Rough start, what do you think?

[drunkman]

Here is my rough start, please ignore all my spelling mistakes and feel free to give ideas where to take it what to add or take out ect ect


It was Wednesday afternoon and me and my hubby where tired after work and didn’t feel like cooking so we decided that we would go out to the local fast food joint for dinner. My Hubby’s name is Mark, he is 32 6ft2 with blonde hair blue eyes and a nice tonned body after spending his youth playing football and keeping very fit. Myself im 29 5ft3, my name is Steph and I have all the curves in the right places. I like to keep my body tonned as well so I work out regularly and I am very proud of my body.


Dinner was very uneventful, we had to wait on the food and it was typical of McDonalds oily and sloppy yet satisfying. So we where sitting in our little cubical chatting away when my husband said he wanted to play a game. I thought it odd but asked what kinda game.
“ What I want to do is play a dare game. I will dare you to do something and if you do it you can dare me to do something, what do you think?” he said.

I thought about it for a little bit and decided what hard could come of it, “ ok “ I replied with a grin on my face this might be fun.

“Before we start I have a few rules, first off you cant back down from any dare, you must try it, second is you can set any dare apart from breaking a crime.”

These rules put a bit of doubt in my mind but I smiled and nodded.

“ Who is going to go first?” I asked.

“I will go 1st Mark replied, take your panties off and hand them to me”

Bewildered I asked him if he was joking and he replied no. “What kind of game do you call this? We are in a public restaurant what if people see?”

“ That is half the fun the excitement that people might see and the thrill if they do or not”

Hearing this made me feel a bit daring and I smiled at Mark and went to go to the ladies room.

“NO!” Mark snapped “ take them off here sitting in front of me, and hand them over the table.”

Sitting back down I thought about how I would go about doing this. I was wearing my office attire still which comprised of a white blouse which hugged my body closely and a tight fitting black skirt that sat half a inch above my knee, this didn’t give me to much room to maneuver my panties down or to hide what I was doing. I slid my hand up between my legs and slipped 2 fingers under the band of my panties, opening my legs a little and lifting my bottom of the seat I tried to tug them down. I managed to tug the seat of my panties down past my butt and once I had them down this far I slip my skirt up my legs and quickly slid my panties off down to my ankles. I could have sworn that the young man sitting in the cubicle across from us saw but I was 100% sure because I was in a made rush to pick my panties of the floor and hike my skirt back down my legs all without flashing any one or having my panties spotted.

 

[RebaRocks]

This sounds like it could be a very good read. Let your imagination run wild, and I'm positive you'll end up with a fabulously devilish story! Take care of the long unseperated sentences, and that will help the flow of the story greatly. Perhaps replace cubicle with booth? Since a cubicle conotates an office setting.

 

[silverwhisper]

good start. i'm fond of stories like this, to be honest. the grammar need a bit of checking, but as you say, it's a rough draft. i'm not sure where you intend for this to go, but this seems like it would slowly slide towards the raunchy. if that's your intention, i'd like to suggest that you help describe the setting and mood a little more. i'm assuming, based on your handle, that you're a man. writing from a woman's perspective is a bit of a challenge for most of us guys. if you want this to have a bit more verisimilitude, then i'd recommend setting the emotional stage of the protagonist and her husband a bit more.

ed

 

[Boxlicker101]

Okay, I will ignore the spelling errors. Generally speaking, it's not a good idea to introduce your characters by saying what their names are. It is better to let it be known either through narration or dialogue. Instead of saying "My hubby and I were tired" (That's a grammar correction, also) say "Mark and I were tired". Her/your name can be made known when he addresses you.

The descriptions, if they are necessary, can be worked in during further narration.

Apparently, Mark is playing a game of Truth or Dare, but you shuld make a little more of that, and refuse to tell a truth, therefore volunteering to do a dare. Unless the two of you have a history of this sort of thing, I can't see Steph going along with the dare. She would just refuse. If you build up to it, it would be more believable.

Actually, you have a rather interesting story going here. I wrote one like it named "I Dine with Izabella". The real Izabella really loved it.

 

[your_softest_touch]

i agree with everyone, and i think it would definitely add to the excitement if we knew who was in the restaurant before they started the game...like building tension. but i like where it's going, and i'd like to read more...

 

[Guest]

I like the lusty details -

but you truly do need to work on your grammar - it gets in the way of the story. Use grammar/spell checkers - they can help quite a bit.

And it is very difficult to read a story in first person. Instead of writing about "I did this, I did that" (in regards to Steph) perhaps it would be stronger to say he did this and she did that -

They were tired after work that Wednesday afternoon so Mark and his wife decided to go out for dinner. Mark was tall, played football in his youth, and was a perfect compliment for his curvy wife Steph. (and so on - )

Box's advice on introducing the characters is excellent; I would also suggest NOT to give height, body measurements, bra sizes, penis inch sizes, etc. No one knows this in real life anyway (unless there is a measuring tool available) and it is a bit too much information to deal with in a story.

You can say she was busty, trim and toned or he was tall and athletic. Or he was well built, well-endowed, etc.

Your story reads very easily but you should also be careful of writing in the way we speak with friends (using the word kinda - for example.)

I love the story idea - love the playfulness, the whole erotic picture. Keep at it, keep editing, keep working your product.


(edited to change the word "busy" to "busty" - and apparently I need sleep!)

 

[Boxlicker101]

As Sarahh said, you need to tend to the spelling and grammar. Spellcheck and Grammarcheck will help but you still have to proofread by eye. Errors like where/were will not be caught by Spellcheck because those are both words. I compare spelling and grammar errors to speedbumps on the highway. If there are too many of them, I leave the highway.

Most of my stories are written in first person with myself as the protaganist because I feel comfortable that way. Stories where "I" am not a character are written in third person. Whatever feels most comfortable is the best way but I would hesitate to write a story in first person with a woman as the protag.

 

[blackpenblueink]

Great ideas, just work on your grammar and rewrite, rewrite and rewrite. Trust me.
My first stories have something in common with your ideas. Have a read. My first two are actual events. Also, being in a nice place to eat instead of somewhere like Mcdonalds where the food is oily and sloppy can make the story more sexy and inviting.
Try again and work on it. It's an idea that I have lived.