Safe words - Need some advice on how to choose.

[Amora]

HI all

I am very new to BDSM although hubby and I do not get into the humiliation side of things he is discovering a rather dominant streak that I love, being naturally submissive (something I only recently was able to pinpoint about myself)

We have played out a couple of scenes but are reaching the point where we feel a need for safe words to be known between us. Certainly after a moment last night where he was unsure and felt a little awkward because he didn't know whether to stop or continue which broke the mood a little.

So, all you fellow submissives out there, how did you choose your safe words? We're thinking that we need one that means: Give me a moment, and one that means: Stop now.

What would you choose? obviously it needs to be something that we can both rememebr but nothing too mainstream, don't want to find myself blushing in public (or do I ) because someone has just uttered one of our safe words.

Thanks in advance

Amora

 

[RJMasters]

HI all

I am very new to BDSM although hubby and I do not get into the humiliation side of things he is discovering a rather dominant streak that I love, being naturally submissive (something I only recently was able to pinpoint about myself)

We have played out a couple of scenes but are reaching the point where we feel a need for safe words to be known between us. Certainly after a moment last night where he was unsure and felt a little awkward because he didn't know whether to stop or continue which broke the mood a little.

So, all you fellow submissives out there, how did you choose your safe words? We're thinking that we need one that means: Give me a moment, and one that means: Stop now.

What would you choose? obviously it needs to be something that we can both rememebr but nothing too mainstream, don't want to find myself blushing in public (or do I ) because someone has just uttered one of our safe words.

Thanks in advance

Amora

While you wait for input form others, you may find these discussions that are listed in the library informative.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?threadid=304014

Best wishes

 

[liberatedslave]

Sir & I use traffic light colours as it's less ambiguous. Green means i'm totally fine. Amber means i'm either approaching the end of my tolerance to something or i need to stop for a second while something is adjusted. Red literally means stop everything immediately & release me. I rarely use it so Sir never hesitates to do just that. Also for when my mouth is otherwise engaged i have the Ok handsign & flipping a V. Have even managed to get it wrong, 'Stop! No! ... Stop! Ah! ... Please stop! ... ... RED!'

 

[the captians wench]

Sir & I use traffic light colours as it's less ambiguous. Green means i'm totally fine. Amber means i'm either approaching the end of my tolerance to something or i need to stop for a second while something is adjusted. Red literally means stop everything immediately & release me. I rarely use it so Sir never hesitates to do just that. Also for when my mouth is otherwise engaged i have the Ok handsign & flipping a V. Have even managed to get it wrong, 'Stop! No! ... Stop! Ah! ... Please stop! ... ... RED!'

I use traffic color with all my play partners as well. It's easy to remember in that moment where I'm kinda spacy because it's something that's so natural every day and something we learn as children. (course, I use yellow insted of amber *giggles*)

I've kinda thrown a few people off before because they'll ask me how I'm doing or how I feel and I'll say green.

 

[Shankara20]

Sir & I use traffic light colours as it's less ambiguous. Green means i'm totally fine. Amber means i'm either approaching the end of my tolerance to something or i need to stop for a second while something is adjusted. Red literally means stop everything immediately & release me. I rarely use it so Sir never hesitates to do just that. Also for when my mouth is otherwise engaged i have the Ok handsign & flipping a V. Have even managed to get it wrong, 'Stop! No! ... Stop! Ah! ... Please stop! ... ... RED!'

I use the "yellow - red" as well, and want to mention that once "red" is used the scene is over for that day then aftercare and communication become the priority. That also tends to assure that calling the safeword is about safety and not control.

Always play safe


.

 

[trisquel_astur]

I agree. Traffic colors are OK in most of situations.

But think in something different for special situations, i.e: you are tied up and gagged.

Well, in this moments, you can have music and...

You can keep the remote control and use the level of sound as AMBER and switch it off as RED

And always be safe. It's more funny!

 

[myinnerslut]

my safeword is actually "safeword". this is for a few reasons. one, its easy to remeber. two, its unmistakable for what it really means. and three, i dont have to think to remeber what it is.

 

[Stegral]

alot of the people in my "group" of play friends (I "Bottom", not sub.) use the trafic light colours as well.
it works very well so far & I have had to use it only once,
when trying something new & didn't realize how fast I could go from yellow to RED,RED,RED !!!!
As for when one is gagged, I have heard different things...
1) 2 tennis balls (or similar) one in each hand... drop one, yellow, drop both, red.
2) keys used in the similar fashion.
3) yellow & red Scarves/Hankies, either waved(hands free)/pulled(bound).


I paniced during a first time rope bondage (tried for 5 minutes, hands in front, wrists tied, lasted about 2 minutes I think...) & as the owner of the ropes was feverishly trying to untie them against my panic someone WAS coming over with cutters, just in case.
It may seem petty to some but I panic quickly when restrained, so this was a starter/trial run, so to speak.
The next time I lasted a bit longer & he adjusted the ropes a bit looser so I could get out quicker if the need arose. I lasted almost 30 minutes before the fear crept in but I got untied before the panic hit me I think knowing it wasn't a game & that they WOULD untie me ASAP helped me the 2nd time around to last a bit longer.
Next time he wants to TRY wrists behind the back but is willing to stay in MY comfort zone.
I learned that first night just how quickly the group is tuned to everyone & how RED as the universal safeword with us works VERY well.
It removes the confusion as well. I only play at play parties so far so just incase the top gets into that headspace & dosen't hear me (I am paraniod, but hear with underexperienced one's it is possible) there are others around. I am still new to the lifestyle/scene so safety is VERY high on my list & I am very choosy about whom I play with.


Hope this helps
Have fun Just remember, it's only kinky the first time

 

[blklthrjkt]

When I play with a bottom or sub, I tell them that as long as the scene is working for them, call me Sir. If they need to communicate anything else, for me to stop, to lessen my intensity or take a break, call me by my real name. That way we can converse and then continue if that will work or other wise slow down or stop. It's easier for them to remember than a safe word, although at most parties there is a house safe word, RED.

I used to use traffic colors, but I have never heard anyone use GREEN unless they were being a smartass and wanted me to get really feisty with them.

 

[the captians wench]

When I play with a bottom or sub, I tell them that as long as the scene is working for them, call me Sir. If they need to communicate anything else, for me to stop, to lessen my intensity or take a break, call me by my real name. That way we can converse and then continue if that will work or other wise slow down or stop. It's easier for them to remember than a safe word, although at most parties there is a house safe word, RED.

I used to use traffic colors, but I have never heard anyone use GREEN unless they were being a smartass and wanted me to get really feisty with them.

This may have just been because I was very new and my partners were surprized by the amount of physicall abuse I was taking. So they would stop periodically and ask me "how do you feel?". Well it only made sence in my mind to use green, if yellow ment slow down and red ment stop and i was not ready to do either.

Jounar is one that will stop and ask me how I feel in the middle of our playing, and so is one of my friends who sessions me the most. They've accepted this answer, although it did surprize them at first. But logic in that frame of mind is often very basic and instinctual.

Besides, it's not like I would randomly shout green. *giggles*

 

[SweetErika]

We use "yellow" to mean "stop and check in with me" and "red" and "safeword" to mean "the scene stops NOW." The "safeword" one is just as important because it's what's used at our playspace and it's a backup if we can't remember "red."

Just as important are tone of voice and nonverbal cues though. When he starts giggling uncontrollably, shivering a lot, crying or acting unusual, I know it's time to slow down or stop for a second and check in, or sometimes I stop it. If he were to use certain tones or say "NO/STOP/ENOUGH," I'd absolutely take it as a yellow and check in.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

All a "safeword" is, and ever will be, is a communication tool. It's a handy shortcut to say "Something is not quite right here" or "Stop the scene, somethings REALLY wrong!"

While I recognize and allow my play partners to use safewords, I much prefer just communicating with me.... "Hit me harder", "I have a cramp in my calf", "I'm feeling faint", "work on my back a bit please instead of my ass", or (one of my all time favorites)... "I HAVE A HUGE ASS, QUIT HITTING THAT ONE SPOT YOU BASTARD! You've hit me 45 times! 43 of them right THERE!" *LMAO*

Why add an extra layer of communication (and potential delay)?

pyl - "Yellow!"
PYL - "What's up?"
pyl - "My left hand is tingling" or "I've got a cramp" or "It's getting to be a bit much, can you back it down a notch or two, or hit someplace else"

I figure keep it simple.

And I agree, if gagged, the bottom definitely needs a "safe signal" of some kind. Balls, keys or bells in the bottom's hand can work well. But just remember, a safeword or safe signal, is only as good as the integrity of the person you are playing with. Once you are bound, you are at THEIR mercy and discretion. If they are not a person of integrity and character, they may not honor your safe word or signal at all... You're on the ride until they stop it and let you off.

 

[Chicklet]

My personal preference for 'safewords' is the word they mean... I want to know that if I say STOP! my partner will stop. I don't want to give up the power of my words for words i might not be able to think of seriously.

my personal thoughts are 'let yes mean yes and no mean no.' but i know that doesn't work for everyone.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

My personal preference for 'safewords' is the word they mean... I want to know that if I say STOP! my partner will stop. I don't want to give up the power of my words for words i might not be able to think of seriously.

my personal thoughts are 'let yes mean yes and no mean no.' but i know that doesn't work for everyone.

Absolutely Chicklet. But having an alternate way to communicate "Houston, we have a problem here" is something most of us should consider and use when appropriate. Especially if you are doing a bit of "non-consentual" consentual play like a negotiated mock rape scene or a bit of interrogation play. There are scenes where "no, no, NO!" means "yes, yes, YES!"

 

[BiBunny]

Absolutely Chicklet. But having an alternate way to communicate "Houston, we have a problem here" is something most of us should consider and use when appropriate. Especially if you are doing a bit of "non-consentual" consentual play like a negotiated mock rape scene or a bit of interrogation play. There are scenes where "no, no, NO!" means "yes, yes, YES!"

Good point, EG. I'm one of those people who'll scream "no, no, NO!" even when I don't mean it sometimes. When I ask B. how he can tell the difference, he always says something like, "There's a big difference between 'No, that hurts, stop,' and 'No, that hurts, STOP GODDAMMIT!!!!!'" He's right.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

HI all

I am very new to BDSM although hubby and I do not get into the humiliation side of things he is discovering a rather dominant streak that I love, being naturally submissive (something I only recently was able to pinpoint about myself)

We have played out a couple of scenes but are reaching the point where we feel a need for safe words to be known between us. Certainly after a moment last night where he was unsure and felt a little awkward because he didn't know whether to stop or continue which broke the mood a little.

So, all you fellow submissives out there, how did you choose your safe words? We're thinking that we need one that means: Give me a moment, and one that means: Stop now.

What would you choose? obviously it needs to be something that we can both rememebr but nothing too mainstream, don't want to find myself blushing in public (or do I ) because someone has just uttered one of our safe words.

Thanks in advance

Amora

the most common safe words are ...yellow (meaning give me a minute/slow down/ etc..) and then RED..(meaning STOP NOW!) my safe word however is a bit more umm..odd? lol..Metallica is my safe word, because let's face it, who is gonna holler out METALLICA!! during sex/a scene?? you want it to be something that wouldn't usually be heard during a scene, something that He will KNOW means STOP...and by the way, i'll share something i learned in the last couple of days, OUCH!! SHIT THAT HURTS! NO!!!!, yea..NONE of those are safe words..and if He is a Sadist it will only make Him hit you harder!

 

[lil_slave_rose]

My personal preference for 'safewords' is the word they mean... I want to know that if I say STOP! my partner will stop. I don't want to give up the power of my words for words i might not be able to think of seriously.

my personal thoughts are 'let yes mean yes and no mean no.' but i know that doesn't work for everyone.

that didn't work for me...LOL...the other night we were in a scene and He was hitting me pretty hard with a flogger, harder than He has before, and i was saying nooooo....yea..well that just fed His fire even more....i didn't safeword out..but i've been close a couple of times...

 

[caela]

Interesting thread. I think EG has a point about just communicating but at the same time I know that for myself, personally, I sometimes get into a headspace where the Top ( like Stegral I'm rather new and play mostly at parties with friends and others around ) isn't going to get anything but the most basic of responses. My hand might be falling asleep but I'm not going to be able to articulate that or even notice it sometimes so having something simple and easy to think of (not to mention short and easy to say!) is important for me. Like many have mentioned it's typically colors but in a pinch I could always holler "safeword" if my brain just couldn't think of anything else.

When I don't go that deep though then I simply communicate with the Top letting him know if I'm getting a cramp somewhere or my hands are falling asleep. I do find though that I don't tell them if they're hitting one spot more than I'd like...they're sadists damnit and tend to then find it amusing to watch me jump when they hit it again.

 

[thecornflake]

One thing I read recently which was a good idea if gagged was clicking the fingers. Maybe one could mean 'yellow' and both could mean 'red'. This can be done when cuffed and also removes the sub having to hold onto a ball or bell, and not dropping it by accident.

When able to speak (a rare privelege for her ) then the traffic light colours are simple and easy to remember.

 

[the captians wench]

Interesting thread. I think EG has a point about just communicating but at the same time I know that for myself, personally, I sometimes get into a headspace where the Top ( like Stegral I'm rather new and play mostly at parties with friends and others around ) isn't going to get anything but the most basic of responses. My hand might be falling asleep but I'm not going to be able to articulate that or even notice it sometimes so having something simple and easy to think of (not to mention short and easy to say!) is important for me. Like many have mentioned it's typically colors but in a pinch I could always holler "safeword" if my brain just couldn't think of anything else.

When I don't go that deep though then I simply communicate with the Top letting him know if I'm getting a cramp somewhere or my hands are falling asleep. I do find though that I don't tell them if they're hitting one spot more than I'd like...they're sadists damnit and tend to then find it amusing to watch me jump when they hit it again.

I tend to do the same thing. I'll talk until I hit that point where I'm on cloud nine and everything feels good. Then you pretty much just get whimpers, purrs, moans, and occationally growls out of me. Tho I have learned I am able to think enough to answer questions. And if I don't answer quick enough (sometimes I think I've said something when I haven't) then a tug on my hair brings realitly in a bit more and I can answer.

Tho I've never had to use them, I'm glad that I have something that I can say that will say "hold on wait something isn't right here" with out having to say that. Knowing me it would come out "purr growl moan snap growl" which could mean anything. *giggles*

And yes, I learned the hard way not to tell a sadist "Mother fucking bastard! why do you have to hit the same fucking spot every fucking time you swing! That fucking hurts!". The answer I got was "it's ment to" and a chuckle and then he worked that same fucking spot some more.

 

[myinnerslut]

And yes, I learned the hard way not to tell a sadist "Mother fucking bastard! why do you have to hit the same fucking spot every fucking time you swing! That fucking hurts!". The answer I got was "it's ment to" and a chuckle and then he worked that same fucking spot some more.

yep. Sir said that to me once after i complained about the excessive attention to a particular part of my ass.

 

[FurryFury]

I would like to use a word I love but rarely have any reason to say. It should be a word that is easy for the person Topping or Dom-ing to understand as well when uttered in a difficult moment. It might be moaned, screamed or shuttered out so that would be something I'd take into account if I were picking such a word.

Fury

 

[subtleone]

Traffic lights here too,although tbh usually don't bother with amber and as EG says just get to the point ie "I have lost all feeling in my hands." I guess the only time I use it is when being struck in some way; to mean, not so hard or slow down. Red however means "Stop!" If I say red then everything stops without hesitation or question or punishment.

 

[SirQuinn]

While in scene, I've instructed the subs I've played with to use their own first name to have the scene halt temporarily (to re-adjust bindings, ask a questions/favor, etc).
But in a case where a scene must stop NOW, I've instructed the sub to use MY first name.

In any case, it's the Top/Dom's responsibility to observe and listen to their bottom/sub and to know when limits are being pushed too far.

 

[BeachGurl2]

I lean more toward Sir Geoff's side of things. Yes, I use the yellow and red, but I'm also one who communicates unless told not to. Frankly, when I'm in the middle of things, I can't remember my own name so trying to remember what word to say often doesn't work for me - that's why I prefer to stick to traffic light colors. And if I say that my foot is falling asleep, somebody better damn sure loosen the bindings, whether I've said yellow or not. And when I get to the point where every other word is 'motherfuckerthatfuckinghurts', it might be getting close to time to back off a bit and evaluate.

Bottom line? Do what works best for you. Choose words you can remember and assign them meaning that works for you. Just my 2 cents.