"Saturnalia" A gay historic

[jon.hayworth]

I have ventured to write a Gay Male story. The setting is Roman Britain about the 2nd century.

I am quite pleased with it, but I would like other people's comments and feedback. I am considering expanding the plot that is partially developed into a full length novel.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=46623

Thank you

jon

 

[Impetus]

I generally liked the story, but I had some trouble following the words. The best example is this:

"He watched Agricollus Brigantus, his master's younger brother dancing with one of the domestic women. A low sluttish baggage in the scribe's jaundiced opinion. "

I don't think I've ever seen the words 'A low sluttish baggage in the scribe's jaundiced opinion' in type before. One thing, it should either be:

A low(,) sluttish baggage(,) in the scribe's jaundiced opinion.

or: a low(-)sluttish baggage... Depending on what that actually means. (I noticed a lot of comma errors in other places too.) The thrust of my concern is that, while you did use history to good effect in the story (the celebration and switching of master and slave being a good example), the language can't be 'too' historical or you'll have your readers scratching their heads rather than fondling their crotches.

I did like the brief internal monologues, I thought it gave good insight into the direction that...uh...what's-his-face was going. That's another concern there. With the names being as odd as they were, I had trouble remebering who was who. A slightly more extended character introduction might help this.

Not my favorite type of erotica, but I immagine it was a difficult story to write, and for all of that, you did pretty darn well.

-I

 

[Ray Dario]

Jon;

Your grammer and word usage are excellent. The plot was well devised and you kept the pace up. The characters were well defined and interesting. Overall it was an excellent story.

Really, the subject matter was not my thang, but the writing itself was excellent. I can't think of any points to give you to improve or any critism to give you.

Ray

 

[jon.hayworth]

Impetus,

Thank you for your response and taking the time to read the story.

I will address your points first.-

Agreed, I do tend to make comma errors - a matter I am currently working on. I hope there were less than in past stories.
The historical language and names do pose a dilemma, and I guess it is a problem without a resolution. If I use modern language, as I did in "The Memorial". I used the word "sexy" and the phrase "don't go there", I get mail telling me the language is too modern. On the other hand I am also aware that other people just want a good crotch-grabber. My problem is finding the voice that strikes a balance. or maybe I have to accept that I can never satisfy everyone.

The direct mail feedback usually comes from history buffs, either congratulating me or concerned about historical accuracy.

Ray.

Thank you for reading the story and your kind comments. Not my thang either, but taking part in Lits Survivor Contest dictates I have to visit these areas of sexuality.

Thank you both of you, and those people who have e-mailed me.

jon

 

[p_p_man]

Usually when I see openings like...

"The Greek domestic slaves, Demonethes the scriba and Ganethes the curator were charged by their master Agricollus Antonius to organise the food and entertainment for the celebration of the annual Feast of Saturnalia."

I turn off, close the book and go elsewhere. I find them too wordy with words too strange for me to read as entertainment. Add to that I'm not a great fan of gay literature I thought reading your piece and giving a fair comment on it would be an uphill struggle.

Far from it and I'm pleasantly surprised. The story moves along smoothly, with nothing in the way to make me stop and go back a few words to make sure I hadn't missed something crucial. The plot was fine and although I guessed the end, that didn't spoil my pleasure in reading the story. In fact it made me feel satisfied that I had reached the end of a well written tale knowing that I was so in tune with the author (speaking generally there jon!)

The storyline was excellent and did its job of helping the story to roll along in an uninterrupted manner (as is the purpose of storylines!).

Nothing more for me to say. Except that in future I won't be quite so hasty to dismiss a story based on having to read unfamiliar words in a genre I thought I wasn't comfortable with.

Very nice.

There's one thing I have to mention but nothing to do with the story (well only obliquly anyway). I did like Impetus's comment "the language can't be 'too' historical or you'll have your readers scratching their heads rather than fondling their crotches". That's how I would have thought before I read the tale but apart from that I like his "scratching heads instead of crotches " comment. Definitely a phrase to go down in my "things to use in my writings" database...

ppman

 

[jon.hayworth]

P_P_Man,

Thank you for your comments, and for sticking with the story.

I agree with you that Impetus's phrase "scratching heads instead of fondling their crotches" is priceless for any how to write Erotica essay. - Impetus you ought to patent that phrase.

Once again I'd respond to your critique of the introduction that this is the part of historic fiction genre that I am constantly battling with. I guess if the complaints are evenly divided between too modern from the history buffs and made me struggle from others then I probably have it about right.

Consider if I had written an introduction something like this.

"The Greek domestic slaves Demonethes the clerk and Ganathes the manager, were ordered by their boss to get the booze and food in for the traditional seventeen day Saturnalia party."

I don't think I would have taken you back 2000 years.

As for the Gay bit - I struggled, my only satisfaction is knowing you also will have to struggle through the same story line. HA HA!!

 

[p_p_man]

P_P_Man,

Consider if I had written an introduction something like this.

"The Greek domestic slaves Demonethes the clerk and Ganathes the manager, were ordered by their boss to get the booze and food in for the traditional seventeen day Saturnalia party."

I don't think I would have taken you back 2000 years.

Definitely not! You have probably opened up a whole new genre for me to read

As for the Gay bit - I struggled, my only satisfaction is knowing you also will have to struggle through the same story line. HA HA!!

I already have

 

[Impetus]

....I used the word "sexy" and the phrase "don't go there", I get mail telling me the language is too modern. On the other hand I am also aware that other people just want a good crotch-grabber. My problem is finding the voice that strikes a balance. or maybe I have to accept that I can never satisfy everyone...

I thought about this some too. I really haven't come up with a good answer to the problem either. Perhaps it's an inherant weaknes in historical and erotic stories that the language for one aspect doesn't jive with the other. I'm working on a fantasy piece, and I've just decided to go right for modern speach for two reasons. 1) I don't know how to write good historical speach (erotic or not). 2) It's easier and more fun to write colloquially. That's where I stand on the issue. Course, I'm not looking for historical accuracy, so it's a bit of an apple/orange problem.

If you keep up the historical fiction shtick, I'll keep dropping feedback on you. If you do happen to find that magical balencing point, I'll be duely impressed. Good luck.

-I

 

[jon.hayworth]

Thanks Impetus,

I'll let you know when the next one is posted. At the moment I am in 16th Century London writing my part of the Chain story.

This makes the language problem slightly easier, as I do have original texts upon which to draw. Not only the plays of Shakespeare and Marlowe, but also the diary of a doctor and some other contemporary texts.

Let me know when you post your fantasy I'll be interested in how your solution worked.

jon