Second opinion wanted

[CiaoSteve]

Looking to get a second opinion on my latest chapter . . . Bablee has just pleased her lover with a double dildo, when her husband walks in on them. He has a little problem, then runs his fingers over the bulge in his trousers. What little problem?

It will be around 7K words, starts off as lesbian but ends up as a most passionate fuck.

I hope the spelling and grammar are reasonable, but there is always something I miss. What I am looking for though is the feeling as to whether the story works or not.

Happy to return the favour for other writers. Can send to you as a word document or text in e-mail.

 

[CiaoSteve]

Here's a taste of the story if anyone fancies giving it a read and letting me know what you think . . .


Any reservations from the young woman seemed to have disappeared, so now it was time to get that bit closer still. Fingers around the bottom of her jumper, I eased the soft fabric upwards, pulling back only far enough to let the fabric slide up between our bodies. Lucy didn’t resist and before long I was pulling the garment over her head and discarding it on the floor. A quick fumble at the clasp and then her lacy white bra followed suit, a brief glimpse of small pale tits being revealed before I pulled her in close. This time it was breasts squeezed up against breasts as we snuggled closely. We cuddled, we kissed, I nibbled at her ear lobe then whispered once more.

“What about your jeans? Would you like me to take them off too?”

“Yes, please,” came a now enthusiastic reply.

It took no time at all for Lucy to lose those faded jeans along with the cutest pair of white panties, and for my little black skirt and stay-ups to go the same way. For a moment the two of us stood there, totally still, eyes fixed on each other’s naked bodies. We were a catalogue of opposites; tall versus short, curvaceously full versus skinny pertness, olive brown versus porcelain pale, and finally shaven versus neatly trimmed. I still wasn’t sure what turned me on the most. Was it her diminutive frame, or maybe the perfectly shaped little firm tits, or even that close-cropped blonde bush, or just the sheer ashen skin running top to toe?






Post no more than 3 paragraphs on the forum per Lit guidelines.

 

[SyleusSnow]

Happy to take a look, especially if you wouldn't mind giving your thoughts on one of mine. PM me.

 

[Charrla]

For me, it's perfectly good until the very last line: "sheer ashen skin running top to toe."

This is confusing. Are you talking about a garment?

1) Sheer means somewhat see-through, and is often associated with panty hose.
2) Ashen has a negative connotation. People look ashen when something has scared them, or when they feel very ill. And if she's at least partly of African descent, ashen is close to ashy, which is also a negative quality.
3) "Skin running top to toe" is an odd way of describing someone's skin. It sounds like she's wearing a skin suit, a la Buffalo Bill in The Silence of the Lambs. I'm sure there's a better way of saying that the woman's whole body is being taken in.

At any rate, that whole sentence took me out of the moment as my brain tried to construct what exactly was meant by it, especially as the rest of it was pretty well written.

Now if it was explained in some other paragraph that she's really just wearing a sheer grayish full-body nylon suit, I stand corrected.