Resturant/Hotel Meeting...

[LnC7471]

You walk into the room and we lock eyes. My pussy gets wet just by you looking at me. I become frozen and cannot move, I long to be touched and fondled by you. We are at this resturant with other people and yet I cannot stop looking at you. You are intelligent, sexy, smart, and funny. You know what you do to me as we've met before and yet never went anywhere with each other. You get up from the table that you are sitting at with your friends and walk over to my table. You notice that I am with my fiancee but that doesn't stop you from leaning over me and giving me the most sensual kiss that I've ever had from another woman. You look at him and reach in between his legs and grab his penis. He is stunned and I am wet. You reach over to me and grab my tit, giving it a nice hard squeeze. Next thing I know, we are all going back to a hotel room for quickie. I'm not sure how much of a quickie this would be, considering that I am fairly new to being with a man and another woman at the same time; but I'm game. We head into the hotel room and this is where it becomes interesting.
We are at the hotel room with a jacuzzi tub. We are filling the tub, for some wet, and hot fun. We are drinking wine that we brought back to the room from the restaurant, and enjoying each other's company. You look at him and give him this huge smile, as I look at both of you and wonder what is going on. I'm a little "slow" sometimes, but I'll get it eventually. You look at me and I am frozen again...wet with desire and a longing to be touched and kissed by you. You get up from the bed and walk over to the tub, noticing that it is ready. Just like I am. I get undressed while you are rubbing him and walk over to you and give you a kiss. I hear a soft moan coming from your throat, while I notice he is getting excited by everything that is happening. You take your hand and reach in between my legs, looking for the underwear that isn't there. You notice that I am wet and begin to lead me over to the hot tub...leaving him all by himself on the edge of the bed; with a great hard-on. I get into the tub and you get up on the edge of it, just to be met with my lips at your clit. I can tell that you are enjoying this as you become wetter and wetter. I reach up and flick your nipples as you get into the tub with me. We are kissing each other now. Hot and heavy kisses, as he joins us in the tub. You look at me and put him in the middle of us. We look at each other and both reach for his penis at the same time...touching our hands to him at the same time. We stroke him for a bit and wonder what it would be like to have you on top of him. You get up and face him, as I reach up to touch you. You ask him to stand so that you can feel him in your hot wet mouth, as I am fingering you. First just one finger, and then as you get wetter; in goes another one. You have him inside your mouth, sucking and teasing him; just as he is about to let loose, you stop. You look at me and tell me to get on the bed. I don't even think that I can move, but somehow my legs take me to the bed and I lay down. You come over to me as he is still in the tub. He's going to watch for awhile, since he knows that this is something that I want to enjoy too. You walk over to me and give me a kiss again. I get wet. I want to touch you but by now, I am tied to the bed and cannot move my hands. You ask me if I want to be blindfolded and I moan yes. On comes the blindfold...out come the toys. I hear this buzzing noise to my right side and the next thing I know; you are playing with me while the buzzing noise gets softer now. That's because you put it in my wet, hot hole and continue to get me more aroused. You look over at him and leave me with the vibrator buzzing inside of me and walk over to him. You ask him to join us and he says in a little while longer. Right now, he is enjoying watching you do what you want to me (while he is smiling at you). You come back over to me and rub my clit gently with your tongue, pulling the vibe in and out of my hole. Vibe in, tongue on my clit. You continue to do this to me for some time as the first wave of orgasm hits me. It gets so loud in the room, that you reach into your bag of goodies and get out this ball gag. You put it on me and tell me not to be so loud. I won't with that in my mouth...lol I hear the buzzy noise get louder again as you pull it out of me. Over my nipples you run the vibe, while you put this huge dildo in my pussy. I moan as I haven't had something that large in me for quite some time. You decide to let one of my hands loose, so that I can feel your wet pussy. You remove the gag long enough to let me get a good taste of you and then quickly put it back on. He walks over to us and gets in behind you. He pokes at you with his rock hard penis as you "fall" on top of me. You are doggie style now, teasing me with the dildo that I just noticed is vibrating inside my love hole. You lick me as he goes inside of your wet hole and fucks you, while you moan with pleasure. The blindfold comes off, so that I can see him fucking you, in and out; in and out he goes. You take the gag off so that you can kiss me and put your tongue in my mouth. I am so wet that I don't even notice that you have another vibe out. You put that in your mouth and get it wet, not that it needed any help; but to watch you suck it is just so exciting.
(this is what I have so far, with more on the way. Let me know what you like/dislike about it thus far. It has been years since I have written anything, the first time for an erotica type of story/fantasy, so I am looking for any kind of feedback on this). Thanks
"Opal Rain"

 

[janiexx]

I'm sure I won't be the only one who says that this great block of writing is very off-putting to your potential readers.

I would firstly try breaking up the paragraphs to make it easier on the eye to read.

Secondly, writing in the second person is a skill that is difficult to pull off for the novice writer. For me, it always feels like I'm reading someone's personal mail and I can never associate the "you" with me. Therefore I quickly lose interest.

And thirdly, this is mainly "tell" not "show". You are giving the reader a list of facts and not painting a picture. For instance:

You notice that I am with my fiancee but that doesn't stop you from leaning over me and giving me the most sensual kiss that I've ever had from another woman. You look at him and reach in between his legs and grab his penis. He is stunned and I am wet.

Here, I would describe the kiss, how it made me feel, how you tasted, how the feel of your lips felt against mine. Then I would describe the look on my fiance's face, give him a voice by adding dialogue. As for me (and my wet pussy) I would give a description of how the image of the woman kissing my fiance excited me, what reaction I had, the anticipation I was feeling...

It puts your reader right into the action, as if they're sitting there with you, rather than stating the facts. And I always make good use of dialogue. It makes the characters real and by doing this they jump out from the page.

If I were you, I would try to enlist the help of a volunteer editor for your first efforts on Literotica. I can say more than anything that the majority of the readers on this site prefer their stories to be grammatically correct and easy to read, whether it's the classic "stroke" story or a longer, more detailed tale.

I think it just shows respect for the reader if you put in a lot of effort.

Good luck,
janiexx

 

[Toa_lin]

I agree, break up the block into paragraphs, explain what the character feels instead of jsut the facts, and then later you talk about the character getting blindfolded, and then you write,

You look over at him and leave me with the vibrator buzzing inside of me and walk over to him. You ask him to join us and he says in a little while longer. Right now, he is enjoying watching you do what you want to me (while he is smiling at you). You come back over to me and rub my clit gently with your tongue

The character wouldn't know WHAT was happenening if "she" couldn't see the other two. So talk about it as if it was happening to you; and you don't know what's going on in the minds of the others, only what you can see, feel, taste, hear, or smell.

Pretty much, I think it would be good to look into the editor program as well. There are plenty of free editors like myself who would be willing to help you improve this story.