Request for feedback

[Rfranco]

I started writing on this site a couple months ago, with the idea of maybe just submitting one story, but have found the writing process very enjoyable, and want to continue. I have received some nice feedback from the first story (people enjoyed the story, thought it was hot, etc.) but nothing on the technical end. If anyone has some spare time, I would definitely appreciate your comments/critiques. Thanks in advance!

http://www.literotica.com/s/fantasy-cum-to-life

http://www.literotica.com/s/kristin-and-paul

 

[PennLady]

Okay, I'll bite. You asked for feedback on the mechanics, so I won't say much about the plot. This is about "Kristin and Paul;" I didn't read the other story, as Trans/Cross isn't a genre I care for.

First, I noticed you used numbers where you should spell them out. They are in their "mid-twenties" and working "within ten miles" of each other. Most numbers should be spelled out, although there are times when it either doesn't matter or it's an exception. In these cases, though, it's a bit lazy. Also: "seven o'clock."

Second, in the second sentence of the first graph, why is "separate schools" in parentheses? Why not just say something like "They dated for a couple of years in college, despite going to separate schools." For one thing, going to separate schools usually results in a relationship falling apart.

Third, you need to hyphenate your compound adjectives.
-- two twenty-year-olds
-- six-month period

Fourth, the punctuation in your dialogue needs work.

For example, you wrote: "Move over", she playfully demanded.
The comma should be inside the quote. In this one: Kristin laughed "Yeah righttt" there was no punctuation at all, and should have had a period inside the quote.

So those are the technical things I noticed. Stepping back a bit further, there was a lot of "telling"at first in this story, which I know you need to a degree for setting things up, but I thought was overdone.

 

[Rfranco]

Pennlady

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, I appreciate it. It's funny how much is missed when reviewing your own work. You brought up a lot of good points, and I definitely need to tighten up some aspects. Thanks again, penn

 

[PacoFear]

Wow, free reign to nitpick? Where's the quibble guy? This is like popping on the frickin' Bat Signal.

Below are the things that caught my eye, Rfranco. Hats off to you for 1) caring enough about what you're writing to ask for help, and 2) mustering up the courage to let us take shots from back in the cheap seats.

Best of luck to you,

-PF

"You want to go to my..." Paul started, but was cut off.

This is interrupted speech, which should be punctuated with an em dash (that's the long one) rather than an ellipsis.​

The thought of telling her to keep it down entered his mind for about 2 seconds; then he decided this pussy was too good, and to just do with it.

The semicolon usage is improper; they're for joining independent clauses like I've done in this sentence. Replace your semicolon with a comma.​

One orgasm in, her she was putting on a performance in front of a girl she disdained.

Ditch the "her."​

Kristin then began picking up the pace, and Paul couldn't stay still anymore. He began jackhammering K's pussy, with both hands on her hips

Why refer to Kristin as "K"? For starters, I didn't notice any introduction. As a nickname it would be better to write it phonetically as "Kay." It's also ambiguous insofar as the two girls' names begin with K.​

There are words set off in quotation marks that don't need them, e.g., "trash" and "monster."

I'm pretty sure that it's either "okay" or "OK." I don't believe "ok" is okay. In any event, you're inconsistent in its usage. There's an "ok" within a line or two of an "okay."