rough draft of part of my first erotic lit story

[SexyBlondeBitch]

I'd like to get some thoughts on how it's written. The perspective I've chosen to write it in, I mean.


You have me stripped to my thong and on my knees with my hands tied behind my back. Your cock is bulging in your pants. I look up into your eyes and beg, "Please... Let me suck your dick." You unzip your pants agonizingly slow and pull your hard-on free. You step forward and roughly grab my hair and guide your dick deep into my throat. Making me gag before you back off a little. Then you start fucking my face. I moan around your cock and you shiver. Your cock starts to pulse. I can feel you getting close. I suck a little harder and you groan as you explode in my mouth and shove your dick down my throat. You pull my hair to make me release your cock and I lick my lips. Savoring the taste of your cum. "I want more. Please, give it to me."

 

[lovecraft68]

Its not a bad scene at all, but the "you" think does nothing for me. You say "I" so you are writing in first person, but when you throw "you" in its like a first person attempt at second person and throws it for me.

This would be my version in a more traditional first person without the "you"

You have me stripped to my thong and on my knees with my hands tied behind my back.

I knelt, naked on the floor, my hands tied behind my back, helplessly looking up at him.

His cock was bulging in his pants and looking into his eyes, I pleaded, "Please, please sir, may I suck you dick?"

With an a nasty smirk, he unzipped his pants with an agonizing slowness that had me squirming with desire. Pulling out his beautiful cock, he roughly grabbed my hair and guided his cock into my mouth (Tip okay here...if he roughly grabbed the hair he wouldn't be guiding his cock into your mouth he would bury it, this sounds like you want it to be throat fucking, not a tease)

I gagged from the size and the force of his invasion of my throat and he backed off slightly, allowing me to adjust before fucking my face.

I moaned around her cock, and I feel it twitch between my lips. His thrusts become more desperate and I whimper in anticipation of the treat I was about to receive. I move my head, taking him deeper and with a groan he exploded into my greedy mouth.

He buried his cock down my throat and my eyes rolled back from the sensation of his thick cum sliding down my throat. He slid from my lips and I he zipped up I licked my lips and pleaded, "No, please, please give me more."



Just a quick version of how I would do it, something to think about and not me telling you how to write.

Also You are going for a short scene a quick encounter and being that she is bound and being face fucked a brutal one.

Add some more detail, her eyes would be watering, she would be making gurgling sounds, maybe he twists her nipples. Little details like that add to the heat of even a very short scene.

 

[SexyBlondeBitch]

I can work with that. Thank you

 

[slyc_willie]

This reads more like a post on the SRP boards to me. Second-person narrative is a sure-fire way to turn off most readers in any other format.

Instead of trying to hook a male reader in with a second-person point of view, describe the scene from a third-person point of view. Give us the angle "from the outside, looking in." I'm not going to imagine that I'm the guy you're writing to, no matter how you write the female character as a willing slut. Better to write to a generic audience and provide glimpses of both the male and female characters as more than just pornographic cutouts.

Oh, and lose the picture, unless you're just trying to stir up interest in looking at pics that are supposedly of you. As far as I'm concerned, that just cheapens the effect.

 

[slyc_willie]

I moaned around her cock, and I feel it twitch between my lips.

Sorry; I just couldn't resist.

Your revision makes the story about a transsexual?

 

[lovecraft68]

Sorry; I just couldn't resist.

Your revision makes the story about a transsexual?

I do that all the time! I also throw in a she for a he on occasions, catch it all the time in my stuff.

Maybe there's a trans story buried deep within me screaming to get out.

 

[lovecraft68]

This reads more like a post on the SRP boards to me. Second-person narrative is a sure-fire way to turn off most readers in any other format.

Instead of trying to hook a male reader in with a second-person point of view, describe the scene from a third-person point of view. Give us the angle "from the outside, looking in." I'm not going to imagine that I'm the guy you're writing to, no matter how you write the female character as a willing slut. Better to write to a generic audience and provide glimpses of both the male and female characters as more than just pornographic cutouts.

Oh, and lose the picture, unless you're just trying to stir up interest in looking at pics that are supposedly of you. As far as I'm concerned, that just cheapens the effect.

Good observation on the role play, when I role play here (rare these days) I go into third so its "Bill grabbed Mary" etc because it seems a lot of role players want that you thing.

Maybe the fact that it does seem as if the writer is trying to put "me" into the scene is what I never cared for. I want to read about other people, not me.

I get enough "you" in real life from my wife.

"You didn't take out the recycling"

Did you walk the dog"

"Did you really say that?"

 

[robertreams]

I'd like to get some thoughts on how it's written. The perspective I've chosen to write it in, I mean.


You have me stripped to my thong and on my knees with my hands tied behind my back. Your cock is bulging in your pants. I look up into your eyes and beg, "Please... Let me suck your dick." You unzip your pants agonizingly slow and pull your hard-on free. You step forward and roughly grab my hair and guide your dick deep into my throat. Making me gag before you back off a little. Then you start fucking my face. I moan around your cock and you shiver. Your cock starts to pulse. I can feel you getting close. I suck a little harder and you groan as you explode in my mouth and shove your dick down my throat. You pull my hair to make me release your cock and I lick my lips. Savoring the taste of your cum. "I want more. Please, give it to me."

By choosing 2nd POV you severely limit yourself on what you can do as a writer. For example, describing 'you' is very awkward, "You are 6'3" and have flaming red hair." "You have a penchant for the ridiculous. Second Person also also pretty much prevents the introduction of motivations and the way a character's mind works.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtXRW-Aa_s

But its possible to do well.

Dylan wrote this tune about Bob Reams...the one eyed midget.

 

[Iceprincess12]

No emotion, just a list of things that happened. There is no reader involvement in the story and since it feels so distant, it isn't interesting to read.

 

[sr71plt]

First, this isn't second-person POV; it's first. It's all from the "I" perspective.

Second, my perspective (particularly with the photo attached--and because the photo was attached) is that the account name should be "SexyBlondBitch" (without the "e" on "blonde") and that this is a transvestite drumming up interest in the transvestite, not a story.

 

[robertreams]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtXRW-Aa_s

But its possible to do well.

Dylan wrote this tune about Bob Reams...the one eyed midget.

Ha. That was my own post!

 

[slyc_willie]

First, this isn't second-person POV; it's first. It's all from the "I" perspective.

Second, my perspective (particularly with the photo attached--and because the photo was attached) is that the account name should be "SexyBlondBitch" (without the "e" on "blonde") and that this is a transvestite drumming up interest in the transvestite, not a story.

Yep, you're right; it is first-person, present tense. I'm not always the best at assigning POV status outside of what I normally write, and I got distracted by the repeated use of the pronoun "you." But the POV is from the writer, speaking to her lover/the reader.

The confusion, I think, goes to show the difficulty of identifying this style of writing and therefore, why it is not often seen.

 

[robertreams]

Also right, not 2nd, mea culpa.
But strange in the I/you thing. Still sounds like rp.

 

[SexyBlondeBitch]

First, this isn't second-person POV; it's first. It's all from the "I" perspective.

Second, my perspective (particularly with the photo attached--and because the photo was attached) is that the account name should be "SexyBlondBitch" (without the "e" on "blonde") and that this is a transvestite drumming up interest in the transvestite, not a story.

I would like to thank everyone for their opinions. I would also like to say, although I'm not opposed to transgender people, I am 100%, natural-born female.