Rock and roll story

[hotsnatch6]

Wendy and her steady boyfriend Warren were saving themselves for marriage. They had made a pledge to each other to be monogamous, faithful to each other and to wait until their wedding night before they got it on. They were also huge fans of rock and roll. They were always listening to tunes as they drove, chilled together and even as they went to the bathroom. Warren had rigged up some speakers so that when one of them had to go to the crapper, they could still hear their favorite songs while they did their business.

One day, Warren heard on the news that their favorite rock and roll band was coming to town. They bought tickets and counted down the days until the concert. They even hoped they could somehow get backstage to meet their favorite rock and rollers.

On the night of the event, they drive together to the arena, holding hands the whole way. After they entered the venue, they inquired as to how they might meet the band and maybe even have a sandwich with them. The security guard told them they needed a backstage pass and showed them where to go. He said, “Sometimes the roadies will let pretty women like you in if you flash a little tit or some shit like that.” Warren was taken aback at the idea of his prim girlfriend flashing her huge knockers to a stranger, but Wendy didn’t seem to mind. “What’s the big deal?” she said. “It’s not like they’re going to grab my ass or try to stick a finger in my virgin pussy. If they get a good look at my hooters, I say it’s worth it if we get to meet all the guys.” Warren reluctantly agreed and they headed off to where the guard told them to go.

Upon reaching the entrance to the backstage area, the guard there stopped them and told them to get the hell out of there. Just as they turned to walk away, a roadie for the band intervened and said that Wendy could go back if she was willing to “entertain the boys for awhile.” Wendy whispered in Warren’s ear that she would go back, gain the confidence of the group and then come back for him so they could both live out their rock and roll fantasies. Warren kissed her on the cheek and told her to be careful. “Remember now,” he said, “no one gets to unlock your sweet honey box but me. I want for you to be as pure as the driven snow on your bridal night so that I can be the first to plow your bushy field.” Wendy told him not to worry and followed the roadie backstage.

When she got there, she couldn’t believe it! There they were, in all their glory, her favorite rock and rollers that she had listened to since she was a little girl. The drummer came up to her and said, “OK, baby, drop your drawers and let’s see what you’ve got.’ Wendy had assumed they would want to see her boobs but she figured a quick peek at her butt was all right. So she lowered her jeans and then turned around. “Now take down those pink little panties,” the drummer shouted. “We want to see what you’re packing under there.” Wendy did as she was told, assuming a few seconds of being bare-assed would appease their lust and gain her and hey puritanical boyfriend the all access pass they sought.

As soon as she slid the waist of her panties beneath her hairy bush, the drummer and the rest of the group as well as all the roadies were on her like a flash. They took her to a makeshift bed and began working her over but good. There turned out to be 16 total guys who got their rocks off on Wendy. At one point, she was servicing 6 dicks at once: One in her pussy, one in her ass, one in her mouth, one in each hand and one drunken roadie was titty fucking her. They ravged the fuck out of her and had their way with her over and over again. She took a total of 37 loads of cum: Four in her snatch, six in her ass, eight in her mouth, five all over her tits and one kinky bastard came all over her foot. When they were done, the lead singer said, “Thanks a lot, you hot little bitch. We’ll play a great show tonight because of the way you took care of us. I haven’t busted that many nuts since the night I was humped by the butt sisters in Des Moines.”

When they were done, she was drenched in cum, sweat and cheap hooch. She slowed put her clothes back on and wondered how she would explain things to Warren. She decided to concoct a story about someone accidentally spilling a drink on her to explain why she was soaking. She was walking a little funny as she rejoined her boyfriend and her bung was a little sore. When she saw Warren, she smiled and said, “It doesn’t look like we’ll get to meet them. They have to warm up and then do the show.” Warren was disappointed but said, “That’s OK, honey. At least you tried and you came back with your honor still intact.”

Wendy wondered if she could fool Warren into thinking that she was still a virgin, but that all came to naught the next week when they logged on to the band’s website. There, beneath a review of the concert, were all the photos the manager had taken of Wendy getting gang-banged. Warren saw her with a dick up her pussy, a cock in her ass, a dong in her mouth and her hands stroking off the meaty boner of the guitar player. He tried to be philosophical about it, saying, “That’s OK, sweet cakes. I still love you anyway. And now you can teach me all the ins and outs of hot sex.”

What do I need to make this story work?

 

[CWatson]

What do I need to make this story work?

Well, first off, "story" isn't really the right word here. This is a summary. An effective one, and one that could be expanded into a story quite well; but it's not one yet.

So first off, make it longer. It might be nice if it was longer than 8 paragraphs. You should know that Literotica has a minimum word count: they won't post anything that's less than 750 words. You are over that by only 250. That's a sign.

As to how to make it longer: you need to get into the details more. Sex is a physical thing, so spend more time describing the physical sensations of it. Sex is also an emotional thing, so spend some more time getting into Wendy's head. Tell us what she feels, and how she feels about what-she-feels.

That is intertwined with my next point: Show, don't tell. Showing is depicting the action with the immediacy of a movie:

His pistol at the ready, Dan bolted up to the doorframe and gestured to Sgt. Franks that he was ready. Sgt. Franks smashed the door in with one mighty swing of the sledgehammer, and then dropped it to go for his own weapon. Dan darted in through the now-open door, joining the other soldiers already heavily engaged. He watched two tangos dropped by gunfire, saw a third rising from behind a desk, watched his own pistol come up sleek and heavy and snap off two clean shots. The man went down, clutching at his chest, spraying the ceiling with his assault rifle. Then Dan felt a tugging sensation across his buttock, and then a scream of pain; and then the floor was lurching up to meet him, and he heard Sgt. Franks: "Man down, man down!"

It was only later that he found out that the rookie had mistaken him for a threat. Thankfully it was friendly fire, as far as fire went; Koslowski had been aiming for his head.

Telling is chronicling the scene like you're a newspaper reporter or journalist:

Three insurgents were shot in the firefight, and one soldier was shot in the excitement.

Notice the difference between the two. Showing is very vivid and can make your heart pound. Telling can be very brief, which makes it good for details or events you don't really want to waste time on. Let's say your characters have a nine-hour drive in store for them: do you really want to write every second of that drive? Does The Reader want to read it? Showing can be boring too, if the thing being shown isn't especially important.

Now, here's your problem: your story is entirely Telling. Sure, it's a little over 1,000 words, but really it could be reduced to 17 words: "Wendy went to a rock concert and lost her virginity in a gang-bang with her favorite band." Do you really want to write a 17-word story? Then expand it a little! Tell less, show more!

Oh, and, use a spell checker.

 

[driphoney]

CW is right, but I do disagree with him in that I do think you've written a story. It has a beginning, a middle and an end. The problem is that it's just a narrative. It might get you a good grade in English essay writing, but it's not going to pull a reader into the story, just as CW says.

And when you've expanded your story, added all the detail that you want, get a volunteer editor to catch all those grammar mistakes we all make. I think your grammar is really pretty good, but there were a couple of things.

Best of wishes on your writing future.

 

[hotsnatch6]

Thank you both for your feedback. I really appreciate it.

 

[JoshuaGlynn]

As soon as she slid the waist of her panties beneath her hairy bush, the drummer and the rest of the group as well as all the roadies were on her like a flash. They took her to a makeshift bed and began working her over but good. There turned out to be 16 total guys who got their rocks off on Wendy. At one point, she was servicing 6 dicks at once: One in her pussy, one in her ass, one in her mouth, one in each hand and one drunken roadie was titty fucking her. They ravged the fuck out of her and had their way with her over and over again. She took a total of 37 loads of cum: Four in her snatch, six in her ass, eight in her mouth, five all over her tits and one kinky bastard came all over her foot. When they were done, the lead singer said, “Thanks a lot, you hot little bitch. We’ll play a great show tonight because of the way you took care of us. I haven’t busted that many nuts since the night I was humped by the butt sisters in Des Moines.”

The contents of this paragraph, should take up at least a third to a half of your story. Just sayin...

Josh

 

[ericahope]

What do I need to make this story work?

Well, CW has some very good points. The sex scene paragraph reads like a policy report. And it's way too short. This is supposed to be erotica. It's over before any reader has time to get aroused.

Getting an editor will be helpful too. The spelling and grammar mistakes kind of jar me out of the story. Also, don't use Arabic numerals in place of words. (i.e. use twenty-four instead of 24).

As for content... Believability is key for me. There are three plot aspects that I think need to be worked out some how:

1) It's very very hard for me to understand why a woman who has been so devoted to her man to save herself for marriage would suddenly engage in this type of behavior. What's her motivation? That she really really likes this rock band? At least tell us what's so likable about these guys.

2) That a virgin, no matter how drunk or infatuated with another man or men, would engage in this wild sex act. It's just so over-the-top. I can definitely see a virgin, who's saving herself for her man, get seduced by another man. That's totally believable, but this? hmmm...

3) That the man would just shrug it off after seeing his gal plastered all over the internet having an orgy with this band. Again, totally unbelievable. There's no character development here that would lead me to believe he'd react this way. You need to write more about him - does he secretly desire that his wife sleep with other men to break her out of some Puritanical state? Or perhaps he is secretly sleeping with lots of people behind her back and wishes she would be open to the idea? Something...

Well, those are my quick thoughts...I hope they're helpful and not too critical.

Erica

 

[lloydbon]

Wendy and her steady boyfriend Warren were saving themselves for marriage. They had made a pledge to each other to be monogamous, faithful to each other and to wait until their wedding night before they got it on. They were also huge fans of rock and roll. They were always listening to tunes as they drove, chilled together and even as they went to the bathroom. Warren had rigged up some speakers so that when one of them had to go to the crapper, they could still hear their favorite songs while they did their business.

One day, Warren heard on the news that their favorite rock and roll band was coming to town. They bought tickets and counted down the days until the concert. They even hoped they could somehow get backstage to meet their favorite rock and rollers.

On the night of the event, they drive together to the arena, holding hands the whole way. After they entered the venue, they inquired as to how they might meet the band and maybe even have a sandwich with them. The security guard told them they needed a backstage pass and showed them where to go. He said, “Sometimes the roadies will let pretty women like you in if you flash a little tit or some shit like that.” Warren was taken aback at the idea of his prim girlfriend flashing her huge knockers to a stranger, but Wendy didn’t seem to mind. “What’s the big deal?” she said. “It’s not like they’re going to grab my ass or try to stick a finger in my virgin pussy. If they get a good look at my hooters, I say it’s worth it if we get to meet all the guys.” Warren reluctantly agreed and they headed off to where the guard told them to go.

Upon reaching the entrance to the backstage area, the guard there stopped them and told them to get the hell out of there. Just as they turned to walk away, a roadie for the band intervened and said that Wendy could go back if she was willing to “entertain the boys for awhile.” Wendy whispered in Warren’s ear that she would go back, gain the confidence of the group and then come back for him so they could both live out their rock and roll fantasies. Warren kissed her on the cheek and told her to be careful. “Remember now,” he said, “no one gets to unlock your sweet honey box but me. I want for you to be as pure as the driven snow on your bridal night so that I can be the first to plow your bushy field.” Wendy told him not to worry and followed the roadie backstage.

When she got there, she couldn’t believe it! There they were, in all their glory, her favorite rock and rollers that she had listened to since she was a little girl. The drummer came up to her and said, “OK, baby, drop your drawers and let’s see what you’ve got.’ Wendy had assumed they would want to see her boobs but she figured a quick peek at her butt was all right. So she lowered her jeans and then turned around. “Now take down those pink little panties,” the drummer shouted. “We want to see what you’re packing under there.” Wendy did as she was told, assuming a few seconds of being bare-assed would appease their lust and gain her and hey puritanical boyfriend the all access pass they sought.

As soon as she slid the waist of her panties beneath her hairy bush, the drummer and the rest of the group as well as all the roadies were on her like a flash. They took her to a makeshift bed and began working her over but good. There turned out to be 16 total guys who got their rocks off on Wendy. At one point, she was servicing 6 dicks at once: One in her pussy, one in her ass, one in her mouth, one in each hand and one drunken roadie was titty fucking her. They ravged the fuck out of her and had their way with her over and over again. She took a total of 37 loads of cum: Four in her snatch, six in her ass, eight in her mouth, five all over her tits and one kinky bastard came all over her foot. When they were done, the lead singer said, “Thanks a lot, you hot little bitch. We’ll play a great show tonight because of the way you took care of us. I haven’t busted that many nuts since the night I was humped by the butt sisters in Des Moines.”

When they were done, she was drenched in cum, sweat and cheap hooch. She slowed put her clothes back on and wondered how she would explain things to Warren. She decided to concoct a story about someone accidentally spilling a drink on her to explain why she was soaking. She was walking a little funny as she rejoined her boyfriend and her bung was a little sore. When she saw Warren, she smiled and said, “It doesn’t look like we’ll get to meet them. They have to warm up and then do the show.” Warren was disappointed but said, “That’s OK, honey. At least you tried and you came back with your honor still intact.”

Wendy wondered if she could fool Warren into thinking that she was still a virgin, but that all came to naught the next week when they logged on to the band’s website. There, beneath a review of the concert, were all the photos the manager had taken of Wendy getting gang-banged. Warren saw her with a dick up her pussy, a cock in her ass, a dong in her mouth and her hands stroking off the meaty boner of the guitar player. He tried to be philosophical about it, saying, “That’s OK, sweet cakes. I still love you anyway. And now you can teach me all the ins and outs of hot sex.”

What do I need to make this story work?

Your stories are so GD hilarious.

 

[lloydbon]

Well, first off, "story" isn't really the right word here. This is a summary. An effective one, and one that could be expanded into a story quite well; but it's not one yet.

So first off, make it longer. It might be nice if it was longer than 8 paragraphs. You should know that Literotica has a minimum word count: they won't post anything that's less than 750 words. You are over that by only 250. That's a sign.

As to how to make it longer: you need to get into the details more. Sex is a physical thing, so spend more time describing the physical sensations of it. Sex is also an emotional thing, so spend some more time getting into Wendy's head. Tell us what she feels, and how she feels about what-she-feels.

That is intertwined with my next point: Show, don't tell. Showing is depicting the action with the immediacy of a movie:

Telling is chronicling the scene like you're a newspaper reporter or journalist:

Notice the difference between the two. Showing is very vivid and can make your heart pound. Telling can be very brief, which makes it good for details or events you don't really want to waste time on. Let's say your characters have a nine-hour drive in store for them: do you really want to write every second of that drive? Does The Reader want to read it? Showing can be boring too, if the thing being shown isn't especially important.

Now, here's your problem: your story is entirely Telling. Sure, it's a little over 1,000 words, but really it could be reduced to 17 words: "Wendy went to a rock concert and lost her virginity in a gang-bang with her favorite band." Do you really want to write a 17-word story? Then expand it a little! Tell less, show more!

Oh, and, use a spell checker.

Those are some sweet knockers you have there. It's a toss up between you and Anna Nicole Smith as to which ones are better. Since she's dead, I give the nod to you.

 

[hotsnatch6]

Those are some sweet knockers you have there. It's a toss up between you and Anna Nicole Smith as to which ones are better. Since she's dead, I give the nod to you.

Who are you referring to?