seeing ex with new flame

[needs2ride]

Recently seperated, im really starting to worry about what it will be like to see the man i've been with for 12 years with a new woman, and that woman with my kids. Im with someone right now, but still afraid of seeing this. Did any of you get jealous, pissed, both at the sight of seeing your ex with a new girlfriend/boyfriend. How did you deal with it so that it didn't eat you alive?

 

[Bobmi357]

I understand that my ex has a boyfriend now. If so, I pity the poor SOB. Maybe it was hard to for her when I hooked up with my wife. I don't know, although I do know that the few times she and the ex talked on the phone, it was a rather cold conversation. My wife was unfailingly polite and my ex unfailingly cold.

I don't think its possible for me to have any feelings one way or another concerning my ex's dating/love life. By the time of our divorce what little feeling we might have had for each other was long dead and gone. Now more than 10 years later, its nothing more than a bad memory.

 

[Vixandra]

Hmm... that can be a tough thing to deal with.
My normal consolation is that guys who break up with me tend to date completely immoral sluts next- ie girls who are cheating on them, etc. Has happened multiple times, oddly enough. Rather sad to watch history repeat itself, especially when I know the new girl is screwing someone else and not my ex. Kind of vendictive pleasure in that.

The best revenge is to look/feel great. Don't give any hint that you're missing him.
I'm also fond of the getting a new beau- one that's handsomer/buffer/whatever-er.

But then, I'm a venditive creature naturally.

Can't really say much to help- but I wish you luck in finding something that does.

 

[sheath]

Recently seperated, im really starting to worry about what it will be like to see the man i've been with for 12 years with a new woman, and that woman with my kids. Im with someone right now, but still afraid of seeing this. Did any of you get jealous, pissed, both at the sight of seeing your ex with a new girlfriend/boyfriend. How did you deal with it so that it didn't eat you alive?

I was married for seven years. The marriage ended mutually, on very friendly terms...we even had the same attorney. It was so nice it was almost ridiculous.

The first time I saw him with someone else, it hurt like hell. Never mind that the divorce was mutually desired, never mind that we had gone through so much counseling we could have been counselors ourselves, never mind that I was living with someone at the time. When I was on the receiving end, it hurt like hell. I got so angry, so sad, and so irrational, my boyfriend-at-the-time was worried.

Time helps. I know it sounds trite, but it does. It also helped to keep remembering that he was a good guy, who made good decisions, and that our children came first...I kept reminding myself that he would never do anything that wasn't in the best interest of the children.

And eventually, I came out of it. I met her, talked with her, and decided I liked her immensely. I'm still sad that relationship ended between the ex and her...I was very comfortable having her around my kids. She was (and still is) a really great woman.

I trust that when he gets involved with someone again, he will use his best judgment. And I also trust that the children come first, which trumps everything else.

I guess you just have to let yourself feel it. There is no point in fighting it...after all, he was YOURS for so long, it is really hard to break out of that old habit of 'mine, he's mine, you leave him alone, dammit!' Is he the kind of man you can talk to about it? Can you come right out and tell him that you feel strange about the idea of seeing him with someone else? His responses might surprise you. When I mentioned it to my ex, his response was nothing but clear, constant reassurance. It helped.

Good luck...you're in a place where so many of us have been. This thread sure as hell brings back some memories...



S.

 

[needs2ride]

Thanks so much sheath, that was the pep-talk i was looking for! my only concern now is if he's not gonna flaunt some floosy in my face "look what i got NOW" kinda attitude.

 

[flawed_ethics]

I wouldn't normally reply to this (in part because I've had a few to drink) because I've nothing to add directly concerning the topic, but if sheath is involved, I must ask, as it sort of pertains to this topic:

How does one who has moved on approach the ex who hasn't been able to so far?

My friend and his new g/f (although they won't admit it) are getting it on in the next room as I speak, which means I lose $5 on a bet. Regardless, he's moved on (trust me), but as he tells me, his ex (of 7 & 1/2 years) hasn't. He left a message on her machine three days ago, and apparently she broke down crying just hearing his voice (or so she told him when she called him back).

Since they were both mutual freinds of mine, I'm trying to toe the line. Knowing her as I do, she would cry upon hearing his voice - she's an emotional person. But I get the sense that he's unsure how to approach the issue beyond being a good freind. Is there anything else/gesture he can do to make things easier between them? (I don't think so, but what do I know?)

Sorry to hijack the thread needs, but I'm compelled, and, as I've said, I'm ineberated. Thanks.

(edited to change grevious spelling errors.)

 

[sheath]

Originally posted by flawed_ethics
...but if sheath is involved, I must ask, as it sort of pertains to this topic:



My bad day just got much better.

How does one who has moved on approach the ex who hasn't been able to so far?

My friend and his new g/f (although they won't admit it) are getting it on in the next room as I speak, which means I lose $5 on a bet. Regardless, he's moved on (trust me), but as he tells me, his ex (of 7 & 1/2 years) hasn't. He left a message on her machine three days ago, and apparently she broke down crying just hearing his voice (or so she told him when she called him back).

Since they were both mutual freinds of mine, I'm trying to toe the line. Knowing her as I do, she would cry upon hearing his voice - she's an emotional person. But I get the sense that he's unsure how to approach the issue beyond being a good freind. Is there anything else/gesture he can do to make things easier between them? (I don't think so, but what do I know?)


Here comes a ramble. Just 'cause I'm in the mood.

I went through something like that with the Music Man (gee, remember THAT thread???) and I quickly learned that my problem was not missing him, exactly...the problem was that I was co-dependent as hell. I had made him the center of my world. To put it in perspective...I handled the end of a seven-year-marriage with a good measure of maturity, I think...I went through the nights of crying for what might have been, but it never got to the point of crying the moment I heard his voice. The Music Man, however...one phone call from him could send me into a tailspin of crying that lasted for days. Literally. It was all based in the fact that I wasn't strong enough, emotionally, to handle it.

My friends helped me immensely, mostly by helping me realize I was co-dependent. I'm not saying that is the case of your friend...she might not be. But it is something worth looking into. You can google co-dependency and find all sorts of lists that might help you decide if you think she is acting accordingly.

If she isn't, and it is "just" a broken heart...I know that having someone to call in the middle of the night, or better yet, having someone call ME in the middle of the night to ask if I was okay, helped more than I could even begin to explain. Just knowing someone was thinking of me was the best way to counteract the negative emotions.

You can help on some level just by being there.

So far as what HE can do...honestly, the best thing might be to sever all ties for a while. She has to have time to learn that she CAN make it on her own. When she hears his voice, it takes her back to a time that no longer exists, and that makes it hurt even worse. I would suggest he call her and let her know that he will not be talking to her for a while...that HE needs space, and so does she...and then follow through. Don't call, don't go see her, don't write an email...nothing. Some would call it tough love, maybe.

At first she will likely fall apart on some level...start calling him all the time, start trying to find him, feel panic and fear that is completely irrational...but eventually, she will realize that he is not there and, lo and behold! She is still alive. She is still functioning. She is still getting through the day. Then one day becomes two and two becomes a week and a week becomes a month, and then she realizes she has moved on.

Like I said, it's a ramble...but I'm in an introspective mood. All my posts are going to be loooong today. LOL

Good luck, with both your friend and his ex. Judging from what you said here and the thread you started a few weeks ago, you are the kind of friend anyone would be proud to have.

S.

 

[SXCRgirl]

Thanks sheath.

This post helped me today.

 

[boot lover]

I too am very recently separated.(3 months)She left me for another man.Long story short,I am glad she is gone,I'm better off without her BUT it kills me everytime I think about her with him and due to the way she left me,I don't know when I 'll get over that part.
I am moving on at my own pace.I am not looking for someone else right now and I don't think I will for quite some time.

ABout the only thing I can suggest is to do what Sheath said.Sever all ties.I have done that and it has helped me.The fact that it pisses her off is icing on the cake.

 

[Pimptress J]

Recently seperated, im really starting to worry about what it will be like to see the man i've been with for 12 years with a new woman, and that woman with my kids. Im with someone right now, but still afraid of seeing this. Did any of you get jealous, pissed, both at the sight of seeing your ex with a new girlfriend/boyfriend. How did you deal with it so that it didn't eat you alive?

I hurt like hell just knowing that he was with someone else. So far I haven't seen the latest cookie. I get pissed to high holy hell when my son tells me about her being around, and all the fun that they had, but for his sake I don't (or I at least try not to) let it show.

As far as how I deal with it, I have seen what he cheated on me with, and I seriously had to laugh. I was pissed and wanted to beat her ass, but a friend was with me (ty Betticus) and made me feel better. He said " I thought the whole point to having a piece on the side was to move up, not down". That made me feel tons better.

I am dreading that first meeting though.
But at the same time, I know he won't find a woman as intelligent as me, one that will be as dedicated to him, or be half the woman that I am. Sure, he can always find a prettier piece of fluff than I, but I was the total package. You have to remember that. You will always be their mom, you will always be the mother of his children. You will always be connected to him in one way or another. To be an adult about things is the best way.

*Oh, and never let him see you sweat, don't try to compete with her in front of him, and don't make fun of her to your kids or to him. That is what your friends are for!

 

[je404ucd]

Isn't it a biological drive to feel possessive of past sexual partners? Some part of trying to further your personal genetic line?

I mean that as a cause, not an excuse.

 

[ABN_Ranger]

When me and he Ex firs split, I couldn't stand the thought of her with another guy. For about a year, friends had to physically restrain me from going over to them if I saw her with another guy in public. Everynow and then... I still get a lottle over protective of her... almost killed one of her boyfriends for hitting her, It's been 6 years since we seperated, we've both found great partners that we couldn't possibly be happier with. It just took her longer to find what I have.

J