Janet Tenaj
Virgin
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2000
- Posts
- 4
This story is the first one I've submitted here and I would like some brutally honest feedback. Do your worst!
Requesting Feedback on "Wood Nymph"
- Thread starter Janet Tenaj
- Start date
CreamyLady
Uncompromising Visionary
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2000
- Posts
- 2,685
I loved it; it was imaginative, moved very well, and the ending was poetic in the extreme.
Whispersecret
Clandestine Sex-pressionist
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2000
- Posts
- 3,089
WARNING: Near the end of this post I’m going to talk about the ending of “Wood Nymph” If you haven’t read it yet and want to be surprised, don’t read on.
Janet,
I thought this story was very well done. What a wonderful story from a first time writer! The whole mood was very Celtic/Summer Solstice/Druidish. The description was vivid, the language was rich, and you followed the rules of grammar and punctuation! Hoorah!
Here are a few observations I made while reading it a second time. Nothing major.
“That is the say, the two women they chose to rape.” – I thought they only wanted the one woman, the young one.
It should be “sow their seeds” not "sew". <winks> Easy mistake to make.
Nice job on the Scottish (?) accent. I did catch a few places where you forgot to change an “and” to “’an” and a “you” to “ye.” Oops!
"Be warned," she intoned. "Lay a hand on my daughter and it will be the end of you both." I guess the witch meant it literally. Duncan never touched the girl himself. I found myself feeling sorry for him because his friend was the reckless one.
In the hag’s story, I got a little confused when he first saw “the goddess”. I thought that the girl he rescued had miraculously turned into the goddess. I find out only a paragraph later that they are two different people, but I think it could have been clearer when he first lays eyes on her.
Eek. Filly, not philly. (Unless that’s British English…)Philly is that yummy stuff I put on my bagel!
“Of the experience, he could only later say that he felt like he was completely enmeshed…” He doesn’t ever get the chance to say later, does he? Because his spirit sort of disappears, doesn't it? (I know, that's picky.)
Couple of typos when she teases him the third time. Nothing major, though.
At the end, when the hag leaves after the transformation, I think you should have put Duncan in quotation marks, to make it clear to the reader that Duncan was no longer really Duncan, but the witch in her new body. I don’t know, but I think something needed to be done to clarify that it was the hag reborn.
The reborn hag gets to the tree and assumes her daughter and Seamus are inside. How does the “happy couple” get to the tree before the hag? He/she seems to make a straight trip without stopping.
Maybe I’m dense, but I kind of don’t get why the hag would WANT to father the new nymph. Wouldn’t that mean giving up his newly regained manhood? That kind of circle stuff sometimes confuses me.
That was as brutal as I could get! And believe me, I can really cut to the bone if necessary. <winks> All I could find were those tiny things. Anyway, despite all that nit-picking, I thought the story was excellent. I would love to see more from you! Well done! Brava! <claps enthusiastically>
Janet,
I thought this story was very well done. What a wonderful story from a first time writer! The whole mood was very Celtic/Summer Solstice/Druidish. The description was vivid, the language was rich, and you followed the rules of grammar and punctuation! Hoorah!
Here are a few observations I made while reading it a second time. Nothing major.
“That is the say, the two women they chose to rape.” – I thought they only wanted the one woman, the young one.
It should be “sow their seeds” not "sew". <winks> Easy mistake to make.
Nice job on the Scottish (?) accent. I did catch a few places where you forgot to change an “and” to “’an” and a “you” to “ye.” Oops!
"Be warned," she intoned. "Lay a hand on my daughter and it will be the end of you both." I guess the witch meant it literally. Duncan never touched the girl himself. I found myself feeling sorry for him because his friend was the reckless one.
In the hag’s story, I got a little confused when he first saw “the goddess”. I thought that the girl he rescued had miraculously turned into the goddess. I find out only a paragraph later that they are two different people, but I think it could have been clearer when he first lays eyes on her.
Eek. Filly, not philly. (Unless that’s British English…)Philly is that yummy stuff I put on my bagel!
“Of the experience, he could only later say that he felt like he was completely enmeshed…” He doesn’t ever get the chance to say later, does he? Because his spirit sort of disappears, doesn't it? (I know, that's picky.)
Couple of typos when she teases him the third time. Nothing major, though.
At the end, when the hag leaves after the transformation, I think you should have put Duncan in quotation marks, to make it clear to the reader that Duncan was no longer really Duncan, but the witch in her new body. I don’t know, but I think something needed to be done to clarify that it was the hag reborn.
The reborn hag gets to the tree and assumes her daughter and Seamus are inside. How does the “happy couple” get to the tree before the hag? He/she seems to make a straight trip without stopping.
Maybe I’m dense, but I kind of don’t get why the hag would WANT to father the new nymph. Wouldn’t that mean giving up his newly regained manhood? That kind of circle stuff sometimes confuses me.
That was as brutal as I could get! And believe me, I can really cut to the bone if necessary. <winks> All I could find were those tiny things. Anyway, despite all that nit-picking, I thought the story was excellent. I would love to see more from you! Well done! Brava! <claps enthusiastically>
