Searching for her. (Closed for Willowrush)

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

He had picked a more upscale place for their date. There were a handful of reasons for that. He was coming straight from work and he didn’t want to be over dressed. The second was he wanted an intimate dining experience where they could talk and get to know each other, and somehow having to shout over the raucous of a TGI Friday’s just didn’t appeal to him for such a crucial first date. He managed to arrive early, he had specifically set the time frame back just in case he got held up at work.

How he managed to get out of work on time he wasn’t quite sure. The entire day had been a blur looking back, he hadn’t be able to keep his mind off this date tonight. Through their long correspondence Sora had managed to really draw him in. He enjoyed her wit, her intellect, her passionate views. He found himself impatiently waiting for her next message, just wanting to hear from her. He had been on several occasions tempted to ask for her phone number so that they could talk more frequently. It became harder and harder to resist that urge for several reasons. One, just craving that extra connection with her, another was something he had not gone out of his way to disclose, he was a rather intense audiophile. Voices really had a way of tripping his trigger, and that was both a torture in wondering, and a good reason to wait until they met before talking to one another. He had told her they would not end up in bed tonight no matter what. However if he had to spend weeks hearing her voice, her laugh, teasing little sighs and the other small audio queues that he always picked up on, he might have gone into this date already half out of his mind.

He already knew what she looked like, man she was gorgeous, and she knew what he looked like as well. She had been less forthcoming with how she felt in the department of his looks, but she agreed to the date so it couldn’t have been that bad, right? He had already gotten a seat and was waiting for her arrival. Running his large hand through his short brown hair he kept his eyes on the door. He was fidgeting at this point, every nerve ending was buzzing with anticipation. He had adjusted his tie three times in the last minute. The dark black tie was struck through with diagonal strips of light blue that matched his dress shirt.

He scratched irritably at his Goatee and checked the door again. The waitress came by and introduced herself, he barely paid attention to the name, but he greeted her warmly as she set down two glasses of ice water and asked if he needed anything else. He noted a hint of flirtation in her tone and he raised a brow, and shook his head. “No thank you, waiting for my date.” The girl seemed a bit crestfallen by the news, but smiled and moved on to her next table.

Returning his attention back to the door he caught sight of Sora entering the restaurant and smiled warmly He slid out from the booth and stood up to his full height. He waved to the door and caught her eye. She made her way through the wending tables and booths toward him. He pushed out a breath as she came nearer. She was even more gorgeous in person. His eyes made a quick sweep, but quickly landed back upon her face.

There was always that awkward moment when you first meet someone, unsure of if you should hug them, shake their hand, kiss their cheek. He blew straight past it. Taking both her hands in his much larger ones, he brought them together and pulled them to his lips. Keeping his eyes on hers he kissed the back of each hand. Then he spoke, his voice given depth by that barrel broad chest contained within the thin fabric of his dress shirt. His voice had this rich, soft quality about it, just a hint of a southern drawl. Several of his female clients commented on how much they just loved to hear him speak when they worked through a problem. “Sora, I am so glad to finally meet you in person. Please; “ he motioned to the booth and waited for her to seat herself.

“I hope you didn’t hit too much traffic. I picked this place because of the proximity to work. Sometimes I get held up and I didn’t want to be late.” He settled himself into the booth across from her and smiled. “You look stunning.”

His breast pocket lit up and began chirping. He winced and gave her an apologetic look. “Forgive me, that is my work phone. Let me make sure nothing is on fire.” He gave an exasperated sigh and snatched the phone out of his pocket. Unlocking it with the thumb scanner he looked over the message, sent a brief reply and then silenced his ring tone. “I’m sorry about that. One of my new hires forgot something. She couldn’t figure out why her commands were not going through. She forgot to close a port on our client side router. Smart girl, but it is her first week and there is a lot to learn. I was drowning in my first week too.”

He stuffed the phone back in his pocket. “So, what brings a pretty woman like you to a place like this?” He offered a crooked grin.

 

[Willowrush]

Sora lifted the edge of her long dress and stepped carefully out of the taxi with more than a few butterflies in her stomach. Honestly, it might be hard to eat. She had not dated in a very, very long time - not since the beginning of her last relationship, and that one she'd practically stumbled into. This was not exactly her forte.

Nervous energy focused in a tight knot behind her sternum as she stepped though the doors and into the lobby.

This was always the worst part, meeting a stranger for the first time - that uncanny valley, where your mind attempts to match the voice you read with the voice you hear. But she'd gotten to enjoy talking with that voice. Chris' stories were engaging, and though he hadn't opened up on too intimate a level (which, who could blame him - she hadn't, either), from the way he made sure to say he enjoyed her company - hell, even from the choice of stories themselves and the way that he told them - he was clearly a warm person. There was potential here. And he'd done all the right things so far, immediately laying out boundaries - clearly, he was being responsible about arranging the meeting. Not that she wouldn't have been, of course, but it was always an encouraging sign to see the other person recognizing potential concerns and actively addressing them. It made her less concerned she'd miss something important.

This... ought to go well? But, not like that knowledge was going to stop her from being nervous.

Goodness, no.

Still, the plan was to simply do what she always did: dig deep, be emotionally honest, and hope she would be found interesting as she was. And that he would turn out to be good as he seemed.

The place was certainly beautifully lit, soft, diffused warm white bouncing off each surface. She walked straight on into the dining area and searched the faces, looking for a table of one, when she saw someone stand across the room and wave.

Oh...

He was handsome.

Well, not that she hadn't technically known that already. They had exchanged pictures after agreeing to meet in person, so she knew he had an interesting face, was tall and built like something of a tank. But handsomeness wasn't actually necessary for her. Once in high school, she'd had a pretty strong crush on a boy that, if she were honest, she thought was a little on the ugly side of neutral... simply through the force of his genuine and obvious kindness.

Honestly, in retrospect it was a little funny that it'd taken her 20-odd years to find out she was asexual. Someone really ought to have noticed and mentioned something before then.

Still, him being handsome was... nice.

And now she could actually see him, see a person, the butterflies began to turn from anxiety to anticipation.

She smiled in response to his wave and walked briskly to their table, flowing lavender dress and waist length wavy black hair spreading out behind her.

Sora herself was 5'4, brown-skinned and brown eyed, the standard mix of several European countries on one side, Latin American on the other. She'd been told once that the indigenous side really showed in her eyes and cheeks when she laughed.

As she approached she saw him reach down for both of her hands, and in an automatic response she offered them - only to experience a brief moment of confusion. Like when you meet a stranger on a sidewalk and fumble trying to pick which side to cross on. Both? Which... was this a shake?

So when he took both her hands and lifted them each to his mouth, quite intentionally meeting her eyes, she was... stunned.

"Sora, I am so glad to finally meet you in person. Please." Fuck, his voice was pleasant, too.

She really ought to say something, but, no - nope, words... words were not happening right now.

She blinked to herself and slid carefully into the booth as he continued to talk, then settled himself in as well and smiled at her. "You look stunning."

A small bashful laugh burst out of her and she glanced down at the table, smiling. She settled on her seat and straightened her back, looking up, but before she could get anything out, his phone rang. He looked pretty chagrined - bad timing, definitely, but it was hardly his fault work had called him.

He returned the phone to his pocket. "So, what brings a pretty woman like you to a place like this?" he asked, with a crooked grin.

Sora laughed a little self-consciously, and gestured smoothly with a hand and a nod in his direction. "A network admin, apparently."

Her voice was expressive, clear and warm - a mezzo-soprano, if she were to sing.

"I did QA in videogames for awhile, before moving full time to illustration. One place I worked had a six-person team, all on networking. I couldn't do that, I'd find it far too tedious. Thankfully, my team was on mission scripting instead. Much more fun."

Sora offered him a warm smile.


https://m.imgur.com/afb3JIX

https://m.imgur.com/gpshBkJ

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

He was completely dazzled by her. She was beautiful, and in that dress it looked like she should be ball room dancing, or perhaps at a high class fund raiser, he suddenly felt under dressed! Then she spoke.

Oh that voice. He was completely screwed.

His toes curled inside his shoes and his pupils dilated. She might even be able to hear to low, soft rumble inside the pit of his chest that sounded like a predatory animal growling; it creeped out before he could suppress it, but it lasted for only a few seconds. He regained his composure and smiled at her with a self-conscious chuckle of his own.

“Good answer. I also would have accepted ‘Man who is so full of nerves and excitement about this moment for the entire day that he forgot to silence his phone.’ First one sounds better though.”

Grinning he let her continue and listened attentively.

“Oh? I wish I had the ability to draw. I lack the fine motor skills, and coding? Forget it. One comma or period out of place and you can spend hours looking for the mistake. Makes me want to throw something. I like the purity and logic of the network terminal. One line at a time, one step at a time. If you make a single mistake it rejects your command and you fix that one problem and move on. I think I could enjoy doing mission scripting though if I understand it as you are stating, so you are more story board? Writing out what the adventures? Teachers in school always told you “You are either right brain or left brain. Logical or creative.” Well I do both so I call BS on that. It is just rare I suppose.”

He stopped.

“And I’m rambling. I think I’ve talked more in the last 30 seconds than I have in our entire correspondence. I’m sorry.”

He took a drink from his class of water and then set it down with a low laugh and a rueful shake of his head. He let out a frustrated growl and looked into those amazing eyes of hers; his green eyes softening with warmth. “I don’t know why I am so nervous. Talking with you has been so comfortable lately. I have been letting you in piece by piece. Now you are here, you are tangible. Maybe that’s it? Suddenly things are real, or more so than they were before. I know you are just about as nervous as I am. I can feel it.”

He put his hands on the table palms up and drew a deep breath, expanding that barrel bread chest. The buttons protested the action before he let out that breath. His eyes held hers as he spoke. “Give me your hands Sora.” It was a warm, tender request. He paused for a moment, then continued speaking. “I am here because I don’t want to be nervous around you, I want to be open with you. I want to unlock the doors. I want to share with you things I don’t share with anyone else. I am the same man you have been talking to all this time and I am right here.”

He was taking a huge gamble coming on this strong and he knew it. Both of them were strong introverts, and doing this was about as close to a personal affront as it gets to an introvert, he felt completely exposed as well, but that was the trick to it. He was dropping his guard for her to try and show her there was no reason for all this fear and skittishness. He wanted them both to be comfortable so he did the only thing he could think of; completely dropping his walls for her and it terrified him.

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

He was completely dazzled by her. She was beautiful, and in that dress it looked like she should be ball room dancing, or perhaps at a high class fund raiser, he suddenly felt under dressed! Then she spoke.

Oh that voice. He was completely screwed.

His toes curled inside his shoes and his pupils dilated. She might even be able to hear to low, soft rumble inside the pit of his chest that sounded like a predatory animal growling; it creeped out before he could suppress it, but it lasted for only a few seconds. He regained his composure and smiled at her with a self-conscious chuckle of his own.

“Good answer. I also would have accepted ‘Man who is so full of nerves and excitement about this moment for the entire day that he forgot to silence his phone.’ First one sounds better though.”

Grinning he let her continue and listened attentively.

“Oh? I wish I had the ability to draw. I lack the fine motor skills, and coding? Forget it. One comma or period out of place and you can spend hours looking for the mistake. Makes me want to throw something. I like the purity and logic of the network terminal. One line at a time, one step at a time. If you make a single mistake it rejects your command and you fix that one problem and move on. I think I could enjoy doing mission scripting though if I understand it as you are stating, so you are more story board? Writing out what the adventures? Teachers in school always told you “You are either right brain or left brain. Logical or creative.” Well I do both so I call BS on that. It is just rare I suppose.”

He stopped.

“And I’m rambling. I think I’ve talked more in the last 30 seconds than I have in our entire correspondence. I’m sorry.”

He took a drink from his class of water and then set it down with a low laugh and a rueful shake of his head. He let out a frustrated growl and looked into those amazing eyes of hers; his green eyes softening with warmth. “I don’t know why I am so nervous. Talking with you has been so comfortable lately. I have been letting you in piece by piece. Now you are here, you are tangible. Maybe that’s it? Suddenly things are real, or more so than they were before. I know you are just about as nervous as I am. I can feel it.”

He put his hands on the table palms up and drew a deep breath, expanding that barrel bread chest. The buttons protested the action before he let out that breath. His eyes held hers as he spoke. “Give me your hands Sora.” It was a warm, tender request. He paused for a moment, then continued speaking. “I am here because I don’t want to be nervous around you, I want to be open with you. I want to unlock the doors. I want to share with you things I don’t share with anyone else. I am the same man you have been talking to all this time and I am right here.”

He was taking a huge gamble coming on this strong and he knew it. Both of them were strong introverts, and doing this was about as close to a personal affront as it gets to an introvert, he felt completely exposed as well, but that was the trick to it. He was dropping his guard for her to try and show her there was no reason for all this fear and skittishness. He wanted them both to be comfortable so he did the only thing he could think of; completely dropping his walls for her and it terrified him.

 

[Willowrush]

Sora did indeed hear the low rumble. It was kind of... *ahem* appealing, actually - the sort of sound you almost feel more than you hear it. Though she was a little confused what she did to cause it.

"And coding? Forget it. One comma or period out of place and you can spend hours looking for the mistake."

She couldn't help facepalming and interjecting a laugh. "Oh, god. Fucking semicolons." Why was the compiler's complaining always, always about a missing semicolon? Oh - he did have some (entirely reasonable) misunderstandings about what her QA jobs had entailed, but that was fine, they could be cleared up later.

“...And I’m rambling. I think I’ve talked more in the last 30 seconds than I have in our entire correspondence. I’m sorry."

She smiled to try and reassure him, shaking her head. "No - no, it's fine. Talking's what we're here for."

Sora watched as he took a sip from his glass and set it down - clearly, he was building to something he wanted to say, so she paused and made sure to leave him the space to say it. And she was right - he began, sober and warm.

“I don’t know why I am so nervous. Talking with you has been so comfortable lately. I have been letting you in piece by piece. Now you are here, you are tangible. Maybe that’s it? Suddenly things are real, or more so than they were before. I know you are just about as nervous as I am. I can feel it."

Well, he was certainly right about that. Those sentiments were more than a little familiar.

Chris put his hands out and breathed deeply, then met her eyes directly and addressed her with the kind of tenderness she really hadn't expected to hear from anyone for a long time.

“Give me your hands, Sora.”

She was too struck by the sheer sincerity in his voice to act immediately, and he continued on. “I am here because I don’t want to be nervous around you, I want to be open with you. I want to unlock the doors. I want to share with you things I don’t share with anyone else. I am the same man you have been talking to all this time, and I am right here."

Sora's eyes were trapped by his for a long moment as her brow furrowed and she began to breathe heavily, conscious mind silent while thoughts and feelings whirred, processing through the background. She recognized his words for what they were: an open offer of emotional intimacy, of... permission. Permission to come close.

Gingerly, she reached both her hands forward across the table and placed them in his. She shut her eyes with a pained expression and let a heavy breath out through her nose, slowly, controlled, firming her grip in his hands.

God, she was so touch-starved.

Alright...

Alright. Let's do this.

She opened her eyes and flicked them up to his for a second, before looking back down and concentrating on the blank table space between his arms while she determined how to begin.

"...Full disclosure." Still staring into the empty space, she straightened and bit her bottom lip, taking in and letting out a breath through her nose before continuing. But, she didn't let go of his hands.

"I'm twenty-nine. My last relationship, I was 20, 21 when it started, and he was an emotional, intelligent, charming man. We connected almost immediately, committed quickly. And I got burned." She paused. "...Badly. It took a long time before I was able to see through him."

She considered how much she ought to get into right now... no, finish the thought first. She tilted her head to the side and gathered her next words, then spoke matter-of-factly, punctuating each point with a bit of a nod.

"So, if I get awkward, or lose my words, or seem to not know how the hell to come close, or... whatever else might happen, I really can't say for certain at this point how I'll react to everything," She bit her lip again and released a breath, then let it go and settled her hands more firmly into his. "Understand, it's not because I don't want to be close. I may simply be shy and not used to it. Or, you might have just inadvertently bumped up against a memory, and some part in the back of my mind is warning me not to be that naive again."

She made herself met his gaze. Prolonged eye contact could be quite intense for her, but he needed to know she meant what followed.

"But I would like nothing more than to find someone I feel safe being completely vulnerable with. That's not something I've had before." She tilted her head and gave him a wry, self-deprecating smile. "And I was married."

"So, it may be work for me to get some words out. I can be pretty fucking bashful. But I also want someone with whom I can share the things I don't with anyone else... and I'm willing to try that with you."

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

It felt like an eternity, him hanging out there in the open, arms outstretched, waiting for her to respond. Would she accept his invitation? Had he over reached? Had he impinged too quickly, or too greatly on her need for privacy? It was hell, waiting for that answer and it did feel like he was waiting forever.

The look on her face said it all, or so he thought. Stunned and he thought that right there was his answer, but then it changed. Pain. That was worse! Her emotions unfolded in slow motion for him and each new emotion was dragging a dull, salted blade through tender flesh.

Until she took his hands.

He almost jumped from surprise. He had been so sure of rejection, that her embracing his invitation had barely occurred to him. However once she did the ache started to fade and he felt a momentary rush of euphoria.

The look on her face though tempered that feeling. This was a victory for both of them to celebrate, but it was also something to be taken with seriousness. Her opening words reinforced that knowledge. He spoke not a single word as she started to talk, he simple continued to speak, those green eyes softening; his thumbs tendering grazing along the back of her hands as he just allowed her to speak as little or as much as she desired.

He was quiet for a moment, thoughtful. He seemed to be taking in the weight of her words. He broke the silence briefly. “Do not mistake my silence a simple “I understand” is an inadequate answer for what you have given me, so I am searching for the right answer.” He smiled gently at her and then fell back into thoughtful silence, clearly mulling over his thoughts again. It was clear he was not put off by her confession, just weighing carefully how to phrase his reply. Finally satisfied he spoke.

While I can’t say I have been in precisely that circumstance before, I know what it is like to be betrayed by someone who had swept you up so completely you couldn’t see up from down. Something like that is a harrowing experience and makes you distrustful and gunshy, so to speak. Good news? I’m a low pressure guy naturally. Despite our first five minutes of our first date to the contrary.” He laughed. “Though that is because I normally date extroverts who pull me out of my shell. So here is the deal. If I touch a nerve, or if I notice you pulling back unless it is something that is extremely important for the development of our relationship take your time, take your space. If it is one of those rare occasions where we need to push through a level of discomfort, we will do it together as a team and as partners. How does that sound to you? I have always believed that while the dynamic we are both looking for appears unequal from an outside looking in perspective, at the core it is a partnership just like any other and requires the same nurturing and strive for balance as a vanilla relationship, but just a higher degree of trust.”

He paused for a moment and looked down at their bonded hands. The eye contact had become too powerful for him to bear. He could not recall if he had told her or not that when his bottom lip twitched like that it was a tell that he wanted to kiss her. He couldn’t help it, the eye contact just made him want too, and god she was just so damned beautiful. He cleared his throat and his mind, then met her eyes again.

“I think that is why I am so looking forward to exploring this with you. I have never had the chance to be with someone who had anywhere near the same level of emotional intelligence that I did. It usually became very exhausting to maintain. I don’t foresee that with you. I don’t see our relationship being emotionally one sided. Not on a consistent basis. Everyone has ‘me’ days, I just think things will go well, given half the chance.”

“Now I suppose I should return the favor. I’ve been in a few more relationships, and none of them have ended in marriage, several of them did end in spectacularly brutal fashion though. Apparently when I was younger and not yet into the things I was into now I attracted women who just wanted to take advantage of my kindness, because they did. The first was very emotionally abusive who thought the only way to keep me was to make me feel like complete shit about myself, which was in reality the only way to lose me, because I was very much in love and engaged to her. The second one swooped in after the fall out of the first one and used me to make herself feel better about her own failing relationship with her fiancé’ that I didn’t know about. After that I started exploring BDSM, but it took me a long time, because I basically had to write my own book on it. The traditional BDSM world is not very friendly to my world views, as a great deal of it is based on degradation and violence against women. Consensual or otherwise that shit is the quickest way to get me to start throwing punches. Oh I’m cool with hair pulling, some spanking, light choking, some basic name calling in the heat of the moment. Any more than that though, hard line. So I sorta made up my own rules. And it took me a lot of time to do it, partly because I don’t take on many partners, partly because I don’t fit the main stream. Now that things like the site we met on exist it is a little easier.”

“Do you have any questions for me?”

 

[Willowrush]

After she let the words off her chest, Sora sat in the quiet that followed and breathed deep, consciously relaxing her shoulders. She hadn't wanted to continue without explaining her reaction and letting him know where she was coming from - that was done.

All in all, the air in the room felt heavy, yet... peaceful. She was content to wait for him in the silence.

Especially because even before he spoke, his hands stroking hers let her know he had taken in what she said and valued it.

When he did begin, and asked her how his suggestions sounded, she gave a short nod. "Perfect. I did always expect you'd be communicative and patient - I just felt my part had to be said."

There wasn't really a natural place to interject, but it made her really happy to hear how much he was looking forward to this with her, specifically because of the kind of person he recognized she was. Which meant blushing down at her hands, apparently. God, she really was stereotypically feminine.

Then his train of thought shifted - she hadn't meant her explanation to make him feel obligated to bring up his own previous relationships, but she appreciated that she'd made him comfortable enough to tell her.

It didn't take long for Sora to begin squeezing his hands firmly as he spoke about his past. She never interrupted, but sympathy and concern were clear on her face. Perhaps even some of her anger on his behalf. Far too few people acknowledged that one sad part of gender equality was recognizing that not only can men be victims of other men, but women are every bit as capable of being abusers. And while she'd never been personally abused by one, too many people close to her had.

And, she could sympathize in other ways... Her own abuse could be hard for her to summarize to herself, not in least because there were undoubtedly still aspects for her to figure out, but a key component of it absolutely played on her understanding nature being used against her in ways she had never been taught how to recognize.

The way he described his approach to BDSM sounded perfect to her, honestly. And she agreed with his assessment - she'd come across photographs that looked an awful lot more scary than arousing. He was clearly far more experienced and had done more research about all this than her. Farthest she'd ever gone was some pretty light bondage while being blindfolded. This was good - she'd have to discuss specifics with him in a moment.

But while she appreciated it, as she listened she had to tamp down and hide the guilt and self-consciousness that arose in response... She liked reading some non-con. She'd never want it in real life (obviously), and frankly she doubted she could morally defend it if ever pressed. She'd feel guilty even trying. It just excited her; she wasn't completely sure why. Hell, she couldn't even explain why she liked being tied. There was a theory there or two, sure, but... explanations for enjoying weren't justifications for existing.

She... wasn't entirely certain what he'd think of her.

"Do you have any questions for me?"

She looked at their hands and considered, pushing down the worry to try and focus on the larger picture. Later. Later, Sora.

...

It felt so... good to have her hands held like this.

She knew her question.

"There's a lot that I'd want to discuss. But I think first..." She indicated with a tilt of her head to the empty space on the seat beside her, unsure whether he'd find the suggestion too much... But, if there was to be anything more, she would need time to get comfortable simply being physically beside him, and... and fuck it, she wanted it.

So she looked over and asked him with a hopeful smile. "Could we hug as we sit?"

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

While he was speaking he was taking everything in. That was the thing about his nature, unlike most people who could only talk, or listen; he could do both. He noted that demure blush and he found it oh so infinitely endearing. He did not pause in his words to express it, but he took note none-the-less.

He was also pleased with her acceptance of his terms, and the way she was able to express herself. He knew that despite the fact that this area was a difficult struggle for her, she was able to articulate her point clearly and concisely without an outburst of emotion. This boded well for future issues between them, if they ever had conflicts. He liked to resolve conflicts with respectful communication, not argument and name calling, knowing she could handle difficult emotions and keep a clear head encouraged him greatly; another check mark in her favor.

He felt her empathy for his past struggles in her touch. She had gone from being almost timid with her touch to using it to convey her sympathy for his experience. This brought a smile to his lips. As he spoke there was no pain in his features. These things were in his distant past and he had long since conquered them. They were the bones of his new world, the foundation he had built upon. A past weakness he had turned into steel. This did not mean her sympathy for past pains did not go unappreciated. He returned her warmth by squeezing her hand in return and as he returned her gaze he saw recognition. She could see some of her pain in what he endured. Inwardly he nodded; it was as he expected it would be.

Their exchange came to a close with a protracted silence as she seemed to mull over something after he talked about his proclivities with BDSM and then asked for questions. She seemed for a moment about to comment, then shifted gears. His first instinct was to probe, but he opted not to. All in good time; he had pushed things enough for one day after all.

Finally she broke her silence, if hesitantly.

"Could we hug as we sit?"

It was like she turned on a spot light. Those green eyes of his lit up. If she was looking closely enough she might have even noticed a subtle change around the iris where they shifted golden. A pure wave of pleasure washed warmly over his body, was like being dipped in a hot bath of joy. He smiled brightly and let out a warm chuckle. His voice was suffused with that liquid warmth as he spoke “Oh darlin’ I will tell you a secret right now. You will never ever have to ask permission to touch me from this point on; within our mutual comfort level of course. I may be an introvert, but few things bring me more joy than the touch of someone whom has earned a place in my heart, and simply put Sora, you’d not be here if you did not fit into that category already in some part.”

He slid slowly from the booth and scooped his glass and utensils on his way out and walked around to her side and slid in beside her. Settling in next to her he was hit by her scent, but was prepared for that, still he almost lost control again. He barely restrained another low growl from his throat. She smelled amazing, maybe he should have…taken care of himself before this date. He had not anticipated close contact and he was not certain he could keep arousal in check, wouldn’t that just be perfect?!? ‘Hey, I’m a low pressure guy, by the way, check out my rock hard wang! Wanna touch it while we cuddle?’ Fuckity fuck fuck. He already felt it twitch, that was likely because now he was thinking about it, and her, and fucking circular thinking! Okay, now he was just staring off into space looking like an idiot like he was uncomfortable.

Reaching out, he gently curled his arm around her with a smile, sliding it around her slim waist. Impulsively he leaned in and pressed his lips tenderly to her cheek with a quiet chuckle. Murmuring quietly. “Sorry if that was too invasive. Too much eye contact drives me insane. Not in a bad way that little quiver you saw in my bottom lip was me wanting to lean across the table and kiss you. Urge satisfied.”

He saw the waitress making her way in their direction and a thought suddenly struck him. He laughed, and then gave her a warm squeeze. “So, Sora? Full disclosure. The waitress totally hit on me before you got here, she might give you the death glare seeing as I told her I was waiting on a date and then you show up looking like a Greek Goddess, and now well, you are almost in my lap.”

 

[Willowrush]

His face lit up immediately, and once she saw that hers did as well, smiling so happily it was on the edge of a laugh. And then when he opened with that "Oh, darlin'," she just... something melted. By the time he finished talking, she must have been glowing.

She was finally capable of breaking her gaze away when he got up to move, at which point she smiled off down to the right and brushed a hand through her hair, pushing it behind her ear - then realized what the hell she was doing and brought her hand back down. Keep it together, Sora.

She shuffled over on the seat, and as he sat down, finally said simply, "Good to know." Then he slid his arm around her waist, and feeling the contact all along her ribs, she suddenly became very conscious of her breathing. Slow it down, Sora.

Then he kissed her cheek, and she blinked and looked over up at his face in pleased shock.

"Sorry if that was too invasive. Too much eye contact drives me insane. Not in a bad way - that little quiver you saw in my bottom lip was me wanting to lean across the table and kiss you. Urge satisfied."

She raised an amused eyebrow and speaking with mock seriousness, said "I see. Well. ..." She tried to think of something clever to follow it up, she really did. Instead, into her otherwise-stalled brain came the words "I am the physical personfication of 'can't even.'"

She cleared her throat and nodded in his direction, focusing somewhere on his shirt instead of his face. "I think I can deal with the cheek."

I'm fucking twitterpated right now, aren't I.

She tried to take a non-obvious deep breath, and settled back into his arm, her left shoulder tucked in under his right.

...Yes I am.

He squeezed her side warmly. “So, Sora? Full disclosure. The waitress totally hit on me before you got here, she might give you the death glare seeing as I told her I was waiting on a date and then you show up looking like a Greek Goddess, and now well, you are almost in my lap.”

At that, she laughed. "I - I really don't give a damn. She can do what she likes. What am I supposed to do, get jealous because of the actions of a random third party? I'd never be that petty." Her face crinkled as she smiled and shook her head in a gesture of dismissal.* "It's fine."


*OOC: There really aren't enough words in the English language to describe facial expressions and gestures.

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

Suddenly he found himself facing down the reflection of his own emotions coming back at him, to effect his emotions again. It was always a danger when dealing with other people he cared for; more with people that he was treading so carefully around as he was with Sora. This was by far a worst case scenario however as the pair of them were both so keenly aware of each other that it was like firing a beam of light back and forth back between two mirrors. Just as the wave of his emotions was beginning to subside, her reaction crashed against his shores, and he felt his emotions surge again. He felt joy spike within him so keenly it was painful, and along with it a shard of fear. He knew his control was starting to slip and he was in danger of doing something impulsive.

Subtly he slid his other hand beneath the table and drove the trimmed nails of his fingers into the meat of his palm. The sharp spike of pain was enough to slowly take the edge off the growing intoxication that was threatening to overwhelm him. He was going to have to talk with her about this, sooner rather than later. He needed to explain that if he happened to do something impulsive, that it may have roots in their unique connection to each other and in time he would learn to navigate the rapids better; once he was more sure of his own footing with her and able to have a bit more control.

She seemed a bit nervous as he settled in. He could feel tension in her body, subtle movements as if she were taking controlled breaths and he wondered if he were holding her too tightly at first, but then his minds eye flashed to that moment when she cast her gaze away and started to toss a splash of hair behind her ear. No it was just nerves, and she was trying to hide it. He did not point out he had picked up on it. There was no real point, and it would likely only make her feel more self conscious. Instead he continued to trade conversation with her, and allowed her the time to find her own footing in her own time; after all had he not promised her patience to do just that?

She appeared amused at his confession, and replied but paused seeming at a loss for a witty reply. Instead she finally came back with “ I am the physical personfication of 'can't even.'" A strong urge to correct her overcame him. The hand under the table resurfaced and started to reach toward her, but he thought better of it and it settled part way between them instead. No pushing, idiot! He didn’t bother to hide the awkwardness of his half halted gesture. He let her see his lapse; a ‘See? I’m having trouble too.’ He chuckled quietly at her words.

“Oh sweetheart, you are the physical manifestation of many a thing, but ‘I can’t even’ is not among them.” He paused to let his words sink in. His tone was deeply warm and fond, but there was a hint of something flirtatious there undoubtedly. Then he offered a mock sigh and turned to look at her with a playful pout. “Just the cheek? You are missing out. I give amazing forehead kisses.” Then he offered a wink.”

She shifted to tuck herself against him and he felt another delicious wave of warmth trickle through him. This one was softer, less like a bolt of lightning, and more like a spring breeze. Unconsciously he leaned his head toward her, pressing his cheek against the crown of her head.

Her laugh caught him slightly off guard, but it had him grinning like a fool anyway. Her words even more so brought mirth bubbling to the surface. He found himself chuckling in pure delight. He wrapped both of those tree trunk arms around her and with obviously careful, metered strength he squeezed her firmly. The slight brush of his left arm beneath her breast was entirely unintentional in the processes, and he did not react to it outwardly. Inwardly he was chastising himself fluently however. “Ya know what? Fuck this. I am keeping you. End of discussion. Better make peace with it now. That answer alone sealed the deal. I was more informing you in case she brought out bitch face, I wasn’t even thinking about the possibility of putting my foot in my mouth.” He laughed warmly. Slowly and with obviously reluctance he started to lose his hold, but didn’t immediately release her and didn’t plan to unless she showed a sign she wanted him to.

“So now that I have spontaneously bear hugged you I supposed it is as good a time as any to approach the subject. I already gave you the green light to touch me. I understand you may have completely different boundaries and I will do everything I can to respect them. I am however extremely very physical; well very sense driven in every aspect really, but physical is a big one. Hell it took all my self control not to get your phone number before the last couple of days because I knew hearing your voice would make me crazy; and it did. I didn’t even know it would be so damn sexy either; that is just a bonus. I think the need comes from my strong empathy. I need to have those points of contact for me to be able to understand the situation otherwise it is like being blind.”

He paused, drew a breath, and snapped his jaw shut in irritation and closed his eyes. “I’m trying to over justify this because I’m afraid of sounding like it is making excuses to take liberties. I’m bad about over explaining things for fear of being misunderstood because I so often am. So here is the point I am driving at. I will do my best to respect whatever physical boundaries you set, but sometimes I do before I think, sometimes my hands wander. I’m not trying to indicate anything inappropriate, but if I stray beyond what you are comfortable with simply let me know, I will back off without hesitation. It is not intentional. It is only because that is how I express myself most effectively. Words are not always how I best express myself. My emotions are often too intense for words. It is easier to show you how I feel with a touch, a look, a kiss.”

Please don’t misunderstand. Please don’t misunderstand. Please don’t misunderstand.

The pleasure on his features was gone; replaced with a look of anxious and fear. He obviously expected her not to understand. His features had grown almost ashen, green eyes a dark sea tone, complete with their own storm clouds. He was bracing for the imminent rejection already.

He had gone into this determined to be honest with her without trying to polish his words to perfection as he always did, yet he found himself starting to use those old defensive measures and managed to stop half way through; hence the stop and start. She didn’t need a political speech, she needed honesty and heart. It scared the shit out of him to rip down his walls like this, but damn it he KNEW she was worth the risk. This also flipped their dynamic upside down, but that didn’t matter to him right now, and it never would if she couldn’t trust him. After listening to what she said, she not only wanted to trust him, she needed to be able to him, or what they both wanted would never come to pass.

It had been a long time since he had been at someone else’s mercy like this. How long had it been? Years? Longer. You stopped being so vulnerable when you started learning how to use your empathy and knowledge of psychology to be in charge. You revealed only what you had to and that is why all your relationships have failed. That is why this woman is your flame, you moth. She is as close to a mirror as you have ever met, you can be who you are around her, the real you, the WHOLE you.

“I…” a sharp stab of doubt intruded. He had made an error somewhere, somehow; in what he said, or how he said it, or in his timing. Clearly he had fucked this up. He couldn’t find the words; ten different emotions hit him all in the same moment. The world swam and he slammed his eyes shut so she would not see them in his eyes, even though she could just as easily read them on his face. His nose crinkled in time with the setting of his jaw as anger mingled with disappointment. He swallowed hard to keep his throat clear as a lump rose within it. His cheeks darkened with shame and rage in equal measure.

He drew a deep breath and managed to hoarsely offer, barely above a whisper. “I’m…sorry Sora. I don’t think that went the way I meant it to. Should I go?” He started to pull back slowly.

*OOC* I know! Makes me wish I could draw.

 

[Willowrush]

"Oh sweetheart, you are the physical manifestation of many a thing, but ‘I can’t even’ is not among them.” She caught the compliment - sure did make it harder to stop blushing.

"Just the cheek? You are missing out. I give amazing forehead kisses.” For a split second she thought he was about to subtly pressure her for more - until he got to the word "forehead." Then she just burst out laughing.

He responded to her words with a firm bear hug that he didn't completely let go of, and she loved it. It'd been a long time since she gotten hugged like that. She did notice his arm just barely graze her chest, but from his gestures she automatically judged it incidental, clearly not part of any sort of plan to get away with something. It thus wasn't concerning to her.

His confession was certainly heartfelt, and she had thoughts in response to it - but before she could say anything, he began clearly taking a turn for the worse. Her concern for him rose, peaking when he apologized and suggested he leave.

It brought her to alert - she immediately turned sideways to face him, half up on her knees in the seat, and reached out with her right hand and wrapped it over his left, holding it tight and holding him there. At the same moment, she spoke with a voice that could perhaps have been mistaken for soft by someone outside of them simply because it wasn't loud, someone less observant - but which she knew was tuned to firmly calm and still, like gentling a horse.

"Hey... Hey."

She needed a few seconds. Not many, she was good at this, but four, five seconds to feel out what was going on and what she should do about it. She never let go, concentrating on his expressions and processing rapidly.

Alright. What just happened here.

He thinks he's ruined my opinion of him, despite how he said it.

He hadn't, but - alright. She didn't want to, but in the interests of responsibility it was time to consider the absolute worst case scenario: he really was saying it to excuse taking liberties later.

Now, there are a lot of people capable of that kind of manipulation. Making a small mistake, then going so far as to fake abject guilt over it in order to get away with it next time. Or, a subtler kind of manipulation... where they really did feel all the things they said they did, and then when they used those feelings against the person, it was done unconsciously.

Her husband had been the second type. It was why it took her so long to leave, and it was what made her forgive him for so many years - more than forgive, made her think that the fact she felt pressured to have sex with him whenever possible was entirely her responsibility. He explicitly told her he didn't want her doing anything she didn't want to. So after she said she wasn't up for sex, if he got upset, if he got dejected, if he lost self-esteem, if he grew frustrated, if he resented her - well, it was her own fault if she subsequently pushed herself into sex she hadn't wanted, wasn't it? She had to take responsibility for her own choices. It wasn't him who did it. Because he always had the perfect alibi - "I didn't mean for my feelings to affect you."

The problem was, he knew how sensitive she was. This was no simple, incidental misunderstanding - she'd told him, and tried to get him to understand, year after year how deeply it hurt her to feel his resentment. How she could feel the instant the air in the room shifted, and how afraid it made her to "make him" feel silently bitter he was being deprived... however much he said the right words to her.

It took her a long time, a surreptitiously taped confession (No... really), and a friend, to feel and believe that if he had been genuinely trying to improve, if he had wanted to change, he would have by now. And she had to go.

Chris could not be the first kind of manipulator. He simply didn't have that vibe. Everything that came off him felt far too genuine for that. Theoretically, perhaps, he could be an utterly schooled mastermind - but, along with that obviously being unlikely and cartoonish, if he was THAT good then the evidence wouldn't come out until later, anyways.

Now. Could this be the second kind? The kind that felt invisible to spot, because all his feelings were genuine, thus stripping her of the greatest strength she had to protect herself against a con - the capacity, even if largely subconscious, to suss out a person's character?

...It wasn't impossible. Not yet. But, only because it was far too early - the proof would be in the putting. She hadn't given him a boundary yet, and there had been no opportunity to bump up against the libido which had been too low for her husband's taste. She'd need to give him something to work with. If she did, and he crossed it repeatedly, excusing it on his impulsiveness, then... Then she'd have to think.

If this had been when she was even a little younger, she would have unequivocally trusted him and not even bothered thinking about the what-ifs. The difference was, now, after what happened, even though her genuine belief was that he was nothing like that at all, she was paradoxically floating between being unsure whether she could trust her own intuition, and feeling as if she ought to trust it more.

But that would never stop her from giving Chris a long and fair chance.

That wasn't who she was.

All this, these thoughts and concepts coalescing subconsciously and being processed​ in those few seconds - this was warning, not judgement. Sora was slow to come to negative conclusions about others. And she would never mistake the concern - hell, if her intuition happened to throw her wrong, even the feeling - that someone might in some theoretical future do something wrong with the actual observation in front of her of the thing itself.

Chris would not be judged for things he hadn't done.

Then, besides what he had said, there were the other parts of what just happened for her to consider, in regards to what to do next.

She couldn't be certain - not yet - but something about the way he phrased some things, including how ashamed and afraid he clearly felt while explaining this specific behaviour to her, made her suspect that he was trying to subtly let her know that he wasn't neurotypical; more specifically, she wondered if he may be autistic. Hence him being so strongly sense-driven, the developed habit of "overexplaining" (which to her, only felt like explaining) because he was constantly being misunderstood, possibly even part of his unusually intense empathy. She'd never bring it up, of course. For one, it could be coincidence that she was drawing those connections. For another, he might be offended she jumped there. And whether she was hitting on something or not, it'd be for him to bring up if he wanted her to know.

It was just relevant because, if that were the case, it was doubly important that she make sure he knew she would not be thrown off and was not offended by how strongly he was affected by his senses.

And finally, on top of all of it, the primary feeling that she had over any immediate worries about what he'd actually just confessed, was concern. Clearly something had hit - he was deeply distressed, and seeing and feeling his pain instantly made the protective side of her rise up.

She only seemed mild to people who didn't know her.

Seeing his distress was a call to action - one that she would have acted on more intimately, overtly and immediately had he already been a close friend, and had she not been trying to remain careful with herself in the midst of being swept away.

As it was, she did what she thought she could without stepping too close for his comfort.

Her needed five seconds were over.

Sora met his eyes, intentionally holding them so her firm words would sink in.

"I'm not upset. Okay?" Softer. "I'm not upset."

She bit her bottom lip and breathed out through her nose, then released his eyes - both to give the poor guy a break, and so she could think what to say.

"...Whether being impulsive or not is a problem... depends on the action itself. Surprise bear hugs really aren't a big deal. Everything's just... really intense right now, and it takes a bit for..." She restarted. "For me, physical touch is really intimate. To be honest... I can't even really bring myself to ask for hugs from family and close friends. I only asked if we could now, because this all feels real enough to me that I knew I'd need time to adjust to touch without being overwhelmed, let alone to be prepared for something like sex. And I think I... legitimately need a lot of platonic physical affection. So for me, this - this cuts to my core. In a good way. It..." She faltered and her eyes squeezed shut with ache for a moment. "It was welcome."

"I will say, if I name a boundary, expect the line to be hard - because it is very difficult for me to push back if someone crosses it. I had someone..." She realized she'd already mentioned him; there was no point trying to downplay it. "...In the beginning, before we were sleeping together, my husband pushed across them all the time. And he got away with it, because just socially, I found it too hard to stop him in the moment. Because I'd never been given a nuanced model of consent. Because he tried to logically argue his way past my reasons for setting the boundaries I did, and won. He had a way of making the lines I'd set seem indefensible - even building his arguments off the previous ways he'd pushed me in the past. Because it... felt good. And because when he went past, at the time I felt that it was a joint sin, equally my fault... because I should have been strong enough to hold the line."

"I am an incredibly easygoing, accommodating person. So if I name a line, especially for anything regarding sex, I really do need you to stick to it. I may very well get more comfortable and move it later. But I don't like refusing someone if it seems at all possible for me to meet their needs... and wants... and so if I have a line, it's because I truly want it there. If anything, I'm trying to get stricter, because thanks to him I have a history of pushing myself harder than I should. It's..." She was trying not to, she knew intellectually it wasn't her fault, but it was hard to keep down the twinge of shame at the feeling that she was pathetic. "...It's apparently really easy to take advantage of me."

"All that said..." She ran her thumb across his hand and softened her voice. "I believe you when you say you have no intention of disrespecting any boundaries. Your explanation about empathy needing grounding makes complete sense. And..." She let out a small laugh. "I sure as hell know feelings not translating easily into words." She gave him a wry smile. "And I'm glad you like my voice."

"So what if, in a moment, you tell me what sorts of things you might do impulsively, what... what the outer boundaries of what might happen are, and I'll tell you what would be a problem?

"And Chris... I promise you. I am understanding. I am patient. I recognize intent. And I take it very heavily into account. So just explain to me how your impulsiveness works, and we'll figure out what to do."

Now. There was way too much tension in the air. They both had to calm down, and while the physical contact they'd had to this point was nice, it wasn't really peaceful. And frankly, just sitting back away from each other didn't seem to her like it would solve this. So, Sora made an impulsive choice of her own. Gently, warmly, she smiled at him and asked, "How about a real hug?"

And she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck and shoulders, palms flat on his back, and audibly, slowly took in and released a heavy breath... as much to signal the purpose of the hug to him, as to help herself to settle down, too.

She whispered. "It's okay."

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

Her touch alone halted him. He was looking for any life line here that he hadn’t completely destroyed what they were building. Her voice only simply reinforced his choice not to remove himself. He had not been about to bolt, he was not afraid of her, but he had been about to emotionally crumble. That was the problem with their current situation. He was so far out of his comfort zone, and under an extreme amount of pressure to steer things, while keeping other parts of his nature in check he felt like he was driving with his eyes closed, while composing a symphony without hearing the notes; while standing on the back of a bull.

The effort of maintaining distance from her, while maintaining just the right amount of warmth was a huge strain on him, even if he didn’t want to admit it. Still that would get better in time as they found a better balance between one another and opened the boundaries and protections that both were holding tight to. The truth is both of them were rightly so protecting important treasures that deserved protection.

She was quiet, and he understood, she was framing her thoughts. Of all the crazy things that happened; at that very moment he actually smiled. That’s right he SMILED! She was such a kindred spirit and finding that with each passing moment soothed his pain and restored a sense of calm to the big man. He started to relax, and give her the time she needed to sort out her thoughts, his own emotions calmed notably, and he drew, and released a deep breath to regain his control of himself.

When she met his eyes he was calmer, simply waiting for her to say what she had to say, his expression was neutral now.

"I'm not upset. Okay?” "I'm not upset." He nodded in reply to her words to show he understood them. He didn’t yet speak, he felt there was more to be said. He did squeeze her hand gently, silently thanking her for her kindness.

He listened to her describe why she had asked for the hug and it all made complete sense to him. After all she had gone through no wonder she wanted to start with a simple hug. To think he was making such a big deal out of it when she was simply try for exposure therapy and a little bonding. He suddenly felt extremely foolish! Then he realized that was not fair to either of them, both parties were coming into this relationship with their own burdens to carry, and if it is to go forward, both of them will have to find a way to navigate those burdens together. He watched her squeeze her eyes shut and his heart ached for her. He could see her pain, he could feel it in his own chest and he wanted nothing more in that moment than to soothe it. He pulled his hand from hers and started to reach out to touch her cheek, then halted mid gesture, realizing he didn’t have permission yet; they had best finish this conversation and iron out details before he took a single step further. He placed his hand back over hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze and let her continue speaking instead.

As she started to talk about her husband and she defined in start terms the sort of treatment he subjected her to she found out just how truthful he was when he had spoken about his anger when it comes to any sort of degradation of women. His mode spiked sharply. Those broad shoulders of his tensed hard, to the point she could see the definition of the thick muscles beneath the thin fabric of his shirt. His jaw clenched hard and he turned his eyes away from her so she did not see the look in his eyes, because he knew he would not be able to hide his rage, but it was not directed at her. His response was even worse because not only was this done, but it was done to someone he cared for. The hand that was not in contact with hers was balled hard into a fist, and he hand to make a concentrated effort to relax it. This was the first time he ever broke her speech pattern. His voice was almost not his, it was trembling with intensity, it was soft, but it was also somewhat hard. “From the bottom of my heart Sora, I am truly sorry you lived that.”

When she continued, he listened, but he also focused on mastering his rage and finding neutral ground again. He found it grudgingly, still taking in every word, and as he found it, he found her again too. Man was there really that much tension in the air? As she ran her thumb along the back of his hand he let out a quiet sigh of pleasure. It was helping to relax him. She could visibly see the tension melting from his body. She could not see the trail of goose bumps that disappeared up the length of his dress shirt, but they were there.

She paused, he wasn’t sure if she was done, he was floating on the euphoric feeling of her fingertips on his skin, and then she mentioned a real hug. “Absolutely” The warmth had finally returned, perhaps not the lighthearted tone quite yet, but it would very quickly in her presence. She had that effect on him, even if she did not know it yet. He pressed close to her and gently pressed his hands flat against her back. He easily circled her with his large arms and likely made her feel quite small against him. Like her, he drew in and let out a deep breath.

“Thank you for understanding. I owe you an explanation for all of that insanity and you will get it.

He gave a delicate squeeze and chuckled warmly. “As far as platonic touching? That is absolutely fine with me. I don’t think I am ready for more either. Different reasons I think, or maybe not at their core. Either way, sexual activities are too intimate and emotional for me. Once we open that door I want to be sure there is something here. That we are going to make a serious go of things. As satisfying as making love to you would be I’m certain, it isn’t worth it if it shatters our relationship, or if we don’t plan to see each other again. It would leave me a total wreck afterward. In short, before I’m ready to go down that road, I need to know you want my heart too, because they are a packaged deal Most guys are not wired that way, but I am, always have been.”

He drew back just enough so that he could look into her eyes, he wanted to be able to read them when he had this conversation. He broke eye contact frequently enough as to say ‘I want to see you, but I don’t want to keep you’ at this proximity prolonged eye contact was not a good idea for either one of them. “My impulses really are not that intimate in my view, but as you just told me physical touch is a raw nerve for you, a positive one, but something that needs to be approached with a defter touch so I’ll try to paint with broad strokes here.” He smiled at her to show her there was no barb in his words, he was not trying to use her words as a weapon, just showing her that he was listening

“A moment ago when you were talking I could tell the subject was difficult, painful. I pulled my hand away from yours because I wanted nothing more than to give you comfort. I wanted to stroke your cheek and tell you everything was going to be okay, then I stopped because I had no idea if that was going to be welcomed or not. Things I am prone to do on impulse include. Playing with your hair, touching your face, kissing your face, rubbing your back, tracing your spine with a fingertip not touching any intimate areas, unless the small of the back is too intimate.”

He paused in thought, tilting his head, looking inward, then he wrinkled his nose with a laugh. “I am starting to feel like a text book! Tracing limbs with my fingers usually the arms. Only thing that stands out to me that I would actively avoid would be hugging you from behind, unless you don’t want me to avoid that. That is all I can think of off the top of my head. Oh! I do this one thing with my tongue, a plunger and a gerbil. You might like it.” He flashed her a big, playful grin.

 

[Willowrush]

"From the bottom of my heart Sora, I am truly sorry you lived that.”

Just that bit of reciprocation was threatening to break her walls. Her chest shrunk in and tightened at the sound of his voice as he said them, but she managed to hold it in, and replied with a simple "Thank you."

"I need to know you want my heart, too."

Of course she did - it was why she'd been so surprised and touched when he had taken her hands and said he wanted to let her in.

Coming into this she'd expected him to be a good person, but she would never have expected him to be so... embracing. The best she'd hoped for was casual friendship, someone she'd be comfortable enough with. To sit down and find out that he wanted more than that, that... he seemed... He had been implying strongly that he was ultimately after a real, lasting, committed relationship.

That would always be the kind of relationship Sora wanted. She didn't like going halfway, not even with friendships. The only question was whether she wasn't reading too much into his words, and that was actually what he wanted to pursue... and whether she felt she was allowed to want it, too.

Then, he got to the part she was anticipating to be difficult - this great thing he had warned her about. So she listened to him describe in explicit terms what it was that he might actually do on impulse.

Sora looked happy, if confused, as he went on. When he finished speaking, she thudded her forehead heavily down onto one of his shoulders, her own shaking hard. When she came back up, it was obvious she was laughing uncontrollably. After a moment to gather her breath, she managed to speak.

"That's it?!"

"You were so worried, I thought - I don't know what I thought. Something more sexual, I guess? The only problem with any of that is I'd be so touched, I might cry. Which - " She put a hand loosely over her eyes. "One is generally not supposed to do on the first date."

She'd figured she needed to get physically closer, but that at the same time she should stand back far enough to prevent acting weird in front of him. It was a balancing act, one that apparently neither of them could maintain.

Telling him her personal details, even the really serious ones, wasn't necessarily the same thing as being vulnerable. Well... it was partially, in this case. But it felt like more of a... a hard, but very matter-of-fact task that had to be done to lay a foundation of common understanding, if this was going to be anything more than casual. But accepting the touch, letting it sink inside without agonizing over whether it was wise for her to get attached, rather than trying to keep it to a controlled dose? Even if it meant she risked crying in front of him? That was where her walls were.

Well. He'd shown himself trustworthy enough. (Hah - "Be warned, I might be really loving.") Should she let herself get swept away? Eh, probably not? But... fuck it. Fuck it. Stop being paranoid, and look at the reality of what's going on. He himself seemed fantastic, had been fantastic to this point, being around him felt good, nothing bad was actually happening, everything was fine, and she always had the option of backing out later if she had to.

She'd trust herself.

She calmed her laughing enough to raise her head back up and tilted it to the side, giving him an earnest, wry smile. "Look. Dude. If you can deal with me getting emotional, possibly very emotional," She made a sweeping motion with one hand. "You can do all that shit. Small of the back and hugs from behind included. I was - " Sora had to pause to again, then leaned back shaking her head, one eyebrow raised as she laughed helplessly. "I've just been trynna keep myself together."

And with that feeling expressed, the ache began to rise back up and show in her expression, mingling with the happiness.

Down with the walls.

With a helpless shrug of her shoulders, she smiled and laughed on the verge of tears, vulnerably giving him an offer which she made no attempt to hide was also a request.

"I'll take that hand on my cheek again, if you want."

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

"That's it?!"

She seemed shocked, and he realized his mistake then. He felt the bitter spike of shame rush through his body. He had been so afraid. He was still terrified of making a single step in the wrong direction that he would shatter all they had built together. He cast his eyes to the table for a moment as she continued to speak and let out a self-conscious chuckle.

"You were so worried, I thought - I don't know what I thought. Something more sexual, I guess? The only problem with any of that is I'd be so touched, I might cry. Which - " She paused and then continued with more emotion. "One is generally not supposed to do on the first date."

He listened to her confession, his eyes raising to meet hers as she gave her assent, and welcomed his compulsive needs with seeming open arms, almost eagerly. It was a victory for both of them, he realized and he felt too many emotions all at once to even sort them out; they were a tangled mass that all crashed together at the center of his being. This was why the impulses were so important, they were sometimes the only way he could express himself in a timely and meaningful fashion.

He did more than touch her cheek. One hand circled around her in a comforting embrace, while the other tenderly stroked her cheek. His hand could have dwarfed most of her jaw, and so he tucked his fingertips behind the base of her skull; his thumb lovingly stroking along her cheek and jaw line. He took it a step further and pressed his forehead against hers, gazing into her eyes intently. His eyes were soft, open, and the walls no longer even existed. She could see all the earnest affection, all the fear, the desire for connection, the trepidation. He spoke his voice spoken with such tenderness, yet somehow with a core of iron; like a vow.

“Sora… Feel what you need to feel. Both of us are coming into this with our own individual baggage and scars. The only way this moves forward beyond an internet friendship is we show those scars to each other and trust the other one can handle it. As long as our interactions are respectful, whatever your emotions are, I will be by your side whenever you need me. That offer extends no matter what, even if we decide to keep this where it is now. Once you are in, you are in. I will move heaven and earth for you.”

He fell silent, he broke eye contact sharply. Right before he did she may have noticed the green in his eyes changing color toward blue of all things, and along with it, he snared his bottom lip. He drew a deep breath to clear his thoughts and then met her eyes again. The green was back and his voice was stronger, more matter of fact. He was no longer trying to comfort, but stating a truth.

“As for me? I am terrified. I have known I wanted more than friendship with you since I don’t know… email three? Meeting you has been one of the most amazing things ever to happen to me. I’m not saying that to pressure you, just being honest. You are the first person I have ever met who I can communicate with without an exhausting amount of filtering or polish. Most people are afraid of my empathy, or don’t comprehend how I can cut right through all their bull shit. So I have learned how to talk like a god damned politician, and then that also backfires because they think I’m lying. So I have been at def con 1 this whole date trying not to put my foot on a land mine. So when you explained your situation I went on even more of high alert, then I bungled the explanation half way through, then panicked.”

He gave a wry chuckle.

“In short, we are a mess. The world is not kind to introverts. Being with you though, is the first time I have felt a true and honest sense of companionship in a long time. Like… almost twenty years. My best friend growing up was a strong introvert, but we eventually drifted apart.”

He paused again, and pressed a loving kiss against her forehead and sat back a little, loosened the hug, in case she needed space to think, but also didn’t release it in case she wanted to nestle back into him.

“So the long and the sort of it is this; I am here for you in whatever capacity you decide you want me. If you want to explore further I am so on board. If you want to be friends, I’m good with that and will be your friend, if you leave here and decide you want to terminate contact, I will respect your decision. It will hurt like hell, but I will respect it.”

He let out a slow, measured breath. He finally felt relaxation settle over him again

“I think all my cards are on the table now. If I missed any well I’ll let you know.”