Rewards vs Punishments

[Sir1765]

Thank You in advance

I am getting back into Dom/ sub lifestyle with sub (wife).
I was wondering about what is used for rewards and what is used for punishments. It seems what I thought was a punishment she likes, so its a reward in her mind, I need to change that.

Please give examples

Sir1765

 

[Hisscarlett]

Master doesn't use pain as a punishment for me as I enjoy pain.

Instead he uses the things I dread most, either sending me out of the room and not letting me be near him or by using me and then despite letting me orgasm not orgasming himself. He also, in early days, gave me a lecture that culminated in "now decide if you want to continue as my slave.". These are the most severe as I need to be near Master and being sent from him is so hard to bear. Also knowing that he has not orgasmed because of my behaviour is something I find unbearable. And the very idea of not belonging to him, not being his slave, brought me to my senses instantly, though he did not permit me to see him for a full day.

He also has, at times, ordered me to strip and kneel in an upright position with my hands behind my head until he decides I have learnt the lesson. Sensory deprivation is another theme he adopts, with blindfolds etc leaving me in a certain position until he decides. The not knowing how long it will last is part of the punishment. He knows I am afraid of the dark and am claustrophobic so he is careful not to use anything that will induce those feelings of fear as he is looking to correct me not terrify me. There are other punishments but it has been so long since he has had cause to punish me that right now I cannot recall them.

The first two I have mentioned are the most severe and effective, for me. I think that you need to discover what works with your sub, everyone is wired differently and things affect us differently.

I wish you both everything wonderful on your journey together.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thank You in advance

I am getting back into Dom/ sub lifestyle with sub (wife).
I was wondering about what is used for rewards and what is used for punishments. It seems what I thought was a punishment she likes, so its a reward in her mind, I need to change that.

Please give examples

Sir1765

Are you talking about punishment or discipline? IMO there is a difference between the two.

 

[myinnerslut]

It seems what I thought was a punishment she likes, so its a reward in her mind, I need to change that.

do you mean you need to change the way she perceives the activity or the way you classify the activity? it seems the latter would be more effective.

when talking D/s punishment(or discipline, which i think is more appropritae for this example) and reward, think the equivelent to the psychological concept of reinforcement. the discipline is designed to decrease the chance of something happening (or as a response to something bad that has happened) the reward is to encourage something. if you keep that basic concept in mind it should not be too difficult to think of some things.

discipline: what doesnt she (or you, you dont want to chose something you enjoy) like.

-lecture
-allow her to know how disappointed you are
-if it warrants it, stop making discussions for her
are you D/s outside the bedroom? if so it can be something as simple as having her do a chore she does not like.

reward: something she enjoys that will encourage the behavior she has shown

-a favorite activity (caning, waxplay, etc)
-allowing her to curl up with you and spend time with you
-simply being told she is a good girl and you are proud of her

 

[catalina_francisco]

Short answer is you need to talk about it together and come up with what would work. What works for one, won't work for another, hence it is more important to communicate with each other than strangers. For instance, some here say pain doesn't work for them because they are masochists and enjoy pain. I OTOH am also a masochist who has orgasmed from painlay, but believe me, if it is pain given as a punishment, it is psychologically far from pleasureable, and also physically more painful than when given in happier moments...and of course, there are levels of pain which can be used which go beyond the pleasureable level. I can honestly say I have never felt pleasure when punished with pain, partly because I know I have displeased him which changes everything.

Similarly, suggestions of isolation or not speaking may work for some, while for others may do more to damage the relationship on various levels. It is all about the people involved, not any prescribed list of perfect rewards, disciplines and punishments ina one-size-fits-all manner. This could be a good exercise to get to know each other better and help the D/s relationship grow.

Catalina

 

[ixpect]

It is a weird dynamic because the things that are normally used for discipline, such as ass beatings with belt or stick, hair pulling, rough treatment, etc. I enjoy and crave so they are ineffective discipline tools. One we have found that I truly can't stand, and do anything to avoid is sleep deprivation. Sometimes as a mind fuck, he will combine the sleep deprivation with the "discipline" that I like, such as a lengthy rough sex session, complete with an ass beating. But the simple act of getting awakened every so often throughout the night is enough to keep me in line and reinforce who is really in charge.

 

[Sqoodd]

I agree with most of the posts.

Find out what she likes and dislikes then use them appropriately. I knew a sub that did not like to let other people know she was a sub. Thus her Master only needed to mention the fact that she would be wearing her collar in public to bring her back in line.

Pain did not work on her either, Hisscarlet.

 

[Sir1765]

Thank You all for your responses.

As usual you all have opened my eyes with your words of wisdom. I really like the idea of having her gives me suggestions of what her Discipline (more appropriate term) should be, it will definately make her think. I know that in itself will be a nice form of disipline..