Request for Story Review/Critique

[yukonnights]

Our second story is published, and we would like to ask for your review and critique.

We received a lot of helpful advice here after posting the first story, and are hoping that we will get some good input on this too. The advice/critiques are very helpful as we try to improve our writing.

The biggest problem with the first attempt was poor character development and a rushed plot. (We learned from the comments here that it was really just a scene and not a story at all.) The intent of this second effort was to try to develop a true short story; a beginning, a build-up to climax and finally a definable climax to the story. Plus most importantly, a theme or reason for the story.

The story is; "Surrender To Love" - a bisexual mmf love story, posted in the Group Sex category here:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=325542

CAUTION: This story includes scenes of male homosexuality (just in case you prefer not to read this type of material. It's also a bit long at three Lit. pages.

Below I will give a brief overview of the story plot and theme, etc. (So if you prefer to read it first in order to come to your own unadulterated opinions, this is a good place to stop reading.)

First, this was a difficult story to do. It is a work of pure 100% fiction and thus, there was a weak basis of first hand knowledge to build on (we do know about love though and also know that many same gender couples share true love, so it wasn't that big of a stretch). We wanted to do a story that would be a bit controversial and thought provoking. We chose this theme after reading numerous posts here on Lit. from men who would gladly have sex with another man, but would never kiss or love another man. So we decided to explore and discuss the "true love" aspect of some male/male relationships.

The plot revolves around a mmf threesome; old friends who have become more. After an introductory scene involving all three (primarily to show that the men are also in love with a woman), the story then places the two men together alone. This is the first time that they have been alone together for an extended period of time since the three-way affair began. It is set in a remote cabin in Alaska. The two men face and overcome conflicting emotions of love as the story moves along.

The theme (or what we're trying to say) is; we do not choose the ones we love, we can only choose to accept or reject them when love come along. A sub theme could be; same gender love is the same as heterosexual love.

The story is told in the first person point of view from the protagonist Aaron.

The antagonist is; fear of the unknown or fear of societal judgment toward two people of the same gender being in love.

Thanks in advance for reading, considering and then constructively commenting on these stories. I know it takes time and effort, but it truly does help.

 

[yukonnights]

No Input???

I've waited and waited to see if anyone would read and comment on this story, but to no avail

I got a lot of advice as to "where" to post it, and worked hard to write it, and quite a few views on this post, but no reviews. May I ask why? Is it the content, the length or what? Anyway, I'll bump it up once and see what happens.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

YUKONNIGHTS

I didnt read your story. I read your comments about your story. Two things jumped out:

Are you clear about what a plot is?

And your premise (not theme) seems to be: You cant anticipate love.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thanks for bumping!

Was away on vacation and would have missed this. So glad I didn't. I thought you handled the tension/threat of discovering the bisexuality pretty well. Also, your writing is easy on the eye and flows nicely.

James's opinion should be disregarded if he couldn't give you the courtesy of reading your story. I've never seen anyone here comment without reading a post.

First, some general reflections:

Get rid of the preface. Readers click off easily and a big pseudo-confessional blurb is a big turnoff. See Rumple Foreskin's brilliant piece on how to start a story in Writers' Resources.

Start with action and let the facts appear, preferably through dialogue, or through narration as you go along. Don't overload us before we are hooked.

Ellipses are meant to signify a tailing off - unfinished thought. You shouldn't use them for pauses.

I'm a girly, I don't understand what guys see in each other, but I do know what I see in guys. From my POV, I would have liked you to develop the romance a bit more.

More specific:

I went to Fairbanks once and fell in love with the place. I wish you had given us more or the harsh beauty of Alaska - it could have dovetailed with your descriptionsof how the two guys got on.

Seriously, you write very well and tell a fascinating story. Just for me, I would like a bit more angst between the three protagonists and more of the story/action in dialogue.

Great start, look forward to reading more.

 

[Varian P]

Hi Yukonnights,

Although I always try to give honest feedback without allowing my personal preferences to influence my critique unduly, just to let you know where I'm coming from as a reader, your story touches on a lot of my pet encounters and issues--things I've included in much of my own writing: mmf threesomes featuring D/P, the three-way MMF love relationship, and the angsty aspect of entering an unorthodox relationship.

Despite being predisposed to being an extremely sympathetic reader for this story, I really struggled to get to the bottom of that first Lit page. I'll second Elfin--you really ought to get rid of that preamble. It doesn't pique my curiosity and make me want to read the story. Let the story itself pull me in and express whatever it is that's worth putting across to the reader. It's better to let me "feel" the love between the characters you're writing about that to preface the story by telling me what is special about their love.

Similarly, you're wasting valuable space--the precious opening of the story itself--with a lot of rather dull, extraneous rambling about the preparations for the trip. It would be much more effective to open the story with a focus on the physical and emotional tension of these characters about to say good-bye, in the case of Sylvia, and about to go off alone together for the first time, in the case of Randy and Aaron. Then, reveal the source of the tension and excitement in the course of the action and dialog.

I found the initial interaction leading up to the threesome a bit awkward--the dialog seemed stilted and off--but once the action got underway, you've written a damned hot sex scene (says the girl with a thing for mmf threesomes ), and after that point, I found your narrative style engaging, and enjoyed the unfolding of the emotional aspect of the relationship between Aaron and Randy.

You have the skill to write well. Just question every sentence, every scene, every paragraph, and if it isn't critical to the story--revealing something about a character, driving the plot forward, or doing some important thematic work, let it go. Don't let it water down what's meaningful in the story.

All just my opinions, of course. Hope some of it's helpful.

-Varian

 

[yukonnights]

Thank You

Thanks for the comments. I do appreciate the opportunity to learn from them.

Funny, I thought that the forward was a clever way to take care of some introductions. But that seemed to be something that bothered both of you, so I guess I better work to incorporate the background into the story next time. (What did you think of the epilogue?)

Varian P, I am going to read some of your stories on this theme now that I know you have written something that touches on some of the same issues. The issues involved are really interesting and complex. I think they are worthy of discussion. Too many people do not appreciate the love that is often shared by same gender partners. Good suggestion on getting the story going w/o describing the packing and all. I just wasn't experienced enough to see how to do it.

Elfin, thanks for directing me to Rumple Foreskin's piece on starting a story. The next one we are working on is a heterosexual romance and all of the advice and input is helpful. I think this second effort that you just reviewed is much better than the first story we did simply because of the comments and advice received here. It all helps. I would enjoy being more descriptive about the unique beauties of Alaska as you suggested, but I am always concerned that too much extraneous detail would not be appreciated by most Lit readers. I thought this story was getting logish at three pages. (By the way, did you just get to Fairbanks or did you visit other parts of the state?)

Thanks again for your time.

 

[MarshAlien]

I think the reason that you liked the preface is that you see the work as a memoir. The rest of us are approaching it as fiction, and we don't care how much of it is true or not; we only want to get to know the characters, whether they're you, based on you, or somebody else. And we can only do that through the fiction, not through a lens that you try to impose on it at the beginning.

I think the same holds true for the epilogue, particularly since one of the things you don't pull if is this "talking directly to the audience" bit. (For what it's worth, I've tried it myself only very few times, and very sparingly in the course of any one work, and probably haven't been any more successful.) Let the story end; don't try to put a psychological twist on it.

If I have one overall criticism, it's that your characters try a little too hard to be insightful when they speak, at the expense of seeming natural. They come across, particularly on the first page, as a couple of debaters trying very hard to use complete sentences. When you do get more "natural" on the second page, it's jarring, both because it's now otu of place and because you don't seem quite comfortable with it (e.g., "sit'n" in place of "sittin'").

I would encourage you to keep writing, though. Your narrative flows very easily, and you tell the story very well. You have a few grammar issues (some your/you're problems in particular), and a good editor would help a lot.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

DEAR ELFIN

I take things as they come down the pike. And the first two critters I encountered were in the post.

Let's say the writer reveals he wrote his story in sonata-allegro form. Well, I'll be curious about what that's all about. I dont need to read the story first, when the poster sprinkles his post with curiosities.

First things first.

 

[Varian P]

Varian P, I am going to read some of your stories on this theme now that I know you have written something that touches on some of the same issues. The issues involved are really interesting and complex. I think they are worthy of discussion. Too many people do not appreciate the love that is often shared by same gender partners.

I wish I had a nice short story to suggest, but I'm afraid my M.O. is the novel. And usually the themes we're discussing here are wrapped up with others, in my stuff. But "Hurt" is largely about three people working out their relationship. Maybe you should check out chapter five, where the focus really shifts to that aspect of the story, and see if the rest is likely to be your cup of tea.

-Varian

 

[yukonnights]

YUKONNIGHTS

I didnt read your story. I read your comments about your story. Two things jumped out:

Are you clear about what a plot is?

And your premise (not theme) seems to be: You cant anticipate love.

James,

I may be mistaken in my use of the terms "theme" and "plot". Obviously I am not a professional writer and I'm simply using the terms I learned in my college literature classes.

To clarify; to me plot is simply the story line from point A to B to C and on to the end. The theme is the intended message (or what is the author trying to make the reader think about, or what point is being made in the story). So the plot is simply a means to make the bigger point. There could be an unlimited number of different plots to convey the same theme. Also, different readers may come up with a different interpretation of the theme (sort of like looking at a painting and trying to interpret what the artist intended).

Please correct me if I'm mistaken. Thanks for your input.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

DEAR ELFIN

I take things as they come down the pike. And the first two critters I encountered were in the post.

Let's say the writer reveals he wrote his story in sonata-allegro form. Well, I'll be curious about what that's all about. I dont need to read the story first, when the poster sprinkles his post with curiosities.

First things first.

Point taken. Must have been a bad hair day, I'm sorry.

Serious though, wish you would take a look at people who ask for a crit. From what I've read from you, you could be a great help here.

Elle