Science Fiction Story I Am Working On.

[RicoLouis]

Okay here is a draft of the first act in a story I am writing. Please fill free to tell me what you think. Nothing else it will give someone a chance to bash my grammar. The concept is a little out there so I am basically just looking for some feedback.

“Alexis.” Alexis heard as she drifted somewhere between sleep and the real world. She could make out soft music in the air. The soft fill of sunlight on her eye lids. Gwen had no doubt reduced the window tinting slightly and turned on the music to wake her.

“Wake up Alexis.” She heard Gwen say. She was a little more awake now as she reached over and grabbed the pillow pulling it over her face. Damn she hated Monday mornings. Well actually all mornings but Mondays where the worst.

“Five more minutes mommy.” She said pulling the pillow tightly over her face as she pulled her knees up into her breast.

“Alexis, Chloe is on the Vid.” The soft female voice said. A smile crossed her face as she tossed the pillow aside and sat up looking at the brunette virtual assistant Gwen on the video screen across from the bed.

“Thanks. Put her own.” Alexis said with a grin. The screen went to a ten second commercial for cyber eyes. The price one paid for free phone service she thought. She wondered how many commercials Chloe had to watch waiting for Gwen to wake her up. She took the opportunity to fix her slip strap and run her fingers through her hair trying to make it look somewhat presentable. A few seconds later Chloe’s lovely image appeared on the screen.

“Hey there lover.” Chloe said as she looked up at the screen. Chloe was in the process of unbuttoning a white blouse which was all that seemed to hide her body except for the bra and panties that lied beneath. Chloe was slowly exposes her ample cleavage to Alexis. It was funny how much she still enjoyed seeing Chloe naked even after all this time they had been together.

“Good morning.” Alexis said with a smile as she watched Chloe’s blouse fall onto the bed. The beautiful red head plopping down on the bed as well grinning at Alexis as she reached up and pulled the clamp from her hair shaking it out letting her red locks fall upon her ivory skin.

“How was your day?” Alexis added stretching out still feeling a little stiff. She hadn’t slept to well since Chloe had been gone on her business trip.

“Good, I think the merger will go through soon and I can come home soon.” Chloe said while in the processes of taking off her knee high stockings.

“Good I can’t wait to have you home again.” Alexis said with a smile as she patted the empty spot on the bed.

“I bet.” Chloe said as she grinned back at her throwing a stocking at screen.

“Care for a little fun time before bed?” Alexis said as she reached over to the side of the bed and grabbed her sync.

“You read my mine.” Chloe said with a grin licking her lips. Alexis quickly slid it onto her neck sliding the two small prongs into the neural ports on either side of her neck. The words “ONLINE” appeared before her eyes and then faded.

“Gwen synchronize neural sensory input with Alexis.” The lovely red head said.

“Confirmed, Alexis do you wish to…” Gwen began to say before Alexis cut her off.

“Hells Yea.” Alexis said with a grin.

“Confirmed.” It took only a second before Alexis could fill a rush of warm air hit her body. She could suddenly smell the sweet scent of Chloe’s strawberry perfume.

“Damn you got it cold enough there?” Chloe said as she raised her hands and crossed them and began to rub her arms. Alexis could fill Chloe’s touch as her hands touched Alexis arms.

“Sorry. You know I sleep better in the cold.” Alexis said as she shrugged her shoulders. “But I am sure I can think of a way to warm you up.” She added as she reached down and playfully ran her finger up her thigh slowly. Chloe licked her lips, Alexis enjoying the feel of Chloe’s tongue on her own lips.

 

[past_perfect]

The bit in itself is certainly interesting. However, if there is no real story developing thereafter, it might not be that well received by the SF crowd - it's a category a bit like romance where sex is or can be part of the story, but isn't necessarily what the readers are going for - in other words - most readers there don't go for stroke, more for erotic (science) fiction. In any case, I am sure you could make a good story out of this. Good luck.

 

[RicoLouis]

That's part of what I was worried about, Its not really hard scifi. No ones trying to save the world, survive a sex crazed alien, or stop a plot to create genetically engineried sex slaves. Its just to girls having cyber/phone sex. Though with far better phones then we have.

 

[past_perfect]

Well, build in a cyborg revolt against the phone company and you are golden...

Anyway, that should not discourage you - a good description line would probably go a long way to filter out people who would be disappointed beforehand... something along the lines of "phone sex of the future" or suchlike might do the trick.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Guess who's one of the bad writers on this site?

You have to lose all those attributives, the "Gwen said," "Chloe said" after every statement. Real stories don't do that. Take a look at some good stories.

And between a quote and an attributive there's a comma, not a period.

"Thanks. Put her on," ALexis said.

Not

"Thanks. Put her on." Alexis said.

You've got balls though.

 

[Guest]

Enhanced phone sex does not, by itself, a story make.

Something going wrong with enhanced phone sex, though, opens up a world of possibilities.

Just a thought.

 

[RicoLouis]

Guess who's one of the bad writers on this site?

You have to lose all those attributives, the "Gwen said," "Chloe said" after every statement. Real stories don't do that. Take a look at some good stories.

And between a quote and an attributive there's a comma, not a period.

"Thanks. Put her on," ALexis said.

Not

"Thanks. Put her on." Alexis said.

You've got balls though.

No bad grammer dosen't make me a bad writer. Just a bad editor.
Notes taken on the attributives though and the comma's, which I find is a really silly writing rule. Especially since its okay to use a ? but not a .

 

[dr_mabeuse]

No bad grammer dosen't make me a bad writer. Just a bad editor.
Notes taken on the attributives though and the comma's, which I find is a really silly writing rule. Especially since its okay to use a ? but not a .

Yeah, I know, and I agree about the commas. It's a stupid rule. I once staged a one-man revolt against it and started using periods in all my quotes the way you do, and for like 4-5 months wrote stories with

"See you later." he said.

and things like that. Then I started submitting stories for publication and had to go back through them all and change every one of my rebellious acts, and suddenly didn't feel so rebellious anymore.

 

[Corylea]

Volunteer editors

There's a volunteer editor program here at Literotica, and I think you could benefit from that service. You have several words that are misused or misspelled (e.g. "Put her own," instead of "Put her on" and "except for the bra and panties that lied beneath" instead of "except for the bra and panties that lay beneath"), and those things distract the reader from what you're trying to say.

But not to worry -- if grammar and spelling aren't your long suit, there are people here who will fix that stuff for you.

 

[RicoLouis]

Belive me I plan on finding an editor if i finish the story. Though it could be awhile, found out I had a kidney stone last night. Fill fine right now but yesterday was hell.

I have a bad habit with words like on and own, feel and fill.

 

[Corylea]

How awful! I've heard that kidney stones are incredibly painful; I hope you'll be better soon.