Satan's Little Helper - My Halloween Contest Entry

[JimPet]

Merry Meet Everyone,

I do not get to post many of my stories here, however I have made it a point to enter the Halloween contest for the last three years (That is my favorite time of the year and I LOVE the stories I write this time of year.)

Last night I posted my newest story (one my husband and I have worked on for a while).

I would be very interested in creative criticism. I understand the content of the story can be very controversial, so I am not looking for "moral" or "religious opinion".

(I already have formed my own opinions and no amount of showing your own personal opinion or threatening will make me change my opinion, only pity you all the more).

I am hoping to have some creative advice on what the story seems to be lacking, and hopefully a little praise on its good points.

Brightest of Blessings
Marla Al Vutha (formerly JimsPet)

 

[sr71plt]

(I already have formed my own opinions and no amount of showing your own personal opinion or threatening will make me change my opinion, only pity you all the more).

Well, gee, I'll jump right on spending time giving feedback on it, then.

 

[JimPet]

Well, gee, I'll jump right on spending time giving feedback on it, then.

Maybe that did not come out right, I just meant about the actual content of the story. I tend get a lot of people sending me PMs about the morals of religion when it comes to stories I have written, usualy they are along the line of insisting I change my views and immediately abandon my own spiritual path to follow one they feel I should be following.

I was not trying to sound like a bitch or anything.

 

[sr71plt]

Maybe that did not come out right, I just meant about the actual content of the story. I tend get a lot of people sending me PMs about the morals of religion when it comes to stories I have written, usualy they are along the line of insisting I change my views and immediately abandon my own spiritual path to follow one they feel I should be following.

I was not trying to sound like a bitch or anything.

Ah, I see. OK.

 

[tickledkitty]

Link to story:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=332325

 

[tickledkitty]

Hey Marla,

This is pretty well written.

I think I'd skip the disclaimer. The people who will take offense will be offended anyway. You shouldn't have to explain yourself or apologize. It is fiction, right?

There are a few grammatical errors, namely your use of your when it should be you're.

I liked the imagery at the beginning. You set the scene well. I did have a hard time with Marcy getting out of the car and walking. I was wondering why she didn't just drive the rest of the way home if it was only two or three miles. This is always my problem with horror. I get bothered that people do stupid things and set themselves up for disaster.

I liked the reference to the characters being figments of the writer's imagination. Cute.

Nice twist at the end, although maybe her transformation was a little too quick. I almost wanted God to intervene. Maybe I thought that's where you were going. Either way, the bad guy gets his come-uppance in the end, I guess.

This has been hard to critique because I didn't really like the story. I'm not sure I was supposed to though. I'll end by saying your writing is not bad. The story was easy to read.

Good luck in the contest.

 

[JimPet]

Hey Marla,

This is pretty well written.

I think I'd skip the disclaimer. The people who will take offense will be offended anyway. You shouldn't have to explain yourself or apologize. It is fiction, right?

There are a few grammatical errors, namely your use of your when it should be you're.

I liked the imagery at the beginning. You set the scene well. I did have a hard time with Marcy getting out of the car and walking. I was wondering why she didn't just drive the rest of the way home if it was only two or three miles. This is always my problem with horror. I get bothered that people do stupid things and set themselves up for disaster.

I liked the reference to the characters being figments of the writer's imagination. Cute.

Nice twist at the end, although maybe her transformation was a little too quick. I almost wanted God to intervene. Maybe I thought that's where you were going. Either way, the bad guy gets his come-uppance in the end, I guess.

This has been hard to critique because I didn't really like the story. I'm not sure I was supposed to though. I'll end by saying your writing is not bad. The story was easy to read.

Good luck in the contest.

Merry Meet Tickledkitty

Thank you so much for posting a link!

Also a huge thank you for the feedback! I very much appreciate what you had to say. I can understand it being hard to critique something you dont exactly like *laughs*

The your/you're(s) are my fault. My grammer is horrid sometimes and my husband is very AR about it. Thats why I usually let him edit for me. Sometimes I get impaitent with his add an apostrophy here, your tense is screwed there, you forgot a comma here. *laughs* At the time I am rolling my eyes, sighing in exhasperation and thinkin 'does it REALY matter'?

I think someone needs an apology from his spolied little brat of a wife!

Thank you for the note on the disclaimer *nods*.

I agree I would have drove the rest of the way too. Horror cliches *laughs* at least she didnt break her leg while running only sprained the ankle *lmao* I had tried to pick on some of the stupid things I have seen women do in horror movies.

Again thank you so much for the responce and link!

Brightest of Blessings
Marla Al Vutha (formerly JimsPet)

 

[Taylor_Wasabi]

If the Thermometer in the Comments Area Were a Bit Finer-tuned, I'd Give It a 90

I just posted a fairly extensive commentary in the Comments area for this story rather than here in the forum (which I just found.) Hope that doesn't contravene some rule of the community. Here is what I said:

I'd have given this a full 100 if it had not been for the spelling and punctuation errors. The better the story, the more a "your" instead of a "you're" gets in the way of enjoyment. This one is so good that an apostrophe in the wrong place actually breaks, briefly, the "spell" that only good fiction can achieve.

But enough on that topic. This is one powerful, imagination-capturing, attention-riveting, narrative. From the song to the flat tire/dead flashlight/ missing jack/dead cell-phone sequence (nicely timed, totally inevitable, and completely necessary) to the ways in which we get the sense that Morty was a jerk right from the outset (what really cool Satanist would ever feel the need to use a phrase like "my child" during an abduction?) to the maginificent one-upping on Latin (though I seem to recall at least some of the phrases from a little book on Latin insults for moderns, or some such) the story really should be polished and included in a print edition somewhere.

Moreover, because of the way it has been set up, it just cries out for a sequel. After all, its heroine can now go home in any of a number of cars. Or fly. Or translocate. (And I'm sure, even in her transformed state, she's still concerned about her cats. Maybe even moreso.) And there is Kyle to deal with. And "the little slut." The whole notion of the devil in the workplace seems like it would be amazingly rich.

One final suggestion. There are some marked discrepancies in voice between the narrator and the voice in the narrator's head, particularly at the beginning of the story. The narrator is literate, uses complex sentences, makes interesting allusions, and sounds generally educated and observant. The thoughts of the disappointed young woman are completely different, even taking into account how angry and scared she is. Does that fact that she is now possesed by Satan account for this? Not likely, because Satan wouldn't be telling us this story, only someone who has struck a deal and can do Satan's work when needed. It wouldn't take much editing to make them a little more consistent.

Thanks for a superior read. This is one reader who looks forward to seeing Satan's Little Helper: Back at the Office.​

And here, I would like to join others in assuring you that it's just not necessary to worry about what a hypothetical anti-Satanist might say. First, they should be accorded the same rights of free speech that we demand. Second, their motives in speaking out may only marginally include changing your values. They either believe that God will judge them harshly if they don't speak out, or that they must do what they can to keep others from following your evil path, or that you are already Satan incarnate, or some combination of the above. In any event, literally nothing you can say will silence a "true believer," unless you know of some way to put out a fire by pouring gasoline on it. (OK, that's technically possible, but not a method I would recommend we try at home.)

 

[tickledkitty]

Merry Meet Tickledkitty

Thank you so much for posting a link!

Also a huge thank you for the feedback! I very much appreciate what you had to say. I can understand it being hard to critique something you dont exactly like *laughs*

The your/you're(s) are my fault. My grammer is horrid sometimes and my husband is very AR about it. Thats why I usually let him edit for me. Sometimes I get impaitent with his add an apostrophy here, your tense is screwed there, you forgot a comma here. *laughs* At the time I am rolling my eyes, sighing in exhasperation and thinkin 'does it REALY matter'?

I think someone needs an apology from his spolied little brat of a wife!

Thank you for the note on the disclaimer *nods*.

I agree I would have drove the rest of the way too. Horror cliches *laughs* at least she didnt break her leg while running only sprained the ankle *lmao* I had tried to pick on some of the stupid things I have seen women do in horror movies.

Again thank you so much for the responce and link!

Brightest of Blessings
Marla Al Vutha (formerly JimsPet)

You're very welcome! And thank YOU for not getting offended when I said I didn't really like your story. I probably shouldn't have said that. Ah, well. Sometimes I'm a little too honest, especially here.

I just wanted to say that maybe using another editor would help. Have your SO read it over, of course, and make suggestions, but then send it to someone who is not so close to you for the final edit. I do this with some of my Lit friends. They read my stuff first and comment and then I send it to my editor. I do the same for them. It's really helpful to get some different opinions before you actually submit the story. If you have a lot of people reading it, little things like grammar errors are more likely to be caught. Also, maybe the criticism is a little easier to accept from someone you're not quite so emotionally involved with.

 

[JimPet]

I just posted a fairly extensive commentary in the Comments area for this story rather than here in the forum (which I just found.) Hope that doesn't contravene some rule of the community. Here is what I said:

I'd have given this a full 100 if it had not been for the spelling and punctuation errors. The better the story, the more a "your" instead of a "you're" gets in the way of enjoyment. This one is so good that an apostrophe in the wrong place actually breaks, briefly, the "spell" that only good fiction can achieve.

But enough on that topic. This is one powerful, imagination-capturing, attention-riveting, narrative. From the song to the flat tire/dead flashlight/ missing jack/dead cell-phone sequence (nicely timed, totally inevitable, and completely necessary) to the ways in which we get the sense that Morty was a jerk right from the outset (what really cool Satanist would ever feel the need to use a phrase like "my child" during an abduction?) to the maginificent one-upping on Latin (though I seem to recall at least some of the phrases from a little book on Latin insults for moderns, or some such) the story really should be polished and included in a print edition somewhere.

Moreover, because of the way it has been set up, it just cries out for a sequel. After all, its heroine can now go home in any of a number of cars. Or fly. Or translocate. (And I'm sure, even in her transformed state, she's still concerned about her cats. Maybe even moreso.) And there is Kyle to deal with. And "the little slut." The whole notion of the devil in the workplace seems like it would be amazingly rich.

One final suggestion. There are some marked discrepancies in voice between the narrator and the voice in the narrator's head, particularly at the beginning of the story. The narrator is literate, uses complex sentences, makes interesting allusions, and sounds generally educated and observant. The thoughts of the disappointed young woman are completely different, even taking into account how angry and scared she is. Does that fact that she is now possesed by Satan account for this? Not likely, because Satan wouldn't be telling us this story, only someone who has struck a deal and can do Satan's work when needed. It wouldn't take much editing to make them a little more consistent.

Thanks for a superior read. This is one reader who looks forward to seeing Satan's Little Helper: Back at the Office.​

And here, I would like to join others in assuring you that it's just not necessary to worry about what a hypothetical anti-Satanist might say. First, they should be accorded the same rights of free speech that we demand. Second, their motives in speaking out may only marginally include changing your values. They either believe that God will judge them harshly if they don't speak out, or that they must do what they can to keep others from following your evil path, or that you are already Satan incarnate, or some combination of the above. In any event, literally nothing you can say will silence a "true believer," unless you know of some way to put out a fire by pouring gasoline on it. (OK, that's technically possible, but not a method I would recommend we try at home.)

Merry Meet Taylor_Wasabi

Thank you for the feedback on my story.

My husband found the latin phrases, I am not 100% sure where, while we were doing some research for another project and decided to throw it in.

We had not actually thought to make a sequal, but we have been toying with the idea of it now (thank you for the suggestion!)

Only one part of your feedback has left me a little confused.

One final suggestion. There are some marked discrepancies in voice between the narrator and the voice in the narrator's head, particularly at the beginning of the story. The narrator is literate, uses complex sentences, makes interesting allusions, and sounds generally educated and observant. The thoughts of the disappointed young woman are completely different, even taking into account how angry and scared she is. Does that fact that she is now possesed by Satan account for this? Not likely, because Satan wouldn't be telling us this story, only someone who has struck a deal and can do Satan's work when needed. It wouldn't take much editing to make them a little more consistent.

I hope you do not think I am sounding stupid or anything, but can you explain this to me?

Thank you again for taking the time to post! I truly appreciate it!

Brightest of Blessings
Marla Al Vutha

 

[JimPet]

You're very welcome! And thank YOU for not getting offended when I said I didn't really like your story. I probably shouldn't have said that. Ah, well. Sometimes I'm a little too honest, especially here.

I just wanted to say that maybe using another editor would help. Have your SO read it over, of course, and make suggestions, but then send it to someone who is not so close to you for the final edit. I do this with some of my Lit friends. They read my stuff first and comment and then I send it to my editor. I do the same for them. It's really helpful to get some different opinions before you actually submit the story. If you have a lot of people reading it, little things like grammar errors are more likely to be caught. Also, maybe the criticism is a little easier to accept from someone you're not quite so emotionally involved with.

Merry Meet tickledkitty
I do think that using an editor would help. I had tried once in the past to find an editor on here, and sent several letters asking if the editors I choose had time to review my story (I also included a small sample). Unfortunately I did not hear back from any of the ones I contacted.
But I am very encouraged to try again! I have received some awsome feedback from everyone and my husband and I will definately look into an editor before I submit my next story!
Brightest of Blessings
Marla Al Vutha

 

[tickledkitty]

Merry Meet tickledkitty
I do think that using an editor would help. I had tried once in the past to find an editor on here, and sent several letters asking if the editors I choose had time to review my story (I also included a small sample). Unfortunately I did not hear back from any of the ones I contacted.
But I am very encouraged to try again! I have received some awsome feedback from everyone and my husband and I will definately look into an editor before I submit my next story!
Brightest of Blessings
Marla Al Vutha

I struck out that way too. Next time, try posting in the Editor's Forum asking for some help with a link to your previously submitted stories. That way they can see that you're a decent writer already. Shop around a little bit too. Don't take the first person who responds to your post just to make sure the person is legit. I had a few guys respond to me offering to help, but I think they really wanted something else. (I've nothing against people having fun, but I WAS looking for an editor.) Posting here and in the AH helps as well. Maybe an editor will just find you.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Don't take the first person who responds to your post just to make sure the person is legit. I had a few guys respond to me offering to help, but I think they really wanted something else.

TK, you should have had Marsh on ignore.

Jimpet

I agree the disclaimer should go. Start off with an apology and you start off on the wrong foot.

I thought it was a well crafted story even though the end got a bit bloody. Yes, acouple of glitches, but few stories here are free from any typos. The Editor's Forum is a good place to ask for someone to do a proofreading and edit for you.

You shouldn't be so defensive. Put your stuff out there and be proud. Heck, there's a lot stronger in the popular published domain.

Well done

Elle

 

[tickledkitty]

TK, you should have had Marsh on ignore.

Oh? And why's that, elfin?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Oh? And why's that, elfin?

Being pestered by strange males with ulterior motives, when you wanted an editor.

'Twas meant as a joke - he's sweet.

 

[tickledkitty]

Being pestered by strange males with ulterior motives, when you wanted an editor.

'Twas meant as a joke - he's sweet.

Yes, he is. Very.