).

Going by herself, may help her figure out how to deal with him (because at the end of the day you can't really change people unless they want to change, but you can change how you react to them), maybe figure out why she's stayed this long, what's motivating her to stay, and maybe ultimately help her find the strength to leave while also figuring out a safe way to do so as narcissists are extremely unpredictable when faced with losing something or someone.

The best piece of advice I ever got when it came to my marriage was to go to therapy. Because if it worked, you got your partner back and things were better than ever.

If it didn't, you could leave knowing you did everything you could to make the marriage work and could leave with a clear conscious.

Basically, you couldn't lose. From personal experience, I can tell you, it's completely true on both counts having been married to a narcissist.

The trick is when you go into therapy, you have to promise yourself you have to be completely and totally selfish. You have to be a bitch on your own behalf. If you aren't, don't bother. You have to be true to yourself. If you compromise, you'll waste your time and energy and you'll regret it to the end of your days. You are all you've got. You have to be your own best advocate and the harder you are to win for yourself, the better off you will be.