Reworked "Model" story

[Bluegray]

Another shameless attempt to get some help making my stories "a better read." I worked with an editor on this and I believe she helped. Please let me know what you all think.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=22695

 

[ellynei]

Another shameless attempt to get some help making my stories "a better read."

Right uhm, you will have to give a moment, or a few minutes. I just read it and need some time for my bloodflow to be redirected to my brain again, rather than - uhm - certain other parts of my body.

(Is it hot in here or is it just me?)

 

[ellynei]

righty back to business

There was a thing that gave me some trouble reading it near the start of the story.

The transition from the first intro-scene (first paragraph) to background story was confusing, for me. I think that could very easily be solved by some little subsection symbol (not pro enough to know what that is called but something like):

--~~~((0))~~~--

So it is easy for me as a reader to notice we are moving to another place and time.

If I misunderstood and the story is still in the studio with the first nude model present and all maybe add a single line somewhere in first or second paragraph telling the characters are in George's studio? (I might be the only reader dense enough to not catch on to that easily, but then again maybe not).


Otherwise in my personal preference id like one of those subsection parting thingies between each of the days she goes to model for him, but it's not really important, and I'm not sure how others would feel about it.


I really enjoyed this story, good stuff, good job. (hot job).

Thank you for it

 

[Bluegray]

There was a thing that gave me some trouble reading it near the start of the story.

The transition from the first intro-scene (first paragraph) to background story was confusing, for me. I think that could very easily be solved by some little subsection symbol (not pro enough to know what that is called but something like):


Yes, I missed making the scene clearly in Georges studio. Those are the things I miss in proof reading.
Thanks for enlightening me, and for the kind comments.

 

[where]

Is the ending different? I don't remember it ending like that at all!


It's still hot though

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Well beyond being way too long, your first paragraph is mostly discription and rather disinteresting. Then you jumped into a gender/POV switch that was disconcerting -

When I arrived the second day, he was already at work roughing out the forms. "Today you will pose in short sittings, Marie...

Your POV for this story is First Person... that means YOU. You can't have two people in first person without telling the reader you are changing. That's a problem a lot of writers have to learn. If you want to do this it would be better written in Third Person.

You had a good idea for a story, your technical writing is okay, but your long paragraphs (anything over 6 or 8 screen lines) and POV switching ruined the story.

 

[ellynei]

quote:
When I arrived the second day, he was already at work roughing out the forms. "Today you will pose in short sittings, Marie...


I = the female art student, who is the I during the whole story

he = the art teacher

I don't understand where there is a PoV issue?

--I read it like this---
When the Female Art Student arrived the second day, the Art Teacher was already at work roughing out the forms. "Today you will pose in short sittings, Marie...
--------------

Somebody explain please?

 

[sr71plt]

Yes, I can explain--but won't. It has nothing to do with the author or the story.

No, there's nothing wrong with POV in this story--or with anything else in the story. I thought it was pretty good.

 

[ellynei]

thank you sr71

(edited: I meant for clearing my confusion, regarding PoV)

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Yes, I can explain--but won't. It has nothing to do with the author or the story.

No, there's nothing wrong with POV in this story--or with anything else in the story. I thought it was pretty good.

Sorry to disagree, SR, but it's disconcerting.

His first paragraph,

I struggled to draw the arch of the naked model's back. She was leaning to the rear, against the wall, with her feet forward and head below her arms. She was voluptuous with soft round breasts, full thighs, and a cleanly shaved crotch...

That is from the POV of the artist talking about drawing the model. The second aragraph changes the POV without warning -

I had been taking drawing and carving lessons from George for four months. He was a well-known sculptor, creating mostly big lovely nudes. Some of his constructions were definitely erotic to my eye, but perhaps my view came from my strict upbringing and prudishness. Nonetheless, I really wanted to be a sculptor and I yearned to work on nudes in much the same style. He was an excellent teacher with a great commercial reputation so if I became a known student of his I might have a chance of success.

Sorry. That's confused to us mere mortals.

Oh, and did I mention sixteen paragraphs that begin with I and five that are longer than ten screen lines?

 

[ellynei]

I read the first paragraph as the female art student making a model of the female model.

However, when it can be read the other way, im sure the author is glad to be made aware of it.

Thanks for coming back to thread and clearing up the misunderstanding JJ

 

[Anna_Malia75]

I didn't have a POV problem either; there wasn't anything inconsistent with the whole story being narrated by the woman who's learning how to draw and sculpt from George, and later pose for George.

What did give me a problem was a sort of clumsiness of language.

The arch was so difficult to render believably, however my main problem was her sex. Looking at her displayed pussy disturbed me, yet it made me think erotic thoughts. I always left the "private parts" until the end of the session, because I got so turned on each time I concentrated on them. Somehow I was still uncomfortable focusing on another person's sexual equipment, nevertheless it did arouse me. It seemed much easier to sketch when a woman had a full bush, but this model was showing all her lips and folds, so I avoided looking there until absolutely necessary to finish the drawing.

Four of the five sentences here have the same structure. A, but B. And if you hadn't used "however" and "nevertheless," which don't really fit in those sentences (because neither are really synonyms for "but" or "yet"), it probably would have been a bit more obvious to you.

You spend the third paragraph "telling" a conversation, including "George . . . told me he knew of my financial problems." If you don't want to actually render the dialogue, and I think that this would have been a perfect place for a set of dialogue to break up the early description and admit the reader into the world of your characters, it might have been better as something like, "George found a quiet moment to tell me that he had overheard me talking about financial problems."

Finally, some of the dialogue was a little forced. "You inspire such spicy emotions that everyone seeing it will feel your heat." Inspire in the artist? And what's a spicy emotion? Does he mean that he, the artist, will have no trouble sculpting her in a way that is arousing? The other one that inspired more chuckles than you probably wanted was "Oh, please caress me harder. Please make me come." Caress is such a soft word (and you used it to good effect in the preceding sentence!), and has such soft connotations. I think that "touch" or "press" or "do it" might have been more descriptive here.

Hope this was helpful. I thought the story was very well done in general. I would have perhaps liked just a little more detail about the growth in her exhibitionism and the diminution of her self-described prudishness. It seemed a little quick.

 

[sr71plt]

Sorry to disagree, SR, but it's disconcerting.

His first paragraph, That is from the POV of the artist talking about drawing the model. The second aragraph changes the POV without warning -

Sorry. That's confused to us mere mortals.

Oh, and did I mention sixteen paragraphs that begin with I and five that are longer than ten screen lines?

Whether you found it disconcerting or not, there's no slip of POV, which is what you claimed. You just don't understand POV.

Both of the examples you give are the same person--the narrator "I"--she's first drawing a model and then becoming a model. The confusion is yours.

 

[where]

The other one that inspired more chuckles than you probably wanted was "Oh, please caress me harder. Please make me come." Caress is such a soft word (and you used it to good effect in the preceding sentence!), and has such soft connotations. I think that "touch" or "press" or "do it" might have been more descriptive here.

I actually really loved the paradox of this. You are being caressed but you want it harder... no, lighter... no harder... It's the kind of thing I would say anyway

 

[sr71plt]

I actually really loved the paradox of this. You are being caressed but you want it harder... no, lighter... no harder... It's the kind of thing I would say anyway

Yep, I agree. I thought it was an interesting play with the sensations.

 

[tickledkitty]

I really liked this a lot. Yes, there was a bit of awkwardness, as Anna said, but overall, it's good.

I noticed you started 16 paragraphs with "I". This is a problem with using first person, but it can be overcome. I'm sure you started many more sentences that way. Look for ways to vary this.

I was having difficulty paying for the classes and began asking other students if they knew of any well paying jobs.

The classes were becoming difficult to pay for, so I began asking other students if they knew of any well paying jobs. Just to change it up a bit.

I really liked where she referred to George as the master. That was a clever little nod to the BDSM aspect.

The ending seemed a little weak to me. Again, I felt it could have been drawn out a bit more.

Again, it's good. My comments here are just picky little points that I feel would polish it up and are only my opinion. Hope this is helpful.

 

[Bluegray]

Thanks all for the help and criticism. I will try to learn from your comments. Hopefully my next story will be better.