Riddle Me This? (Open thread to bring your jokes of all kinds)

[Donalddeutsch]

Riddle me This?

An open thread for you to post your craziest, Dirtiest, raunchiest and even cleanest jokes, riddles, whatever. I figure that everyone has one of those to add, and we won't flame you for racist or bad taste jokes. This is just for fun.

 

[musicankane]

A guy is waiting in line to get a drink at his hotel's bar. It's crowded and everyones is kinda bunched together. As the line moves he accidently hits a woman in the breast with his elbow. He turned and she is gorgeous so he says.

"Oh my god miss, I'm so sorry but I know that if your beautiful heart is as soft as your breast you'll forgive me."

The woman smiles and replies. "If you dick is as hard as your elbow...I'm in room 223."

 

[DaisyBuchanan]

corny but cute...

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?



Usually, you get an onion with very long ears but sometimes, on rare occasions,
if you are very lucky, you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

If you have to have big breat to work at hotters.. what about the woman with one leg?

They work at IHOP.

 

[wehstar]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

 

[Eiselmann]

Stu took his missus Sheila to the Easter Show in Auckland and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." Sheila playfully nudged Stu in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." Sheila gave Stu a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." Sheila, so excited that her elbow nearly broke Stu's ribs, said, That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."

Stu looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

 

[stubborn wench]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

Ewww-ww-www!


What's stiff, long and white going in and soft, pink and sticky coming out?



Bubblegum. What did you think, slutty-head?

 

[Donalddeutsch]

Thank you

Thank you everyone for your jokes and riddles so far. I have read each and every one, and have gotten a chuckle out of them. Here's my entry into my own thread.

What get's wetter and wetter the more it dries?

A Towel.

What did the blonde say to her boyfriend when he blew in her ear?

Thanks for the fill up.

 

[gagonthis]

A Harvard Professor and a sailor on the Titanic are having a discussion.
"How many languages do you speak sir?" The professor asks.
"One, and not very well." The sailor replies.
"For shame sir! For every language you speak you are a different person! I myself speak 17 languages fluently!" The professor replied.
A few hours later the Titanic strikes the iceberg and sinks. The sailor is in a lifeboat when he sees the professor floundering the water ahead of him. He jumps out, swims over to the guy and drags him onto the lifeboat.
"17 different people and not a single one of you can swim?"

 

[landiek]

Two friends were working on his 65 Vette when he asks his slightly slow pothead friend for a tool. His friend smiles and says "Sure Dude."

An hour later he came back with a hot looking red head with oversized boobs.
"Here ya go, one wench." The pothead grinned then left the pair alone.

The car owner looks the woman over and then asks. "Do you know the difference between a wrench and a wench?"

Thank goodness she wasn't a blonde....

 

[Safefunguy]

senior humor

Three little old ladies, Martha, Louise and Emma are sitting on a park bench. A flasher walks up to them and opens his trenchcoat.

Martha almost instantly had a stroke. Lousie had a stroke as well.

Emma, well she refused to touch it.

 

[Safefunguy]

senior humor II

Myrtle and Ethel are rocking on the porch of their retirement home. They are talking about the old days with small smiles on their faces.

Myrtle turns to Ethel and asks: "Ethel, do you remember the minuet?"

Ethel replies: "At my age, I'm lucky to remember the ones I slept with!"

 

[Numenous]

Man walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his testicles. The bartender quirks an eyebrow.

"Do you know you've got a steering wheel tied to your balls?"

"Oh, yeah - it's driving me nuts"

 

[Mephistophelily]

In with the old folks joke...

2 elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch of the nursing home, talking away, when the first turns to the other with a frown. "We've been friends for awhile now, but for the life of me I just can't remember your name!"
The other glares at her, going silent for awhile, then looks back at her. "How soon do you need to know?"

 

[Mephistophelily]

Not a joke, but...

How to have fun in a public restroom, from Sky Sands
Most people seem to have troubles with bodily functions if someone else is in the restroom. Its a natural thing, which leaves it open to have some fun with...

When you're done and your "roomie" is waiting for you to leave so they can finish, wash your hands and start whistling.
As you go to the door, continue whistling.
Open the door, and quiet your whistling.
Stop whistling when the door closes... but don't leave.
...And now your "Roomie" will let the fireworks free! Wooopie!

Join his celebration!
Start whistling again! Loudly!!!
They'll be so happy I bet they'll scream!

 

[Mephistophelily]

http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l44/randomlyblurted/meatcakes.jpg

 

[landiek]

In with the old folks joke...

2 elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch of the nursing home, talking away, when the first turns to the other with a frown. "We've been friends for awhile now, but for the life of me I just can't remember your name!"
The other glares at her, going silent for awhile, then looks back at her. "How soon do you need to know?"

What is sad that sounds like my roommate when his amonia levels are high

He knows me.. knows we had kinky sex.. I was one of his slaves.. but can't remember my name.

I callled him by his name and he replies "Oh is that who I am now a days?"

 

[roleplaylifer]

Limericks?

There was a young man named Clyde
Who fell into an outhouse and died.
He had a young brother
Who fell into the other
And now they're interred side by side.

 

[landiek]

There was a slut called Muffy
Who liked to have her cunt stuffied
So those with big dicks are truly outlicked
Then those made of rubber and wire stuffing