Requesting feedback

[Rockestarchik]

I recently posted my second story, and though I've gotten some votes I haven't got any comments yet.

I would appreciate your comments and criticisms.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=371382

 

[PrincessErin]

.....

 

[Rockestarchik]

Thank you.

 

[Rockestarchik]

I read both your stories and voted and commented on them.
I look forward to reading more from you.
Erin

Thank you.

 

[MarshAlien]

First off, the story reads like you were in a real hurry to get it done. Girl watches couple, girl meets girl, girls get it on. To make it a real story you need to slow down. Make the girl jealous, make it hard to meet the girl, make the girls really work to get it on. For example, have one of the girls kidnapped. Okay, maybe that's a little extreme. But give us some tension, some conflict, and then some resolution.

As for your writing, you need to work on a few basic things. Here are your first four paragraphs:

Kelly watched Marie walk off with Alex. "Damn, someone's getting something tonight." She glanced around the crowded room before walking after them. She saw them go around a tree and she stopped, a few moments later, she saw him pick her up to carry her off somewhere.

Kelly bit her lip, torn between her friend's privacy and her own increasing horniness and curiosity. Her horniness won out, and she followed at a distance. She knew that she wouldn't be seen, her black outfit camouflaged her into shadows and she knew the two were too busy to notice her.

Kelly slipped behind a tree and peeked around it. The sight that met her was Marie lying on the ground, her legs spread for Alex. Kelly unconsciously slipped her hand into her pants, immediately finding the familiar path to her hot core. Her pussy was dripping and she shoved two fingers up inside herself, while stroking her clit. She rubbed faster and faster, in time to Alex thrusting into her friend. She came as she heard Marie scream his name and barely held back her own moans as she fell to her knees, her hand still in her pants.

Kelly pulled her hand out, wiping it off and standing up with shaky legs. She glanced at the spent couple before heading back to the party. She slipped into the bathroom to check how she looked. Her cheeks were flushed pink, extremely contrasting with her black leather ensemble. She wore tight leather pants, a short, midriff baring leather jacket with only a couple buttons done. Her lacy bra almost matched her cheeks and to top it all off was a biker cap pulled jauntily over her short hair. "I really need a girlfriend." She said aloud.

1. Run-on sentences: "She saw them go around a tree and she stopped, a few moments later, she saw him pick her up to carry her off somewhere." There are two ideas in this sentence. She saw them go around the tree and she stopped. And she saw him pick her up to carry her off. You can't separate them with a comma. Instead, you need to use a period. She saw them go around a tree and she stopped. A few moments later, she saw him pick her up to carry her off somewhere.

2. Dialogue. First off, separate the dialogue. Don't stick, "Damn, someone's getting something tonight" in the middle of a paragraph. Let it breathe. Make people pay attention to it. Dialogue carries a story. It needs space. Second, dialogue attribution should not stand alone unless it actually is a separate sentence. Commas and question marks are the most common ways to connect dialogue and its attribution, followed by a lower-case letter beginning the dialogue tag. So you don't want "'I really need a girlfriend.' She said aloud." Instead, you want "'I really need a girlfriend,' she said aloud."

3. Reality check. If she was wearing "tight leather pants," could she really jam her hand far enough down them to shove two fingers inside herself and also stroke her clit? We aliens aren't built that way, but I'm thinking that's gotta be uncomfortable.

I think you show promise here but you do need to spend some time practicing the fundamentals of both story-telling and writing. Welcome to Lit!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi, Rockestarchik, and welcome.

I go with Marsh and Erin.

You write well, but my guess is you haven't written fiction with dialogue much before. It's not really a prob but you do need to get your head around the difference between protags, narrator and grammar rules.

An edit - or editor - would help. Not just to pick up stuff like Marsh said, but also to help on story structure.

I was loving your pirate story until you rushed the ending, got crazy with the virginity line, and, as was said - rushed the main part of your story. The cadence was broken.

Same point with 'Rock Me...' The lesbian theme is confused and the plotting is a bit disjointed.

I think you try to pack too much into your stories at the expense of exploring emotion, diffidence and downright lust. The final scenes of both your stories need to end on a bigger high to reflect your introductions - not essentially graphic sex - but a show of a kind of epiphany.

You asked for critique, but given that, I really like your writing and think you will be great here. For a newbie, you's Rocks.

Elle