Returnig home from Business<evaluate>

[borisk]

Just atarted this little story and was wanting any feedback. I know the spell checking and gramar are not 100% but this part was wipped out in about 30min. This is about 1/3 of what I have in mind so far. I'll post the rest when I get to that point.

Thank you,

Boris


************************************************************
What would she wear? How would she greet him? What going to be the first thing out of her mouth? Would she set the mood for the house? Would he be tired from the 20 hours of travel? Amy, fluttered around the house nervously, excited for her husband to come home from his two week business trip. His plane didn't land until 10pm but there is a lot of stuff running through her mind, lots of things to do to prepare. Thinking how everything would play out.

Taking a shower Amy was paying attention to the preparation of her sexy body. She made particularly sure her pussy was clean shaven just like he likes it, completely bald. She knows how much he admires and treats her pussy, like a rare delicate flower. Tending to the flowers' well being and care is always on the top of his list.


Shaving her pussy always made her juices run. Propping one foot on the side of the shower, removing the showerhead off for direct water flow on her privates. Turning the shower head to massage letting the pulses strike. using her free hand to seperate the labia between her fingers. Using one then two fingers to probe her love canal. By this time she has the water pusles directly on her clit. Her head falls forward, mouth gapes open to let out moans of pleasure. Her breaths begin to intensify until the final orgasmic tremors coursing through her entire body.

Stepping out of the shower, still light headed. Amy put on her silky robe. The robe instantly clings to her body, absorbing all the water. Conforming to her large beautiful breasts. Nipples eager to poke through. Walking to the closet she wants to tease him, make him know what he has been missing. With this scheme in mind she reaches for her white, loose fitting blouse and black skirt. The white garter and matching white stockings would help complete the visual ensemble.

Amy was nervous driving to the airport. She didn't make a habit of not wearing panties outside the house in public, but this of course was an exception. The excitement of seeing him after two weeks kept her body quivering in a girlish anticipation. She kept her legs slightly spread open to allow the coolness of the night air gently kissing her where she so desired. This made her very horny, quickening her heart and cheeks flushing.


all for now!
5-4-2006 - update to correct spelling errors and recomendations.

 

[borisk]

one thing that i am un sure about is using the proper names along with him/her or just stick with only using him/her. There will be some conversation once they meet at the airport.

Boris

 

[janiexx]

Hi Boris

I know you posted a disclaimer about spelling and grammar at the top of your story, but I, as a potential reader, still felt that this was carelessly written and the speed in which you wrote it shows.

When I write I have the reader in mind all the time. I want to make it easier for them to read on and become involved with the story. I want to make it flow and let them lose themselves in my writing without constantly having to stop and work out what I'm saying.

When I read your piece, my eyes kept jarring on the mistakes and this made me want to give up straight away.

Can I just ask a question? Why did you post this so quickly on here? Why not take the time to polish it, improve the spelling to make it easier for anyone interested to read?

I am passionate about good grammar and spelling. It was how I was educated (in the old-fashioned way when the UK knew how to educate its children).

I would love to take another read of your work when it's more polished and your respect for the reader shines through.

Regards

janiexx

 

[borisk]

Thank you for your response. I am use to writing quick little stories for my wife. I have never published anything for others to read.

The reason behind posting it so quickly was mainly wanting to know exactly what others , like yourself, thought about the story. I was also inspired by what I have read here on lit.

Am I going about it in the right way? Including too much information, Etc.

I am not a writer by any means. I would like others to possably enjoy the blabber I write.

Thank you again.

Boris

 

[janiexx]

Hi Boris,

My appetite was whetted, that's for sure, so please carry on and post more.

Just please, please, please, check your spelling...

I just love reading good stories where attention to detail is in evidence. As I said, it shows respect for the reader. And without readers, you have no appreciation.

If you want, I'd be happy to go over the story and tidy it up. I'm not in the league of the editors that volunteer their time here on Lit, but I do notice spellings and grammar.

Regards
janiexx

 

[kbate]

It was 5pm on a Saturday in May and Amy was excited for her husband to come home from his two week trip to China.
(is the month important? Is the time? Why do you change verb tenses)
It was a releafe that the two Daughters are staying with the grand parents for the weekend so all she had to deal with was making sure she was ready for his arrival.
Their two daughters - were staying - grandparents is one word - deal with?
This made things easier for her. redundant ( you already said she only had to deal with - isn't that similar to this)

This helped her relax a little. When he is gone for business, things that are normaly tend to are left untouched due to the demanding time childern take and no one else to help areound the house.again the verb tenses change back and forth in each sentence - and another semi-redundancy

The plane didn't land until 10pm but there were a lot of stuff on her mind, lots of things to do to prepair for his arival. 'She fluttered around the house nerviously,I thought she relaxed earlier - now she is nervously flitting thinking how everything would play out. verb tense again - pick past or present and stick in that tense.What would she wear? How would she greet him? Whats going to be the first thing out of her mouth? Would she set the mood for the house? Would he be tired from the 20 hours of travel?The section in Orangee should be your story opening paragraph. Delete everything up to the list of questions.

Taking a shower Amy was paying attention to the peperation of her sexy body. She made particularly sure her pussy was clean shaven just like he likes it, completly bald. She knows how much he admires and treates her pussy, like a rare delicate flower. Always tending to the flowers' well being and care.
Why not at this point - tell us - Amy had to prepare - she wanted to be perfect. and into the shower/shaving/masturbation.

Shaving her pussy always made her juices run. Propping one foot on the side of the shower, removing the showerhead off for direct woter flow on her privates. Turning the shower head to massage setting and letting the pulses strike, using her free hand to seperate the labia between her fingers. Using one then two fingers to probe her love canal. By this time she has the water pusles directly on her clit. Her head falls forward, mouth gapes open to let out moans of pleasure. Her breaths begin to intensify until the final orgasmic tremmors coursing through her entire body.

Stepping out of the shower, still light headed. Amy put on her silky robe. The robe instantly clings to her body, absorbing all the water. Conforming to her large beautiful breasts. Nipples eager to poke through. Walking to the closet she wants to tease him, make him know what he has been missing. With this sceme in mind she reaches for her white, loose fitting blouse and black skirt. The white garder and matching white stockings would help complete the visual ensamble.

**************************
You need to work on the verb tenses. In the current manuscript, they jump all over the place and the story is difficult to understand.

I don't know if I highlighted all the misspellings or not (blue) - I may have missed some.

The shower scene - is ok, but it is written in 'telling' mode rather than showing mode. More work is necessary for me to care that she is masturbating in the shower as part of her prep. I simply shrugged and moved on when I read the scene, not the reaction you want from 'reader'.

Work the time he comes home - the day - the flight - where he was and why into the story at other points or not at all. If we don't need to know he was on a two week trip to china - why tell us? Long business trip - tells us enough. (now if he brings her a special oriental gift or some oriental sex herb - then China is worth mentioning).

 

[borisk]

Kbate,

I took your recomendations into a lot of consideration. I realize that you are right in that the trip is not what is important but to focus on the arrival and preperation. The inclusion of the children didn't offer anything to add to the story just seemed like filler after reading this a lot.

This is just a sample of what I changed.
********************************************
What would she wear? How would she greet him? What going to be the first thing out of her mouth? Would she set the mood for the house? Would he be tired from the 20 hours of travel? Amy, fluttered around the house nervously, excited for her husband to come home from his two week business trip. His plane didn't land until 10pm but there is a lot of stuff running through her mind, lots of things to do to prepare. Thinking how everything would play out.

Taking a shower Amy was paying attention to the preparation of her sexy body. She made particularly sure her pussy was clean shaven just like he likes it, completely bald. She knows how much he admires and treats her pussy, like a rare delicate flower. Tending to the flowers' well being and care is always on the top of his list.



BTW should I keep adding posts for the updates or should I update the origional post to reflect the current revision? Just wan to mak it easy for others.

Thank you all,
Boris

 

[kbate]

What would she wear? How would she greet him? What would be the first thing out of her mouth? Would she set the mood for the house? Would he be tired from the 20 hours of travel?

Amy, fluttered around the house, excited because her husband was coming home from a two week business trip. His plane didn't land until 10 PM, but a lot of stuff was running through her mind, things to prepare, how everything would play out.

(here you need to go into more detail about Amy's fretting, her thouhts, her worries, this is the time to make me either like Amy or hate her. If you don't do it now and just jump directly into the shower - You don't have a story, you have a sex-a-log).


In the shower Amy paid special attention to ensure her pussy was clean shaven, just as he likes it. She thought of how he admires her pussy; treating it like a rare, delicate flower. Tending to the flower's well being is always on the top of his list.

* shower scene*

*****

the second is better than the first - I cleaned it up a bit verbwise, now you need to show us Amy - don't tell us what she does in the shower - show us. Make me want to be in the room watching.

 

[janiexx]

bump...

 

[borisk]

Sorry to keep y'all waiting. I'm traveling today back home. I have made some changes but am dwelling on making it a change in the point of view. I went ahead and outlined with breif descriptions in the direction I want the story to go so I dont get off course.



Thank you,
Boris

 

[kbate]

I went ahead and outlined with breif descriptions in the direction I want the story to go so I dont get off course.
s

don't let your 'outline' stop creative ideas. I never like being too - direction focussed for stories - they should flow and turn where the characters take them. Unless you are writing to an underlying theme - the outline won't generally help because beginning writers tend to skip the 'between' the numbers parts and just go from outline item to outline item.