Second Story. They say it's HOT.

[Randen]

Here is my second story; Arribada of Love. What does it mean? Read on.

SKip the first paragraph (sentimental garbage). I have no idea what I tried to do. As for the rest, look, listen and decide. Any feedback, good or bad, is welcome.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=49287

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=49287

 

[ladyphoenix]

Randen's "Arribada of Love"

What's wrong with the first paragraph? Aside from one little punctuation glitch, I like it.

Verb tenses matching ie: "It is not that I do not enjoy [present tense] my teaching job. I loved [past tense; should be LOVE] it. I thrived [past tense; should be THRIVE] on it."

"...what a beautiful morning?" that shouldn't be a question.

Your dialogue is a bit stiff. You have your characters speaking in what would sound very formal and false, if you had two actors reading their parts aloud. Try speaking the dialogue out loud and ask yourself if this is really how people speak. For example:

"...one more day and we are off to Grandma's place." OR "We're leaving for Grandma's tomorrow!"

"...have you packed your bag yet?" OR "...are you packed?"

"Don't worry, I am almost ready. I spoke to your mother last night. She told me Grandma would leave the key with her neighbor." OR "Don't worry, I'm ready. I talked to your mom last night. She said they would leave the key with Mrs. Beasly."

"I have not thought about..." OR "I haven't thought about...."

When writing dialogue, USUALLY people would not say "I am". They would say "I'm" contractions are easier and sound more natural. This is not always the case, but in casual conversation between friends, it seems to be the norm.

This sounds like a trip that's been planned for a while. Why would he have to tell Karen now, when they're leaving tomorrow that they'll be taking an 8-hour bus trip because his car won't make it? Surely she knew that before now. This would have been better outside of dialogue, in some narration, because you might want to tell the reader, but Karen already knows.

I'm still confused about the relationship between Ben and Karen....how are they connected? (I am jumping ahead here to skim......AH they are cousins. Okay, but you might have put this at the beginning of the story)

"Fine, whatever you demand, I will go and prepare myself." As dialogue, this is VERY stiff, pardon the pun.

"If I suddenly stopped now, it might just cause her to withdraw into her cocoon" Hmm. I don't remember this (Karen withdrawing from others) as a problem before now. Don't use it as his justification for continuing just because it sounds convenient. He might think about whether he's gone too far, then say to himself, "nah...Karen would never think he was serious; she was just as playful as he was and after all, it was all in fun" THAT I can believe.

Why, when he returns to the room where she is, does he ignore "...her startled face deliberately..."?

"I felt a sudden stirring in my groin when the inner surface..." This is an EXCELLENT paragraph; smooth and perfectly descriptive and great at moving us forward!!

"I need to move the towel just a little lower," her tongue fought against the dryness inside her mouth. Now, this is tricky. The story is primarily being told from HIS point of view (POV). Earlier you added her POV ("Karen paced up and down while she..." That whole paragraph was her POV, then we switched back to his). We are now in Ben's POV, and this statement "...her tongue fought against the dryness in her mouth" is worded so that it SOUNDS like Ben is aware of it.
Better to say, "I need to move the towel just a little lower," Karen murmured, sounding as if her mouth was dry." Because the SOUND of her mouth being dry is something he would have in his POV.

Also, why does SHE have to actually untie and move the towel? He probably should have done that, if they weren't intending for this to be sexual. And WHY does she have to rub moisturizing cream on his BUTT??? I know, it moves the sexual part forward, but it's too odd, when neither of them seems to be intentionally being sexual at this point. A woman in her position would just skip what the towel covered, for propriety's sake. You can move the lust ahead by the fact that her hands are on his body and she's straddling him, etc.

"Initially, her knuckles worked fast...." Okay, another POV problem. We are STILL in Ben's POV, so he cannot know that she "...watched excitedly as my buttocks clenched each time...." because he's face down on the floor. If he can't see it, then he cannot tell us about it. You'd be better off switching to her POV here, OR saying something like,

"Initially, her knuckles worked fast and hard against my skin but the pressure changed, the speed changed as her hands drifted higher underneath the towel..." By the way, why is the towel still on him? She's touched his bare ass, for goodness sake. If he has underwear on, why would she be so embarrased that she needs the towel? "I heard her gasp with what sounded like excitement...." Again, the sound of her is something he CAN identify, and relay to us.

Right after this, you switch to Karen's POV. Maybe you should have switched to her in the previous paragraph.

"Beads of sweat formed..." We are still in Karen't POV, and I was enjoying her struggle with her own feelings (very well done). But The third line here is: "Keeping her gaze on the visible bulge between my thighs [by the way, is it SO big that she can see it even when he's laying face down???????] she placed her hand over her crotch...."

By using the word "MY" here "...my thighs..." you have Ben talking to us again, telling us what's happening (ie, his POV) but he can't see her; he can't know what she's doing so he can't tell us. This whole paragraph should continue to be from her POV.

"Control yourself, you slut, she thought". You have her talking to herself here, which is very effective and makes the reader chuckle. But her first two thoughts wanting him and this line make it sound like she has two voices in her head, so I'm thinking multiple personalities. Better to say, "How much I long to feel him touching me, to take me quick and hard! Trying to calm herself, Karen reminded herself that that kind of thinking would get her nowhere. She was acting like a slut!"

From "Ben, I am finished...." all the way down to "The friction of her heated cotton panties, confirmed that my head was fully exposed." You do a great job of moving back and forth between the POV's of both characters. The following paragraph which begins, "Karen rubbed her hands...." mixes them up again.

"Karen rubbed her hands along my arms and down my sides. [HIS POV] She gazed with interest at the contours [HER POV] of my [HIS POV] half-exposed cock. I wish I could feel what it would be like to kiss this part, to run my tongue over it ... [HER POV through to the end of the paragraph]"

"She watched my face for any sign of rejection". His eyes are closed. How does he know this?


Okay, from here I'm only reading and not critiqueing line by line. There are continued problems with mixed POV's, and some mostly minor punctuation issues (putting commas in the wrong spots, etc.) But the thing I have the most problem is the whole first sexual encounter incident. She's in college and has NEVER seen a man's penis before. She's perfectly innocent when she asks to see "IT" and touch "IT" and he lets her! I know this is a common way to segue into the sexual, but here it doesn't work; it's just not believable. As it turns out, you don't even use it as the actual bridge into sexual contact; you have him stomping out (and into his bedroom WITHOUT locking the door, knowing that she's in the house and desperately curious about him sexually, he does the most natural thing in the world--masturbates with his door open, not thinking that she might want to watch) And she keeps her vibrator in the same bag where she keeps her "project folders"????? Come on.

Now I get to the end of the first page and realize I have four more pages ahead of me. Honestly, I don't want to read; it seems like too much work. However, I start skimming.

"...her magical crotch..." What can I say about that?

They aren't really cousins???? Only step-cousins, and not related by blood. Now I'm really confused. Is this an incest story or not?? Incest implies related, at least by marriage, and they aren't. SO WHY IS HE FIGHTING IT??

You use "taught" when I think you mean "taut"



Well, I got into page four, and I have to tell you, while the story had great potential, it was too much work to read. It frustrated me with the constant initial POV switches and impossibilities and after getting through all that, I find out this isn't really an incest story (did you feel too guilty, making them blood cousins?) and his whole rationale for avoiding her wasn't even valid.

Not my cup of tea.

 

[Ray Dario]

Hi Randen,

Okay, here is my feedback. Remember that this is just my opinion, okay.

The story line is engaging and your characters do come to life. I didn’t have time to finish the entire story, but I will go back and read it later. That alone shows you that it was interesting.

Now on to the problems I found.

I know you said to skip the first paragraph, but a reader can't do that and feedback on a story shouldn't either. The first sentence is the most important sentence in a story, followed very closely by the last sentence. Those two sentences should never be skimped on, ignored, or forgotten. They must be powerful. If done well, the first sentence pulls the reader into the story and the last leaves him/her wanting to read more of your stuff. If done poorly the first sentence can keep the reader from reading the story and the last can keep the reader from reading any more of your stories.

First sentence is a comma splice.
A hazy blanket dissolved gradually across the dark blue lake while the rays of the early morning sun skimmed across the shimmering water, a gentle breeze played lightly like a butterfly.
Should be:
A hazy blanket dissolved gradually across the dark blue lake while the rays of the early morning sun skimmed across the shimmering water. A gentle breeze played lightly like a butterfly.

Last sentence of the second paragraph, "herself" is not needed and makes the sentence feel wordy.

General observation. Learn to use contractions. They are not just for dialog anymore.

Tense shift in paragraph three. Last sentence in present tense, the rest of the paragraph is in past tense. Watch out for this. You actually do this frequently through the story and it is pretty jarring to the reader.

Those days, she was still quite shy and conservative; at least, that was what she portrayed herself. Whether she faked it or not, I was not too sure.
Should be:
Those days, she was still quite shy and conservative; at least, that was how she portrayed herself. Whether she faked it or not, I was not too sure.
If you leave the "What" then you need to say "to be" on the end of the sentence and that makes it wordy.

Since you chose to write the story in first person, you shouldn't talk about what Karen thinks. Unless you are reading her mind you don't know what she is thinking so don't tell the reader. This is a major problem for first person. If you choose to write from this POV then you need to be true to it. Third person omniscient is what you should have done this story in since you spent so much time on her thoughts.

Remember that the first sentence and paragraph need to be strong and active to pull your reader into the story. The lack of contractions in your story makes it feel stuffy. You might want to go back after you finish writing and look for places to use contractions. It will give your writing a more relaxed feel and make the reading easier.

This is a very long story, but it is interesting. You write well and you know how to develop your plot and your characters. I hope you keep writing and submitting to Lit.

Ray

 

[Randen]

Feedback

Ladyphoenix and Ray,

Thank you both for your honest and invaluable critique. I have learned quite a lot.

Ladyphoenix, I got the picture. I fully agree , there were quite a few weak points to concentrate on. I had the plot set out, but it changed rapidly as new ideas started to filter through. This was my first experiment with POV's. It makes total sense now.

I will, however, arm-wrestle you on the 'magical crotch' issue. It might not seem much, but, it was that 'magic', which inspired me to write.

Ray, if you don't mind, could you explain, "Third person omniscient and what you mean by "The lack of contractions".


Thank you again for the time you have taken to read my story and your very helpful feedback.

 

[Ray Dario]

Re: Feedback

Ray, if you don't mind, could you explain, "Third person omniscient and what you mean by "The lack of contractions".

Third person omniscient is the viewpoint where the narrator is free to move into any of the character’s heads. This gives you the freedom to do what you did in this story.

“I was walking down the street.”

Is First person. A character in the story is actually telling it.

“You were walking down the street”

Is Second person.

“He was walking down the street.” Is how it would be written in third person.

Then you have simi-omniscient, which if I’m not mistaking is usually limited to one or a few character’s thoughts. Omniscient allows the narrator to move from character to character. Basically the narrator knows everything and can tell everything.

About the contractions. Go back and read the story and see all the places you said “it is” or “can not” or “will not” etc. Especially in dialog, but even outside it, using contractions “it’s”, “cannot”, “Won’t” etc. helps the writing look less formal and more relaxed and makes it easier for readers to feel comfortable reading the story.

I’ll use one of your sentences that I’ve already quoted to illustrate.

Those days, she was still quite shy and conservative; at least, that was what she portrayed herself. Whether she faked it or not, I was not too sure.

to

Those days, she was still quite shy and conservative; at least, that’s how she portrayed herself. Whether she faked it or not, I wasn’t too sure.

In this sentence alone I would have used two contractions. In my opinion they make it read easier and smoother.

Hope this helps explain what I meant.

Ray

 

[Idle_Hands]

I only read the first chunk, but it's a good story. The characters are compelling, you move the events along in an enticing manner, and you don't use all those sex story cliches. In short, it's definitely in the category of something that's worth reading for more than stroking onself.

Now, if you aspire to make it really good, there are things you could do, much of what's been talked about already here. I just wanted to say that you could also stop here and be proud of it.

One thing i was pleased with was the way you didn't let them have sex the first time. that's so very rare in the stories you see around here.

I'm not sure i see the incest angle being too strong. Sure, they're cousins, but the story might work as well if they were unrelated, but had some other sort of prohibition (teacher/student comes to mind).

I guess cousin/cousin incest stories might not seem risky or taboo enough to me, so discount this if you care to.

I think the thing with it being first person and you still hearing her thoughts might be workable. it jarred a couple of places, but it also worked for me. i know thats breaking all kinds of rules, but i still kind of like it. it could take serious work to get it right, though.

good work. i'll check out the rest soon.

- ih