Sci fi
- Thread starter rxm76
- Start date
soupwarsproject
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Sep 9, 2003
- Posts
- 490
Where's the link?
What's the link to your story?
Vas of SWP
What's the link to your story?
Vas of SWP
Last edited:
Sci Fi stories
Hi Soupwars Project:
My page is appended
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=60426
I hope to hear from you!
rxm76
Hi Soupwars Project:
My page is appended
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=60426
I hope to hear from you!
rxm76
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
Re: Re: Re: Sci fi
Jenny _S said:
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
It certainly gave me a laugh. 
rxm76, your saga is 12 chapters long! It's got red Hs all the way so I guess it's good.
I'll do a feedback soon on one of the other stories you've got.
rxm76, your saga is 12 chapters long! It's got red Hs all the way so I guess it's good.
I'll do a feedback soon on one of the other stories you've got.
hiddenself
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2002
- Posts
- 452
It took me a while to read the whole series, but now I'm done.
It is a good story, a bit of a spinoff on The Clan of the Cave Bear, but with enough additional elements to make it quite original.
I also have to point out more than a few similarities (in flavor and plot ideas rather than writing) to one of my top sagas here at Lit:
smokeSCREEN (by Riven___Caulfield)
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=50650
I'm not able to give detailed feedback with just a single read. So, just an overall impression.
My main trouble with this first read concerns storyline: there are certain elements of unbelievability throughout the story. I'm willing to go along and believe in the universe you're weaving, but you have to play by the rules you set.
The business with the Queen having had 3 children with her savage lover is kinda over the top. It simply couldn't have happened in the universe you're describing. And besides, just one child (Aablar) would have done fine for the purposes of your story.
A more serious problem concerns the way both Caitlin and Althea get "converted" emotionally. They get kidnapped, brutally assaulted, raped, beaten. These are not easy things for them to overcome, given their "civilized" life up to that point and their psychological conditioning against males. In my view, you rush things too fast, you simply do not allow enough time for the two women to "let themselves go" and become attached to Aablar.
I am not sure how I feel about your abundant use and your description of the FF scenes and the lesbian, Amazon-type culture of the Zon. Sometimes, I got the feeling that you were overplaying that particular card. Othertimes, those scenes fell easily in place, naturally. I will pay more attention in the second read.
All in all, an admirable effort, although not quite attaining excellence on my scale.
It is a good story, a bit of a spinoff on The Clan of the Cave Bear, but with enough additional elements to make it quite original.
I also have to point out more than a few similarities (in flavor and plot ideas rather than writing) to one of my top sagas here at Lit:
smokeSCREEN (by Riven___Caulfield)
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=50650
I'm not able to give detailed feedback with just a single read. So, just an overall impression.
My main trouble with this first read concerns storyline: there are certain elements of unbelievability throughout the story. I'm willing to go along and believe in the universe you're weaving, but you have to play by the rules you set.
The business with the Queen having had 3 children with her savage lover is kinda over the top. It simply couldn't have happened in the universe you're describing. And besides, just one child (Aablar) would have done fine for the purposes of your story.
A more serious problem concerns the way both Caitlin and Althea get "converted" emotionally. They get kidnapped, brutally assaulted, raped, beaten. These are not easy things for them to overcome, given their "civilized" life up to that point and their psychological conditioning against males. In my view, you rush things too fast, you simply do not allow enough time for the two women to "let themselves go" and become attached to Aablar.
I am not sure how I feel about your abundant use and your description of the FF scenes and the lesbian, Amazon-type culture of the Zon. Sometimes, I got the feeling that you were overplaying that particular card. Othertimes, those scenes fell easily in place, naturally. I will pay more attention in the second read.
All in all, an admirable effort, although not quite attaining excellence on my scale.
falcon29
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2002
- Posts
- 199
--- You should first preface this with, "apologies to Jean Auel".
--- "polar bear skin"??
--- "deerskin panties", moccasins??
--- he rubbed her clitoris?? (PLEASE!!)
--- in spite of the fact that she was a virgin, there was no pain from vaginal penetration?
I'm sorry, but you need to spend more time thinking through the mechanisms of the story and researching your prehistory. I read as far as the point at which she told him she wanted to dress and he understood her. I realize the story is a fantasy, but From everything I have read, there really is no way a Neanderthal could have understood amy Cro-Magnon's verbal communications. You may have been able to make it fly with hand gestures.
Anyway, regardless of any anachronisms, this is too long. I don't know about others, but I come here to read short erotic stories that pique my interest. This is way too long.
Maybe with the help of an editor, you can turn it into a series of books, but the first page of the first part is pretty reminiscent of Clan of the Cave Bears.
I'd bet a million dollars that no Neanderthal ever knew of the existence of the clitoris. Most of our contemporaries can't find it in their own wives!
--- "polar bear skin"??
--- "deerskin panties", moccasins??
--- he rubbed her clitoris?? (PLEASE!!)
--- in spite of the fact that she was a virgin, there was no pain from vaginal penetration?
I'm sorry, but you need to spend more time thinking through the mechanisms of the story and researching your prehistory. I read as far as the point at which she told him she wanted to dress and he understood her. I realize the story is a fantasy, but From everything I have read, there really is no way a Neanderthal could have understood amy Cro-Magnon's verbal communications. You may have been able to make it fly with hand gestures.
Anyway, regardless of any anachronisms, this is too long. I don't know about others, but I come here to read short erotic stories that pique my interest. This is way too long.
Maybe with the help of an editor, you can turn it into a series of books, but the first page of the first part is pretty reminiscent of Clan of the Cave Bears.
I'd bet a million dollars that no Neanderthal ever knew of the existence of the clitoris. Most of our contemporaries can't find it in their own wives!
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
He must smack her on the side of the head with his palm 10-12 times in that first chapter.
Sorry. It's not for me. The idea of sex with a Neanderthal borders on bestiality for me. Total turn-off.
Sorry. It's not for me. The idea of sex with a Neanderthal borders on bestiality for me. Total turn-off.
Colleen Thomas
Ultrafemme
- Joined
- Feb 11, 2002
- Posts
- 21,545
Thanks Rxm,
I am often acused of being to long winded, but compared to you I am the Mistress of brevity
Depending on which school of thought you ascribe to Neandertals were either very close to our own ancestors or light years apart, not even part of the HomoSapines DNA tree. Most readers will be blissfully unaware of the latest theories, including the recent find of a burial site that shows signs of having flowers placed in the grave along with implements and so forth. That said I felt like your version of Neandertal functioned on too high a level for what the research shows. It's a minor point, and defintely shouldn't discourage you from writing, but you might do well to go back and "dumb them down" just a bit. I think falcon's idea of non verbal communication would serve you much better.
Even as recently in history as the American wild west non verbal communication has proven to be extremly adaptable and functional when two groups who do not speak the same language meet. Over time a sort of "pidgon english" might come about. It is admitedly a small point in a large volume of work, but I feel like it would go a long way towards asking your readers to suspend their disbelief of the premise.
-Colly
I am often acused of being to long winded, but compared to you I am the Mistress of brevity
Depending on which school of thought you ascribe to Neandertals were either very close to our own ancestors or light years apart, not even part of the HomoSapines DNA tree. Most readers will be blissfully unaware of the latest theories, including the recent find of a burial site that shows signs of having flowers placed in the grave along with implements and so forth. That said I felt like your version of Neandertal functioned on too high a level for what the research shows. It's a minor point, and defintely shouldn't discourage you from writing, but you might do well to go back and "dumb them down" just a bit. I think falcon's idea of non verbal communication would serve you much better.
Even as recently in history as the American wild west non verbal communication has proven to be extremly adaptable and functional when two groups who do not speak the same language meet. Over time a sort of "pidgon english" might come about. It is admitedly a small point in a large volume of work, but I feel like it would go a long way towards asking your readers to suspend their disbelief of the premise.
-Colly
Rainbow Skin
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 15, 2002
- Posts
- 514
I'm all in favour of accuracy. However, this is a fantasy: you're allowed a certain amount of freedom, because we don't really know the truth. If you'd written a Regency romance and given the women farthingales and the men liripipes, you'd be crucified, and quite rightly.
But here you could spend a lot of time researching the latest on the Shanidar Cave burial, the mtDNA in Mungo Man, the presence of the hyoid bone, the rival claims of researchers Svante Pääbo and Milford Wolpoff -- those are all hints on where to look in case you want to go for the science, by the way --; but however much research you did, it'd be in danger of being superseded in a few years. (Unlike the facts about what they wore or how they spoke in Regency England.)
A science fiction writer does have to make their science and technology convincing enough to the average reader, but could hardly be expected to be conversant with all the latest real theories on black holes and warp drive: a good fiction is usually enough. Proto-Human romances have different problems, but the same point applies. A few people will always know enough to point out where you've gone wrong.
Personally, I raised my eyebrows at "panties" but spluttered at Neanderthals not only speaking a human-like language (which is possible), but the same one as Cro-Magnons.
But here you could spend a lot of time researching the latest on the Shanidar Cave burial, the mtDNA in Mungo Man, the presence of the hyoid bone, the rival claims of researchers Svante Pääbo and Milford Wolpoff -- those are all hints on where to look in case you want to go for the science, by the way --; but however much research you did, it'd be in danger of being superseded in a few years. (Unlike the facts about what they wore or how they spoke in Regency England.)
A science fiction writer does have to make their science and technology convincing enough to the average reader, but could hardly be expected to be conversant with all the latest real theories on black holes and warp drive: a good fiction is usually enough. Proto-Human romances have different problems, but the same point applies. A few people will always know enough to point out where you've gone wrong.
Personally, I raised my eyebrows at "panties" but spluttered at Neanderthals not only speaking a human-like language (which is possible), but the same one as Cro-Magnons.
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