Sean and Kristen Ch 1

[biggsmall0669]

I'm looking for constructive feedback, any and all will be accepted though.
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He first noticed her standing at the health bar in the gym, her curves outlined in the black spandex workout suit she always wore. Her name was Kristen, and her dirty blonde hair was sweaty and clinging to her glistening forehead. She was a few pounds above average, but carried herself very well. At maybe 5’ 9” with wide hips and a possible 36 c chest, she was stunningly beautiful, the spandex wrapped around her thick toned thighs and framing her shapely ass.

Sean had shown up tonight to workout as usual, trying to maintain his muscular physique. Standing at 6’ 1” and weighing in at just over 190, with his bronze skin, hazel eyes and chiseled chin, with his light brown hair in a well kept fade, Sean was no doubt a handsome man.

After several evenings watching Kristen meticulously complete her routine of 30 minutes on the treadmill and a few sets of sit ups and various leg workouts, Sean began to work toward her. Standing at the health bar again, Kristen noticed him walking towards her from across the crowded gym. Having been several weeks since any man had shown interest, she was pleasantly surprised by this man coming her direction. Wiping the sweat from his forehead with his shirt as he got to the bar, she caught a glimpse of his ripped abs.


Sean introduced himself, and explained that he had been watching her for several nights, and offered to by her a bottle of water or a smoothie and complimented her on her piercing baby blue eyes. Sean offered her dinner the following night and Kristen obligingly agreed, both leaving for their apartments after the conversation.

The next night, Kristen spent several hours straightening her hair and carefully applying her makeup. At exactly 7:30, a knock at the door let her know he was there. She glanced at herself in the mirror and couldn’t help but smile, her strapless black dress and stilettos a perfect complement to her already amazing body.

Sean stood waiting, his hair spiked up cleanly, in a black polo and dark khaki pants. His cologne was a outdoorsy mix of citrus, wood, and a hint of sweet vanilla. The door opened and his jaw dropped, her body silhouetted by the light emanating from the chandelier in the hall. Her scent was absolutely intoxicating, a very feminine blend of jasmine and lavender. Her eyes sparkled from the moonlight, and her face lit up with a perfect smile when Sean handed her a single red rose. The stark contrast between her glossy crimson lips and her white teeth was amazing.

On the way to dinner, idle chit chat floated through the air, mixing with notes of a familiar rock tune. Upon arrival at the Italian bistro, Sean immediately helped her out of the car, taking in the sight of her stepping out with such finesse. Once inside, they were seated on the balcony with a very pleasant view of the bay, a cool November breeze blowing through her hair, the moon lighting both their eyes. Ordering a few glasses of wine, both began to loosen up. Harmless banter was exchanged and as the evening progressed the two started revealing more and more about their lives. As dinner wound down, Kristen and Sean decided against going to the club, and opted instead to sit on the beach and chat some more.

Sitting in the sand, the salty cool breeze blowing off of the water chilled Kristen and she scooted close to Sean, who held her close as they continued discussing their lives. After a while, Sean could no longer resist the overpowering urge to kiss her… Leaning in, he could smell her sweet perfume again and as their lips met, both people realized what would occur that evening. After a while on the beach, the two made their way slowly back to the car, stopping several times in the moonlight to continue what had started in the sand.

Finally back in the car, they decided to go back to Sean’s place, and took off. The ride felt like an eternity, the desire within both so powerful, the air wrought with sexual tension. Upon arriving at the apartment, Sean walked her to his door and let her step inside out of the chilly air.

Immediately she felt his hands on her hips, and his warm breath on her neck as he whispered into her ear and kissed the nape of her neck. Leading her to the bedroom, he walked her towards the bed and kissed her collar bone working his way up her neck and gently biting her ear. He sat her on the bed and laid her back, nibbling her shoulders and running his hands over her curves. Working down her body, he arrived at her beautifully pedicured feet and removed her stilettos and began biting his way softly up her taut calves, stopping at the delicate flesh on the back of her knees.

Kristen was blown away when he started gently sucking on the skin there, her mind lost in a thousand desires. Sean grabbed the lower hem of her dress and slowly pulled the silky cool fabric up her body, the feeling sending millions of small chills through her body. For the first time, he could see her nude breasts with nipples slightly darker than the rest of her skin and nipples sticking out just so, for only him to see. He kissed up her legs again and all over her tight abdomen and planted a tender kiss between the globes, continuing on to gently kiss around her nipples. Eventually, he opened his mouth and bit softly on one nipple while twisting the other and began to suck on her.

Writhing in a pleasure so close to agony it was almost unreal, Kristen pulled his head into her breast and just held him. His other hand roaming, and exploring her smooth skin, he worked his way to her thigh, and begin gently rubbing his hand towards her now dripping pussy. Unable to stand it anymore, she pulled his hand to her cotton panties and he removed them slowly, noticing the damp spot on them and the juices flowing from her now still body. She whispered to him, and he listened , slowly moving his head towards her crotch.

Tracing her lips with his finger he slowly pushed a finger into her and began working it in and out. Slowly adding a second finger and a third, her hips matching the rhythm of his hand, Sean started lapping at her clit. His hot coarse tongue, relentlessly assaulting her button, she threw her head back in bliss, the feeling almost overwhelming. Continuing for what seemed like forever Sean brought her to the edge and slowed down repeatedly, drawing out the pleasure and enjoying her body. Gently sucking on her clit and picking up speed with his hand, Kristen could no longer stand it. Her head thrown back yet again, her body squirming from the pleasure. Gripping his fingers with her dripping canal her whole body began to quake. She grabbed his head and pulled it in as wave after unrelenting wave of out of this world pleasure washed over her. Her legs tingling and her mind no longer in her body, she went limp.

Sean continued pleasuring her until he could no longer stand his own desire, he slowly pulled away from her and moved slowly up to look longingly into her eyes.

 

[CWatson]

Well, first off, you know that Literotica won't accept stories shorter than 750 words, right?

Now. Have you ever heard of the "Show, Don't Tell" rule? (God, I should have a stock example I use for this.) Telling is like reporting in a newspaper: it gets the facts across, but without much detail because of the immense distance between The Reader and the action. And, honestly, without must interest from The Reader either--I mean, if we want to read a newspaper, we would read a newspaper. Showing, on the other hand, involves getting into the details, describing events, dialogue, sensations and other imagery.

She sucked him off until he came, and then he ate her out and then penetrated her in missionary position until they were both satisfied.

(Okay, so that's excessively dry, but srsly.)

She knew he would expect her to lean up and kiss him, so instead she went down his body, sliding her hands and her breasts down across his body until she knelt before him, his manhood level with her mouth, the carpet itching under her calves. He gave an incoherent noise as she sucked him into her mouth--somewhere between an exclamation and an exhalation--and brought his hands up to rest on her head. His cock was still somewhat flaccid: warm, but soft, the head still spongy. It was a different texture than she was used to, and she decided to enjoy it while it lasted. It wouldn't last long...

See the difference? One has a lot of detail and the other does not. One lists events, the other describes them. And--if I do say so myself--the one with the descriptions is hotter and more arousing. And isn't that the point?

The whole story right now is in Telling, at least until the sex starts. I would suggest zooming in some more and doing some more showing, especially once they kiss. I find it telling (pardon the pun) that there is no dialogue in this story. Why? Because you're zoomed out so far from the action that dialogue would be inappropriate. So, kudos there, you made the right choice in not including dialogue. It's just that being this far away in the first place isn't a great idea. Zoom in until dialogue is natural.

Also, don't give stats and measurements. I will tell you a truth: I don't find C cups attractive. I'm a B-cup-and-lower kind of guy. (Of course, 26 and still a virgin, I'm not gonna turn any girl that's interested. But if the world were perfect.) So if you go in and shove Kristen's appearance down my throat and say, THIS IS WHAT YOU LIIIIIIIIKE all fire-breathing and demon roars, I'mma hit my Back button real fast. So don't do the stats. Give just an overall idea of her appearance, still with room to let The Reader fill in their own details. I mean, seriously: if your job is to conjure up a woman that The Reader finds attractive, do you think it'll be easier for you to let The Reader's imagination do it for you?

That's all I got. Hope it helps some.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Example of a kiss. SOPHIE'S CHOICE by William Styron.

'Side by side we gazed at the landscape. In the shadow her face was so close to mine that I could smell the sweet ropy fragrance of the sherry she had been drinking, and then her tongue was in my mouth. In all truth I had not invited this prodigy of a tongue; turning I had merely wished to look at her face, expecting only that the expression of aesthetic delight I might find there would correspond to what I knew was my own. But I did not even catch a glimpse of her face, so instantaneous and urgent was that tongue. Plunged like some writhing sea-shape into my gaping maw, it all but over-powered my senses as it sought some unreachable terminus near my uvula; it wiggled, it pulsated, and made contortive sweeps of my mouth’s vault; I’m certain that at least once it turned upside down. Dolphin slippery, less wet than rather deliciously mucilaginous and tasting of Amontillado, it had the power in itself to force me, or somehow get me back, against a doorjamb, where I lolled helpless with my eyes clenched shut in a trance of tongue.'

I suggest you read, read, read plenty of good erotica.

Its almost never mentioned in how-to-write manuals, but leave holes in the description for readers to connect their experiences to. Styron doesnt say much about the woman above, not even a general description. We get her name, her hair color, her education, and her socio-economic class.

 

[Liar]

I dunno, it all seems a bit... mechanic to me. Two attractive people spot each other, flirt, go on a date, fuck. End of story. And then there are details on how they look, where they flirt, where and when they date and how they fuck.

So you have the who, the what, the where and the when. Since you said the ithe other thread that you wanted to make it more erotic and romantic than pure porn, I want more of the why. Who are those people? What are their hopes and dreams? Conflicts? Insecurities? Hangups? And how does those come into play when they meet someone thay feel an instinctual desire to rut like bunnies with? And what happens to them and their conflicts and hangups when they eventually do?

 

[penandpaper]

A noble first effort, and since it was for someone, I'm sure they enjoyed it. On the other hand, if you want to continue to write stories for her, I suggest you take the above feedback and put it into practice. As a reader, I can tell you the "show don't tell" rule is a very good one to follow, as well as read, read, read. Keep it up, and again, good first attempt.

 

[ericahope]

I'd agree with CWatson about the "show and tell". It's not easy, but try to work on it.

For me to enjoy a story I need to feel connected to at least one, if not more, of the characters. I don't feel any connection to these two because I don't know anything about them other than they work out and a smell nice when they want to. (I like the description of their cologne and perfume, but the way.) But I need a few questions answered here. What do they find attractive about each other? Why would they sleep together after the first date? Are they desperate? Are they both just so overwhelmingly attractive that they couldn't resist each other? We all meet lots of attractive people on a daily basis but we don't go home with them, why was this situation different?

For me, dialogue is key here. Dialogue allows the reader to get a glimpse of the character's personality without the writer telling me "she was friendly" or "sexual tension was in the air". Show me sexual tension was in the air by their words and actions.

In the end, the sex wasn't arousing because I couldn't have cared less about either of these people and there was little to no build up.

Also, skip the measurements. Unless your characters break out a tape measure or something don't use numbers to describe height, breast size, etc. Use words. Unlike CWatson, I don't mind you telling me her breasts were small or large or sagging or he was tall, short or stocky, but don't use numbers.

But don't get discouraged! Keep at it.

Erica

 

[biggsmall0669]

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But don't get discouraged! Keep at it.

Erica

I appreciate it. I knew it would get picked apart here, which is why I posted here. I'm not very good with dialogue in stories, but I'm working on it. I was in a hurry trying to get it online, so I could get basic feedback. I really appreciate all that has been said (even the shots being taken in signatures). Live and learn, or die trying. I shall return at some point with either a revised version of this, or an entirely new story. Thanks All.