Scumb Bag Lawyer Jokes Thread

[dirtycarol]

Post Them Here;


Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."


Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.


Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.


Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
A: Senator.


Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.



A fox may steal your hens, Sir,
A whore your health and pence, Sir,
Your daughter rob your chest, Sir,
Your wife may steal your rest, Sir,
A thief your goods and plate.
But this is all but picking,
With rest, pence, chest and chicken;
It ever was decreed, Sir,
If lawyer's hand is fee'd, Sir,
He steals your whole estate.

- John Gay (1685-1732), English dramatist. Peachum, in The Beggar's Opera, act 1, sc. 9, Air 11.

 

[Balladeer08]

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?


There might be skid marks in front of the snake.

 

[coachdb18]

What's the difference between an accident and a fucking shame?

A busload of lawyers goes off a cliff, and that's an accident.

A busload of lawyers goes off a cliff, and there's an empty seat, that's a fucking shame!

 

[koalabear]

Just read cjh's posts.

 

[LongDrySpell]

Q: What do you call a bus full of dead lawyers at the bottom of a cliff?

A: A good start.

 

[loquere]

What do you call 5000 dead criminal defense lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

 

[oggbashan]

In heaven, a man and wife decide that they don't want to spend eternity together and ask St Michael if it is possible to get a divorce.

St Michael sighs.

"I'm sorry. That's impossible. All the lawyers are in the other place."

 

[loquere]

How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say "Fees!"

 

[Wat_Tyler]

Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

Variation:


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum sucking low-lifed stinky bottom feeder, and the other is just a fish.

 

[Wat_Tyler]

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?


There might be skid marks in front of the snake.

And there is only one set of tire tracks over the snake.

 

[blobfish]

What's the difference between blobfish and a lawyer?





The lawyer has friends.

 

[koalabear]

Q. Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A. Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Tell-A-Friend

 

[koalabear]

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "All lawyers are assholes."
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "No, I'm an asshole.

 

[koalabear]

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?"
"It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business. Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."

 

[koalabear]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.

 

[loquere]

A lawyer, who was defending a man accused of burglary, tried this creative defense:

"Your Honor, my client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few insignificant items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not. The choice is his."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

 

[loquere]

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?''

"Well, your Honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

 

[Leslie22]

Boring

 

[blobfish]

Boring

Not as boring as The Beatles.

 

[Leslie22]

Not as boring as The Beatles.

That's true.

 

[loquere]

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

 

[OzoneRed]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three of them; one to change the light bulb, and one to confuse the issue.

 

[KingOrfeo]

What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rooster?

A rooster clucks defiance!

 

[Comshaw]

What do you have when you have 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

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What do you call a basement full of lawyers?

A whine cellar.

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The pope died and Saint Peter met him at the gates.

"Come on in your eminence." Saint Peter greeted him, "Let's see if we can find you a nice comfortable place to stay."

They walked around and Saint Peter pointed out a few really nice little bungalows the pope could use.

The pope noticed a huge mansion on a hill and asked who it belonged to.

"That's the lawyers place." Saint Pete replied.

The pope was beside himself with anger.

"I'm a pope and I get one of these small cottages while a lawyer gets to live in that huge mansion?" He yelled.

Saint Pete smiled and replied, "Yea well there's a lot of you guys up here, but only one of him."


Comshaw