Roll in the Hay

[Preachrman]

Roll in the Hay

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=221067

Is my first story with lesbians but I posted it in the voyeur category as there is another watching the lesbians. I know that it is short, but I could only think of so much for the sex scene, for my first lesbian story, without throwing the guy into it.

So let me know, either good, bad or ugly.

Also if you have the patience, take a look at a few other stories that I have tried writing.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=392801&page=submissions

 

[kbate]

Some problems.

The opening is weak, confused and does not grip the reader. Kind of "ho hum, lesbians in my barn."

Who are the girls? Why are they there? What is wrong with the car? Why the barn? So many things that could be described to make a vivid gripping opening, build some sexual tension before jumping into dykes in the hay.

The sex is vanilla lesbian sex and even though it is kind of right up my alley, didn't get my heart beating.

A point - in the voyuerism category the story 'should' be told from the viewpoint of the voyeur. i.e. James bit his lip as he watched M slip her hand into J's panties.

I did not feel the voyeurism had a lot of impact in this story, it should be his excitement that is the true story to make the category. He could be watching anything, it is the voyeur's action that matter.

The ending was weak. I wanted something else to happen, something to be said, anything. It just ended and left me thinking "huh??"

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Grammar Bitch commentary:

Try not to start sentences with "as".
Try to use stronger verbs and fewer adverbs - you use quickly, softly, gently repeatedly.
A few commas are missing in places and I would re-punctuate complete sections for flow and impact.

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Some of your other stories are much better than this one. I would recommend finding a Lit editor to help with final copy.

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

Ho Hum...women having sex....

I agree with kbate.

The most distracting thing for me was the fact that the guy doesn't seem at all surprised there are women having sex in the barn! And perhaps because he does not seem surprised, and yet there is no explanation for why he isn't surprised, he just does not seem that excited either.

There is a throw away line where he states he can't believe what he's seeing, but it doesn't really play.

As a writer, you have to sell the scene. (Hot damn! There's this guy and he's minding his own business and stumbles across two hot women...together!! Or, for this story, even hotter: Hot Damn! I was minding my own business, thinking it would be another lame-assed day on the farm...and then I entered the barn!) What I'm saying is that you need to sell the heat and most voyeurs want to really get a bird's eye view or be the character in the story with that view. And they want the guy to be as into it as they would be.

Because it's listed as voyeurism, and because James is the least interesting character, I think it would have been best served by first person. The women are, in this case and for this purpose, there to abe hot. There was a lot of headjumping or explaining why Melanie was doing this or that -- a voyeur wouldn't or shouldn't know that, although he could speculate. What a voyeur should do is convey the excitement a voyeurist would feel in that situation.

It sounds like you listed it as voyeurism because you weren't sure where else to put it. LOL, I'm having a similar issue with my stories. I think because of that it doesn't quite "hit the spot" as voyeurism.

Another issue was no reason to invest in sex between Joanna and Melanie. Since it's voyeurism, the characters don't need to be deep, but why is it good that these two are going at it? I can't picture these girls, and since this is voyeurism... I think there has to be a lot of visual detail. And who are they to James? Girls from college gives one feel...cousins to James and sisters to each other gives it another feel. Or straightlaced girlfriend and her best friend?

But you know what? I think you can write, and I would definitely read something else by you. This one didn't quite get me there though.

 

[Preachrman]

Thank you

Thank you both for your comments.

This is what happens when I get to full of myself. I rite the story and then think "Yeah it's good" and then go and post it. Even though since it was my first time writing about lesbians, I still should have gotten someone to read it over. Guess I better get off my ass and find an editor.

I was wondering is it possible to resubmit a story to literotica? because this story needs to be taken apart with a crowbar, but if I can't I will just keep your advice for the next stories I try to write.

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

Thank you both for your comments.

This is what happens when I get to full of myself. I rite the story and then think "Yeah it's good" and then go and post it. Even though since it was my first time writing about lesbians, I still should have gotten someone to read it over. Guess I better get off my ass and find an editor.

I was wondering is it possible to resubmit a story to literotica? because this story needs to be taken apart with a crowbar, but if I can't I will just keep your advice for the next stories I try to write.

Well, I know the criticism seemed harsh, but I do believe you have skill or I wouldn't have commented. Comments only help if the person has promise and ability.

Think the story could work, with minor tweaking for exposition, in another category. And I think it could work in voyeurism if it was in the first person and little more a celebration of the visual delights!

 

[CopyCarver]

Thank you both for your comments.

This is what happens when I get to full of myself. I rite the story and then think "Yeah it's good" and then go and post it. Even though since it was my first time writing about lesbians, I still should have gotten someone to read it over. Guess I better get off my ass and find an editor.

I was wondering is it possible to resubmit a story to literotica? because this story needs to be taken apart with a crowbar, but if I can't I will just keep your advice for the next stories I try to write.

Preacherman,

Sure, you can easily repost after editing. Several of "my" writers have done that after I attacked their copy not with a crowbar but with a chainsaw.

 

[Preachrman]

Preacherman,

Sure, you can easily repost after editing. Several of "my" writers have done that after I attacked their copy not with a crowbar but with a chainsaw.

Sweet, do I just resubmit the story with EDITED after the title? mmm.chainsaws.

 

[kbate]

Sweet, do I just resubmit the story with EDITED after the title? mmm.chainsaws.

I just want to advise you that my lawyers and editors agree that I have intellectual property rights to Lesbians and Chainsaws. Sort of legalistic dibs. :emoticon:

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=14150642&postcount=42

 

[Preachrman]

That reminds me of one of the "Naked Gun" movies where they are in an aduld shop and one of the main characters picks up and then fires up a chainsaw with a dildo on the end of it.

 

[chris_brown]

reply

that was Leslie Nielsen preachrman