rude questions?

[cryforme1v]

Ok before i ask my question i have a short story i need to tell.
I was born with a cleft lip and pallet, so all of my life i have always gotten weird looks or questions about what happened. If i were to ask that question, i would view it as being rude. I know its just their curiousity so it doesnt bother me, but i cant seem to ask questions about stuff very well about what may have influenced their life in one way or another. Probably because people have asked me stuff like that all my life.

The question i'm wanting to ask my boyfriend is why he grew up with his aunt and not his parents, and yet be so close to his parents now? He knew his parents growing up, they were in his life, but he lived with his aunt and even took her last name. Would it be offensive if i asked or shoud i just leave it alone? I dont know if its a touchy subject or if its just because of his biological father or what.
How do you know whether or not a question is offensive? I'm not much of a people person so its a little more difficult for me to tell, ya know?

 

[infinity706]

It wouldn't bother me if someone asked me a question like that. Of course, I have a feeling it could simply be economical. The aunt could support a baby and chose to take him in.

 

[silverwhisper]

cry: perhaps you could open by sharing with him your previous discomfort with people asking about your cleft lip & palate, then asking if he's similarly sensitive about the circumstances behind his aunt raising him?

i think opening with sharing with him about your discomfort helps establish that you might potentially have this in common: that people often might ask both of you things that you're tired of answering, etc. this might, in turn, help him overcome any anxiety he might have. and of course, it gives him a graceful way to say no.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

cry: perhaps you could open by sharing with him your previous discomfort with people asking about your cleft lip & palate, then asking if he's similarly sensitive about the circumstances behind his aunt raising him?

i think opening with sharing with him about your discomfort helps establish that you might potentially have this in common: that people often might ask both of you things that you're tired of answering, etc. this might, in turn, help him overcome any anxiety he might have. and of course, it gives him a graceful way to say no.

ed

Great advice, Ed!

Cryforme, if you're worried about it, follow Ed's suggestion. However, we're talking about your bf here--not some random person on the street or acquaintance--so I can't imagine the topic is off limits or rude to broach. If you ask somewhat delicately (e.g. NOT something like, "Hey, how come you lived with your aunt and are close to parents who didn't want you as a kid?"), and back off if you get the feeling he's uncomfortable about it, you should be perfectly fine.

It's wonderful that you're sensitive about asking questions on topics that could be touchy, though; as you've experienced, so many people aren't! You may not feel like a "people person," but it sounds like your experiences related to your cleft lip & pallet have given you extra strength and empathy.

 

[Experiencedguy]

Going just one step further

It also depends on your relationship. I mean. if you go out for pizza and beer with others once a week or so, that might be a little insensative. But if you are in a relationship, and thinking of maintaining it or taking it to the next level, I think you need to know.

There is probably a very simple explanation, but if it is something very dark and secrative you need to find out now. If you are in a relationship and he refuses to discuss it, something is wrong, and we all know what we should do with wrong relationships.

 

[storyreader84]

I think that is a legitimate question to ask him, if it is an intimate relationship you have earned the right to ask each other... in my opinion ;-) Good luck!

 

[Berwyn]

What Ed said
The other thing to consider is that, if you two are in a relationship that is getting serious, he may take your asking as a good thing. It shows that you care enough about him that you want to know about the important details of his life. Like Erika said, it's not like you are a stranger just asking out of inconsiderate curiousity

 

[Reba67]

It's really more the tone of voice when asking a question. When asking about your cleft palate, someone may be genuinely curious.....others are rude. The actual question itself is not rude, it's in how the question is asked.

 

[cryforme1v]

It's really more the tone of voice when asking a question. When asking about your cleft palate, someone may be genuinely curious.....others are rude. The actual question itself is not rude, it's in how the question is asked.

so true, i guess i never really thought of it that way - i normally just hear the question and jump right to the explination without thinking. Like a routine.

 

[cryforme1v]

cry: perhaps you could open by sharing with him your previous discomfort with people asking about your cleft lip & palate, then asking if he's similarly sensitive about the circumstances behind his aunt raising him?

i think opening with sharing with him about your discomfort helps establish that you might potentially have this in common: that people often might ask both of you things that you're tired of answering, etc. this might, in turn, help him overcome any anxiety he might have. and of course, it gives him a graceful way to say no.

ed

He asked me that question a few weeks after we met, i kinda droned out and explained the cleft lip/pallet. I'm sure he noticed the annoyance with it because he got really quiet for about an hour then resumed talking about a different subject.
We're suppose to go out to a nice dinner / movie next weekend so i may ask him then or at least try to hint that i'm curious.
Thanks for the advice Ed <3

 

[Mac98]

I wouldn't mind someone asking me that, If I trusted the person enough, that is... in this case, he's your boyfriend, I'm sure he trusts you.

That being said, I don't see how asking someone about their cleft lip is rude... I think telling someone you don't know to shut the fuck up is rude... not asking a simple question.

Although, if someone's been raped, it's probably best not to touch that area (no pun intended, of course) unless that person is ready to do so... Alright, well, I believe this rant has gone on long enough.

 

[cryforme1v]

I wouldn't mind someone asking me that, If I trusted the person enough, that is... in this case, he's your boyfriend, I'm sure he trusts you.

That being said, I don't see how asking someone about their cleft lip is rude... I think telling someone you don't know to shut the fuck up is rude... not asking a simple question.

Although, if someone's been raped, it's probably best not to touch that area (no pun intended, of course) unless that person is ready to do so... Alright, well, I believe this rant has gone on long enough.

i agree with you to a point.
The rape subject i completely agree with you on, and i agree with you in the case of my boyfriend.
But the case of my cleft lip - during the time i grew up i never seen anyone else with it besides books / movies that i watched at the dr's office. I didnt actually believe other people existed that were born with the same or similar defects. Till i was about 15 i believed completely that i was a freak. It was in that time that a girl joined the school and had the exact scar as me, so obviously we became fast friends and we both realized that we werent freaks and to instead of getting pissed, we just get annoyed and think "again!?"
But for a while it was a very touchy subject, and i guess at times still can be a touchy subject. I sometimes view it as rude and sometimes just with annoyance of their curiousity. I guess thats why i'm always unsure if a subject is touchy or not. Does any of this make sense?

 

[silverwhisper]

cryforme quoth:
he asked me that question a few weeks after we met, i kinda droned out and explained the cleft lip/pallet. i'm sure he noticed the annoyance with it because he got really quiet for about an hour then resumed talking about a different subject.

OK, so he probably feels you have some lingering anxiety about the subject. perhaps it might be helpful to bring it up, and explain that you could have handled it more gracefully before moving on to the question of his childhood?

cryforme quoth:
we're suppose to go out to a nice dinner / movie next weekend so i may ask him then or at least try to hint that i'm curious.

thanks for the advice ed <3

i think that probably that's a good idea. if you did ask this past weekend, i hope it went well! and you're welcome, of course!

erika, berwyn: thank you! :>

ed

 

[cryforme1v]

i think i'm gonna save it for when we're both in a really good talkative mood.
This past weekend, i wasnt feeling so well, so of course i sounded like i was appologetic most of the time, and snappy the rest, so it was just a bad idea to bring it up.

 

[Reba67]

Just remember, for most people who ask you, it's perhaps the first time they've ever seen it.....whereas for you it's the 472,309th time you've been asked.

 

[cryforme1v]

Just remember, for most people who ask you, it's perhaps the first time they've ever seen it.....whereas for you it's the 472,309th time you've been asked.

true.