Rules for the Genre-Savvy Slasher-Film Killer

[pecksniff]

(Inspired by the Evil Overlord List.)

If I am stalking a group of teenagers, I will not begin with the horny couple having sex in a parked van. Such can easily be picked off at my leisure. Instead, I will start with the smart, spunky virgin who might work out a way to defeat me.

My Chamber of Horrors will not be located in a remote farmhouse. True, that is a good way to prevent the neighbors from hearing the screams; but, if too many travelers mysteriously disappear, at some point the authorities will comb the countryside. Instead, my Chamber of Horrors will be located in some place where neither screams nor disappearances will attract attention, such as the South Bronx.

I will not send taunting messages to the police. If they want to catch me, let them work for it.

I will carefully meditate on the role of absurdity in human affairs before committing any murders at the behest of a supernatural being speaking through my dog.

I will never leave my manifesto on the office copier.

 

[pecksniff]

If someone who has learned about my Great Work but not my connection to it stumbles into my office or apartment shaking and out of breath, I will not say, "Now, calm down. Who else have you told about this?" They've got to be on to that one by now. Instead, I will say, "Now, calm down. Tell me the whole story from the beginning." This is more time-consuming, but more useful in determining who must or must not be eliminated to protect my Great Work.

 

[pecksniff]

I will always try to carefully bear in mind that I am almost certainly insane, therefore prone to errors in judgment.

 

[pecksniff]

I will never eat human flesh raw. It's not safe.

 

[pecksniff]

I will vary my MO. This takes some of the emotional satisfaction out of the job, but I'll be able to keep going longer if they don't spot a connection between the cases.

 

[pecksniff]

I will never do a mass shooting. Nobody ever gets away with those.

 

[pecksniff]

If I am a spirit animating a doll, I will be mindful of my rather severe physical limitations.

I will do no sequels for less than 10% of gross -- you just keep getting defeated over and over and over, it's a bitch.

 

[pecksniff]

If I am a leprechaun -- what am I even doing in this kind of story?! I make shoes and play pranks! Don't you bloody fargobawlers know anything about Irish folklore?!

 

[Chernosoth]

I would get a job in a nursing home. They will all die anyway, nobody cares.

Or move to Mexico, be a cartel boss, and have a private army killing mayors, judges, and generally thousands of people.

 

[pecksniff]

If I am a ghost haunting dreams, I will occasionally stop just before the kill. It will be more amusing to watch my victim's desperate attempt to hold off sleep with coffee and drugs.

 

[Chernosoth]

Serial killers are sometimes outgunned by ordinary human self-destruction, like building towns in wildfire zones and writing building codes that guarantee bigger fires. There may be nothing left for a killer to do but watch and laugh when towns burn.

 

[pecksniff]

I will avoid a high profile. Once the press names you "the _______ Killer," the game is basically over.

 

[FL30]

Serial killers are sometimes outgunned by ordinary human self-destruction, like building towns in wildfire zones and writing building codes that guarantee bigger fires. There may be nothing left for a killer to do but watch and laugh when towns burn.

or building in flood zones and then being surprised when the house or building actually does flood due to heavy rains

or building on a mountain side that has just had all of it's vegetation removed (grass/trees) and then being surprised by a landslide/mudslide

 

[pecksniff]

I will never forget that a chainsaw is not a weapon. There is a reason why soldiers do not carry chainsaws.

 

[Tigersman]

I would never use the same knife twice as that sets a pattern for the police. I would not kill anyone in the same area of town or at the same time of day or night. I would make sure each victim had a different appearance.