RFC: Story Flow

[evilernie]

Hi,

I am just starting this story and I thought about starting the story with the sexy scene and then give a little background and then back to the sexy scene. Of course, I could have said something like "a few minutes earlier" or something like that but I want to know if I can pull it off without it.

So here is what I have so far. Please let me know if it left you scratching your head.

Thanks,

--------------------------

“This has to stop! I don’t want to have anything to do with you! Just leave me alone!” I brushed her hand away as she started to caress my face. She seemed unfazed and closed the gap between us. “Did you kill your husband? Oh my God!”

She managed to unbutton the first two rungs on my shirt before I grabbed her wrist. “You’re pure evil. Please get away from me and my family.” When I try to push her away, she raised her legs and wrapped it around me, grinding her crotch into mine.

“Please don’t do this.” She pressed a finger unto my lips and smirked. She lifted my chin, so that I stare at her hazel eyes. They are so hypnotic. I feel myself grow weak. She untangled my hand from her wrist and place it on her ample breast, guiding my fingers to knead her warm flesh. She moaned, but I know that was meant to inflame my lust. I have never been able to resist her and she knows it.

At this moment, I am leaning against the back of our sofa headrest. She is on top of me, with her fiery red hair glowing from the foyer chandelier behind her. Other than that none of the lights are on. The scene is so eerie, to which the flicker of embers from the fireplace reflect off those bright pupils of hers.

She licked her lips as she relish my agony to keep control. She knows how to tease me with those lips, inching them closer unto mine while she untangle my belt and unzip my pants. I can feel her hot breath on my nostrils, while her eyes never lost their grip on mine as she skillfully capture her prey. “Please..” I managed to utter, as my will to resist dissipates and I surrendered by slowly closing my eyes, despite seeing her evil predatory smile before enclosing her lips on mine.

But this is not a dream, it’s real. I just got home from a business trip to find Elena in my house. I was just about to ask her what’s going on when I heard knocks on my door. Cops!? I looked at Elena and she placed a finger on her lips and shakes her head. She disappeared into the shadows as I opened the door. They started by introducing themselves and informed me that my next door neighbor is dead. I stepped out and we discussed the gory details. Apparently, the maid found him and there is no sign of the wife, Elena.

Obviously, I wasn’t much help since I just got home. Well, that a lie, isn’t it? I might be harboring a a criminal. “Might” is not even be a proper word to use, because the chill in my spine tells me that she did it. I took deep breaths as I watch the detectives head back to their car.

 

[Etaski]

That works as it is; no head-scratching here.

And an explicit "few minutes earlier" would seem a bit trite, like a caption in a hero comic book. Don't add that.

The only recommendation I'd make is in the tense:

"I just got just home from a business trip" could be "I had just gotten home from a business trip" which sets that event apart slightly from the current action on the couch. In fact, it tells the reader "this paragraph happened a few moments ago" without having to actually say so. You'd need a few more "hads" in the rest of the paragraph though to stay consistent...

"Obviously I hadn't been much help since I just got home..."

 

[nakdsub]

tense is right...

Holy Cow, you go between past and present back and forth like crazy. Make up your mind, is it happening now, or did it happen a few minutes before, then stick with it.

 

[NikkiBastion]

Or, use italics for past tense stuff and normal for current stuff.

 

[evilernie]

Thanks guys and gals.

 

[Bleedyearsnixon]

I would say push all this stuff further back in the story. Like any story, erotic fiction is dependent on the writer explaining why the reader should care about the characters, particularly the ones that are doing the fucking. The setting, the characters, and the plot are all things that should enter into the story before any type of eroticism happens, otherwise it can become rote and mechanical fucking. Take for example the cliched line:

I inched my hungry cock into her inviting pussy.

Alone this line will do nothing for most people who like to read erotic fiction. But if you put a context to it you will tell the reader why this matters, why it is erotic, and you will see that lines such as the one above, as cliched as they are, populate a variety of popular stories and work effectively because of this.

So I guess what I'm saying in short is put the story and background first, build up to the fucking, and then get to the messy stuff.