Sans Title

[Porn_n_Poetry]

Comments and critiques are more than welcome. I actually cut off the last two stanzas because, well... I'm not pleased enough to post them yet, and I think it says what it needs to with the first half. *shrug*
Just let me know what you think please.

Thanks in advance,
PnP

I cannot get to sleep tonight
It's not much different from the others.
I cannot leave the thought of you,
Though someone else shares my covers.
Lying next to me he sleeps so sweet
And I cry as I lay awake.
Because the thought of being torn apart
Is so much more than I can take.

It's the little things you do to me
That give me such grief and hope.
The sweetest things you say to me
That make it hard for me to cope.
Though your kind and gentle actions
Bring a happiness I can't feign,
There's a love that waits for me at home
And between you lies the pain.

 

[BluePoet]

I just commented on another poem. I said the poem may not interest readers, which didn't matter much since it was for one person only. If you're writing this for someone, then fine. But if you plan to submit it somewhere, I don't think many readers will find it interesting. I believe you need to give a reader more. Your poem is telling me that you can't sleep, that you're crying, and that little things give you grief and pain--what are the little things? This poem is mostly "tell" and not "show." As a reader I can't connect with this poem. I find your words to be forgettable, and that's mostly because they sound like the words in a million other internet poems. I think it would make a great improvement, for starters, if you offered some details, like what gives you grief, what are the gentle actions, etc.