Respecting Your Child's Privacy & Property

[Fallenfromgrace]

OK, so how much privacy do you think a child is entitled to? Does this change according to age or gender?

Would you allow your child to have a lock on their bedroom door? (after a certain age perhaps)

What about their property?- i mean, stuff that may have been bought FOR them by others including you, and stuff they may have bought themselves. ANd also what about stuff not 'bought' but made?

When you were a child, how was your 'privacy' managed? Was your property respected?

~~

Its something that i am...i dont know, 'concerned' about? im not sure thats the word i mean but its something on my mind.

I tell you why. I am 19, i am the oldest of 3 girls, and i have bare minimum privacy. My bedroom is like a busy train station- anyone can and will walk in, do what they want and walk out again at any time. Including when i am changing, and yes that can include my dad.

My property is treated as though it is anyones and everyones- i think the line is drawn at my underwear- JUST. Inclduing that which i have bought or was gifted to me.

This sunday just past (passed?- i dunno...*sighs*), there was let's say...'an issue' with my mum, in which she tore down all my magazine advert- posters from my bedroom. Fine, whatever...replacable if i so choose.

What i will NEVER forgive her for, (and ive blurted about it and so on) was that she tore down my MOST IMPORTANT piece of MY OWN 2D original artwork and TORE IT UP. I could not stop crying for the longest time. I'm angry just writting about it now. Its not like its something that can be bought and replaced. It's not like it was a doodle- it was a detailed chalk sketch. It meant more to me than anyone will ever understand, and now its destroyed. Click here to see what it looked like before: Glass Eye

SO, with regards to an event like that what say you all on the rights to privacy and respect of property?

 

[Seamus123]

I think that's a gorgeous picture and your mother is cruel to have torn it up.

My parents sounds quite a lot like yours, but perhaps not as bad. I have no lock on my door and never did, and people wouldn't knock. When I'd ask my mother to knock as a matter of privacy, courtesy and respect, she'd only reply that it was her house and she didn't have to knock. She didn't listen when I told her that I always knocked my parents door on the one day of the year it was closed (apart from sleep) - when she was wrapping christmas presents.

I'm all for children having a lot of privacy and respect of property. After the way my parents have raised me - no privacy, little respect of property, too overprotective - i'm all for building a relationship with my children that i see with other people, namely the fact that if we respect each other then we'll be able to talk and get on a lot better. I know what I wouldn't want to bring up certain serious issues with my parents, and I feel silly and awkward bringing up anything serious with them at all. As an example of the thing I wouldn't want to be to my parent, i remember a time when I tried to attain my father's wish of acting more maturely, so I wanted to sit my parents down and chat, like adults, about the concerns I had regarding our relationship. Basically, all that teen stuff, but to talk about it. They literally laughed me out of the room.

At least I know what not to do now.

 

[cloudy]

I think everyone is entitled to some privacy, and yes, that includes children. Grown children, even more so.

Even when I was in high school/junior high, if I had my door shut, my parents would knock before they came in. They didn't necessarily wait until I said "come in" to enter - after all, it was their house, and I was a minor - but they were courteous enough to do that much.

At your age? It's a tough call. It's their house. You do, however, have the right to expect privacy. A lock on your door may be going too far, but I would expect them to 1) knock before entering, and 2) keep their hands off your things.

eta: it's tough for me to draw from experience as an adult child living with their parents. I moved out when I was 17, and haven't lived with them since.

 

[Tom Collins]

That mother's behavior is completely reprehensible. No one, and I mean NO ONE has the right to do that to someone. There is no excuse for that sort of treatment of another person, and there is no reason that can possibly be considered reasonable.

Even if this person had their walls covered in porn pictures, she wouldn't've had the right to do that. She should merely have required they be taken down.

This girl is 19. I would say that she should have a lock on her door. One that she can lock from the inside and the outside. Possibly a deadbolt. Otherwise people will be invading her private space when she's not in her room. Once a child reaches a certain age, say 10 or so, you lose the right as a parent to simply walk into their space uninvited and unannounced. If the door is standing open, fine, step across the threshold since and open door is an unspoken invitation to enter, but you shouldn't begin going through things and touching stuff. It's invasion, and it's unacceptable. If the door is shut you need to knock and wait for a response that indicates it's ok to open the door.

The only exception to this is if you believe it's an emergency. Even if you've just found out they've done something wrong and are going to confront them on it, you still must knock if the door is shut, and wait for them to acknowledge you.

 

[scheherazade_79]

It was really wrong of her. It sounds like she went into a fit of rage and did it without thinking it through properly. You need to sit down and talk about drawing up some boundaries - but in a way that doesn't involve any shouting or arguing.

Everyone is entitled to some privacy, regardless of age or gender, and your mum needs to respect that. I still have some issues with my mum. I spoke to her about getting a lock on my door when I was a teenager, and she said she didn't want to live in a house where there were locked doors. Fair enough - we compromised, and from that point onwards she knocked instead of barging in.

No matter what happens, just try and keep your cool. If you want your own way (or something approaching your own way) you're only going to get it if you keep control of your emotions.

Good luck

 

[MagicaPractica]

SO, with regards to an event like that what say you all on the rights to privacy and respect of property?

{{{{{hugs}}}}} Wow, sounds way over the line. This is nothing about what amount of privacy a kid should have, this is about respecting a person.

Personally, a kid gets total privacy when they move out. Yes, I would be a Mom who would snoop. I want to know what my kid is up to. However, I would not bring anything up that I didn't think was seriously threatening their well being.

But, as I said, I don't see this as a privacy issue so much as a property issue. I would never take something of my child's and if one of my kids took something of one of the others, it would be considered stealing and punished.

As a writer and artist, destroying my work would be the worst thing you could do. The fact that she did this makes me a little concerned that she is way out in left field. However, it certainly is worth sitting down and trying to have a rational conversation about property rights. It doesn't seem like it could make matters worse. The whole family should not be coming and going so cavalierly. Perhaps the fact that she did this without discussing it with you could be addressed in a way that would help her see you as an adult. (Mom, I understand that this is your house and you have the right to do as you please in your house but those things were important to me. If you had discussed this with me, perhaps we could have reached a compromise. I could have at least taken them down myself and put them away.)

I don't know what more to say because this goes beyond the usual to me. I hope you can resolve things so that you find some peace.

ETA: Wow, I really don't understand why she tore that up. That sounds more than a little irrational to me.

 

[oggbashan]

Locks?

My chidren didn't need locks on their bedroom doors.

We didn't need locks on ours.

We brought our children up to respect each others' privacy and to respect ours. We even had a parents' room in the house where they didn't go. Their playroom/rumpus room was out of bounds to parents without knocking and waiting. After about age 10, they were expected to clean and tidy their own rooms unless they asked for help. Running repairs e.g. window sash cords were only done after the room's occupant had tidied away anything they wanted to hide.

My youngest daughter found her secret diary she had concealed about age 13. It was in a plastic box tied with string and boldly labelled "Private". Even her sisters hadn't looked. She had stored it with her surplus childhood belongings in our loft. Two weeks ago she shredded it after giggling over some of the entries. None of the family had ever touched it. It was hers.

Og

 

[TheeGoatPig]

I feel special all of a sudden. Sort of...

When I was growing up I was the middle child of three brothers, with an even younger sister. All four of us shared a room until my older brother was around 8 or 10 when he got his own room (two extra rooms in the house not being used for beds or anything, I really wonder why it took my parrents so long to give one of us one of them). Then when my sister was around 3 or 4 she got her own room. So my younger brother and I shared until my older brother moved out to university, and I took his room.

We didn't have a lock on our shared room for a long time. Why bother when you are sharing it? You are both supposed to have access to it after all. sometime around middle school (12 or 14 or so) we actually got a semi-lock on the door (it could be opened with any manner of solid object the size of a coin). However, the private rooms did have locks the entire time. My parrnets room, my sisters room, and my older brothers room (and mine when I took it over to this day).

My parrents always knocked when entering. Like Cloudy's, they didn't always wait for consent. they never threw away or destroyed any of our stuff without our express permission either (not that I can remember). They had 100% respect for anything and everything that we owned, no matter how beaten, broken, or even destroyed. It was up to us to throw it out when we tired of it (we were resourceful, toys lasted well after their expiration dates with new uses around every corner).

I guess aside from having to share a room through half of puberty (probably why I didn't start masturbating at a more normal age), I had it pretty easy.

 

[Fallenfromgrace]

Thanks for all the replies so far, i am still contemplating them.

I guess i should mention that i was standing on the other side of the bed when she tore the picture off the wall above my bed. It was all as a result of an arguement we were in the middle of. It wasn't just her clearing or anything.

As for sitting down with my mum Zade, you know my thoughts on that. I personally think, with regards to the cause of all this, things are unsalvagable.

 

[rgraham666]

Your mom went way over the line, Fallen.

Whether people have the right to ignore your privacy is one thing. As people have shown it's a matter of perspective.

She had no right, no right at all to destroy something you created.

If one of my parents had done such a thing when I was your age it would have created an unbridgeable gap between us. I might be their son but I am not their property.

You aren't your parents' property either. I believe you should enlighten them on that front.

 

[Stella_Omega]

As I recall, all of this started when your parents found your ciggies, right? And then went looking... and found some things that were even more horrible? This is simply not going to be resolved quickly, but you already know that.
Even if your parents didn't respect your privacy previously, as far as they are concerned, it's war now and all is fair therefore.
Start moving your private things out of that house, get them into storage somewhere.

I'm so very sorry!

 

[elsol]

I was a child once... they get enough rope not to hang themselves.

 

[Fallenfromgrace]

As I recall, all of this started when your parents found your ciggies, right? And then went looking... and found some things that were even more horrible?

I think you are thinking of zade here sweet thank you though

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think you are thinking of zade here sweet thank you though

oops, you're right- that's what i get for neglecting research Sowwy!

Still, it does seem as iof you need to take your own steps.

 

[Guest]

*hugs* My heart goes out to you Grace. What happened Sunday was definitely out of line. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that and have to deal with a constant lack of privacy.

You contribute a lot to your family with helping with the sisters and household stuff. You should've already had privacy and respect, but with all you do, you have at least earned it by now. Just wish you could get it.

In general, my personal opinion is that parents should trust their kids and teach them respect for people and property and give them their privacy at an early age. I realize circumstances arise that might warrant breaking that privacy or trust, but that's how I was brought up.

 

[jomar]

You asked about our childhoods. I was raised to respect another's privacy. That meant knocking on closed doors. I didn't have siblings close in age so didn't have that issue. With my kids, three years apart in age. Same thing, respect each other's property - most times it is. We don't even open each other's mail without permission.

I definitely think you should have all the privacy you want at your age (assuming you're not in the clutch of some substance, and I'm assuming not), and that includes a lock if people are barging in. And nobody has the right to destroy your property.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. The support is here, and the advice, if you want.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Mom stepped out of bounds on that one. Destroying a piece of you.

She needs to know you are not a child anymore.

 

[MagicaPractica]

As an addendum, I grew up in a house that didn't have doors on the bedrooms. Yes, we were dirt poor. The only door was on my parents bedroom. However, we did respect each other. If you wanted to walk into someone else's room you called out, "knock knock." Of course we had a boys room and a girls room, with a blanket hung over the door. Three to one and two to the other. I can't think of a single reason one of my parents would have torn up something I created. My mother had a file for each of us and saved artwork we did. This is just so sad to me.

 

[jakebarnes06]

A different view

There's no question your mother was wrong to destroy what I'll guess she knew to be your most prized possession.

Having said that, I'll make just two quick points and then prepare to be skewered.

First, while living in your parents' home, you're not entitled to anything. Any privacy you receive is at your parents' pleasure and it may be withdrawn at any time with or without reason or notice. In almost all households, including mine as both a child and a parent, privacy and other similar privileges were earned by appropriate conduct resulting in the growth of trust over the years. Sadly, that does not appear to have happened in your home.

Second, no parent, regardless how irrational, goes into an adult child's room and commits the type of destruction you've described. Something, of which we haven't been told, set off your mother.

You certainly can attempt speaking with your parents, but given your description of the "norm" in your home, I don't think you'll have much success. It may be time to gather up your things and seek your own home.

Good luck

 

[angelicminx]

We had a rule in our house growing up, if something was put away it was off limits, if it was not it was fair game. This included diaries and love letters.

Bathroom doors were NEVER to be locked, but if the door was shut whoever wanted in had to knock.

My husband created a rule for my 11 year old daughter: if the door was closed, you had to knock and wait for permission to enter... period. Didn't matter whose door it was or who wanted to come in.



I don't even know your mom and I want to punch her for destroying your drawing and other posters.

 

[angelicminx]

...

Second, no parent, regardless how irrational, goes into an adult child's room and commits the type of destruction you've described. Something, of which we haven't been told, set off your mother.

...

Since it's impossible for you to have met every mother in the world, there's no way for you to know that. As a matter of fact there are mothers who would commit the type of destruction described. I had a few friends growing up whose mothers destroyed their things just because they could. No rhyme, no reason, no prior argument, no evidence of misconduct... nothing.

 

[angelicminx]

...

First, while living in your parents' home, you're not entitled to anything. Any privacy you receive is at your parents' pleasure and it may be withdrawn at any time with or without reason or notice. In almost all households, including mine as both a child and a parent, privacy and other similar privileges were earned by appropriate conduct resulting in the growth of trust over the years. Sadly, that does not appear to have happened in your home.

...

So what you are saying is that children are nothing more than property?

 

[impressive]

Destruction of your property was just wrong -- period.

While I condone respecting one another's privacy, thinking as the person legally and financially responsible for what goes on under my roof, I want access to every inch of my house. IOW, absolutely no locks for which I don't have keys. That being said, I wouldn't open a closed door without knocking.

Once my child reach the age of majority, it's a whole different ball game. With rights come responsibilities.

 

[Elsie Grey]

I'm sorry to hear about your picture grace, that's awful!

I'm 22 and I live at home still. Over the years privacy has been hammered out into something maneagble. The airing cupboard is in my room and my Mum just used to walk in whenver she wanted something. This was fine when I was little but when I got to my teenage years I hated it so I banned them from entering my room between 9pm and 6:30am ( when I was in bed because I hated having her come in when I was asleep) and enforced the rule by barricading the door! I also started a knock and wait for permission rule by not knocking at their door for a couple of weeks and pointing out that it was really annoying wasn't it? They got the hint eventually. My little sister was harder to convince but she took the hint eventually.

As for property, I can't ever remember my parents destroying anything of mine. They just used to tell me to do it... Basically if it's downstairs then it's fair game but what is in my room is mine and my parents have always asked permission to borrow stuff. My little sister used to steal a lot of my things when I was younger but I have got revenge when I used to head to college with half a suitcase full of her stuff. All's fair in love war and sisterhood!

What made your mum take your picture down in the first place? Anything you can do to stop that situation arising again?

Elsie

xxx

 

[S-Des]

I'm not that big on privacy, per se. Kids often use it as an excuse to do really bad things, then scream about, "their rights". It's especially bad with the internet age. A lot of parents have found their children to have gotten involved with really bad things that they weren't prepared for (i.e. child predators) while hiding things from their parents. But that is obviously not the case here. This isn't violating your privacy, it is just blatantly cruel to destroy something so beautiful that you obviously put a great deal of time and love into. There can't be a rational explanation, so it sounds like she just lost control. You have my sympathies...I hope this isn't the kind of thing that happens on a regular basis. I've had friends with abusive/irrational parents. It's truly sad and the best thing you can do is to get out as soon as you can if that's the case here.