Secrets

[Nicole]

Have you ever held a secret close to your heart, thinking that if you told someone they would never look upon you the same way?

I have, and to have that secret lifted and share it with that one special person felt wonderful. Then to learn, that special person shares the same secret as you, is like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders.

Problem is that you can't share this secret with anyone but, that one special person. So in turn the weight has been put back on your shoulders.

You see their is a group of people that like to think that they are all open minded about things, but thing is, that certain aspects of each and everyone of us would shock someone here on this board.

That maybe they come across as very flirtatious on the Board but in actual fact in real life, they are shy and lonley. They may be funny and witty on the board, but in real life, their boring as hell. Then you get the ones that are shy and embaressed on the Board, but in real life they are the tigers of the world.

My point you may ask? People on this board like to think they are open minded and accepting of most things sexual, when really, when you are faced with something "different" you all jump on that person. Why is it that some people accept things really easily and others find it hard to accept them?

I'm the same, I've jummped on people for liking things that I don't see as right, but aren't we all here to listen and learn about all things sexual, all things political, all things whatever the topic may be. Why is it that some of us find others "Turn ons" unacceptable? How do we keep from jummping on them and explaing our point without getting too emotional about it?

You see I know a lot of you see me as sweet, and that although I may flirt on the board, I'm actually nothing like that in real life, but I do have a fantasy that I know probably 80 - 90% of this board would find offensive, and I'm finding it hard now to keep that part of my life in line. I guess I'm finding it hard to keep both personalities working for me. I just don't know how to let the old one go and bring the new one in.

I have my friends around me, and they are trying to help me deal with the two vastly different personalities, so please forgive me if I'm not the "Normal me" that you all know.

I have a secret that is burning through me at this time in my life that I can only share with the one I love. How do I deal with that in a manner that isn't going to disrupt my life?

Listen, any advice would be welcome here, I need to really work this out, so I can be the person I want to be. Please if any of you have any ideas, help me.

 

[Silverlily]

How important to you is this thing? Would your life without it be the same? Secrets like that can be like a precious heirloom, take it out too often and it may get broken.

I also have some things about me that I keep solely to myself. Would I ever share them here? No. None of you would believe me anyway, so why? The funny thing is, there are some right now wondering what horrible thing I hide. Secrecy often has a negative connotation.

Nicole, there is nothing wrong with having a part of you that is private. And while I agree the need to share can be great sometimes, remember it is also interesting to have something about you so unique, it only makes sense to you.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I feel for you sweetie. I have a secret too. I have harbored this secret for almost 8 years now, and it's not even my secret. The contents of the secret has hurt me and my relationship with the StudMuffin terribly, but it's his secret that he has to let go. I just bear the burden of having to carry it.

Big hugs from Muffinland to you.

As far as anyone on this board, other than the people you consider close friends, who the heck cares what they think? You came clean with a relationship scenario that wasn't anyone's business but your own, that was beyond the norm. Some people jumped you, others supported you. All that matters in the end, however, is what you think of yourself.

 

[Nicole]

Thanks for trying to understand me. Please don't think that I'm keeping secrets from Havoc, I'm not, and he is a wonderful man that makes me more than a little happy.

I have actually talked with him about this and he will be as shocked as hell to even see this thread.

I'm just a little afraid that by me being the two personalities that I talk of, I may put my relationship with him in danger, because I'm not being the me that I so badly want to be.

I'm also afraid that I'm losing a grip on the person that you all think that I am. I do think a lot of you all and although I will never meet most of you, I still worry what you all think of me. Something that I didn't think bothered me but, well it does deep down.

I just wanted to take the time to thank both Kitten Eyes and Killer Muffin for their help. Teressa the letter you sent me meant more than you could possibly ever know, I'll get back to you tomorrow my time.

Ezzy I will Email you and you could maybe help me out.

Again please know that Havoc is a wonderful man that I love with all my heart, and I DON"T keep secrets from him. I just think that a lot of you wouldn't accept some of the secrets that like I say, most of us hold.

Kitten I agree that some secrets are best held close to your heart, I'm just glad that Havoc shares this secret with me and understands it.

Again thanks for trying to help me. You all mean a lot to me.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

I feel for you sweetie. I have a secret too. I have harbored this secret for almost 8 years now, and it's not even my secret. The contents of the secret has hurt me and my relationship with the StudMuffin terribly, but it's his secret that he has to let go. I just bear the burden of having to carry it.

Big hugs from Muffinland to you.

As far as anyone on this board, other than the people you consider close friends, who the heck cares what they think? You came clean with a relationship scenario that wasn't anyone's business but your own, that was beyond the norm. Some people jumped you, others supported you. All that matters in the end, however, is what you think of yourself.

Says it all...


And Nikki... you know where I live and if you want I am just a cheapish phone call away.

 

[Nicole]

Chef you have no idea what that means to me. Thank-you.

I'm okay everyone, I'm actually really happy, I just feel that I'm cheating you all, and if I'm not cheating you then I'm cheating him, I just want to be what you all want me to be.

I'm just finding it a little hard right now.

Please understand if I'm not myself.

 

[Svedish_Chef]

You are yourself and always will be, my dear

 

[Sammyjo]

Nicole,

As we grow older, wiser, more experienced, we sometimes realize that the person we show to the world, isn't really the person that we are. I've gone through this, and I think you are going through this same thing.

I met a man who showed me so much about myself that I didn't even know, sexually, and otherwise.

For a long time, I denied myself simple pleasures because I was punishing myself for my "sins". I have learned that there are certain things I have to let go of. The past is the past. I've lied to many about who I am. I've forgiven myself for that. You have probably noticed a change in my postings, or my e-mail, or my ICQ.."you" meaning anyone who is reading this..I've come to realize that you will never please everyone on this board. There are some names I see and cringe, roll my eyes, whatever...I'm sure that is true for all of us...I have written some rather personal things on here. I've been criticized, ridiculed, flamed..who cares? Say what YOU want to say..."confess" what you want to confess. If there is something you need to say that is burning you up, say it. There will always be those people who say "I'm open minded. I visit this site, it's called Literotica, and we talk about *shhhhhh* S.E.X. So, I know I'm one of the most accepting persons around." This statement, or variations thereof are complete bogus. There is always going to be that ONE thing that a person finds utterly repulsive...and when brought up, they will either have a big to do about it, or ignore it.

Remember when you first told me this Havoc thing? I was so concerned...I think more for Rosebud than anyone. I thought it was this big secret, and she was going to get it right in the ass (ummm...the bad way...heehee) Then, you explained things to me, and I relaxed about it. I didn't want anyone to get hurt...and I've been convinced that isn't going to happen...I'm fine with it. Was a bit shocked when it all came out on the board, but ya know...

I guess what I really am trying to say is this...you be you. Don't let some bully online tell you that what you desire most is sick or disgusting...because chances are, they have some deep, dark, festering secret that you would find repulsive...only you will hear it by way of troll (or unregistered user) instead of from the "real" person. A lot of people think they are so real on here...most of them are not...even if 20 of them post behind me saying they are.

You need to find what makes you happy and go with it. I have, and I feel a lot better this way...even if no one can stand me.

 

[Gingersnap]

I think sometimes the line between acceptance and approval gets blurred. I do know this once you embrace yourself and what it is that makes you happy, you will not really want the random approval from others. Or should I say not need it from others. I do not understand quantom physics but it does not mean I do not accept it. I may not want to hear about it or read a lot on the topic, but it doesnt mean I reject it. I may even ask questions about it. It doesnt mean I want to start really getting into it. Nicky do what makes you feel happy and share your secrets with those you love. The rest is not important.

 

[coach]

I guess I'm finding it hard to keep both personalities working for me. I just don't know how to let the old one go and bring the new one in.

I have my friends around me, and they are trying to help me deal with the two vastly different personalities, so please forgive me if I'm not the "Normal me" that you all know.

Dear Nicole {{{{{{Nicole}}}}}}

We are who we are. We all have different personalities thats what makes use who we are.

To many people in RL I.m very quiet and shy, On this board I'm a wild and crazey guy ( oops sorry wrong board) sorry just jokeing.
But to my kids I'm very a strict man. At work I'm forward.

Inside I'm avery caring person, but that side never gets out.

What I'm trying to say is that we are all different people in different places but that dosn't change who we are to who we are dealing with at the time.

We know you as a sweet lady, and just because you have a differnet life or personna from what we know dosn't change the part of you that you are when your here.

Just my two cents

 

[forgetunome]

Nicole...

it's too hard to try to live up to everyone's expectations of what they think is acceptable and right...mainly because each person has their own levels of right and wrongs...there is no way to make all happy! So....what it boils down to is making yourself happy...and to heck with a few that get insulted they weren't friends anyway!!

I have no idea what your going through but...I do know I always enjoy your posts! I like the way you are...and if you feel yourself changing...or evolving after all that is what life is about...I am sure I would still like you!

I don't know if what I was trying to get across has come across but...live life to make you happy!!

Wishing you the best!!

 

[SpankerSam]

Hello Nicole:

From a males point of view, an open minded male at that, I can agree with you. many people who claim to be open minded, do so only to find out what secrets you have that they can exploit. I have found that when I discuss with a friend or loved one the things i harbor dear, they in turn either see me in a different light or later use this secret to get something they want.

Every one of us harbors things we hold dear. We want like anything to share them with someone. Someone who will understand and be there when we want to talk about it. But having been burned many times, i found that it's best to keep it to myself. In my writtings I play many roles. I am meek, gentle, dominant, demanding, incestous and sometimes a very ugly person. many people would like to know just who i really am. In truth, i am all these things but I am only to people what they want to see. If they knew me, as i know you feel the same way, they would never loook upon me the same way. I hope you have gotten some insight into yourself from posting this question.

 

[Nicole]

What a wonderful response, Thank-you all for taking the time to read my post and give me all the info that you have.

Let me start by saying that I'm more than happy being the person that I'm becoming or have become, more so than the person that I have been.

Sammy you said it perfectly ...

I met a man who showed me so much about myself that I didn't even know, sexually, and otherwise.

For a long time, I denied myself simple pleasures because I was punishing myself for my "sins". I have learned that there are certain things I have to let go of. The past is the past.

Again like you, I'm not talking just sexual here, I'm talking day to day changes.

I guess what I really am trying to say is this...you be you. Don't let some bully online tell you that what you desire most is sick or disgusting...because chances are, they have some deep, dark, festering secret that you would find repulsive...only you will hear it by way of troll (or unregistered user) instead of from the "real" person. A lot of people think they are so real on here...most of them are not...even if 20 of them post behind me saying they are.

See that's what I don't want, I don't want you all to "find out" about me through someone that truly doesn't know me.

I also know that I have let this worry me beyond what it should because, Havoc does know and he does accept every part of me. He has watched me grow and change in the last few months and has stood by me through it all.

Nikki do what makes you feel happy and share your secrets with those you love. The rest is not important.

How true that is Gingersnap, and like I say he does accept it, loves me for it too, so I guess I've worried for no reason.

Sometimes it takes others to show you that before you fully realise.

Spanker Sam, I have no idea who you are but, what you said is truly how I feel, people aren't as accepting as they like to think they are, I too put it all down in my writing, and I have even been shown a place where I can go (and I do) that I can be me without worry or fear that I'm unacceptable. Like I have said many times in this thread alone, I also have a wonderful man that is accepting and more than happy that this change is happening.

As "Nicole" I was unhappy there for a while, not knowing if I was coming or going, not knowing who I truly was, but I knew that I was happier as this "Other" person. When she finally broke through and I started to be her everyday, not feeling ashamed by being her, I found that I was happier and more accepting of situations.

So as it stands today, I'm a happier person for changing, I just worry that you all will notice a difference and I don't want to hurt any of you in the process.

Please don't panic, I won't be biting heads off or screaming at people, far from it really. I just wanted to forwarn you all that I have gone through a change and I'm more in tune with myself than I have ever been.

The secret still lies with me, and I do have a wonderful man to share that secret with. So thank-you all for your help and understanding on the matter.

I will Email all the people that Emailed me during this time. Again Thank-you. You have all helped me beyond what I thought any of you could. You are truly wonderful people.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Wow. Well, I'm intrigued.

Can't beat a supportive home life. Next to your health and a big shower stall with lots of places for shampoo bottles you can't ask for anything better in life.

I haven't seen people truly "jump" on each other here for their sexual preferences, not with any worthwhile malice, unless it has to do with abuse (usually through underage incest), rape, or untreated psychological problems (bestiallity, necrophillia). I wouldn't be shy of us accepting your appetite, but please keep it just as private as you wish without pressure.

Stay happy.

 

[Samuari]

Damn,Late Agian

Nicki, I don't have any idea what your secert is, nor do I need to, to say to you that you are loved and accepted unconditionaly by many of us here. I know you from reading what you have said here, and I think that would be imposable for anyone to consistenly present a false image to us for over 2200 posts. We are not that stupid. You would have been found out if you were not the person that we have learned to know and love. So Babe, rest esay in the warm glow of our love, you have it unconditionally.

 

[Nicole]

DCL ... Thank-you. But the home life is very supportive, it's just something that I couldn't share with them.

Sam you sweetie you. Thank-you ((((((((SAM))))))))