Rough Draft- First Attempt

[CMK89]

A Non-Erotic fantasy.

Please be kind, but constructive criticism welcome. Since my childhood I've wanted to write a novel/series. It's been recommended to me to try short stories to practice your writing. Well I've had this bits in my life, where I'll write something, ask people around me to read my work, and they say, yes but not now... so I'm trying to put something I wrote tonight here and maybe more later. Let me know what you think and if I should keep going.

The crisp night air brought a chill to Zacks bare hands. Both hands rested loosely on the steering wheel of his grey 33 Chevy E-lite. The open road, with the low hum of the tires, has brought Zack to an enchanted state. A single obligations boiling on the surface, tugging for his attention. Just him and the road, soon it will be him and the lake, and his promised duty.
Lost Lake City, established 2036, shortly after Harlow Enterprise was founded by Fredrick Harlow. His movement to clean the carbon emissions brought on by industrial boom of the 1900s.
A vivid memory suddenly flashed before Zacks vision. The crack along the valley wall was only wide enough for a young child to wedge into. Jagged brown sand rock edges, with dark green vines attempting to hide the small opening. Illuminating like a fairytale treasure chest.
The vision gone, but his fathers voice echoes clearly in his ear. "At this place, at this time, every year, the sun touches the there."
Zacks memory gets a little fuzzy after the cavern image. Twelve year-old mystified eyes, follows his fathers long tan arm, his strong hand and extended finger. To a valley peak, with a small crack opening.
The sun starts to creep behind the valley peak, a very small hole in a rock face starts to illuminate brighter and brighter. Turning his view away, every thing he saw became blurry with sun spots flickering. Shaking his head in attempt to clear his vision, he hears his father is still speaking,
".... remember this the most, you must come back here when I pass and leave this..." Zack father hands a dark blue vile of liquid into Zacks smaller adolescent hands. Following a black thread tied to its neck, betweenhis fingers, he wonders what might be inside.
"You hear me, Son?" His arm is extended in another direction. Eyes blinking, Zack turns to follow, that's when the sunlight is illuminating the cavern. "When you see, feed the water, your life duty will begin."
Chuckling to himself, digging a rolled cigarette he got from his neighbor from behind his ear. Fidgeting for his e-lighter from the charging dock, he takes a long pull. "You crazy bat always had the strangest Duties." Slowing his speed and turning down the dirt road, he sees another set of headlights a quarter mile back. Instinctively, he shuts off his lights. The car passes without slowing....

 

[Hotcappucino]

I think you actually wanted to post this in the parent forum, Story Feedback. This is the Looking for a Story? subforum, where people are posting about trying to find a particular story.

That said, here are a few comments:

• I like the imagery, with good use of colors, sight, and sounds.
• I would work on punctuation, spelling, and grammar. For example, the possessive form of Zack needs an apostrophe, like Zack's bare hands and Zack's vision. Obligations should be singular (A single obligation boiling...), because it's mentioned that there's a single one. And it should be vial (a container) instead of vile (meaning repulsive). It might seem minor to some readers, but to me it interferes with the flow of the story because I have to briefly pause to figure out what is meant.
• Try to find different ways of describing the same thing. For example, the word illuminating or illuminate is used three times. I would maybe say, "glowing like a fairytale treasure chest" for the first one, and maybe "a very small hole in a rock face starts to shine brighter and brighter" for the second.

As for whether you should keep going, for me, it depends on what the story arc is going to be. I get the idea from these few paragraphs that Zack is going to fulfill his father's wish and empty the vial at this remote location, but nothing so far is compelling enough for me to say that I want more. Can you say something about the storyline? What's the goal, and what obstacles does Zack need to overcome to reach that goal?

 

[Bramblethorn]

• I would work on punctuation, spelling, and grammar. For example, the possessive form of Zack needs an apostrophe, like Zack's bare hands and Zack's vision. Obligations should be singular (A single obligation boiling...), because it's mentioned that there's a single one. And it should be vial (a container) instead of vile (meaning repulsive). It might seem minor to some readers, but to me it interferes with the flow of the story because I have to briefly pause to figure out what is meant.

Also, tense shifts.

For instance, this is past simple tense:

The crisp night air brought a chill to Zacks bare hands. Both hands rested loosely on the steering wheel of his grey 33 Chevy E-lite.

But the next sentence is present perfect:

The open road, with the low hum of the tires, has brought Zack to an enchanted state.