Sadness, suicide, and the prospect of sex with my (f) parents

[dangling_girl]

TW: attempted suicide

______


I'm a 20 year old girl who's lived with major, debilitating depression for nearly half of my life now. It's something I've struggled with in one way or another since middle school. Throughout it all, my mom and dad have been my rock...kind, loving, endlessly supportive despite how hopeless and frustrating life with me as a daughter must have felt sometimes.

Late last year, things nosedived for me while I was away at college, and I tried to do something I had promised my mom and dad that I would never, ever do: I tried to take my own life.

There was no one single trigger. My mind just went to a place where I felt completely lost, and I needed to get out, by any means possible. My roommate was gone for the weekend and I put my plan into action...a note for my parents, a meticulously studied noose, and an end to the bottomless depths of my miserable mind.

Except somehow, some way, my mom and dad knew. I don't believe in intuition or anything like that, but when I had been on the phone with them the night before I planned to leave this world, something hit them wrong. And so the next morning, they started the five hour drive to my college. I had turned my phone off at that point and was getting ready to "leave."

I have no memory of any of this of course, but apparently my parents forced their way into my room, found me hanging, unconscious, my face purple, but somehow clinging to life. I ended up in intensive care. There's still a dark, visible ring around my neck, all these months later.

I moved back home. I don't know if I'll ever go back to college. But now, I have a much bigger and much harder choice facing me.

Seeing me dangling there, almost gone, triggered something deep in my mom and dad, or so they tell me. It had been there for a long time, and they'd discussed it openly as a couple, but never with me. They cherished me too much to ever tell me until they were confronted with the prospect of losing me.

My mom and dad want to know me as intimately as they possibly can. They want us to know each other as mom and dad and daughter, completely. And that means...everything you think it means, and probably more.

My mom was the one to tell me, and now there have been follow-up conversations with all three of us, as mom and dad and daughter. They've been...hard. My parents have been brutally honest. Some of what they've told me has broken my heart. But I understand why they need me to know. Now I have to decide what to do.

I love them. They brought me into this world, and they kept me here when I was kicking (literally) and screaming in an effort to leave. They created my life, and then they preserved it for me.

This is the hardest choice I've ever had to make in my entire life and I'm insanely grateful to have found a forum like this one to help me make it. I'm posting here because I know that any other advice forum would tell me to run away. I love my parents too much to do that. I've promised them I'd give real, honest consideration to this, as hard as it is for me. So that's why I'm here. Thank you for caring.

If anyone has questions about my history, my situation, my family etc. that would help clarify things or inform your advice, don't hesitate to ask, I promise to answer.

 

[Utmale48]

TW: attempted suicide

______


I'm a 20 year old girl who's lived with major, debilitating depression for nearly half of my life now. It's something I've struggled with in one way or another since middle school. Throughout it all, my mom and dad have been my rock...kind, loving, endlessly supportive despite how hopeless and frustrating life with me as a daughter must have felt sometimes.

Late last year, things nosedived for me while I was away at college, and I tried to do something I had promised my mom and dad that I would never, ever do: I tried to take my own life.

There was no one single trigger. My mind just went to a place where I felt completely lost, and I needed to get out, by any means possible. My roommate was gone for the weekend and I put my plan into action...a note for my parents, a meticulously studied noose, and an end to the bottomless depths of my miserable mind.

Except somehow, some way, my mom and dad knew. I don't believe in intuition or anything like that, but when I had been on the phone with them the night before I planned to leave this world, something hit them wrong. And so the next morning, they started the five hour drive to my college. I had turned my phone off at that point and was getting ready to "leave."

I have no memory of any of this of course, but apparently my parents forced their way into my room, found me hanging, unconscious, my face purple, but somehow clinging to life. I ended up in intensive care. There's still a dark, visible ring around my neck, all these months later.

I moved back home. I don't know if I'll ever go back to college. But now, I have a much bigger and much harder choice facing me.

Seeing me dangling there, almost gone, triggered something deep in my mom and dad, or so they tell me. It had been there for a long time, and they'd discussed it openly as a couple, but never with me. They cherished me too much to ever tell me until they were confronted with the prospect of losing me.

My mom and dad want to know me as intimately as they possibly can. They want us to know each other as mom and dad and daughter, completely. And that means...everything you think it means, and probably more.

My mom was the one to tell me, and now there have been follow-up conversations with all three of us, as mom and dad and daughter. They've been...hard. My parents have been brutally honest. Some of what they've told me has broken my heart. But I understand why they need me to know. Now I have to decide what to do.

I love them. They brought me into this world, and they kept me here when I was kicking (literally) and screaming in an effort to leave. They created my life, and then they preserved it for me.

This is the hardest choice I've ever had to make in my entire life and I'm insanely grateful to have found a forum like this one to help me make it. I'm posting here because I know that any other advice forum would tell me to run away. I love my parents too much to do that. I've promised them I'd give real, honest consideration to this, as hard as it is for me. So that's why I'm here. Thank you for caring.

If anyone has questions about my history, my situation, my family etc. that would help clarify things or inform your advice, don't hesitate to ask, I promise to answer.

First and foremost I am so sorry that you’re dealing with that kind of depression. I can’t even imagine what that must be like. Have you ever thought of either of your parents in a more intimate way?

 

[dangling_girl]

First and foremost I am so sorry that you’re dealing with that kind of depression. I can’t even imagine what that must be like. Have you ever thought of either of your parents in a more intimate way?

Thank you for being kind. And no, never.

 

[Utmale48]

Thank you for being kind. And no, never.

Has that changed at all?

 

[Utmale48]

Also if you would rather speak in DM feel free to chat there.

 

[MindYaBitness]

TW: attempted suicide

______


I'm a 20 year old girl who's lived with major, debilitating depression for nearly half of my life now. It's something I've struggled with in one way or another since middle school. Throughout it all, my mom and dad have been my rock...kind, loving, endlessly supportive despite how hopeless and frustrating life with me as a daughter must have felt sometimes.

Late last year, things nosedived for me while I was away at college, and I tried to do something I had promised my mom and dad that I would never, ever do: I tried to take my own life.

There was no one single trigger. My mind just went to a place where I felt completely lost, and I needed to get out, by any means possible. My roommate was gone for the weekend and I put my plan into action...a note for my parents, a meticulously studied noose, and an end to the bottomless depths of my miserable mind.

Except somehow, some way, my mom and dad knew. I don't believe in intuition or anything like that, but when I had been on the phone with them the night before I planned to leave this world, something hit them wrong. And so the next morning, they started the five hour drive to my college. I had turned my phone off at that point and was getting ready to "leave."

I have no memory of any of this of course, but apparently my parents forced their way into my room, found me hanging, unconscious, my face purple, but somehow clinging to life. I ended up in intensive care. There's still a dark, visible ring around my neck, all these months later.

I moved back home. I don't know if I'll ever go back to college. But now, I have a much bigger and much harder choice facing me.

Seeing me dangling there, almost gone, triggered something deep in my mom and dad, or so they tell me. It had been there for a long time, and they'd discussed it openly as a couple, but never with me. They cherished me too much to ever tell me until they were confronted with the prospect of losing me.

My mom and dad want to know me as intimately as they possibly can. They want us to know each other as mom and dad and daughter, completely. And that means...everything you think it means, and probably more.

My mom was the one to tell me, and now there have been follow-up conversations with all three of us, as mom and dad and daughter. They've been...hard. My parents have been brutally honest. Some of what they've told me has broken my heart. But I understand why they need me to know. Now I have to decide what to do.

I love them. They brought me into this world, and they kept me here when I was kicking (literally) and screaming in an effort to leave. They created my life, and then they preserved it for me.

This is the hardest choice I've ever had to make in my entire life and I'm insanely grateful to have found a forum like this one to help me make it. I'm posting here because I know that any other advice forum would tell me to run away. I love my parents too much to do that. I've promised them I'd give real, honest consideration to this, as hard as it is for me. So that's why I'm here. Thank you for caring.

If anyone has questions about my history, my situation, my family etc. that would help clarify things or inform your advice, don't hesitate to ask, I promise to answer.

This is not going to make your mental health any better. And, if they've been contemplating this for years, that is very unhealthy. To view one's own child as a potential sexual partner, no matter the justification, is beyond the pale. I would respectfully decline, and maintain that strong boundary.

 

[dodgeboy2]

TW: attempted suicide

______


I'm a 20 year old girl who's lived with major, debilitating depression for nearly half of my life now. It's something I've struggled with in one way or another since middle school. Throughout it all, my mom and dad have been my rock...kind, loving, endlessly supportive despite how hopeless and frustrating life with me as a daughter must have felt sometimes.

Late last year, things nosedived for me while I was away at college, and I tried to do something I had promised my mom and dad that I would never, ever do: I tried to take my own life.

There was no one single trigger. My mind just went to a place where I felt completely lost, and I needed to get out, by any means possible. My roommate was gone for the weekend and I put my plan into action...a note for my parents, a meticulously studied noose, and an end to the bottomless depths of my miserable mind.

Except somehow, some way, my mom and dad knew. I don't believe in intuition or anything like that, but when I had been on the phone with them the night before I planned to leave this world, something hit them wrong. And so the next morning, they started the five hour drive to my college. I had turned my phone off at that point and was getting ready to "leave."

I have no memory of any of this of course, but apparently my parents forced their way into my room, found me hanging, unconscious, my face purple, but somehow clinging to life. I ended up in intensive care. There's still a dark, visible ring around my neck, all these months later.

I moved back home. I don't know if I'll ever go back to college. But now, I have a much bigger and much harder choice facing me.

Seeing me dangling there, almost gone, triggered something deep in my mom and dad, or so they tell me. It had been there for a long time, and they'd discussed it openly as a couple, but never with me. They cherished me too much to ever tell me until they were confronted with the prospect of losing me.

My mom and dad want to know me as intimately as they possibly can. They want us to know each other as mom and dad and daughter, completely. And that means...everything you think it means, and probably more.

My mom was the one to tell me, and now there have been follow-up conversations with all three of us, as mom and dad and daughter. They've been...hard. My parents have been brutally honest. Some of what they've told me has broken my heart. But I understand why they need me to know. Now I have to decide what to do.

I love them. They brought me into this world, and they kept me here when I was kicking (literally) and screaming in an effort to leave. They created my life, and then they preserved it for me.

This is the hardest choice I've ever had to make in my entire life and I'm insanely grateful to have found a forum like this one to help me make it. I'm posting here because I know that any other advice forum would tell me to run away. I love my parents too much to do that. I've promised them I'd give real, honest consideration to this, as hard as it is for me. So that's why I'm here. Thank you for caring.

If anyone has questions about my history, my situation, my family etc. that would help clarify things or inform your advice, don't hesitate to ask, I promise to answer.

I think it is something you shouldn't be asking anyone here for advice, but I'll ask you questions for you to answer for yourself. As you explained your state of depression the only thing I will say about this is I think it is very selfish of your parents to unload this on you! So hopefully my your answers to my question might help.

How does this make you feel inside deeply?

If you decided to move forward with it what would happen if someone you knew found out?

What would happen if one parent fell in love with you and wanted the other out of the picture, could you deal with that?

What if you somehow find someone you fall in love with, would they be able to handle what has happened, do you tell them or keep it secret continuing and incestuous lifestyle with your parents behind their back and again how would you feel about yourself if you do?

These are just a few and I am sure some more compassionate members may come up with more, but I will add one more thing, make sure you are absolutely sure about this if you move forward but please don't move forward unless you get your depression issue well under control starting with a good tyrapist, please!

 

[Crankbait88]

Wtf? Please get some counseling.

 

[geekyKT90]

If anyone has questions about my history, my situation, my family etc. that would help clarify things or inform your advice, don't hesitate to ask, I promise to answer.

I don't really think I can offer any advice, only you can decide where you go from here... but... whatever happens moving forward just know the world is a better place for having you in it.

 

[Britva415]

This is the hardest choice I've ever had to make in my entire life

Your post doesn’t show why that is.

Why would you ever do it?

Is there anything in it for you?

It really sounds like they took your s****** attempt and made it all about them.

 

[hiker283]

You need some very serious counseling, and not from your parents. I suspect your problems are related to having the kind of parents who would make such a suggestion. Incest will increase the problem, not cure it.

 

[ChuckWolf]

Please don't kill yourself and please don't hook up with your parents.

There are WAY more options available.

 

[dangling_girl]

Just to be clear, even with all the intensity I’m dealing with, I’m in a much better place than I was mentally and I’m in no physical danger at all. I’m just…stunned and pondering my decision.

 

[Britva415]

I’m just…stunned and pondering my decision.

Why is this even a decision at all?

What is it about this situation which doesn't just immediately get a hard "NO"?

 

[ChuckWolf]

Just to be clear, even with all the intensity I’m dealing with, I’m in a much better place than I was mentally and I’m in no physical danger at all. I’m just…stunned and pondering my decision.

Just throwing this out there, but since this is a story site, maybe write out what you're feeling going through (either true or fictionalized) and post them as stories?

Maybe it'll make you feel better and/or help someone else going through something similar?

 

[Niceguy2000]

My first wife killed herself...out of the blue at 26.
Don't even think about doing it, it leaves a huge wake of misery behind.

 

[snide22]

I've battled anxiety and depression for the better part of 30 years...46 now. Counseling and meds have helped A LOT. Might take a while to find the right combo of meds and the right counselor. I'll share what a dr told me at one of my worst moments: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

hmu if you'd like to chat.

 

[MasterDarcy]

As much as I find incest hot (I'm not sorry if that offends anyone), if you've never once contemplated it, then give it a hard pass.

It's a lot more common than you think.

Anyway.

With regards the suicide thing, watch "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend." Not only is it an amazing show that tackles mental health more tenderness and honesty, it's also an amazing show. Yes. I said "amazing show" twice.

Hope you're in a better place mentally now.

 

[Melody_Lightdraft2]

Although I have, and still do from time to time suffer with deep depression, I have never got so low as to contemplate suicide.
The first thing a Health Professional would ask me was.
"Have you ever had thoughts of self-harm, or ending you life?"
Your parents saved you, but that does not give them the right to your body. If I understand you correctly they are using your low mental state, and low self-esteem to suggest an incestual relationship?
"There lies madness, and destruction."
Seriously you need to distance yourself, and get professional help.

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

TW: attempted suicide

______


I'm a 20 year old girl who's lived with major, debilitating depression for nearly half of my life now. It's something I've struggled with in one way or another since middle school. Throughout it all, my mom and dad have been my rock...kind, loving, endlessly supportive despite how hopeless and frustrating life with me as a daughter must have felt sometimes.

Late last year, things nosedived for me while I was away at college, and I tried to do something I had promised my mom and dad that I would never, ever do: I tried to take my own life.

There was no one single trigger. My mind just went to a place where I felt completely lost, and I needed to get out, by any means possible. My roommate was gone for the weekend and I put my plan into action...a note for my parents, a meticulously studied noose, and an end to the bottomless depths of my miserable mind.

Except somehow, some way, my mom and dad knew. I don't believe in intuition or anything like that, but when I had been on the phone with them the night before I planned to leave this world, something hit them wrong. And so the next morning, they started the five hour drive to my college. I had turned my phone off at that point and was getting ready to "leave."

I have no memory of any of this of course, but apparently my parents forced their way into my room, found me hanging, unconscious, my face purple, but somehow clinging to life. I ended up in intensive care. There's still a dark, visible ring around my neck, all these months later.

I moved back home. I don't know if I'll ever go back to college. But now, I have a much bigger and much harder choice facing me.

Seeing me dangling there, almost gone, triggered something deep in my mom and dad, or so they tell me. It had been there for a long time, and they'd discussed it openly as a couple, but never with me. They cherished me too much to ever tell me until they were confronted with the prospect of losing me.

My mom and dad want to know me as intimately as they possibly can. They want us to know each other as mom and dad and daughter, completely. And that means...everything you think it means, and probably more.

My mom was the one to tell me, and now there have been follow-up conversations with all three of us, as mom and dad and daughter. They've been...hard. My parents have been brutally honest. Some of what they've told me has broken my heart. But I understand why they need me to know. Now I have to decide what to do.

I love them. They brought me into this world, and they kept me here when I was kicking (literally) and screaming in an effort to leave. They created my life, and then they preserved it for me.

This is the hardest choice I've ever had to make in my entire life and I'm insanely grateful to have found a forum like this one to help me make it. I'm posting here because I know that any other advice forum would tell me to run away. I love my parents too much to do that. I've promised them I'd give real, honest consideration to this, as hard as it is for me. So that's why I'm here. Thank you for caring.

If anyone has questions about my history, my situation, my family etc. that would help clarify things or inform your advice, don't hesitate to ask, I promise to answer.

Twisted parents. It’s no wonder you’re depressed. I’m sorry. Find yourself and get strong!

 

[GeppettoNoir]

I can't tell if this is real or fantasy--but I will assume it's real.

Therapy is expensive. I think the most insensitive and dismissive thing to say is "seek help."

I spend a lot of time in the shadows between what everyone considers light and dark, good and bad. This world of feigned empathy and controlling caution strangles me in a way I cannot communicate. The fact you are even considering this tells me you have a certain kind of mind that I can speak to.

Firstly, fantasies are not reality. They are archetypes of passion built from the dynamics between emotion and symbolism. For example, rape fantasy is common but nobody likes the physical and emotional reality of an unwanted assault.

If you choose to perform incest, it will likely never leave you. Forever you will carry an awareness that will manifest as social pressure and shame. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm saying everyone else percieves it as wrong--and you know it. Self-doubt and isolation will be a likely coping mechanism.

This will also forever change the dynamic of your familial relationships. You open yourself up to jealousy, manipulation, and domination. Best case scenario, you eventually replace your mother. Worst case scenario, you can never feel comfortable around them again.

As for self-harm, I implore you to fight harder. Emotions are a chemical cocktail of hormones. This means that internal behaviors like chronic depression are a factory setting for your body, not a feature that can be disabled. If we're talking evolution, something so wide-spread carries the implication of practical use. That means there is a good chance you are simply out of your element, not broken. A hammer was not made to nail screws. But it can. Likewise, the world you have built for yourself may be ill-suited for your body's strengths and weaknesses.

You can believe me or not here: Time is precious and I don't care to waste it on lies.

I have died before and what I saw changed my life forever. This world melts away, your memories fade, it feels like nothing here even mattered... except that you are still you. No taste, no touch, no sound, no smell, no sight... Just awareness... and preparation. Preparation for another journey to something, somewhere.

Your life is like a cocoon. Death is the butterfly. But have you seen what happens to a butterfly that hatches before it can develop?

Imagine you existed before you were born. Imagine you were shown countless lives you could have lived. You saw each possible life from beginning to end and you chose this one. As you were born, your memory of the world before was wiped so that you could live this life you chose. Why? Why did you choose this life? What was it your soul needed to learn? To experience?

It would be a shame to cheat yourself. You cannot take anything from this world into the next. Only you, yourself, and what you become. Give it time... and live your life like you deserve to be here. You wouldn't exist if you didn't.

 

[willi1796]

I hope you conquer your demons and can live a normal life. I can't imagine what you're going through, even though I know a few people who have taken their own lives. Don't do it, and enjoy your life with everything that comes with it.

 

[Coconutty70]

As Geppetto says above, i will assume this is real. And I have a few things to say. I may ramble… it might not get posted, but I will write something heartfelt and see. If this is a story, then let this be a part of it…

Firstly, things can and do change. The understanding of this comes with age perhaps, as we experience different things, and see things come and go. Nothing really stays the same… our lives are like a continuous unfolding of experiences, feelings, sensations and physical presence… each moment stands alone but they are strung together, sometimes in a linear way, with one thing connected to the next, but at other times they connect across different times, so that things that happen in the past are connected in the present. I think everyone who reads your post would want you to experience that wonder; a sense of connection between your past, present and future self. You may be able to look back at some terrifyingly difficult moments and understand that it has given you wisdom and understanding of the world that you would otherwise would never have. They may be future moments where it is valuable, maybe even crucial for yourself or others that you love and care about. It may enable you to have a presence in the World which is utterly beautiful. Who knows… we don’t have a crystal ball… but in order to know, you have to stay. We want you to stay. If I were in front of you now, I would look you in the eyes and ask that of you. We can’t tell you what to do… but we can ask. Maybe one of these unfolding moments of your life brings you to the conclusion that leaving the World might feel like the only choice you have… or it may be the only way to regain control, so that you finally feel like you made a choice for yourself. You might recognise that feeling of relief or even peace. I ask that you stay to experience what comes after for you, because making the choice to not die, and step back from the edge is the REAL regaining of control. Your life comes back into your own hands again. I recognise the struggle though.

Secondly, I realise that seeking help can be hard. Therapy is expensive or not easily available. It can be extremely helpful to talk with someone who you trust and who you know won’t judge you when you speak your truth. Often it is a counsellor who is trained to do this. This is something I KNOW about. I can’t tell you strongly enough how much i have wanted to cry when witnessing the change in a person’s face when they realise they have been heard; respected; not judged… and that they can be helped to figure things out for themselves, and that... maybe… change is possible. This is possible… if you can find any avenue at all! Perhaps via a charity, a college counsellor, or a helpline then this may be a good place to start seeking. You have reached out here, so i know you are seeking. Keep seeking, don’t stop. You deserve it.

Thirdly, I am so confused about what you say about your parents, but I’m taking what you say at face value. This is a dilemma for a reason. If it was something you really wanted, would you even see it as a dilemma? You said that it broke your heart. I invite you to look inwards and see what it is that breaks your heart. Maybe it will help you decide. You describe the situation as if there is some kind of spiritual or deep emotional need to have intimacy with you; that somehow it would make things feel ‘complete’ for them. This doesn’t sound like a request for ‘completion’ to me… it sounds dressed-up as something meaningful but in reality sounds like they want more than what is correct for a loving and caring parent-child relationship and that is greedy and selfish that they would want to seek gratification from having intimate relations with you. Yes, I did just call your parents all of that. To ask this of you is disrespectful and extremely distasteful. All the alarm bells have gone off over here… it’s almost deafening. Say no. Perhaps there has been a lot of trauma. Don’t allow them to pass their trauma on to you. Set up your boundaries so that you have control over your physical and emotional space. Trying to be persuaded to do something you don’t want to do is a breach of your boundaries just as much as a physical intrusion. Being firm on this and clear with them about what is acceptable and NOT acceptable is something that will make you stronger and empowered. It’s your life and your body. Your words suggest that you have a choice to make, so make the best one for yourself now, without any guilt… oh, I understand the guilt! This decision is about you, to be made by you, and only you. They saved your life… it was out of love and you love them back. That’s good enough. That cup is full enough at that level, isn’t it?

I wish you much love, strength and a long, happy life, full of joy, surrounded by those you trust.

[edit] just realised the original post was made in March!