Requesting feedback on first story

[dscollins]

Hello -
I've submitted my first story and recently re-submitted an edited version and just found these forums. Looking for comments/feedback to help me improve as I start working on some additional stories I have outlined.

Any and all comments welcome!
Thanks!

http://www.literotica.com/s/rachels-lust-awakens

 

[PennLady]

DS -- I read your story over. I thought it wasn't bad, but it didn't do much for me.

Story-wise, I thought it moved a bit too fast and didn't develop the characters too much. Derek goes from someone who only flirts (as one character puts it) to someone who sleeps with Rachel, but why? Why does he only flirt?

I found a lot of mechanical problems. You start off with Derek in the present tense (first paragraph) but then the rest is in past tense -- that got me right off.

When you describe Rachel, I found the choices odd. Her hair is "sedate"? And her blouse didn't do justice? I think I get what you wanted -- she's sexy but doesn't flaunt it, but you were wordy in getting there.

"3-4 hours" -- numbers should be spelled out, especially small numbers.

"OMG who was that, Mindy?" -- Do people actually say that? I'm willing to bet women Rachel's age don't. If you want to use some short cuts while you're writing, that's fine, but people don't talk in acronyms (Washington, DC, residents and gov't workers excepted ).

Your dialogue punctuation is inconsistent. Sometimes you leave out the end comma or period before the last quote, and at least once you put the period outside the quotes. This is a major peeve for me, although I know dialogue punctuation can be confusing. But the info is out there.

Keep writing -- practice makes us all better.

 

[dscollins]

PennLady -
Thanks so much for the comments and feedback - all really helpful for a novice like me!

Definitely appreciated and will help me improve.
DS

 

[MaxSebastian]

First of all, I agree with all PennLady's points, so I'll check those off my notes

There's a number of typos and things here and there, but spelling and grammar is okay for the most part. Please don't capitalize anything to emphasize it! The reader can be trusted to emphasize what's necessary in their own head as they read.

There's a few odd switches of point of view - mostly sudden paragraphs from Derek's POV - which are not necessary. Sure, we need to know more about him (more on that in a moment), but since you only offer us a paragraph here, a paragraph there from his POV, it doesn't add anything. Keep it simple, keep it from Rachel's POV probably, since she's the main protagonist.

There's too much description to start, it bogs everything down. You'll lose a lot of casual readers from this. Why do we need to know so much detail about the girls' bodies? Not yet. Drop in a few details to let us know who they are, but you can add in more detail as we go, mixing it in with the action to keep the story going.

In fact, I'd start the story at the point where they walk past Derek for the first time. He stops Rachel in her tracks almost the moment she steps off the ferry and arrives in Mindy's old home town. Why is he so special, and how does she react? That would be a better beginning in my opinion.

This is a reunion - are all these people Mindy knew in high school? I'm confused. There doesn't seem to be a lot of reunioning going on. Are Colin and Brad just random studs or did Mindy know them? Did she know Derek? It's not clear.

Don't name characters in the text before they've been introduced. It makes the reader think they've missed something.

There's quite a few very chunky paragraphs, which are hard to read. Break them up, mix it up, some short paragraphs, some longer. It helps with the pace. New paragraphs for new actions, new thoughts.

There's no real explanation of why Derek's so special that Rachel's thinking about him so much after just walking by him once. He's SO HOT, but then Colin is also SO HOT apparently. There wasn't much interaction with Derek - why is she so hooked on him?

Derek turns up, and there's no explanation of why he is drawn to Rachel, either, perhaps other than your odd little paragraphs from Derek's POV, but I think I've forgotten them because the switches of POV were a little odd. Why is he only looking at her when there are plenty of other women around apparently interested in him and he's never spoken to Rachel? It's not clear.

Then as PennLady said, there's no explanation for why Rachel and Derek suddenly have sex - not much in the way of flirting.

On the whole, I'd say it's your first story, so accept that you've got plenty of room to develop. The basics are there - you can tell a story, you can put a narrative together, and you've tried to offer an interesting setting and a structure that builds to a conclusion, so that's good. I think you show plenty of promise.

You have plenty to work on in your writing, however (as we all do!).

My main sense is that there's not enough real feeling in all this, and not enough characterization. You're just telling us what happens, it's very visual. How is Rachel feeling about all this? There's very little insight into her thought process - why is Derek so attractive, how does she feel as Colin makes his play for her, etc. And use all five senses when you're writing, particularly the love scene - and thoughts, concerns, responses, emotions. More, better dialogue would help a lot.

Hope that helps

 

[dscollins]

Again - thanks for those comments - all really helpful. Definitely gives me lots to focus on.
Thanks!

 

[Metamorphose]

Good writing, no conflict

No conflict , conflict moves a story around. I, as a reader, dont care for shiny happy people laughing. I want to see them bitch and quarrel and finding themselves in a crucible of conflict.
Make her or Derek work for sex. Put an envy boyfriend/husband/girlfriend in the middle. Maybe racial tension.

The good:
Nice sex scene.
Good style.