Safety and Dating

[Krinaia]

As some of you might know, I'm shopping around for a dominant or maybe just a really kinky boyfriend. This isn't an ad ... it's a a request for a little advice or at least your opinions. So here goes:


At what point is it okay to give out your phone number? At what point is it okay to let someone know your full name?


I don't want to be stalked or have some weirdo wanna dominant hiding in the bushes ready to whack me. But I've now at least chatted with a few men - some of them I'll re-release to the pond as part of a federal program to let them reach maturity first ( ), some I'd like to meet at least for lunch.

But when is it okay for me to give one of them my phone number? I have a cell only. There is one in particular I'd like to chat with over the phone but is it safe for me to give him my number? I feel safe enough meeting him - though admittedly, I'll be on home turf when I do and that itself sets me at ease.


So what do you guys think?

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I say err on the side of slightly paranoid. I had a playpartner stalk me by cell for some months after we STOPPED playing. Rather irritating. Get HIS number and leave YOURS out of the mix entirely is my vote.

If he has a problem with that...*shrugs*

Find another Dom.

Have you set up a safe call system for when you meet?

Wellllll...me being the Librarian that I am I have some lovely threads for you to check out if you haven't seen them already...


Here's a good thread on Safe Calls

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=78488

AND.....

one on safety in general....

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=164665



~anelize

 

[MissTaken]

What worked for me....

As for the phone number, I would talk with almost anyone as long as I was doing the calling and not giving out my number. That includes not calling anyone who could get through my caller id block.

As for meeting, well, my time frame fluctuated with different men. If I felt a twist in my stomach that said something isn't right, it generally wasn't. Listen to your guy instinct.

Meet in a public place.
Make arrangements for a safe call.
Have his name, address and phone number.
Adn always be clear about your intentions when meeting. Some easily develop affection over the phone and on line and feel that first meeting will automatically lead to a life of happiness. If your perspective is , "Let's meet and see what happens," say so.

Never meet someone just because you feel obligated to. If someone doesn't meet your specs or stimulate your mind, don't bother meeting them and be up front about it.

Direct communication is always key.
Then listen carefully to what is being told to you.
Be very leary of inconsistencies.
If you feel a need for a background check, do so.

 

[Krinaia]

I haven't set up a safe call yet but then again I haven't set up a date either. Lol. In my hometown, there are plenty of resturants I can choose where I have old friends working. It's great to be part of the college crowd sometimes


Thanks for the links. I'll check them out.


I'm pretty realistic and honest about it. This particular male seems to be the same. So far, no alarm bells - in fact he seems like at least friend material.


I guess really I know how to handle myself about meeting. But giving my number out... well.

Even if I just get his number and call him, it's not at all hard to trace the call. My cell only occasionally won't tell me the number I'm being called by. I use that all the time to just not answer calls from people I don't particularly feel like talking to : for example: if I have a good feeling my mom is calling to yell at me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

When I was looking, I never worried too much about giving out my phone number once I felt there was a possible connection on any level. I preferred to have that opportunity to talk one on one as in the early stages it helped destroy any growth of an incorrect image which is easy over the net. I figured there was little they could do over the phone and felt secure enough in my ability to handle the risk of harrassment in a variety of ways, the easiest 2 being hanging up if they become unwanted nuisances, or if you have caller ID, not answering the call if there is no number or it is a time you are familiar with him calling. Most of my friends numbers came up on my ID, or I would wait and let the answering machine to pick up (home phone). I was also in the fortunate position of having my number protected from tracing for address due to my profession.

As to my address or full name, that was a long time thing, usually never unless there was more than a couple of dates. I would give a general location area, but no address. I also used my online name, or at best, first name for quite a long time until I had met, or established a firm trust. From memory I only gave out my name and address to 2 men, one of them being Master. I found most Dominants who were serious about what they wanted, respected and appreciated my right to protect myself from someone who is not known to me and my children. The ones who pushed and tried to make it an issue of trusting them as a ''good submissive should' to intimidate me into giving out this information, especially shortly after beginning communication, were the ones I wrote of as untrustworthy.

Catalina

 

[wolf2002]

If I have a good feeling my mom is calling to yell at me.

She'll probably yell at you some more if she knew what you were up to...

Another tip: whenever you decide to meet in private, let people know where you will be...
Just be very careful, cyber space is full of sharks...

Wolf

 

[Krinaia]

She'll probably yell at you some more if she knew what you were up to...

Another tip: whenever you decide to meet in private, let people know where you will be...
Just be very careful, cyber space is full of sharks...

Wolf

chomp chomp....

nah, she'd just be glad i'm not a lesbian



Thing is - can I rightly expect him to give me his full name and address if I am unwilling to at least give him my full name? I tell you - as a college student with no real permanent address - it's very hard to trace me - also I don't have a credit history or criminal record so I don't exist. And the university DOES not give out student information. Though you can find me on the website - so actually, yah you can find my address that way. Ooops.

What do you think?

 

[niteshade]

First, I wanted to say something that does not apply to you in particular, but does deal with the issue of phone numbers. There are more reasons to be careful giving out a home phone number than you might think. I don't know about other phone companies, but the phone company here will give you a name and address if you have a phone number. When you consider that most people have some form of caller id these days, it is not really a smart idea to run around calling just anyone from your home phone. I have not heard of cell phone companies doing this, so I don't worry so much about giving out that number... if I don't want to talk to them anymore, I just wont answer the phone .

As far as him not wanting to give you pertinent info on himself unless you are willing to do the same, consider this. You are a woman, he is a man. While many of us, myself included, agree that a woman can do most things a man can do, the simple fact is that he is very likely bigger and stronger than you, and that more men prey on women than women pray on men. If he doesn't care enough about you as a stranger to be sure you are comfortable meeting him, you sure as hell don't want to get in bed with him... and that would make the whole meeting pointless anyway, wouldn't it? Just my thoughts, for what they are worth.

 

[WildRose40DDD]

Cell Phone

Cell phone numbers are very difficult to trace. Home phone numbers on the other hand are amazingly simple. I would feel better about sharing a cell than a home number.
From your home number anyone can find your address, so it can potentially mean more than phone harassment if it goes bad.

 

[Krinaia]

As far as him not wanting to give you pertinent info on himself unless you are willing to do the same, consider this. You are a woman, he is a man. While many of us, myself included, agree that a woman can do most things a man can do, the simple fact is that he is very likely bigger and stronger than you, and that more men prey on women than women pray on men. If he doesn't care enough about you as a stranger to be sure you are comfortable meeting him, you sure as hell don't want to get in bed with him... and that would make the whole meeting pointless anyway, wouldn't it? Just my thoughts, for what they are worth.

Really I just needed someone to say that to confirm what I was thinking to myself.

This guy, the more I talk to him - seems very dominant. I'm not really wary of it so much as a little suprised. Just that he has more experience than anyone I've been with. So I'm proceeding with caution - it's not that I have any reason to distrust him - I'm just being cautious. He has in fact been incredibly open and up front. But I'll definitely keep you guys posted.

But based on what you guys say - giving out a cell phone number shouldn't get me in as much trouble as giving out a home phone. I wouldn't do that anyhow - I don't have a permanent home. But I once gave out my campus number - and that nearly got me into trouble when I found out the guy traced it. But he was scary, I just gave him my number too soon you know? Luckily because I live on campus, the number was untracable past the fact that it belonged to the campus directory.

But colleges are scary in the amount of personal information they are willing to give over the phone. With my soc, I can get my finacial state in an instant, I can get my contact information. Hell - if you can spell my first name correctly, you can find all students with that first name on campus - and our home phone. It's the reason I usually use my nick - a nick that is misleading as to what my real name is

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

A Dom worth his salt shouldn't shy away from giving out personal information to someone he were possibly going to meet. He wouldn't blink an eye at a safe call. Etc. Etc. Etc.

This is standard safety stuff.

If he did....RED FLAG. See ya. Bye.

 

[SweetDommes]

A Dom worth his salt shouldn't shy away from giving out personal information to someone he were possibly going to meet. He wouldn't blink an eye at a safe call. Etc. Etc. Etc.

This is standard safety stuff.

If he did....RED FLAG. See ya. Bye.

Just a thought, but does this hold for Dommes as well?
We have a cell phone and a home phone, we do give out the cell phone number, but rarely if ever the home number ... we always arrange to meet at a neutral, public place & all that ... but we do NOT give out anywhere near all of our personal information to a boy that we are going to meet.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I would think not.

I know it's a double standard, but Dommes are a whole entity unto themselves, at least that's what I've gotten from my conversations with Eb.

WHOLE different ball of wax.

~anelize

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Wish she was around to weigh in.

I miss her.

~anelize

 

[SweetDommes]

Wish she was around to weigh in.

I miss her.

~anelize

I agree, she was one of our first role models (different view & all ...).

My post was just to make sure that you don't think less of us for withholding personal info from potential boys ... we have reasons for it - namely, one of the potentials we talked to and invited over started some stalker-type behaviors shortly before the intended invite ... we didn't go meet him, and thank god he didn't have any way to find us ...

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

My post was just to make sure that you don't think less of us for withholding personal info from potential boys

Not at all...

I really didn't think to make the difference clear in my initial post.

That's ME being the typical femsub blind to the fact that anyone other than people like me and maleDoms post here. And I've commented on this very thing in other threads recently. I should be SMACKED. LOL.

My apologies.

~anelize

 

[SweetDommes]

That's ME being the typical femsub blind to the fact that anyone other than people like me and maleDoms post here. And I've commented on this very thing in other threads recently. I should be SMACKED. LOL.

LOL, yeah, we've noticed that we are sorely outnumbered around here ...

and not smacked ... there are other things that can be done, I happen to make some lovely floggers that work quite well on mischievious subbies

 

[Krinaia]

<snip> I should be SMACKED. LOL. <snip>


~anelize

I know of a particular dom that would probably be happy to help though I would suggest a few brisk smacks on the bottom and not the cheek. Reminds me of one day at work back in high school, I turned to my fellow supervisor, weary and shell shocked from my first ever thanksgiving day work day - I said, "I feel dead, someone smack me" - and she did! I was so shocked. Not hard of course, not even enough to sting or hurt in the slightest - just a playful pat but there was wrist action that was not quite playful. I just stood there looking at her "I can't believe you just did that" and she got this shocked look on her face and we both started laughing. It was a weird weird moment.


I really need to refresh myself on all the safety rules. This guy hasn't yet had a problem giving me personal information.


I would have a safecall regardless of whether the guy I was going out with or meeting was in this lifestyle or not. You get nuts in all walks of life. What is that statistic - like half of all rapes are done by someone you know?

<speaking of which, I just now got a weird im from some guy here at Lit. - sigh - I seem to be attracting a lot of that lately >

 

[SweetDommes]

I would have a safecall regardless of whether the guy I was going out with or meeting was in this lifestyle or not. You get nuts in all walks of life. What is that statistic - like half of all rapes are done by someone you know?

<speaking of which, I just now got a weird im from some guy here at Lit. - sigh - I seem to be attracting a lot of that lately >

No kidding ... no matter what the conservatives want to say about BDSM, not all freaks & psychos are in this lifestyle.

And don't feel lonely with that - we get those all the time, so we feel for you *hugs for consolation*

 

[Krinaia]

lol .... yah.

there are definitely some real whack jobs out there. I for some reason used to be the tell all for my co-workers when i was in high school. These women ranged from age 16 to 53. I won't say where i worked but let's just say the clientele wasn't classy and neither were most of the employees. the problems these girls would have... oh man oh man!!!

I was never sure why they asked me for help. I was this dateless 17/18 yr. old. I guess it was because I'd tell them what they needed to hear ... things like, "leave the bastard he doesn't deserve you .. hell he barely deserves the oxygen he's breathing."

It is interesting the difference when it comes to Dommes. I'm not really friends with any and the first real ones I've come across have been here at Lit. I think it's interesting - I like to be in control sometimes and I like knowing people respect me and will follow my lead - but the thought of a man supplicating himself to me - it's a REAL turn-off. But being a Domme does't necessarily mean being an Amazon you know? So how do you gals protect yourselves?

 

[SweetDommes]

lol .... yah.

there are definitely some real whack jobs out there. I for some reason used to be the tell all for my co-workers when i was in high school. These women ranged from age 16 to 53. I won't say where i worked but let's just say the clientele wasn't classy and neither were most of the employees. the problems these girls would have... oh man oh man!!!

I was never sure why they asked me for help. I was this dateless 17/18 yr. old. I guess it was because I'd tell them what they needed to hear ... things like, "leave the bastard he doesn't deserve you .. hell he barely deserves the oxygen he's breathing."

It is interesting the difference when it comes to Dommes. I'm not really friends with any and the first real ones I've come across have been here at Lit. I think it's interesting - I like to be in control sometimes and I like knowing people respect me and will follow my lead - but the thought of a man supplicating himself to me - it's a REAL turn-off. But being a Domme does't necessarily mean being an Amazon you know? So how do you gals protect yourselves?

You know, I never had a true date until after Holly and I started meeting with potential boys ... and I was the dating advisor for all of my friends ... it's amazing how they seek out the people with the least experience to get advice from, huh? lol

We are definately not Amazons ... but we aren't waifs either ... Basically, we make the boys come to us, we don't go to them, we meet on relatively neutral ground in public, we make sure that we have their cell & they have ours (but no home phone numbers with one exception), and we always go together - that's one of the many plusses of having a Co-Dominant - when we go out, we go out together. It prevents a lot of potential problems. On the rare occation that one of us has gone out to meet a boy alone, the other knew when & where the meeting was (I had to work, so Holly went to get him on her own & then they came & picked me up at work). If she hadn't been there to get me when I got off work, I would have called the police instantly, and the boy knew that.

 

[Krinaia]

It is strange. You'd think they'd ask someone with tons of experience - but the people who've dated around a lot are sometimes given bad reps by other girls. Like my current roommate. She dates very casually and dates a lot of different men. I find it completley amusing and would ask her advice any day. But it makes some girls look at her in a catty way. Whereas I'm safe. I'm just this quiet, smart dateless girl who watches everyone else. So I obviously have that experience I think. I think it's also that while I've got a lovely face, I'm not a wet dream you know? Whereas my roommate is. I'm on some sort of beauty level that most girls can relate to. I'm not sure that makes perfect sense - but neither does their asking me for advice.


One thing that makes me not worried about meething this guy is that I'll be staying with my parents - they still ask where I'm going and who with. And if they aren't there, I leave such details on the kitchen notepad - or my mom worries and can't sleep. Hell, I've gotten phone calls from her to check up on me. One night I was late home and she was pacing the drive way - ready to call the cops. I got a big lecture on why does she pay my cell bill if I don't answer it. I'd turned it off in the theatre and forgot to turn it back off. Moms. Sigh. The minute I'm late - if she can't get me on my cell - she'll probably have the police combing the town. I'll probably be the same way - if not worse

 

[SweetDommes]

It is strange. You'd think they'd ask someone with tons of experience - but the people who've dated around a lot are sometimes given bad reps by other girls. Like my current roommate. She dates very casually and dates a lot of different men. I find it completley amusing and would ask her advice any day. But it makes some girls look at her in a catty way. Whereas I'm safe. I'm just this quiet, smart dateless girl who watches everyone else. So I obviously have that experience I think. I think it's also that while I've got a lovely face, I'm not a wet dream you know? Whereas my roommate is. I'm on some sort of beauty level that most girls can relate to. I'm not sure that makes perfect sense - but neither does their asking me for advice.


One thing that makes me not worried about meething this guy is that I'll be staying with my parents - they still ask where I'm going and who with. And if they aren't there, I leave such details on the kitchen notepad - or my mom worries and can't sleep. Hell, I've gotten phone calls from her to check up on me. One night I was late home and she was pacing the drive way - ready to call the cops. I got a big lecture on why does she pay my cell bill if I don't answer it. I'd turned it off in the theatre and forgot to turn it back off. Moms. Sigh. The minute I'm late - if she can't get me on my cell - she'll probably have the police combing the town. I'll probably be the same way - if not worse

LOL, yeah, that's me too ... but back to the topic we were discussing (I love highjacking threads *giggles maniacly*)

I would hope that you will be the same, I sure as hell will be. It may be annoying for the kid, but in the long run, it's much much safer that way.

 

[Krinaia]

I figure I started the thread, I have some right to hijack it


Sometimes I watch out for myself just because I know it would kill my parents if something happened to me. You should have seen how worried they looked after my first drive home from school. I called and told them when I was leaving - should have been home in four hours. Five and a half hours later, I drag myself in the door, sopping wet and my parents were sitting there looking ANXIOUS. I'd blown a tire and not knowing how to change it and not having a cell at that point, I'd dragged out my manual and figured out how to change my tire - just as I was finishing, a trucker stopped and helped me get the lugnuts back on - he was lost - so I gave him my map. Worked out perfectly but things could have gone so wrong. I got a cell that same weekend.


Now, it suprised me how many women don't know simple ways to look after themselves. My dad is still kicking himself that he didn't teach me how to change a flat. I've since taught two of my friends. And changed the tire of a pregnant woman's truck at a rest stop. My dad was there, he let me crawl on the ground in the cold.... MEN.... hehe.

 

[SweetDommes]

I figure I started the thread, I have some right to hijack it


Sometimes I watch out for myself just because I know it would kill my parents if something happened to me. You should have seen how worried they looked after my first drive home from school. I called and told them when I was leaving - should have been home in four hours. Five and a half hours later, I drag myself in the door, sopping wet and my parents were sitting there looking ANXIOUS. I'd blown a tire and not knowing how to change it and not having a cell at that point, I'd dragged out my manual and figured out how to change my tire - just as I was finishing, a trucker stopped and helped me get the lugnuts back on - he was lost - so I gave him my map. Worked out perfectly but things could have gone so wrong. I got a cell that same weekend.


Now, it suprised me how many women don't know simple ways to look after themselves. My dad is still kicking himself that he didn't teach me how to change a flat. I've since taught two of my friends. And changed the tire of a pregnant woman's truck at a rest stop. My dad was there, he let me crawl on the ground in the cold.... MEN.... hehe.

*giggles* yeah, it's fun, isn't is? *grin*

My parents made sure that I knew how to change a tire & check/add oil, the basics ... what they forgot was to make sure that the stupid place that they took to get the tires rotated for me didn't put the locking hubcaps on too tightly - the stupid thing wouldn't come off, so I had to call for a towtruck (fortunately, I noticed it before we left the apartment complex parking lot).

However, knowing how doesn't mean that I like to do it ... that's what the boys are/will be for