Requesting Feedback

[jskewe]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=422302

Above is the link to my first erotic story on here. I would like any feedback you guys may have, along with any suggestions for ideas or writing advice.

 

[Elianna]

Disclaimer: I am NOT an editor, however...

I felt like you were telling a story, and not including the reader. There seemed to be a detachment and formality that separated me from what was actually going on. It's like you're "telling" the story and not letting the reader experience it as it unfolds.

For example: your first paragraph...

The evening sun slanted through the window's of Jason's living room, with a few rays hitting Jason himself. Fast asleep, the late evening light did not bother him, yet something, or someone, rather, would cut short his weekend nap.

First: it's windows (no apostrophe for plurals, the apostrophe is used for possessive)

Second:

rays hitting Jason himself

"himself" is redundant and unnecessary. This sentence doesn't really "show" what the rays are doing. It's a little flat to me.

Third: The construction of your 3rd sentence is - I can't articulate this appropriately- stilted and wordy. Plus, you just gave away what was going to happen in the whole story in the 2nd sentence of the intro. At this point, as a reader, I wanted to backclick.

I would recommend that you go to some of your favorite stories and ask yourself not about the content, but HOW they were written. What kept you rivited? What is the writing style? Point of view? How do they describe things?

Here is an example:

After this, she stroked his chest once more with her right hand, and let her delicate fingers slide down Jason's body, down to the waistband of the boxers he was sleeping in.

Here is a proposed fix (though it's still too choppy and stilted):
Alice stroked his chest lightly, his sun-warmed skin like velvet beneath her delicate fingertips. She licked her lips in anticipation as she feathered her fingers down his firm stomach her eyes flicking to the slight bulge in his boxers.

I'm not perfect at "showing" either. I wanted to add a lot more description to just this part and draw it out. But when you "show" something you think about all the senses. What does his skin feel like? He's in the sun so he's warm. Is she warm? Is she aroused? What does she do to show that this is exciting her? What does it smell like? What sounds is he making? What about her? All of these things are considerations when describing a scene like this.

This is my humble opinion. Like I said, I'm not an editor, but I DO love to read and write. I hope this helps.

 

[CWatson]

Ooh, E! Welcome back! =D

To the OP: part of the issue is that you're in 3P-Omniscient viewpoint.

There are a number of viewpoints you can write from. First-Person is just that--first-person, with the character narrating or even speaking to The Reader directly ("My name is Lester Burnham. I'm 42 years old. In less than a year, I'll be dead"). Third person, which you're using, has an outside narrator who describes what is happening to the characters. (In between is Second person, wherein you dictate to The Reader what they are doing: "You reach into Jason's pants to fondle his scrotum. This makes you uncomfortable because you, like most Literotica readers, are male. You click the 'Back' button.")

Third-Person narration (hereafter referred to as "3P") further divides into two basic categories. The first is 3P-Limited, which is what Harry Potter is written in: the narrator/camera follows a certain character, and only that character, ever. In 3P-Limited, if Alice is doing something across town, the camera can't see it, because it's glued to Jason and can't be removed, it can only be related by Alice herself, after the fact, when she tells Jason about it. The second option is 3P-Omniscient, wherein the camera can (and does) switch its focus to a different character, or even go "wide angle" and just show us an objective overview. This allows us to see inside Jason's head and Alice's, which makes it easier to see the overall story and its events, but can be disorienting if the switch in focus isn't made clear.

This is what you're doing, and it's why The Reader feels so removed from the story. 3P-Omni lacks the intimacy of 3P-Limited because you never get into a character's head. You might get to examine them, possibly in some detail like a bug under a microscope, but you never wear their skin.

Another aspect is the formality of your language. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most of your recent writing has been for the corporate or the business world, because that's how your prose comes across: tradesmanlike and somewhat clumsy. I wouldn't say it's bad--you're communicating the story well, and there's no misspellings or technical errors (aside from using only two periods for ellipses instead of the necessary three). But it could certainly be more graceful. You use a lot of "said bookisms" as well as a lot of adverbs, both of which break the flow of the story. The end result is a writing style that seems detached and unemotional, which is probably not the tone you want for a passionate schtoinkfest. What Elianna said is absolutely right: the best details are the tactile ones; sound, smell, taste, touch, sight (though this one can get overused or badly used). What you want, for a red-hot story, are the passionate details, the ones that get vivid and spark off The Reader's imagination. Straight reporting isn't going to accomplish that very well.

Let me say this in closing: You did not do a bad job. I've read my share of bad writing, both published on the site and here on the boards, and this isn't one of those stories. You know what you're doing as a storyteller and a wordsmith, and I'm sure your reader feedback and votes will support you in that feeling. Yes, you could've done things more right... But that doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

So keep writing. It's clear that you haven't exhausted your talent, and you're already good. What's to hold you back?

 

[jskewe]

Oh wow.. Thank you very much for both of your replies. I can't do them justice at the moment, but I have read them and will be rereading them.

Let me just say, that both of you responded with MUCH more detail than I anticipated, and that is superb. To be honest, I was expecting one of two half-assed replies. Both of your comments, however, are very geared towards improving my writing.

Anyways, like I said, I'll be chugging through the details of what you two have said, CWatson and Elianna. In the meantime, could you two link me to one or a couple of good short, erotic stories? Ones that have a proper perspective on the scene, and tell the story in a way that includes the reader more? That way I can have a model to work with and keep in mind while I rework my story.

On a side note, I'm currently reading the link to 'said bookisms' that CWatson posted, and it's funny how it goes exactly against what I thought one should do with dialogue tags. Grr, I have a lot of learning to do. Though I see how it makes sense.
Edit: Wait, no, now it makes a LOT of sense.

 

[JoshuaGlynn]

Hey jskewe,

Just finished your story, and I have to say I found it quite enjoyable. I have to agree with what was said by CW and Elianna. You really just need a bit of spit and polish. One big piece of advice I can give you though is to read your stories aloud to yourself, or have someone else read them back to you. You can really get a sense of what feels right, that you can miss when reading silently.

Also, you asked for examples of perspective. I write mostly in first person(1P), because it puts you in the characters head, and makes for stronger emotional attachment. The only down side is that the scope of the story's vision is limited to the experience of that one character. Now there are ways around that, but lets stick with basics.

There are two kinds of 1P: present and past tense. In present, things are happening now. It is almost like a running stream of consciousness. Alternately, past is like an old time story teller. You are telling the reader about something that happened in the past. I write primarily in 1P past tense.

So here is a link to one of mine. Now I don't know what kind of stories you like, but this one is a gay themed story. However, this chapter is the prologue to the story and is mainly about two straight best friends. one suffers a loss, that hits close to home. There is no sex in it, although there is a kiss near the end.

Now I'm not claiming I'm a great writer, but I have received quite a bit of good feedback on this story, so it can't be that bad... (ok enough of me being humble.) It should give you an idea on first person.

Also, on Dialogue tags, I don't use them much. I don't use a bunch of said bookisms either. One of my mentors taught me a few ways around them. I'm not saying they are bad, but there are ways to keep the dialogue flowing without them.

One way is to use named opener, like:

Pete ran into study hall. "Hey Ron, do you still have the notes from English last week, my kid-sister used mine for coloring this weekend."

"Yea, sure man. What days you need?"

"Wednesday and Thursday should do it."

"Sure just get them back to me tomorrow, the test is Friday."

"Man, your a life saver!"

You didn't need to add a Pete said, or a Ron said there at all to follow the flow. Another way is to match the dialogue to the person... this one can be tricky, but once your characters have a voice, it is easy to pick them out.

“God Dammit, Jefferson! We are trying to find a new receiver, not bury another one!” Coach was furious as he ran up to see if I was OK. He was trailed by Jason, the quarterback. However, I was already up before they got within five yards. “Hey son, you ok.”

“Yes sir! I’m ok.”

The concern drained from Coach's face, replaced by a grin. “By god, boy, you can take a hit!”

“Now you see why I want him, right Coach. Good hands, fast on his feet, and tough as an ox.”

“OK Ladies, back to the line! Next play! And Jefferson keep your damn hands off my new receiver!”

Did you need to know who said the last two lines? You can also see some of this in the link above.

Well good luck, and I hope to see more of you on here. PM is always available if you have any questions.

Happy writing.

Josh

 

[Saucy_Sage]

The evening sun slanted through the window's of Jason's living room, with a few rays hitting Jason himself. Fast asleep, the late evening light did not bother him, yet something, or someone, rather, would cut short his weekend nap.

As Elianna said, your second sentence removes any tension from the story. In addition, it has a few other problems. First off, the modifier "fast asleep" refers to "the late evening late" rather than, as you clearly intended, Jason. Second, you have way too many commas, making it an very choppy sentence. How about:

The evening sun slanted through the windows of Jason's living room, its warmth only deepening the sleep of his weekend nap.

Alice, Jason's lovely girlfriend, was kneeling at his side with a mischievous look in her eyes. Carefully, she moved her hand to his chest, stroking Jason through his t-shirt, testing to see how deeply he slept. He didn't stir at all.

Perfect, thought the conniving woman. She made sure her long brunette curls flowed down her back, not wanting a stray hair tickling Jason awake. Her hand moved to the remote control, lowering the volume on the television, lest a sudden noise wake him up. After this, she stroked his chest once more with her right hand, and let her delicate fingers slide down Jason's body, down to the waistband of the boxers he was sleeping in. Her lovely brown eyes were intent on his lower half, while she deliberated on how to proceed. Too fast, and I'll wake him up. Too slow, and nothing will happen.

It might be more effective if you backed up, showing Alice letting herself into the house. Who is she? What does she want? She kneels down beside him. The tension is still there. "Conniving" is not the word you want. It connotes something evil. Too many commas in these paragraphs too. For example, you don't want the reader to pause between "television" and "lest." The second clause explains the first. Let them flow together.

You do have talent; now go forth and turn your sex scene into a real story!