Rumple of the Literotica Returns

[Rumple Foreskin]

Fellow Literoticists,

My eighth attempt at writing something resembling but not quite passable prose has just emerged upon the "NEW" and "LOVING WIVES" boards. "NURSE MADE" http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=75452 is a straight sex, cheatin' wives sage (young nurse works late on a staff members stiff member) with an undertone of interracial thrown in for good measure.

If some of you fine folks get a chance to check it out and would then be kind enough to give me your opinion of this opus, I would be grateful. But in case none of you low-life, scum bag, bottom feeders is willing to help, well, I promise not to nurse a grudge.

Rumple Foreskin

-in case you missed it before, that URL is: NURSE MADE
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=75452

 

[English Lady]

Well I read it and it was good*L* not much else i can say, there were a few phrases i didn't particularly find sexy like "by-products of their love" but that is just a personal thing! I'd love to give you something to work on and not just a gushing "wow that was a good story" comment but erm, I can't!

well done!

 

[MathGirl]

Fellow Literoticists,

If some of you fine folks get a chance to check it out and would then be kind enough to give me your opinion of this opus, I would be grateful. But in case none of you low-life, scum bag, bottom feeders is willing to help, well, I promise not to nurse a grudge.

Rumple Foreskin
[x[/url]

Dear Rumple,

NURSE DIS!

Welcome back. Cool story.

Diane

 

[the_bragis]

Great story

Hello Rumple,

Yes, this story to H O T from start to finish.

I love that opening paragraph, it's smugness hooked me. I especially liked 'his demanding cock and her willing cunt'. Excuse the pun, but it's a really hot and juicy finish too, while still leaving it open for a follow up. There will be a follow up, won't there? Please?

On the story itself, well I'm being nit picky here I know, but I'm just not sure how this would have all come about. Do things like this really get arranged? I mean how would the conversation have gone? "Hey Donna, I would really love a piece of that sweet white ass of yours sometime?" "Oh sure Leroy, how about later tonight?" I don't think so. Illicit affairs like this, surely happen much more by chance and opportunity rather that arrangement. Not that I would know from experience - of course. Maybe it would have been more believable for them to have found themselves alone in a storeroom. Then maybe the two them making eye contact, brushing up against one another "accidently', Leroy gently fondling Donna etc... Then - " No, not here Leroy" Donna hissed. "Then where?" Leroy replied with a smug grin. And so on... I just felt it need more of a built up to make it 'realistic'. And Rumple if it was premeditated, wouldn't they surely organize something a little more comfortable than the back seat of a car? I know I would have - if I was going to do something like that is .

The other thing I found a tad confusing was, would Leroy really care about trying to act 'cool' when he's parked in the alley. I mean Donna's been giving a full on blow job, and his cock harder then Chinese arithmetic, if I read the story right. I'm just not sure that a man in that state would really be thinking about having a smoke instead of a poke, when there is a naked woman in the back seat of his car.

And Donna, who was so freaking keen she had to climb over to the back seat before the car had even stopped, would she really at that stage be, "absentmindedly stroking one of her breasts'? Wouldn't hot little Donna be more likely to be madly groping and grabbing her breasts, or Leroy's?

Again being super nit picky, the first half of your story was a little 'wasy' for me. I think a few of those passive sentences could have been changed, to give more impact, but that's just my opinion.

Speaking of my opinions - ok. I've taken somewhat of a beating over my "suckling" post, but I wasn't crazy about the word 'stuffed'. To me stuffed is what happened to the turkey at Christmas. I just don't happen to find it a really erotic word. No doubt others will disagree.

Rumple, I really like your story and I've given it a five, because it deserved it. Only for my tastes, I would really have appreciate a little more 'intensity'. You know, that feeling of urgency you get when you want it bad! Really bad!

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

RF,
WOW, super hot story.
With it being catagorized under loving wives I was a bit shocked when I read Leroy was black, didn't bother me mind you, just surprised me. I know how it's sometimes hard to chose a catagory.
This was one incredibly well written, hot story. I hope there will be a part 2. I'd love to hear that Donna and Leroy get together with Donna's Hubby.

Welcome back

Wicked

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

To: English Lady, MathGirl, the_bragis, Wicked-N-Erotic,

Many thanks for your kind words. As a card-carrying guy person, I'm especially pleased to have female-type, lady-folks think it's a good read.

As I mentioned to the_bragis in a PM, there is a sequel, of sorts, in the works. I've never done much in first person so I'm trying to write the same story but in first person and use Leroy's POV. Since I've got another story "Mix & Match" being pounded soft over on the Story Discussion Circle, I'm taking my time finsihing this new version so my wounds can heal.

Thanks again for the feedback and warm fuzzies.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Just_John1]

Nurse made

Hey Rumple!

Another low-life, scum bag, bottom feeder responding to your damn story! LOL... I wish I had some constructive criticism but damn! Nice job! Very hot, and excellent intro, great pacing, and good descriptions... Don't really know what else to say. The following is the review I wrote as I wrote it. IMHO:

I’m writing this review as I read the story so here goes

Awsome intro. Great hook, got my interest right away.

Good job on the description of Donna, just enough and not too much.

I am intrigued about Donna and Leroy, IMHO I would’ve enjoyed a little more play by play on the seduction front.

” Leroy paused and leaned forward until their lips meet.”(met, the only typo I’ve seen so far.)

I like the tension you’ve created with Clay’s tendency to throw her on the floor as soon as she arrives… This lets you go in SO many ways… Nice Job!

Love the break between the oral scene in the hotel and the switch to the oral at the hospital… I was just about to write Foul! When you got right back into it. Awsome.

Like the description of Leroys wife, again just enough and not too much.

Sex scenes were well written.

I'm looking forward to more. I gave the story a 5 because I thought it deserved it. Good job!

JJ1

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

JJ,

I appreciate the kind words. You did too good a job with your feedback to get a quick response. I meant to make a reply right after you posted your critique, but I decided to first change that blasted meet/met you caught. Naturally, I got distracted and forgot to show my manners by saying thanks.

As you pointed out, sequels to this story could go many ways. For instance, one anon piece of feedback suggested Donna's husband Clay have an affair with Leroy's wife. That might be a fun plot if I ever decide to try a series.

I've been very pleased at the success of this story. It was posted back on 1/4 and has picked up 98 votes, over 20,000 views, and a 4.33 tally. It's fallen off the NEW list by now, so the votes and views have really slowed. Apparently, it's the type of story both "guys and dolls" can enjoy. Now if I could just figure out what I did right I'd be in good shape.

Thanks again for your input-it does help.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[MathGirl]

#@$%^&*

JJ,


I've been very pleased at the success of this story. It was posted back on 1/4 and has picked up 98 votes, over 20,000 views, and a 4.33 tally. It's fallen off the NEW list by now, so the votes and views have really slowed.
Rumple Foreskin

Dear RF,
Voting is always like that. My stories consistently start out at 4.5+ for the first twenty or so votes. Then the people who have stories in the top 100 notice it and the ones start pouring in. Don't let it bother you. The first votes are from readers, and then it's the misanthropes and those whose own stories are threatened.

Is "Rumple of the Lit" a takeoff on "Rumpold of the Bailey"? If so, it's cute. I loved that series and the actor was great. Leo McKern, or something like that.

Keep writing and don't let the bastards wear you down.

MG

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

MathGirl,

I hear what you're saying. I almost didn't mention that 4.33, in large part because what really surprised me was the number of views and votes. Getting a 4+ vote is nice, but folks going to the trouble to drop a line saying they liked a story or, even better, taking the time to give a critique on why, is the real turn-on.

As you guessed, "Rumple of the Lit" is indeed a take-off on "Rumpold of the Bailey." It's one of my three favorite English series, along with "Flashman" and anything by P.G.Wodehouse.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[MathGirl]

F-man, Jeeves, etc.

MathGirl,


As you guessed, "Rumple of the Lit" is indeed a take-off on "Rumpold of the Bailey." It's one of my three favorite English series, along with "Flashman" and anything by P.G.Wodehouse.

Rumple Foreskin

Ewwww, a Flashman fan! George MacDonald Fraser, isn't it? I love the Flashy books and have read them all. Several times. If you like that, you would like Terry Pratchett. They have nothing in common at all. Pratchett is my favorite writer. PGW doesn't do much for me. Maybe it's because I'm left handed.

Gerundette the Illiterate

 

[Guest]

not to be a bitch...

RF-

I confess that I started reading this story the other night and didn't finish it....

Perhaps I was just tired, but since you have asked for feedback on it and I really do like you, I thought I would jot my thoughts down as I re-read the opening and then finish it...

There are several long sentences in the beginning paragraphs that would have been easier to follow if broken apart. "But then her body began to tremble and her creamy white skin became flushed as this new lover's deep, rhythmic thrusts started pushing her towards another orgasm, and she forgot about everything else. " Reading this one aloud took an awfully deep breath.

"For just a moment, she wondered if Clay would have cared even if he had known." would change to "would care even if he did know"

I agree with bragis on the "stuffed" thing... I get the picture of a flaccid cock being pushed up into her by hand...

"This was her first taste of adultery, her first experience with cheating, the first time she'd ever being unfaithful-and she was loving every illicit, erotic moment." Perhaps semicolons instead of commas.

"It was Clay who taught ".. could be shifted to "Clay had taught her..."

Okay, I had to laugh when I read "over the last few weeks " ... their sex life had gone down hill. Weeks? She is out boinking in the back of a Chevy because a few weeks of sex going down hill?

"who's slim, stylish figure " should be whose.

"But she never considered doing anything more than just day dreaming about sex with Leroy, especially without Clay's knowledge or presence. " this wasn't clear to me... I had to read it several times before I thought I might understand it.

Would have liked for this "when he said he wanted to make it with her" to actually have been a quoted statement.

Perhaps drop his proposal "So instead of laughing off his proposition, she hesitated for a long time and then heard herself accepting his proposal."

Okay, this is my own personal pet peeve, but don't you mean, could NOT have cared less?

"Donna's entire being was focused" drop the was.

"This was, she realized, something she really wanted to do and as she had whispered to Leroy, she wanted to do it real soon. " add a comma before the third she.

Female thing: "itching, horny cunt." itching cunt is NOT erotic... aching, empty, desperate... itchy means something NOT good.

"good looking, black hunk was taken her " a little redundant and it should be taking.

"how much further they had to go" should be farther.

"where ever" one word.

"After retrieving the panties and hose, she was stuffing them into her purse when the car suddenly swerved." After she retrieved the panties and hose, she was stuffing then into her purse when the car suddenly swerved."

"she across the seat " missing slid.

"I don't know where we're going, but like I said before, I hope we get there real soon," ... should have a comma after but and end in a period.

"then lowered her head " perhaps should be "lowered her head"

I agree with bragis "she slowly spread " .. why would she be slow at this point? And I also don't understand the cigarette thing... going from driving like a maniac and being sucked off to talking about cigarettes was distracting.

"suddenly hunched forward" hunched? as in Notre Dame?

and you caught the "meet"

" small, intense orgasms".. oxymoron?

"love making" one word

"clinched around " do you mean cinched or clenched?

"Leroy let out a grunt"... kind of minimal considering the earth moving for Donna.

"Getting to do it even once again however, proved to be harder than she had anticipated." was confused by this at first, his cock was still hard and inside of her, what's the problem? Perhaps if it was "Getting away together even one more time"

"who had some night classed" classes

"Saturday morning and with her" and go with her.

"by-products of their love that was still clinging to his dark man-meat and hoped to feel the now semi-erect shaft quickly stiffen inside her mouth" by-products and man-meat in the same sentence is a bit much.

"At that first" do you mean after?


"The only things that concerned her was not tipping over the chair and savoring the exquisite sensation " i think you mean were.

"Nor would he have imagined that his unexpected call had interrupted her post-sex reverie" Nor would he imagine...

"had just been deposited " delete been.

I don't know if I believe that Donna "still loves Clay". Nothing that she has done in this story indicates to me she loves him... loved his cock, but no real love.

The second from the last paragraph is another long sentence that wanders around.

****
RF-

If you don't hate me by now, and are interested in my two cents...

Fun story. Hot sex scenes. It definitely "works" .

Did you make a list of different ways to describe a black person's penis? Some of them made me laugh.

The end of the story saw some greater character development which was nice.

You have two writing habits that are a bit annoying to me... starting sentences with conjunctions and "then"s.

I think that reading the story aloud would catch some of the complicated sentences.

Great job!

b

 

[gauchecritic]

Sorry to be the bearer of such tidings but:

I'm afraid that this story didn't work for me. It seemed to be a non-sexual story with sex thrown in.

Perhaps it was the omniscient view point which spoiled it for me or the jarring of the first paragraph hook swinging to flashback. This never works for me in the written word (except possibly sci-fi which is a competely different use).

Clay as a given name may be common-place in the US, which I was prepared to allow for but I was also expecting it to offer some insight into her husbands character (a technique used more often than you may think) but apart from telling us he was from the South it did little else.

On a similar topic you seem to go to great lengths to point out that Donna was not racist, whilst hinting that Clay was, then leaving that hanging too.

On the subject of names, Leroy?

On to particulars:

"...always raving about her long legs. But having been a chunky kid..."

Chunky AND long legs? I can't imagine this.


"She could have cared less..." Nothing wrong with that btw.

Leaving first and meeting later? Arousing suspicion? Who was there to suspect? They's been to parties together, they were friends and acquaintances.

"...probing into the intimate recesses of her mouth" Very awkward and ungainly

"She felt horny and scared and turned-on and guilty" too many ands.

"With the exception of a New Year's Eve kiss at a party, this was the first time their lips had met. "
The first time has no exceptions.

"...musky taste "???


"...vaulting over the back of the front seat and into her waiting arms..." That's gotta hurt.

"They kept kissing ..."
Like a few other phrases this is an example of how NOT to build tension.

"...as the engorged dick hurtled toward the depths of her tight cunt." Hurtled?

There were an awful lot of "Moments later..."

"As she shuddered from the impact..."
Never mind the creased uniform what is Clay going to say about all the bruising?

"...she wanted, even needed, to be with this new, incredible lover again, and again, and again.

Getting to do it even once again however..."
What happened? They finished fucking and it's the next day?

"To her utter delight, it would be a long, exhilarating, unforgettable day filled with incredible sex. "
This sentence is a killer. It tells nothing but what we expect.

"As the last piece of clothing fell to floor, he picked her up in his arms and carried her to the bed where they made wild, passionate, uninhibited love. "
Do you have a book of stock phrases for these?

"Donna felt the familiar, excited churning in her stomach at the thought of all the pleasure she knew this big, brown, baton was about to deliver. "
Which she had already received 10 seconds before. When did she stop feeling this? As soon as he pulled out?

"As her lips traveled up and down the shaft, Donna could feel the chocolate colored column growing harder and harder. Pausing for a moment, she giggled to herself at the thought that chocolate had always been her favorite flavor. "
Here you imply that Donna also thought the previous description. Better if you had said so.

"It wasn't a long wait.

When they finally got to work, it proved to be a typical, slow Saturday on the unit."
Slightly better scene change but still confusing.

"After he spread her long legs to the max..." A ladies legs can spread a long way, I actually laughed at this point.

"...sensed he was lunging forward. Then he slammed his swollen, mahogany manhood into her eager pussy..."
This is so unbelievable. Attacking her pussy from distance without prepping? What was he fucking a cunt or a bucket?

"When it ended, she lay slumped forward over the chair with her rubbery legs spread wide, her warm bottom pointing toward the ceiling, and her tingling pussy filled with Leroy's thick semen and magnificent manhood. She was breathless and trembling from the intense, final orgasm that ripped through her body moments after he made one last savage thrust and deposited another load of his warm, salty, seed deep inside her throbbing twat. "
This is a very confusing, backward and pace slowing para.

"There was no way Clay could know she’d be “working late” on another man's cock in a motel room on the other side of town. Nor would he have imagined that his unexpected call had interrupted her post-sex reverie, forcing her to disengage from her new lover and hurry bare footed to the phone..."
This is repetition of previous parts and only slows down the rhythm once more.

"..and what she wanted to do again. However, she also knew she still loved Clay..."

'...to do again, but she still loved Clay..' Gives us her thoughts instead of the narrators description on her thoughts.


Maybe you should find some alternatives for these words; eroticism, horny and cunt.


Having re-read this I think I seem to be coming across as sarcastic and smug, I'm not really I'm just;

Gauche