Revised story: Ravaged by the Roadside

[omegaxypher]

Well after a few years of letting this story stagnate in its terrible state I finally got around to giving it at serious makeover. Feel free to take a look if you are into the Erotic Horror type of read but I must warn that this story is not for the squeamish as I do note before the story starts.

http://www.literotica.com/s/ravaged-on-the-roadside

I would love to hear all feedback that anyone has for me!

 

[omegaxypher]

Oh man, no feedback at all. I don't know what to make of this.

 

[sr71plt]

Can't imagine why. You made it sound like such fun.

 

[_Lynn_]

This will be short. I started the story but struggled to continue mainly because of the repetition. The first page has fourteen paragraphs beginning with her name, leaving thirteen that don't.

You took five paragraphs to tell us she ran out of gas in a wooded area at night. Oh, and that her cell phone didn't work (go figure). Yet there isn't anything memorable about those paragraphs.

You made a point of saying how unprepared she was yet she had a gas can in the trunk. I don't think that goes together.

If it is a camping trip with friends, then why is she alone?

The punctuation errors in the story distracted me from what I was reading.

 

[kbate]

The disclaimer about blood was unnecessary as the violence was not that graphic (other than a werewolf rape).

What distracted me was the overblown descriptions and jumping around in tense and viewpoint. Repeatedly telling me she is "victoria" yea! her name did not change, when 'she' could easily have saved a lit page.

Lines like this:
She pulls the vehicle over with its last moments of momentum before fully stopping.

Could read: She coasted to a stop beside the road. I know that does not have the moments of momentum to make it momentous but it saves words and says the same thing.

This sort of problem went on throughout the story, words for the sake of words.

The sex was sex - with the exception of huge voluminous orgasms, fairly normal for the genre.

Also plenty of punctuation and missing word problems.

All in all, nothing an editor cannot polish up into a decent story, the writing is good enough if not spectacular, the story is OK but really just your standard werewolf rape scene. It really doesn't fit into 'erotic horror' as it wasn't horrible and wasn't erotic. It probably should be in non-human.

 

[lovecraft68]

I suppose this circumvents the rape because its a make believe creature right?

I used to think it was sick enough guys can stroke to an actual rape story but now we get bestiality thrown on as well.

The repitition ML called out is really you just trying to stretch out the limited premise to get to the rape scene.

 

[PennLady]

Actually the rape is circumvented -- it appears -- b/c the victim does enjoy it. There are several sentences, at least on the first page, that talk about the pleasure she's getting from it.

(Hmm -- ETA that skimming forward, she does have an orgasm. OTOH it doesn't end well for her although she is not killed.)

I got to page two, but I couldn't continue either. It's a personal thing, I know, but I find nothing erotic about being attacked by a stranger, werewolf or not. If nothing else, it's hard to believe that someone is going to swing from being utterly terrified to on the verge of an orgasm in a few sentences.

There is much too much detail, IMO, in the first page. What happens is: Victoria runs out of gas, has no cell signal, decides to walk with her empty gas can, and regrets her situation. We do not not need to know every single thing she does or thought she has. It slows the story down.

Here's one example of too much description and an awkward sentence:

Grabbing the red fuel container Victoria feels the near weightlessness of it completely void of fuel

You could have accomplished the same, and perhaps more, with a sentence like:

Victoria groaned as she grabbed the empty gasoline container. Since it's nighttime and there are no streetlights, the color isn't important (and I'd guess a lot of people would envision it as red, anyway).

I don't think present tense did you any favors, either, but you were consistent with it, so that's good.

A sentence like this:

Victoria makes her way for the gas station feeling more than a little worried about her decision the moment the car is well behind her watching wisps of fog curling around in the forest as it reaches out to her with spectral fingers.

It seems to go in too many directions, and could use a few commas but better still could be broken up into two or three sentences.

A few things just didn't work: the tip of his cock is as "big as a softball"? Have you seen a softball? Big as a baseball would be bad enough. Her "succulent fake breasts?" I have no problem with succulent ones, or fake ones, but why does it even need to be mentioned that they are fake?

 

[omegaxypher]

Oh wow ask and you will receive!

Thank you for your time in reading my story and letting me know that I still need to work on my writing a great deal it seems.

MistressLynn

This will be short. I started the story but struggled to continue mainly because of the repetition. The first page has fourteen paragraphs beginning with her name, leaving thirteen that don't.

Forgive me for the repetition but I always thought when you started a new paragraph you reestablished the character with his or her name. I guess this would only be necessary when you actually have multiple characters. Thank you for pointing this error out.

You took five paragraphs to tell us she ran out of gas in a wooded area at night. Oh, and that her cell phone didn't work (go figure). Yet there isn't anything memorable about those paragraphs.

You made a point of saying how unprepared she was yet she had a gas can in the trunk. I don't think that goes together.

If it is a camping trip with friends, then why is she alone?

I guess I mistook adding tension with senseless filler I could have easily trimmed that down in hindsight and I added some glaring plot holes to boot! Cell phones do need receiver towers to work though. I was just making a silly horror reference.

The punctuation errors in the story distracted me from what I was reading.

I really wish you could point me in the direction of the errors you found since I clearly missed them. I need to know what exactly I did wrong so I do not repeat the same mistake. I would greatly appreciate if you took the time to point them out to me.

Again thank you for your time MistressLynn!


kbate

The disclaimer about blood was unnecessary as the violence was not that graphic (other than a werewolf rape).

Silly in hindsight when the category is Erotic Horror.

What distracted me was the overblown descriptions and jumping around in tense and viewpoint. Repeatedly telling me she is "victoria" yea! her name did not change, when 'she' could easily have saved a lit page.

Tense and viewpoint errors are distressing I will need to be more diligent on that. The repeating of Victoria's name was certainly an error that will not be duplicated when there is a singular female character.

Lines like this:
She pulls the vehicle over with its last moments of momentum before fully stopping.

Could read: She coasted to a stop beside the road. I know that does not have the moments of momentum to make it momentous but it saves words and says the same thing.

'last moments of momentum' UGH, I wrote that...

This sort of problem went on throughout the story, words for the sake of words.

The sex was sex - with the exception of huge voluminous orgasms, fairly normal for the genre.

Also plenty of punctuation and missing word problems.

It seems I have a bad habit of padding out my story with filler rather than actual content I will try to improve on that in the future.

Could you please point out the errors that you did find? I would really like to see what I missed so that I can improve on my writing. I would greatly appreciate the help if you could take the time!

All in all, nothing an editor cannot polish up into a decent story, the writing is good enough if not spectacular, the story is OK but really just your standard werewolf rape scene. It really doesn't fit into 'erotic horror' as it wasn't horrible and wasn't erotic. It probably should be in non-human.

Maybe I should get an Editor to look over my stories in the future clearly I am a flawed writer by my lonesome. But this is just something I need to work on if I am to improve and actually provide some quality reading.

The Horror aspect certainly fell flat and you are possibly correct that I should have placed it in the non-human section.

Thanks for the time you took to critique my story kbate I do appreciate it!

 

[_Lynn_]

I marked these examples, taken from your story, at the places they lack punctuation, have missing words, etc.


Brushing back her black hair she looks at the empty fuel gauge marker with disdain filling with deep regret at her own failure to check such simple things.

Twin lines of trees run parallel to the road the bright full moon provides Victoria with ample light to see quite well.

Bouncing up and down she rubs her arms against the night air working warmth into her body.

Victoria makes her way around to the rear of the car she clicks the button on the key fob to pop the trunk.

Victoria scans the tree line wearily dead silence eerie and unnerving the as she walks along, the woods seeming to be devoid of any life.

 

[kbate]

"Fuck," Victoria yelled as she pulled her stalling sedan to the side of the road; her eyes locked on the fuel gauge and the needle pointing at 'E'. "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck" she yelled in disgust, thinking of the station she'd passed several miles back. "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!" she said again as she stupidly tapped the fuel gauge with a finger.

"Now what am I going to do?" she asked the darkness.

(this is just a start, it is crude but why tell me she cursed when she can curse. It is prose and dialogue - use it.)

She sat for a while, pondering the options: walk back to the gas station or unpack the camping gear and sleep in the car, then try in the daylight to get help.

(this takes out one of the huge holes - why the hell would someone on a camping trip be so quick to run down the road when they could sleep in the car and go in the morning)

"Sleep or Walk, Sleep or Walk?" She thought it was only about 3 miles back to the nearest gas station and what would that take? Half an hour each way? But was it safe to walk in this forest? She'd never been afraid, but then she'd never been alone on a dark forest road, lit only by the full moon and her fading headlamps. . .

"Fuck." She reached down and turned off the lights, hoping to salvage the battery. (this keeps her well in the stupid class because she is about to do the dumb thing and walk). . .

***

Then she gets out and walks. Which is a perfect time for you to build the 'horror' of your erotic horror. . . Sense of foreboding. Breaking twig. Animals go silent. . . more thoughts. .. should I go back to the car. . . was that a shadow?. . . run for the car. . . (drop keys cliche for comic relief). . . another sound closer (a grunt? breathing).. . she is panting, running, sprinting. Footsteps. . .

DRaw it out, don't just make the attack and then sex. make it horror.

anyway. I do not have time to do the whole edit and it wouldn't be your story if I continued. I am just trying to give some examples of slightly stronger writing.

 

[PennLady]

kbate brings up a good point which I guess we've all talked around. There's a lot of "telling" instead of showing in the story. Now there will have to be some telling, no doubt. But I think that may be the basic criticism of the beginning -- so much telling about Victoria, her car, her nervousness, etc. Kbate's examples are good ways of showing that, and lets us learn more about Victoria. Is she shy alone? Is she self-sufficient and just pissed at herself? Why was she so haphazard -- busy day at the office? Stress with friends or family?

Things like that are one way of getting readers to empathize, if not sympathize, with your characters. When you're simply told everything, you're kind of kept at a distance and it's hard to get close, so to speak.

To back up to just one thing, I've never heard of this idea of constantly re-establishing your character in each paragraph. Then again, "rules" and "guidelines" for writing fiction abound, and a lot of them are worthless.

One final thought is to check out some other stories and books, and not just on here. See how other authors acquaint you with their characters and if you like those methods or not.