Requesting Feedback for "The Assassin and the Sorceress"

[StuckFanatic]

I've been posting this story for a while. Generally I've been getting good reviews, and a modest number of commenters are encouraging me to keep it up, which I love! But I'd like to get some feedback from folks who might not have decided to comment.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-assassin-and-the-sorceress-ch-01

The fetish parts: Are they weird? I used to write for a fetish forum called stickysite.com until it went down for good. This is where I came after. The 'stuck' fetish encompases stuff like girls getting stuck in glue, wedged in holes, and other types of nontraditional or accidental bondage. I, personally, have a thing for magic being used to that end. I know this may not be everyone's thing. I put a decent amount of 'stuck' i there, though I don't focus on it. Do the 'stuck' scenes weird anyone out, or can they appeal to general tastes?

The religious themes: Layed on a little thick? I'm not trying to push my opinions on religion so much as explain my characters' motivations. I just want to make sure it comes off as good storytelling, rather than me getting all preachy.

ILLUSTRATIONS!!!
What would you like to see? The most important question! I have contacted a very talented 3D artist who has agreed to provide a few illustrations. He's very reasonably priced. So far I have requested 3 character portraits and one scene, and so far the first draft of Morgana is enticing beyond even what I had hoped! Not sure yet if I am going to purchase more, but if I do, does anyone have any favorite characters or scenes that they would like to see illustrated in immaculate detail? I'm buying, so ask away!

 

[Bramblethorn]

There were a few minor issues that may have slipped past the editor:

It's clear purpose was to keep intruders that made it into this solar, as she just had, from penetrating deeper into the castle.

"It's" should be "Its" here.

The iron was surprisingly good condition

- missing "in".

Adrielle Tanner silently scaled the rough stone walls of the ancient keep. She was dressed head to foot in dark, tight-fitting clothing

"tight-fitting" sucks for climbing and fighting, unless Adrielle has contacts among the Spandex Elves, in which case it's just a poor fashion choice ;-)

She set the bar down on the stone floor and crouched through the hole she had made.

"crouched" doesn't work here - did you mean "crawled"?

Other than that, I thought Chapter 1 was pretty well written. (I don't have time to read further today, maybe another day.)

The one criticism I would make is that Morgana is presented as being so powerful that it takes a lot of the tension out of it. If I know Adrielle's going to get caught as soon as Morgana feels like putting her escape attempt to an end, it's hard to get as excited to know how it works out.

BTW, I don't know if it was deliberate, but "Gwendolyn" is an amusingly appropriate name given the content of this story...

 

[CyranoJ]

I remember reading a couple of chapters of this some time ago. The writing is pretty solid and no, I don't think you lay the religious themes on too thick (at lost not to the end of Chapter 3, which is where I've gotten to at this point).

The "stuck" kink was new on me and to be totally honest, erotically speaking I find it a bit inscrutable. I can't speak definitively about its "general" appeal but it strikes me as a sub-niche of BDSM comparably specific to, say, tentacles or dollification. Having said that, given that it's your thing I think you should be as over-the-top as you like about celebrating it; often it's full commitment that can bring across the hotness of even the most specific kink to a general audience.

So in re: your question about which illustrations you should get, I would vote the "stuck" scene at the top of Chapter 2 for your scene, and getting illustrations of Morgana, Gwendolyn and Adrielle.

 

[Bramblethorn]

The "stuck" kink was new on me and to be totally honest, erotically speaking I find it a bit inscrutable. I can't speak definitively about its "general" appeal but it strikes me as a sub-niche of BDSM comparably specific to, say, tentacles or dollification. Having said that, given that it's your thing I think you should be as over-the-top as you like about celebrating it; often it's full commitment that can bring across the hotness of even the most specific kink to a general audience.

Just to add - it may be a specialist kink with a narrow audience, but that's all the more reason why that audience will love you for writing it. So, yeah, don't hold back. Some folk will go "oh, that guy who writes the stuff I'm not into" and skip past your story, but others will hang on every update. I'd count that as a net win.

PS - I would suggest adding a tag "stuck fetish" to make it easier for people with that kink to find it.

 

[StuckFanatic]

Thanks for your comments! Bramblethorn, some of that was a little more in the weeds than I was thinking, but those are also good things to point out. I'll keep that list of grammar errors for when I edit it to add the illustrations. Yeah, I know her second escape attempt was a bit of a 'don't go in the room' moment. It's good to know if there are weak areas in my writing.
No, I have never heard of Sweet Gwendoline. If you read on, and not to spoil too much, she turns out to be less of the damsel in distress she was introduced as.

To both of you: I'm glad that the fetish parts aren't too bad. As long as there's no 'what the fuck is wrong with this weirdo' effect, that's good enough for me. These are some of the things that make me hover my mouse over the submit button for an inordinate amount of time. I mean, Quentin Tarantino puts a foot-fetish scene in each of his movies, but nobody seems too weirded out cause the movies are fucking awesome! We can allow him his fun.

Cyrano, as a matter of fact, those are exactly the scenes I have commissioned.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Thanks for your comments! Bramblethorn, some of that was a little more in the weeds than I was thinking, but those are also good things to point out. I'll keep that list of grammar errors for when I edit it to add the illustrations. Yeah, I know her second escape attempt was a bit of a 'don't go in the room' moment. It's good to know if there are weak areas in my writing.
No, I have never heard of Sweet Gwendoline. If you read on, and not to spoil too much, she turns out to be less of the damsel in distress she was introduced as.

Well, if predicament bondage is your thing, take that as a recommendation for the other Gwendoline

To both of you: I'm glad that the fetish parts aren't too bad. As long as there's no 'what the fuck is wrong with this weirdo' effect, that's good enough for me. These are some of the things that make me hover my mouse over the submit button for an inordinate amount of time. I mean, Quentin Tarantino puts a foot-fetish scene in each of his movies, but nobody seems too weirded out cause the movies are fucking awesome! We can allow him his fun.

Somebody managed to get an entire series out of wrapping Roy Orbison in clingfilm. I'm pretty sure yours is more mainstream than that

When I started out on Literotica I was worried that I was going to piss off readers because of the way I write. Slow, talky, emphasis more on emotions and storyline than on the physical details of sex.

And, yeah, I got one or two comments that said "this story sucks, it's boring and not enough sex". From the story view stats, I suspect there were several more readers who felt the same way and didn't bother to comment.

But I found out that there are also readers who enjoy that style of story. Along with "this sucks" I got several "please write more" comments, and I did. Nineteen story submissions later, some of those folk who enjoyed my first piece are still around and commenting, still leaving nice comments even on the weird experimental stuff.

The people who hated my first story? Never heard from them again. I assume they figured out that I wasn't worth their time, stopped reading my stuff, and went off to look for something more to their liking. I wish 'em well.

Moral - don't worry about trying to please everybody. Write what you enjoy writing, do a good job of it, and you'll make some people happy.