Requesting Advice: Psychological Impact

[LucianaGrace]

Hello everyone.

I was hoping that I might ask for some advice about the psychological impact on subs/slaves. I suppose I need to make this a little clearer. I apologise, this is quite difficult for me to ask so openly. I was a slave for a Master who I have come to learn is a social psychopath. There are things I've experienced that I don't wish to taint this forum with. It was a long term relationship, and it ended rather suddenly and traumatically. I came to see that he used the sadist title to inflict psychological and physical abuse. I am not here to place blame or play the victim card, as I should have approached things differently too. I just genuinely want to understand the psychology of my experience so I can heal and move on with my life.

So my questions are:
1. Is it possible to psychologically heal from this type of experience? My body has healed, as some time has passed now. But my mind...I'm not who I used to be.
2. Is my experience common?
3. Will I ever psychologically detach from this man?

I'd appreciate any response. And if this is not an appropriate post for this space, I am very sorry. I just don't know where/who else to ask.

I hope this all finds you well. Please take care of yourselves and each other.

Yours,
Lucy

 

[BiBunny]

Ugh, this thread is so timely for me.

I, too, was once the slave of a sociopath. In my case, it was all tangled up with my own mental illness (Bipolar I) as well.

After I extricated myself from that hot fucking mess, I believed two things: One, that my "submission" was a function of my illness, and two, that I would never be attracted to another dominant man again.

I've recently been proven wrong in both regards because of course I have.

Here are my thoughts on your questions.


1.) Yes, you can heal. You'll never be who you used to be...but do you want to be? You didn't deserve the treatment you got, but you learned from it. Now you know how to recognize the kind of person who'd use you for their own Machiavellian ends. You wouldn't want to give that knowledge back, would you?

2.) I can only speculate here. I'd say it's more common than you'd think, simply because there are more sociopaths out there than most people realize. But it's not talked about often.

3.) Yes. Absolutely yes. If you want to be loose from him, you will be, eventually. It just takes time. Zero contact will help it along.

(For reference, it took me about three years to get over the relationship and nearly six to be attracted to another dominant man. But it happened! That motherfucker didn't take that from me.)

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

So my questions are:
1. Is it possible to psychologically heal from this type of experience? My body has healed, as some time has passed now. But my mind...I'm not who I used to be.
2. Is my experience common?
3. Will I ever psychologically detach from this man?

I'd appreciate any response. And if this is not an appropriate post for this space, I am very sorry. I just don't know where/who else to ask.

1. Yes, you can heal from this, but trauma is labeled as such for a reason. Regardless of severity, you will always bear scars to some degree. Healing mostly comes down to a mental balancing act between not falling victim to familiar patterns and learned behaviors, while at the same time not allowing yourself to shut down or become hostile and resentful to perceived similarities or triggers in future situations. It's not easy, and don't ever berate yourself for stumbling or even falling every now and then. You're not perfect, not one of us is. Support is paramount, whether that comes in the form of friends and family, therapy, or even random online conversation as some have discovered, whatever works for you. Find it and utilize it as often as you need. You're not weak for needing help, nor are you so broken that you can't find some way to deal. Trust me.

2. If I had a nickel for every person I've met in my life that was taken advantage of or abused in some form by a manipulative piece of garbage that didn't deserve an ounce of the affection they were given, I'd have been able to have the god damn moon colorized by now.

3. Yes, you will be able to separate yourself and move on eventually. Like most bad experiences, while you're still very much in the thick of it, you won't be able to see the light at the end. It's there. It will get easier every day. The longer you are away, the more good experiences you have after the fact, and every positive interaction you have without those old triggers being tripped or recognizing them before it gets to that point, will bring you closer.

This is the Talk thread, that's why it's here, fer talkin'. You won't be boxed out for asking a serious question. No need to apologize. I hope something someone says clicks with you, or at the very least, provides you some small semblance of comfort. You'll get there, just take it slow and do what you gotta do to let go.

 

[Farawyn]

Hi Lucy. Welcome.

I agree with what the other posters have said.
I would also advise you to get professional help. You were abused.

Please keep us posted. Take care of you.

 

[Blue]

I would also advise you to get professional help. You were abused.

If you haven't already got that, strongly agree, but also make sure that whomever you see is familiar with victims specifically from that relationship style (D/s, S/M, etc). Might be uncomfortable but if that ever came up, well, it's too easy for even a professional to start conclusion jumping about such relatively alien behaviour, and happens much more often than we'd like to think.

I mention it because I was reading years-old posts a few weeks ago and one Litster whose name I forget (Ataxia girl?) and Farawyn's statement brought their story to mind. Essentially, they started therapy for their bipolar issues or something, and ended it soon after mentioning her BDSM relationship style, due to their therapist getting irrationally fixated on it and deciding that her masochism was a coping mechanism or something for the mental illness (It's not.) and that she must be in a relationship with a genuine Hannibal Lecter.

Really not a Rancor Pit you would want to go down.

 

[John Blackhawk]

1) I'm no psychology expert but i like to believe yes you can heal from something like that. The thing is not to let something like that fester like an infected wound. Also its advisable not to get involved with the same kind of man as your former master because you run the risk of reopening said aforementioned "psychological" wounds. Ideally i think you need to find a Sir/Master that will make you feel safe.

2)I don't know if id call your experience common but how to put it there are guys like your ex-master and there are decent supportive type masters.

3)Not sure how to respond again i don't claim to be any sort of psychological expert. I imagine there are a number of factors involved. But like i mentioned before finding a Sir/Master that will make you feel safe will help and a good start.

 

[cookiecat]

As others said here, seek help. Consilience made a great point - in seeking therapy, you can look for kink friendly therapists.

Here's a place to start:

https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage

Good for you for reaching out.

 

[Nezhul]

Well, first of all, I wish you all the best and it's good the relationship is over for you.
Now further about your questions

1. Is it possible to psychologically heal from this type of experience? My body has healed, as some time has passed now. But my mind...I'm not who I used to be.

Is it possible?
Yes, definitely.

Will you "heal"? Well, define healing.
Every experience in our lived gives us a mark that will never go away. The "healing" in this case would be not letting that mark taint your further experiences. And that's tricky.
Some people work through almost anything and come on top of insane traumas and disasters. Other people are psychologically weaker and require help to do that.
No one here can judge who you are. We can only hope you will be allright and give you some general advice. Basically it's the same advice that any trauma victim gets.

Don't try to work through it on your own. Some people can make it - many can't. Involve a friend or some support circle that can understand you better. A psychologist or therapist works too. The fact that you seek advice here is a very good sign, but you really should find people in the real world to talk to and hold your hand and do stuff that forum community can not.

You'll never be "who you used to be", but that's true for any major and impactful experience. What you need to do is find a good man whom you trust. If BDSM is your kink - get involved in some light play where you are still in control. That's a lesson for you to not try hardcore stuff with people whom you don't know well enough.

I hope you don't let this experience ruin your fun and the view you have on men.

2. Is my experience common?

It is quite common. Domestic abuse happens everywhere, all around the world. Psychological pressure included.
Not everyone dress it up in BDSM terms, but some are bound to.

You should understand that what happened to you was not BDSM. How do you tell the difference? Well, let me put it to you very simply.
In a hardcore relationship your master may deliver pain to you - both physical and mental. What's important is the aim and consideration.

A BDSM sadist may derive pleasure from making you suffer, but he does it ONLY when he's 100% sure that you derive pleasure from it as well. No matter how much a sadist may want to see your tears, he will not hit you until he is completely convinced that you will like it, and has ensured all sorts of safe words and other rules that will not let that pain to become harmful and "not fun".
A psychopath will not care. He wants to see real suffering, not the enjoyment of suffering.

Now for a sub. When your master makes you do something, you should always derive pleasure from this in some form. A pleasure of a masochist can have layers and layers to it, but it's sill the pleasure.
The moment that something happens that you DO NOT enjoy on any level - you need to become very clear vocal about it. A good dominant will accept it as your limit or will try to talk to you and work out how this could be done in a fashion that you would enjoy.
A bad dominant will not care, or tell you that as a submissive you need to do as he says. That you won't be a "real sub" if you question him or disobey something.

There's your differece and your red flag that you need to always be aware of.

BDSM is a game, sometimes a hardcore one. But it's a sexual experience and as such it's built on some ground rules that are true for all sexual acts.
1) Both partners do it to derive pleasure from it. The moment someone is not pleased with something - it stops being a good experience.
2) Both partners care about the other one's pleasure and consent. The moment this is not so, it becomes rape, essentially. And BTW a sub can do that as well to the dom, although its more rare.

3. Will I ever psychologically detach from this man?

If you want to, yes, definitely.

What you really need to do is find yourself a new boyfriend. Even someone vanilla. But make sure it's a good match, not just any random guy.
It will help because you will get new experiences of a different man, and those experiences will go on top of your bad ones, covering them up.

As long as your Ex is your most recent boyfriend and man - it will be harder to process and get over your stress and fears. But as soon as you get a new date you will feel better and better.

Even if you just go dating without committing - talking to other men will help patch up your soul and will push away your Ex, making it easy to detach from him.

If you feel very down or broken, if you don't think you can date at this moment - please, consult a therapist or a good friend. You can't avoid dating forever, and waiting longer is not a proper way of doing that.

On that note, I wish you best of everything!

 

[LucianaGrace]

Thank you so much for all your gentle words of advice. I can't express how much you have all helped.

BiBunny, I am so sorry that you went through something similar. And I am so happy to hear how you have come through stronger, and able to trust.

To clarify, I did seek professional help once the relationship ended. I tried once to explain the situation to the psychologist, but as Consilience suggested, it wasn't received well. No one in my immediate surroundings knows what happened, other than it was a bad situation that isolated me for a few years. That's something that I am working on.

It's the workings of my mind that are my struggle. I am stronger than I used to be, more articulate in my needs. But as I carry out my day, I find myself retreating to routines set by the Ex-Master. I do it without thinking. That's the psychological connection I can't seem to break. But you've all given me some great suggestions, and hope! It's my time to be true to me...with baby steps and care.

You're all amazing.

Thank you,
Lucy

 

[Nezhul]

But as I carry out my day, I find myself retreating to routines set by the Ex-Master. I do it without thinking. That's the psychological connection I can't seem to break.

Such habits will probably go away in time.
It's like with all the bad habits that you have - the important thing is that you notice yourself doing that and correct immediately.

For example I recently had a problem with a parasite word "sort of" (but in Russian), and it took me several months of frustratingly noticing it a hundred times a day to finally get better at avoiding it altogether. It was very frustrating because it seemed like it stuck to my speech for good.

But when you have a bad habit - any habit you want to get rid of - the only thing you need is to remind yourself that you want to get rid of it every time you notice yourself doing it. In time your mind adjusts to avoid it

There's also a thing used by proofessional image-makers when they need to quickly teach a celebrity or a person they are working for to avoid some gestures or words. The idea is over-exposure.
Say you have a habit of scratching your head when you talk and this looks really bad. Well, they will show you a long video of people doing the same and how bad it looks. Then they may ask you to scratch your head every time you say something. You do this and your mind thinks: "God, I look awfully stupid." Your mind associates the gesture with negative emotion, and so they get rid of the habit REALLY quickly.

The point of me tellig you this story is to show how it works. The mere fact that you feel negatively about those habits or that they bring up bad memories - this alone will help you get rid of them if you don't give up.

 

[tryn2Bgood]

Hello. I really should be working right now, but I wanted to take a minute to answer your post.

Take the D/s element out of this for a minute and recognize it for what it was . . . Domestic abuse. Which means none of it was your fault or deserved. In such cases, therapy is always recommended, but not necessarily in the form of a professional psychologist. There's nothing 'wrong' with you...no deep rooted issues you need to help to work through. (At least, the info you have given doesn't indicate that) I think you would benefit more from counseling you would find in resourses for 'battered women' or 'survivors of domestic abuse'. Maybe even support groups that you find there . . . Talking with other women who have gone through similar ordeals. The D/s aspect doesn't need to play into thsee discussions if you feel uncomfortable disclosing that. The abusive treatment will still be similar to what others have experienced.

Now, back to the D/s aspect. I think it is terrible that he used this as a median for administering his abuse. And that probably left you feeling like you were partially to blame because you were 'letting him' do these things willingly. Please understand that is not the case. Your only mistake was that you trusted someone that took advantage of that. It's tricky when you want to be submissive to someone. You expect them to value your service to them while still dominating you or 'using' you. You assume they will take care of you, keep you safe, and look out for your emotional and physical wellbeing while satisfying both your and his desires. And a good Dom WILL do that. He will respect you and your limits. He will be aware of when it's getting close to too much, or when your reactions aren't positive ones. Those men are out there. Don't be discouraged by the bad one that took advantage of you.

As far as the psychological effect, your 'learned behaviors or tendencies' will eventually fade. Even in good D/s relationships, it's hard to break certain habits you've been accustomed to when the relationship ends. But you will. Sometimes it's a struggle. It might take some time to become your own person again, but you'll get there. His hold on you isn't permanent.

You'll never be the same as you were before. As someone else pointed out, all experiences, good and bad, leave an impression on our lives. That doesn't mean you'll be 'less' than you were before . . . just different. Still you, but with added knowledge and experience . . . Valuable lessons learned and more insight into yourself. You can take a bad experience and grow from it. You can overcome any obstacles and become an even better version of you.

I hope you can find peace within yourself. And know you aren't alone. There are many before you, and unfortunately, there will be others after you that have gone through or will go through a similar ordeal. Reach out for support when needed, and try to stay strong and positive as you move on. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there.