Schön

[Shukaku]

Nothing here.

Things.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

And what you do you want?

 

[_Lynn_]

I don't know what to reply yet.

What are you asking for here?

 

[Shukaku]

I was curious to know if that's a good beginning. I'm trying to start a new fanfiction and I started on it. This is what I came up with. Any suggestions to make this first chapter better?

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I wont comment on work that references underage sex.

 

[Shukaku]

Ah, actually they're both in their twenties. ^_^;

I’m already twenty, Shishou.

^ See? It's in the beginning.

It was a challenge request. Haha, I don't write about underage 12 years olds. Nope, it's a "Future" fanfiction you could say.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Personally, it reads like a 14 year old masturbating over his Japanese comic books. Not really interesting to read.

 

[The Jeffinator]

Hey, take that back, bub. Shukaku is a terrific writer, much better that you, no doubt.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Hey, take that back, bub. Shukaku is a terrific writer, much better that you, no doubt.

Sorry, that's just my opinion of what he posted here.

 

[The Jeffinator]

HE? HE!?!?!? No, my friend, Shukaku is not a he. She's an incredibly gorgeous japanese girl.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

HE? HE!?!?!? No, my friend, Shukaku is not a he. She's an incredibly gorgeous japanese girl.

It's really immaterial. My only interest is for what they wrote, not what they are.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Best place to post for feedback on this would be http://adultfanfiction.net , or http://ficwad.com

There isn't an overwhelming interest in FF here on lit.

 

[_Lynn_]

Personally, it reads like a 14 year old masturbating over his Japanese comic books. Not really interesting to read.

I agree totally.

 

[CeriseNoire]

On the writing front, I think organization and flow need work. As for where this belongs, I'd take Stella's advice. Oh, and having watched the show, while obviously the action/events are up to you, I don't think it does justice to the original characters. Even if set after the time skip (which it seems to be), it seems all they share with the originals are the names. Just my 2 cents.

 

[jomar]

I thought is was sort of like performance art on paper. Since it came up though, wouldn't mind seeing her picture.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I'm not sure where this story is going, Shukaru. The writing is good. I wouldn't start half the dialogue with an elipsis, were it me writing. But it's yourr story, not mine. The piece, generally, is rather interesting in an off beat sense. I can see some potential in this writing.

The biggest problem I see with this piece is it's not really the kind of thing you find on Literotica. It's far more "literary" than almost anything I've ever read here.

I'm not sure where you would post it, but I think you will be disappointed if you post it on Lit.