Revisions

[NeonSubtlety]

I thought it might be a good idea to make a place for people to display revisions, and open up their newer work for further critique without answering the question, "is this worthy of resubmission?"

Nostalgia


Laying in the backyard, hot from fruit wine and Spring, I study
the soft packets of my lips and recall summer camps at St. Mary’s,

running dandelions and blades of toothpick sandpaper cross my cheeks,
embracing closed lids, tracing the round of my childish bones—

the first introduction with indulgence, a relationship now with history
and the fester built on twenty years of abuse and entitlement.

I could cry for the blues forgotten by the sky and the dead weight of my face.

Nostalgia


Lying in the backyard,
hot from fruit wine and Spring,
I study the soft packets of my lips
and recall Summer camps at St. Mary’s,

running dandelions and blades
of woven sandpaper over closed lids,
sneaking in the crevices,
tracing the round of my childish bones.

I could cry for the blues
forgotten by the sky and the dead
weight of my face.

 

[butters]

well there is already the Poetry in Progress thread, but i see no problem with this one being here too.

I absolutely love your second version of this write, Nostalgia, NS. it is quite beautiful - and the two surprising images of 'soft packets of my lips' and 'the dead weight of my face' are the more surprising because they are immediately identifiable as familiar! i'm sure we're not alone in understanding those sensations - the real physical presence of flesh, its aging, its ... corporeal self.

one suggestion:

sneaking in the crevices

to

sneaking into crevices