Safewords - assigned or selected?

[Shankara20]

Safewords - assigned or selected?

As Top (or choose your word) do you choose the safeword you want used or does your bottom (or choose your word) select the safeword they will use?

As bottom, do you feel safer with a word you have selected, or with a word assigned to you?

Or is it a cooperated decision.

My bias is that in times of danger/ high stress/ panic a bottom will related to a word they choose better then risking the chance of becoming disoriented and have to search for the assigned word.

What do you all think?

 

[Daddyslilpet]

My safewords were selected by me and discussed with Daddy for approval. Yes I have two, one being for those times when I need to stop play for just a moment - for example, when I need to change a position due to my arthritis or something like that to keep from locking up a joint and having to stop play completely - and the other for those times when I'm in distress and play needs to stop completely.

My safewords were negotiated well before any play ever started. I am a firm believer in having them in place prior to play beginning if the couple is going to use them, not trying to introduce a safeword to a sub in the middle of play. They are hard enough to remember when you've had the same ones for 4 years much less trying to remember what you were just told when you aren't thinking clearly in the first place.

Great thread Shank!

 

[Cherrysweetdeal]

As an example the safewords chosen between G and I are a collaboration almost. We both decided what would be the easiest to get out in a situation. As a bottom I like the idea of both of us choosing but if I had a choice I would prefer to pick it.

 

[Belladonna]

I agree, I think that I (being a sub) would feel more comfortable choosing my own safeword prior to play. If the other gives me a word, I will most likely forget it as I can even forget my own names in some scenes...

 

[the captians wench]

I remember how the discussion of safe words came about for me. It wasn't with the Dom who was sessioning me, but with the house sub. Both of them are dear friends of mine, and her Master but at the time he was out of the country. Anyway I think I've told this story before in bits and pieces but here goes.

My first play session came about as sort of an accedent. I was just hanging out with the friends that I had mentioned before, and as the night grew late the three of us ended up goofing off in her bed room. Well she (slave) got to teasing him (dom) a little too much and he reached for one of the belts off of the wall. She wenced and cried out "don't hit me, hit her! Wenchie wants beat! Beat her." Which was of course true I was very ancious to try out my first real spanking, but he looked at her and replied "but she's not the one hitting me". And being the precocious little thing I am, I promtly crawled over to where he was standing beside the bed and hit him on his arm. He sort of grinned and well I got what I wanted.

I freaked the both of them out a bit because I giggled the whole time, and after about 20 mins they decided that I had enough, tho I wanted more of course. It wasn't until later when I was curled in bed with the little sub that safe words came up. She asked me if I had picked a safe word. I asked her what she ment because I was under the impression that he would pick one for me, that way he knew what I ment when I said it. She explained the concept to me, and then explained the traffic light method. I liked the traffic light thing much better and that was the way I was trained from then on.

When ever he tries something new with me, he goes over the traffic light method mid play. Just to sort of drill it in a bit that if I'm uncomfortable, we can stop or slow down as I choose. But I'm pretty obvious about where my limits are. I don't cry often from pain, so when I begin to tear Master and my friends know it's time to stop. And I'm usually perfectly still unless it's getting to be a bit much, then I squirm and streighten a bit, and they know to slow down. I'm not affraid to use a safe word, but I haven't felt that I've needed to. Anyone that has ever sessioned me seems to know when to stop with me. There has only been once when I was close to shouting out red, and as I felt the word drawling up from my belly Master said "okay that's enough" and we were done for the night. It's strange but I remember feeling such relief not having to say it, and feeling so clost to him for him knowing that I was at my limit.

 

[shy slave]

Interesting thread Shank

I have two safe words yellow and red.

He suggested them and I agreed.
Not because I was in a 'let me agree with this person on everything' mode but for three reasons.

1. His explanation of why I should have two words made sense

2. I could not think of an alternative.

3. I had had red as a safe word before yet I had never used it.

I have never liked the idea of using a safe word and struggled to say it even when I was at my limit, and beyond.
He and I had a 'stand off' where he made a decision to ensure I learnt how to use the word 'red.'
He won.

I can only think of three occasions when I have used it.
(I once used 'fucking bastard' as an alternative safe word, which proved to be a bad idea).


In one session I had to instantly and unexpectedly use 'red'.
The combination of the unexpectedness and the intensity fo the pain actually drove all thought from my mind. I was not sure if I was screaming, sobbing or being quiet.

I know I said/screamed/sobbed 'stop' and instantly begged 'please,' but I had to search in my head for what the safe word was.
He actually stopped on the word 'stop' and the whole episode was over in seconds, but it was a shock to realise that for a brief second I could not grasp any real words much less a safe word.

This leads me to another train of thought.
I know pyl's who have unusual words as a safe word, the reasoning being it cannot be accidentally used in a scene.
If they have an unfamiliar word, regardless of who chose it, and they really need to use it, it word may have vanished from their mind.

 

[Sheaf_Beast]

safe words

We use the standard house safe words, green, yellow red. With 50+ stations we try to keep it real simple so that if anyone needs help it is very clear.

 

[myinnerslut]

i suggested mine and my Sir agreed. my safewrd is actually the word "safeword" so i dont forget it, as i tend to not be able to speak well when i get overwhelmed.

 

[satin_coals]

Being a 'bottom', i feel that choosing my own safewords does indeed draw a certain amount of security from my own choice.

These, of course, were run by my 'top' well before any physical contact. Safewords were actually one of the first thing we discussed.

We also have 2 safewords;

MANGO: Stop what you're doing at that specific time but playtime is not over.
FIRE-ENGINE: Stop immediately and completely.

 

[Michi_Knickers]

I always have my own safe word, I insist on it.

 

[SpectreT]

In the abstract, since I'm not in a relationship at the moment;

If my prospective partner was an experienced sub, I'd naturally believe they'd have safe words that they were comfortable with, and able to remember. So, then it'd be a case of bring you own safeword. After all, even as inexperienced as I am, I've got a couple in mind that work quite well for me, so it would be natural to assume they did, too. So I'd ask if they had anything they were comfortable using already.

Someone less experienced might need some coaching, and we could discuss it, maybe come up with something together.

 

[Shankara20]

Thanks everyone.

It looks looks so far that contributors are saying they feel safest with safewords they had an active role in selecting. Some stated, "this is mine" to the Top, some others stated "this is the one I want, is that ok with you, Top?" and others followed Top's suggestion. They all ad and active roll in negotiating their safeword. At this point I have not seen a RL BDSM situation where a safeword was assigned or given by Top.

I'm looking forward to more experiences from anyone who wished to share

 

[agibean]

Maybe things are just different here

With my first Master, my play partners at the club in between Masters, and with my Husband now, I have always ever used regular words like "stop", "slow down", "something is wrong", or "yes, please, more" or the like. I have never played with anyone who wanted to use or suggested special BDSM words.

With my former Master I was sometimes gagged and we set up a couple of hand signals. It's been a long time, but I think opening anc closing my hands quickly was "stop right away", and a sort of wave meant to change things up but not stop.

I will say though, that it's been a rare thing for me to stop things. My doms have generally been most excellent at "checking in" with me as to how things are going, and know where I am in how much I can take. Stopping outright has been because of a cramp or something along those lines.

 

[the captians wench]

I remember the first time Master asked me "how do you feel" and I said "yellow". His reply was " pardon?" *giggles* by then I had snapped to a bit and relized he didn't understand what I ment, so I explained how things worked with the friends that had been sessioning me.

When a new friend asked me "how do you feel baby" and I happily sighed out "green" he was also thrown off a bit, but remembered our prior conversations on my training and was back in the game.

But because I'm used to answering "how do you feel" or "how are you feeling" with a color, I sometimes have to pause when I'm asked it out side of a scene. Almost slipped up once and answered yellow at a family function. I'm no good at those

 

[Shankara20]

I remember the first time Master asked me "how do you feel" and I said "yellow". His reply was " pardon?" *giggles* by then I had snapped to a bit and relized he didn't understand what I ment, so I explained how things worked with the friends that had been sessioning me.

When a new friend asked me "how do you feel baby" and I happily sighed out "green" he was also thrown off a bit, but remembered our prior conversations on my training and was back in the game.

But because I'm used to answering "how do you feel" or "how are you feeling" with a color, I sometimes have to pause when I'm asked it out side of a scene. Almost slipped up once and answered yellow at a family function. I'm no good at those

I was trained with "from 1 to 10, with 1 being no problem at all, where are you?"

 

[the captians wench]

I was trained with "from 1 to 10, with 1 being no problem at all, where are you?"

It's interesting tho finding out things like that. I mean....

Well as i stated, when safewords came up as a discussion, I just always asumed that the Top picked them out. Not sure why I did, that was just one of my preconceptions as a newbie. Well then when I was trained in the trafic light system, I just asumed that every one knew about it. Obviously I found out that not every one was familure with it, ie Master was not. Interesting what misconceptions we form in our own minds, and why.

 

[Shankara20]

It's interesting tho finding out things like that. I mean....

Well as i stated, when safewords came up as a discussion, I just always asumed that the Top picked them out. Not sure why I did, that was just one of my preconceptions as a newbie. Well then when I was trained in the trafic light system, I just asumed that every one knew about it. Obviously I found out that not every one was familure with it, ie Master was not. Interesting what misconceptions we form in our own minds, and why.

we also used yellow and red
yellow = hold on-hold on-just a moment-I need just a moment- (or to adjust a bad-painfull body part)

red = all stop now, will not start again today, care needed right now.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I was trained with "from 1 to 10, with 1 being no problem at all, where are you?"

I have used colors in the past, (red, green, yellow) but now I use what you just mentioned. I find it works for me to kind of map slave's responses.

Eb

 

[Shankara20]

I have used colors in the past, (red, green, yellow) but now I use what you just mentioned. I find it works for me to kind of map slave's responses.

Eb

does slave have his safeword?

 

[Ebonyfire]

does slave have his safeword?

Let me think. OWWWWW?

LOL

 

[Shankara20]

Let me think. OWWWWW?

LOL

LOL!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Seriously, he uses read - stop, yellow - slow down, and green for ok.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Seriously, he uses read - stop, yellow - slow down, and green for ok.

But he has not used them to date. Hence I have to do the 1 - 10 where are you scale. he is a mainly mute slave/man.

 

[callinectes]

Mine were assigned...red and yellow. Had I been told to choose my own, that's probably what I would have chosen anyway as they were used in much of my reading and I assumed they were fairly common. I also have a "time-out" safeword to be used if I don't understand or have questions. Due to my lack of experience, He felt that was important for me to have. That one will go away after a few sessions though.

 

[Chicklet]

I very much believe in saying what i mean, and meaning what i say. So, that said, i always keep my "safeword" as "stop." if i say stop, i want things to stop right away. if i say no, i mean no. i want to know that the words coming out of my mouth are taken seriously. and i don't think i would ever be able to switch to a safeword after the emphasis i put in my "no."