)
Hi,
I thought Jeri was believable as a character, particularly in the way she tried to understand how the magic worked and her ethical response when she discovered how it did. I believed she was a doctor and a person who thought through things logically and scientifically.
Having said that, there were one or two places where her reactions seemed off:
"...That caused a three car pile up with Elliot involved. No deaths? From everything I'd known about accidents like these there was always at least one fatality. That's just statistical probability after all. Thousands of cars pass big rigs every day..."
This was odd to me as her first reaction to Elliot being hurt. It seems like her first questioning would be the amazing coincidence that it opens up a position for her, not that Elliot didn't die in the accident because it is statistically unusual.
In general, I felt that Jeri accepted the Grey Temple magic too quickly, especially when she should have been afraid of the lady with the tentacles or been considering how the magic might subvert her wishes a second time.
Like one of the commenters, I consider pain a turnoff, but I also thought the first scene was hot. So kudos for that. Perhaps you have something here, as a story idea. What person wouldn't submit to the Grey Temple in order to get what they wanted? Sign me up! (Seriously, how do I sign up?
This makes me wonder about the horror element in the story and what the stakes are for Jeri. I feel like she doesn't really have to give anything up (sexual control, yes, but she thoroughly enjoys that and accepts it, so it isn't really a cost). Her relationship with Elliot remains intact, and there are no apparent long term consequences of the geas or the sex that it involves.
The first time she engaged in the contract, she paid in unintended consequences. This is a familiar trope with magic and wish fulfillment, because there always has to be a cost for that kind of power. But with the second contract, Jeri seemed to have easily fixed everything and avoided any meaningful cost.
I think there are many ways you could address this. She could be more conflicted about relinquishing sexual control, or lose Elliot when he finds out what happened, or find herself transformed somehow by the geas. But I think there should be more in the way of consequences for her decision, particularly in the horror genre. To me, horror always seems to be about some loss of something, usually control.
So, sympathetic character, good sex and tentacles are all a plus. Overall, I liked this story and found it thought-provoking. Thanks for writing!
-Yib
