Saying Goodbye

[Mae13]

I had to say goodbye to him today, and I forgot how much that could hurt. Perhaps the strangest thing about it is I'm not going to be able to be there when he dies, and I feel a bit gypped by that fact. I get territorial about the oddest things sometimes. Instead, I got to settle him gently onto his litter this morning and send him off to his last flight, back to the States to be with his family in the weeks he has left on this mortal coil.

It's been a long time since I had the opportunity to take care of folks at the end of their life...I hadn't realized how much I missed it. I love the work, of course not in a macabre sense, but a peaceful sort of way. It's been a trying, but good couple weeks with him...he'd be crabby, apologize, get pissy, apologize, we'd laugh together a little bit, he would talk about his family and friends for a while, then go insta-grumpy and controlling, then apologize... Each time it just made me smile, and care for him a little more. In my book, you're allowed to be a bit grumpy in his situation. 57 is too fucking young to die like that, your life becoming a blur of convoluted phrases like bone, lung and brain mets, mediastinal shifting, DNR/DNI...people more interested in talking to you about your disease processes instead of talking to you. Healthcare folks can suck like that sometimes. That bright, fiercely intelligent glimmer in his eye caught my heart, just as it did when they were clouded with confusion and pain. A few days of sharing can mean a lifetime in situations like these. A welcoming to the fold, sometimes feeling like you've become an honorary family member. The sense of connection with someone else and the idea that you might have done something in this life that means something to someone else. That's what I really missed.

Goodbye M, a peaceful journey to you. You are now a part of the fabric of my heart, joining with those who came before you.

*sigh* Enough from me. 17 hours is a loooong shift on a busy night. I guess I didn't really have a point behind this posting, just sometimes it's nice to ramble about the things in your head and sometimes I get tired of talking to myself, heh.

Nite Lit, may you never thirst.

 

[Debbie]

Night, Mae13. You do a wonderful job of caring for people. It must be so hard.
I have felt only a tiny iota of this, touching someone, holding their hand. Reading and talking or listening to them. Knowing that in your own way you are trying to make their short time left a little easier or better.
Thank you for the kind things you do for people when they are terminally ill.
Sleep well, Mae13.

 

[SilverVeil]

I am sorry Mae.
For all it's inevitability death is something so hard to accept. It is never fair, and those who are leaving us, leave a void in our hearts that their memories can never quite fill as much as their presence did.

 

[intrigued]

Once again, Mae, you've touched me to my core.


"M" knows all of this, in fact, everything inside you, "M" knows.

Don't try to make sense of why we come into this world so perfect, and so many leave this world just trashed and crippled and broken. It is not something we can possibly understand. One can say that it is a lesson to the living, but it is the rare person that embraces every second, knowing it can turn on a dime, into a tragedy we cannot comprehend. Just love without asking why...just love, it is a gift to both you, and the person you love, and it lives through all time, all tragedy.

You're in my thoughts, my dear Mae.

 

[ksmybuttons]

Sometimes just saying "goodbye" is not enough closure for me. When some one I connect with leaves, I want to know what happened to them at the end. Did everything go right? Was it easy for them? Did they get to do the things they needed to do? I may move on to the next, but those questions always remain and, even after 27 years, I still carry some of them in my heart and wonder...

 

[Samuari]

Stranger in a Strange Land?

This is the third aniversary of my Dad's death, and I can still see the light leave his eyes as he left us, after a long siege of lukemah at 90. We had about 48 hours to get all his grand kids together, and he said good bye to each of them remembering special moments that they had shared with him. He and I had become fully reconcilled during this last illness after decades of an uneasy truce. One of my few regrets in life is the years that we waisted 'walking on eggs' instead of becoming the friends that we should have been. Tomorrow, God willing I'l be laying a spray of flowers on his grave and remembering the good times that we had.

 

[Black_Bird]

Hey Mae... I'm sorry to hear this. *Hugs* You're good at what you do, and you know it too.

I hope your new friend finds peace, and I hope *you* get some rest, nursie girl.

 

[aaron697]

I understand

Caring for people in that time of their life is rewarding, but intense. Most run from the situation, due to a multitude of reasons that I cannot explain.

I have been there Mae, holding a hand, connecting with a person. Crying at times, making a soulful connection. Letting them know you are there and will not leave.

I remember when I was becoming a nurse, and visiting my uncle. He was dying from Lung CA. Bedbound, delusional at times from the narcotics, he would become quite lucid at times. He was surronded by family and friends. I was amazed at how he wanted to talk about dying, life....but many would avoid the conversation, change the subject, or leave the room. I remember sitting there, eyes welled with tears, listening to him. Angry, angry that many did not see the importance in letting him talk about death and confront this most life affirming event. We made a deep connection, deeper then I ever made with him.

I cried with him, held his hand. Listened, as long as he spoke. I felt blessed to be able to be there and journey with him on that last mile before we had to part ways....as I could not go with him any further, my body constrained me to this world.

I could go on and on, but to acknowledge the human in the bed, during those final days is a noble and powerful gift. It really is a gift that drains the individual....I can not say more. Mae, your writing moved me, brought back memories. Made me cry.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Yes, as you have said. Life is short, drink deep.

A

 

[emptyness]

don't wanna say i know

showing you care and being there is what "M" saw. without all the medical mumbo-jombo, he knew where things were going a lot sooner than most people would probably think. it's something that echoes in the soul. and he knew that it was worth the while to spend that little bit of time with you. some folks, when they're leaving, they huddle inside themselves, trying to defend. giving no fault to them, it's not an easy piece to face, but "M" sounds like he was still wanting life, even as it slipped away. He knew that it was worth the moments to spend with you, and those moments will be a part of him always. you are now a part of him always, and you should know that. it's not a "hey look at me" kind of thing, but you've brought yourself into someone's life greatly there, and it will always mean so much to him. He bothered, that should be proof enough. sharing even at that point is never in vain. nothing, no connection with anyone can ever be in vain.
i am sorry that you hurt. nothing takes that away. and i'm sorry that "M" has gone. there is no comfort in passing, no matter what. but at least he has a glimpse of you to hold with him along the way. it's not that great a place to be, but i am envious of you. to be able to touch someone and really be there with them; it's sad but also a glimpse into how wonderful you are.
i'm running on. hmm. you know how this bit kind of comes home for me. it's not an easy thing, but maybe you were there for a reason. you know you were.
e

 

[Guest]

long ago and far away, when there were guilds instead of unions and people didn't commute to work, what we call a job was known as a vocation. roughly, from the latin, this meant a calling, something that you were drawn or destined to do. it is rare nowadays, at least from what i have seen, to find someone who truly has found their vocation. in the sense of a craftsperson who spends a lifetime perfecting their talents and skills and applying them to better the lives of others, the only modern equivalent i can think of are the masons who worked on the national cathedral.

i have not found such a calling for myself, though, from the sounds of it, i think that you have mae.

this is not to advocate a life of toil and duty, though they have their place. more that your caring and compassion and dedication are special. especially given the pressures on health care workers in this age of hmos and managed care. i am certain that you touched his life every bit as much as he touched yours.

 

[laszloholyfield]

.....

 

[Freya]

While I have never had the terrible experience of being with someone as they left this world, I did work in an nursing agency, and had the honour of working with so many wonderful people who did this every day of their lives. The respect I have for those people, and for you, is something I cannot even express. To make such an inhumane moment more comfortable, more pleasant, and a little brighter for a person, is a gift. Too often they are treated as nothing more than a shell in a bed, a person to be talked around and about, a disease instead of a human being. The fact that people like you can look past to find the person underneath truly amazes me, and makes me so happy that you exist in this world. You do make it a better place, just by being here. Thank you.

 

[Mae13]

<snip>

especially given the pressures on health care workers in this age of hmos and managed care.

You know Lasz, it's interesting you bring this up...since I went back to work the next night and he had returned to my unit. Seems we got him all ready to fly back to the States to spend his last days with his children, only to be turned around at the gate because it wasn't approved to pay for a 'hospital plane' to get him back there in a timely fashion. Now we're scrambling, trying to find someway to get him there, but the earliest we can do is Sunday, and I am not sure if he'll make it that long, or be healthy enough to fly in 4 days. Every day is significantly downhill at this point.

It fucking infuriates me, things like this. Because you know, it sure wasn't some lackey from the insurance company that had to sit at this man's side and take his hand and tell him that we can't fly him right now, and that it will be a few more days until we can try to get him to his family. And you can bet your sweet ass it WON'T be them that will be apologizing to his 5 children in Cali if these delays are too long and he doesn't survive long enough to catch our MedEvac. It is never the people that put up these roadblocks that have to deal with the fallout.

Still, even with these headaches, I wouldn't want to give it up. You know what he said when I saw him the next night and we were talking about him not being able to fly? He gave me a tired, slightly mischevious little smile and said "I guess there are too many of you sweet people here to leave". And folks wonder why I love them so much

 

[Mae13]

Well Samuari...

Your box is full! So I'll post my lil note to you here instead.

~~
You know, you're the first person that's ever gotten my drink deep/never thirst notations. Or at least, the first to ever voice the connection. Wheee....

I hope your day of remembering for your father was peaceful.

*hug*
mae

 

[ksmybuttons]

Probably too late but did they try
http://www.airlifeline.org/a1/servlet/visit?path=A1x66x1y1x1cdx1

 

[aaron697]

*Sigh*

*hug*

You know, there seems that at times care should override bureaucracy.....

Is such a shame.

A

 

[laszloholyfield]

.....