Request for feedback

[EddyFox]

I posted a story in the SciFi section called Hidden Charms. Feedback has been minimal. I had another of my stories win the award for Feb 2005 which I didn't feel was as good. Is this just part of submitting in the SciFi catagory? In any case, I'd appreciate some feedback on Hidden Charms.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=504840&page=submissions

Thanks

EddyFox

 

[EveAnna]

Hi EddyFox,

I've just read your story 'Hidden Charms' - it was very good. I like the way the story moved along, you explained your characters and it kept my interest from start to finish.

I'm going back now to read your other submissions.

 

[Nasha]

I posted a story in the SciFi section called Hidden Charms. Feedback has been minimal. I had another of my stories win the award for Feb 2005 which I didn't feel was as good. Is this just part of submitting in the SciFi catagory? In any case, I'd appreciate some feedback on Hidden Charms.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=504840&page=submissions

Thanks

EddyFox

Hi EddyFox.

I'm not too knowledgeable about the general response to the sci fi category, relative to others, but as I understand it, the monthly awards are granted based on vote scores, and my (highly subjective, of course) evaluation is that that's often a gauge of stroke value more than literary quality (though some of the high-scoring stories are well written).

But, on to your story.

I really like your opening. That terse little bit of dialogue caught my attention right away, and then, in the first big prose paragraph, you give us a concise, engaging glimpse of your main character. In a few nicely voiced sentences I learn she's young, lives with her parents, that she's a thinker but a poor student, I get an image of her appearance and some clues about her friends--all without the dull rap sheet so many writers fall back on to introduce their characters.

To nitpick a couple small things:

It's not a pet peeve of mine, but a lot of people will advise you to break up longer paragraphs to make them easier on the eyes of your reader. Your opening paragraph is pretty weighty, and it has a natural breaking point after "They never ASKED her to do anything." That ends the paragraph about her parents, and you'd start your next paragraph with "She was sure..." which is all about her own ideas.

This sentence is hard work to parse:

On the upside, unpleasant jobs tended to make these people that fate had made her family leave her alone.

And here, I'm pretty sure you want "reveled," and not "reviled":

As they filed out of the kitchen into the den to watch TV, Jodi reviled in the solitude if not in her task.

The brief comment about prom does a lovely job of driving home the dark banality of life that this story is taking on. You're doing a lovely job of getting to me without getting maudlin.

You've got a facile command of language, and do a nice job with dialogue and descriptive passages.

It seems to me the sex scenes are the least vivid in the story. You do get graphic, but you don't slow down to paint the picture, the way you do with other aspects of the story. Also, your terminology seems kind of all over the map: phallus, pussy, manhood, vaginal wall—you kind of run the gamut from porny to coy to clinical, and I found myself very aware of your wording, which pulls me out of the scene. I think you'd be better off voicing these scenes as carefully as you did that opening paragraph. If it's Jodi's POV, decide, is she coy in her way of thinking about her body and Ian's/Mike's bodies? Then phrases like “between her thighs,” “deep inside her,” “his manhood,” etc., make sense. If she's more direct, despite her lack of experience, words like cunt and pussy and cock and hard-on work. Personally, I'd stay away from phrases like “vaginal wall” altogether—they make me think of biology text books.

Overall, the story is sweet, and lighter than I'd guessed, based on the opening. I enjoyed your treatment of sex, in the sense that it was a very positive, no jealous melodrama approach. And the ending neatly and sweetly wrapped up the story; Jodi's transformation is complete and positive and makes sense as a the result of her friendship with Ian—nicely done.

-Nasha

 

[Darkniciad]

I'll give you a read in a little while. Have to go pick up my son in a couple of minutes. If nobody posts after me, I'll just edit this post once I read the story.

Feedback and voting in Sci-Fi/Fantasy is usually pretty sparse compared to categories like Romance, Erotic Couplings, etc. If you've written in one of the "mainstream" cats, then you'll certainly see a lot less votes/feedback in Sci-Fi/Fantasy. The opposite holds true when you come out of the niche cats and write something in Romance. The response to my first story outside of Fantasy/Horror blew me away *laugh*

EDIT:

Looking at the previous post, I almost feel like just posting "ditto" My own thoughts are near identical. The only thing I'll add is that the small bits of dialogue within some of those large paragraphs really jumped out at me. Most of that is during the sex scene. Switching gears in the middle of the paragraph to such small bits of dialogue is hard for the brain to wrap around.

Love the ending

 

[EddyFox]

Wonderful feedback

Thanks very much for the feedback. That is EXACTLY what I was looking for.

EddyFox

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

It's all been pretty much said. One thing I can add is, you have a number of impossibly long paragraphs. Try and keep them to 6-8 screen lines, especially on the first page. You will get more reads that way.

I write in the Sci-Fi cat occasionally. That catagoy is always a tough sell because the readers are knowlegable and decerning.

You did good.

JJ

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Eddy

Liked the concept very much and the deft touch you have with romance and humor is good.

You asked a question about feedback and no-one's addressed it yet. I usually agree with the writers who have already commented here but, and it's probably me marching out of step here, I found your story structure took something away from the lovely interplay between Jodi and Ian.

Yes, the opening dialog line grabs you, but the next paragraph slows the pace and lowers the tension. She needs to slam the door, get out on the beach and meet the leprechauns ASAP. Having reflections on her life as she walks is fine. As Nasha says, the comment about the senior prom defines the girl.

I think you let the first part, immensely charming as it is, go on a little too long. Cathy's presence is never explained, the family is given too high a profile and you don't fully use the sunscreen episode to ignite the romantic/erotic tension. It would make your great ending even more emphatic.

I am a great believer in making quantum jumps in stories but you end part one in the middle of a scene. One second he's sitting on a sofa and then?

As Jenny never tires of saying, there is no room for description and side-issues in short stories. The sprite is an irrelevance, however witty, that shouldn't be there. The space would be better given to thoughts of Jodi and Ian when thinking about each other. In fact, I think the minor characters are given a bit too much prominence.

You've got a good score for the story, but a lack of feedback: why?

Others, no doubt, will disagree strongly, but I don't think you make your main characters quite strong enough or explore the romantic tension. Even the sex scenes are low-key. Despite a lovely storyline, writing that is well above the average here, you leave us not caring quite enough about the future of the leprechaun and his blossoming flower.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed Hidden Dreams enough to be planning to read the rest of your stories in the near future. You write well and have a talent for plot that is to be admired.

Well done.

 

[Nasha]

Others, no doubt, will disagree strongly, but I don't think you make your main characters quite strong enough or explore the romantic tension. Even the sex scenes are low-key. Despite a lovely storyline, writing that is well above the average here, you leave us not caring quite enough about the future of the leprechaun and his blossoming flower.

Actually, I think Elfin makes good points. My sense of Jodi was strongest, and she was most attractive, for me, in that opening prose paragraph. The rest of the time, you give us things to empathize with--her insecurity, her struggle to get into the swing of it at college, etc.--but you don't give us so much to know and like about her as a person.

And the sexual tension is pretty light, and as Elfin points out, the lotion scene is a perfect time to tease the reader, along with the main characters, with a little unsatisfied want. The time when I really feel a connection between Jodi and Ian is when he turns up at campus. If you could weave some of that kind of feeling into their sexual interactions, it would make the sex more exciting, and make the overal story more compelling by letting the reader feel why Jodi wants to be with Ian instead of Mike.

-Nasha

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Nasha

Thanks. In the opening part Jodi was strong,forceful but subjugated to her family's views.

The path to the final paragraph should have been straighter and more concentrated on Ian and Jodi, surely.

 

[EddyFox]

There were a number of points I turned up in my research that I wanted to include in the story:

Leprechauns focus their magic in transitions, hence dancing on the shore (not the land or the sea) at dusk (not day or night) at the solstice (not spring or summer).

Leprechauns give wishes to get their gold back and use the offer of a 4th wish to trap the greedy.

Leprechauns repair the shoes of the other faery folk, but they don't like it, hence the scene with the sprite.

The adherence to these points may have cost me some.

I really appreciate the feedback, guys. Thanks. Eddy