Running Headfirst into Unforeseen Limit

[emcwolf13]

Accidentally Ran into an Unforeseen Limit: Advice?

This is kind of heavy as this just happened last night.

My long-distance Dom and I were sexting, and in the scenario we'd agreed to bring in another woman. We've talked about this in the past, and decided that maybe eventually it would be something we could explore IRL even though we're explicitly monogamous now, so I was fine with that part of the RP. He had me narrate what would happen, and He eventually asked if I was avoiding something. I asked what He meant, and He said it seemed like I was avoiding having Him fuck the other woman, and asked if it was because I wasn't ready for that yet.

That brought on a surprisingly visceral reaction, and I told Him I didn't think I'd ever be ready for that. He kindly asked why, and I told Him I didn't know but that I wanted to cry. (In retrospect, my imagined scenarios with an additional person haven't ever included Him or me having piv sex with the other party, and I suppose that just didn't get expressed to Him.) Of course we immediately switched into aftercare mode, and He felt bad for bringing it up and wanted to do all He could to comfort me and make sure I really was okay. We talked it out and I'm mostly okay after a good night's sleep, but it's still a bit alarming to have completely smacked into something neither of us really knew was there.

I suppose my TL;DR is this: How do you best avoid running into limits so suddenly, and if you do uncover one in the middle of a scene, how do you recover? I feel like He handled it the best way He could with the distance and as always He was super receptive to all my ramblings about my feelings afterward. I'd just rather not repeat that feeling in the future.

 

[Acktion]

I, personally, always find it slightly humorous (and a trifle alarming) when a relative neophyte says something akin to "I have no limits." Uh, yeah, you do. You just haven't found them yet.

I'll just admit right here that, looking back on my track record, I fucking suck at LDR only.

But, I'm pretty well practiced off-line for a few decades. And, at the risk of sounding immodest, pretty fucking good.

And it's been my experiences that you really just don't know all of your limits until you run face-first into them. Much like you did.

From what you have detailed, it sounds like the two of you explored exactly as you should have, talking about it first. And He was astute and picked up a discrepancy that raised a flag and probed in that direction, discovering a previously undiscovered limit.

Now, here's the thing. Even if you had talked it through, and it was still hot for both of you, when it comes time that you try to move the experiment from fantasy to flesh, it could have hit then. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me they had tried a threesome only for someone to then be unable to perform when it came to it...

Or that thought they might like spanking, but "ow! Red! Red! Red! Fucking Red!"

Or that thought a Wartenberg wheel looked interesting right up until they felt the spikes running across their delicate flesh.

Or...

Well, you get the idea.

My point is that you know what some of your hard limits are before you ever even talk about them. You'll figure some others out as you try to voice them and start getting feedback. Some will remain interesting right up until it's time to pull the trigger. And some... a few... will be a hard limit with one Dom, a soft limit with another, and a "why the fuck did that ever bother me?" with someone else when you were certain that was a hard limit before.

What I'm getting at, snowflake, is that there is nothing unusual about what you experienced. It is not at all uncommon for someone being guided in their submissive exploration to come up against an insurmountable wall that they didn't know was there. That is part of our responsibility as Dominants of whatever stripe (and our pleasure), to help submissives discover the fencelines of their submission. And, frankly, I give kudos freely to your Person for being astute enough to figure out that something wasn't gibing and help you to discover that limit prior to the fleshly experimentation when it could have been more problematic (and potentially damaging). And for being astute enough to back off and see to your aftercare when it became apparent it was an issue. Doubly so for being able enough that you are doing so well with what, yes, is a weighty thing so soon after that you were able to talk freely about it.

***shrug***

I'm sure others will be along shortly to give their opinions. And what I have typed is just that, my personal opinion. But, I think you both handled it just right.

May the wind be at your back and the sun out of your eyes today for a brighter world.

 

[Bramblethorn]

What Acktion said. I don't think there is an easy path to self-knowledge on this sort of thing. I've known several people who were A-OK with the idea of sharing their partner right up to the point where it actually became a reality, and then realised they were Not OK with it. If you want to explore your limits, you probably need to allow for this kind of thing happening on occasion.

The good news, such as it is, is that you and he discovered this BEFORE you brought in a real person with feelings to be hurt, and when you did discover it you dealt with it like grownups. (Unlike some people I've had the misfortune to be involved with.) I hope that's some comfort.

 

[wicked woman]

Funny, I thought your situation went exactly as it should. Was a great example of talking, listening, sharing, communicating, expressing feelings and much more.

I think your only concern is in not wanting to experience it again. As individuals and as a part of a relationship, ideally we want to grow and become better over time. Part of that involves exploring new things and ideas, seeing how they feel/fit.

I learned a long time ago, that I can have an idea how I'll react to something, but until it actually happens, I really don't know. I've surprised myself more than once and reacted to the reality much differently than I thought I would when it was just hypothetical.

So kudos for how the two of you handled it, and personally, I hope you get to experience it again. It's part of growth.

 

[Lascivity]

Running into these things is part of finding out about yourself. I don't know if there's any way to really avoid it - short of talking everything through in such detail before you do it that you're basically doing a trial run. Thinking about how to mitigate the negative feelings that come with it is probably a better bet - and it sounds like that's something you've already thought about a little.