I want to get this off my chest. I am posting this more so that I can reflect, and just to get it out - it makes more sense to me this way.
When I read what bs had to say about me on Growler's earlier thread - well, its difficult to tell how I really felt. Perhaps it was something that needed to be said. I am not talking about everything which which he said, most of it seemed fair. I, in fact, agreed with most of what he said. The part that I am talking about is the personal attack which he directed at me. You have probably read it yourself - its horrible to read something like that being posted about yourself. But, perhaps its true.
And so it is that I take a look at myself in the mirror, and I see the person looking back at me. Yes, I am a pretty sensitive guy. I am not the type who can brush off what bs said easily.The things he said hurt me. Maybe because they are all true. Well, except the part about me being a kid *laughs* cause I am 30 years old. But yeah, perhaps I am a stupid little nerd. After all, I am an academic. God, how much worse can you get - I am a lecturer (in philosophy and law). What have I done with my life. My greatest achievement is probably getting a PhD, which proves your point. Only nerdy things. I am probably what people would call a 'thinker' as opposed to a 'doer'. That makes me a pretty worthless individual to society, right bs?
The person in the mirror didn't look back at me - he fucking screamed back at me. And you know what bs, my whole life has been a struggle of being understood. A life of screaming going on inside myself. Most of the time I get misunderstood. Made to feel like a misfit, misplaced. Sometimes I feel like someone just kinda hurled me into this world.
So you are probably right bs - I am a loser.
As for my posts being meaningless, well I am sure you are right about that too. I am sure that you are right about practically everything that you say. The world is full of people like you. Judgemental, self-righteous people who will say what they like to others. Insensitive and cruel - its that type of person who causes hate, and sometimes even war. I have no quarrel with you at all. I don't even know you. until I read about your personal attack on me, I hadn't even really thought much about you (probably just considered you a friend). So it was strange then to learn how much you despised me.
But that is me. And that is why the guy in the mirror screams at me. I have given up trying to be understood, the next step would have been just to be accepted, or next best just to be tolerated. You don't even know me yet you seem convinced that I am not worthy of any of these things. But, as I have said, you are probably right and I just like to hear my own head rattle.
Thanks for your wisdom, and thanks for your insights. Like I really needed someone to tell me what a fuck up I am.
When I read what bs had to say about me on Growler's earlier thread - well, its difficult to tell how I really felt. Perhaps it was something that needed to be said. I am not talking about everything which which he said, most of it seemed fair. I, in fact, agreed with most of what he said. The part that I am talking about is the personal attack which he directed at me. You have probably read it yourself - its horrible to read something like that being posted about yourself. But, perhaps its true.
And so it is that I take a look at myself in the mirror, and I see the person looking back at me. Yes, I am a pretty sensitive guy. I am not the type who can brush off what bs said easily.The things he said hurt me. Maybe because they are all true. Well, except the part about me being a kid *laughs* cause I am 30 years old. But yeah, perhaps I am a stupid little nerd. After all, I am an academic. God, how much worse can you get - I am a lecturer (in philosophy and law). What have I done with my life. My greatest achievement is probably getting a PhD, which proves your point. Only nerdy things. I am probably what people would call a 'thinker' as opposed to a 'doer'. That makes me a pretty worthless individual to society, right bs?
The person in the mirror didn't look back at me - he fucking screamed back at me. And you know what bs, my whole life has been a struggle of being understood. A life of screaming going on inside myself. Most of the time I get misunderstood. Made to feel like a misfit, misplaced. Sometimes I feel like someone just kinda hurled me into this world.
So you are probably right bs - I am a loser.
As for my posts being meaningless, well I am sure you are right about that too. I am sure that you are right about practically everything that you say. The world is full of people like you. Judgemental, self-righteous people who will say what they like to others. Insensitive and cruel - its that type of person who causes hate, and sometimes even war. I have no quarrel with you at all. I don't even know you. until I read about your personal attack on me, I hadn't even really thought much about you (probably just considered you a friend). So it was strange then to learn how much you despised me.
But that is me. And that is why the guy in the mirror screams at me. I have given up trying to be understood, the next step would have been just to be accepted, or next best just to be tolerated. You don't even know me yet you seem convinced that I am not worthy of any of these things. But, as I have said, you are probably right and I just like to hear my own head rattle.
Thanks for your wisdom, and thanks for your insights. Like I really needed someone to tell me what a fuck up I am.
