Request for feedback on "Yolanda, How she played" by JohnL600

[JohnL600]

What I wanted to do was write a story in less than 1500 words.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=437625

This is my first submission and also the first story I have ever finished. I guess that’s why I wanted to keep it short.

I submitted it without using a literotica editor and it was rejected the first time. I made the corrections and resubmitted.

I would really appreciate comments on how I could improve. Both the story and the style.

Years ago I would sit in a piano bar, listen to the music and watch people. The story is a fantasy I conjured up after watching the interaction of a couple.

In the amount of words I gave myself there really wasn’t space to do deep character development.

Are they believable the way I have presented them?

I have trouble writing sex scenes because I tend to skip over them in my reading. But I think the audience here prefers them.

Was it believable? Was it too graphic or not enough?

I don’t know what a good score is for a first time writer but the feedback I have received (three of them) has been positive.

I really didn’t know how it would end until it ended.

Did I put it in the correct category?

Comments will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you very much,
John

 

[lance gt]

Okay, gave it a read and it was nicely done. A few small punctuation errors, but nothing serious, probably just an over-sight as opposed to an unknowing slip. As for sex, the sky's the limit as to how graphic you want it to be, but keep in mind it can lessen the intent of the story. It should compliment the structure, by that I mean, if it's a short and dirty wanking story looking for a good CQ (cum-quotient) then give it all you've got, no holds barred. If you are looking to protray a loving sexual partnership, keep it hot, but use wordage that fits appropriately. Spelling was okay, just a slip or two I noticed. Nothing a good proofreading wouldn't hurt to do before submitting. I like the twist about Carmen thrown in, although a little more time could have been spent on her character and how she fit in with your protagonist. The daughter was nicely portrayed, but she jumped too quickly from a 'fuck you' attitude and back into 'let's fuck' without any conscious thought for the reader to understand why. A good rating depends on which category you write in, as some are tough to get a good readership in. LW is the worst by far as two different factions reside there and hate each others opinions, so one side might like it and the others don't. This would definitely be an 'Erotic Couplings' or Mature story, because of the age difference. The editors will always decide what it fits in by their standards. Don't be too concerned about scoring, as it takes awhile for the interested ones to read it. I'm sure other writers will come by and give it a look and tell you what they think of it. Good job so far, keep at it. Lance

 

[JohnL600]

Thank you very much for your comments. I will go through the story and try and find the punctuation and spelling errors.

I understand what you are talking about Yolanda going from cold to hot. I think her idea was to get him into bed to get back at her mother, or possible him, and she did what ever was necessary to accomplish that end.

Again, thank you for your comments.

 

[lance gt]

Well John, you answered another question yourself, that readers would have. How would they know why Yolanda was doing this to him. The punctuation I mentioned was a comma here and there that helped to break up the sentence for clarity. It's the details in the right areas that can make or break the story.

 

[JohnL600]

Well John, you answered another question yourself, that readers would have. How would they know why Yolanda was doing this to him. The punctuation I mentioned was a comma here and there that helped to break up the sentence for clarity. It's the details in the right areas that can make or break the story.

I think one of the reasons I left it vague was I wanted the readers to wonder why. So I really didn't put a lot of thought into why she did it. If I continue with the story I know I'll have to answer that.
Thank you for your comments.
John

 

[lance gt]

That was another point I wanted to bring up. Why would Yolanda have anything against her father. In your story, he was arrested and jailed because of the dissappearance of Carmen. It seems Carmen should be the one her daughter feels spite for, not her father. If Yolanda wanted to get back at her mother by bedding her father, she would be hurting an innocent victim. Something to watch out for in your plot.

 

[JohnL600]

I don't know what her mother said about him while she was growing up. Perhaps she blames them both and wants to strike back at them. Or perhaps Yolanda is just sociopathic bitch. From the way she laughed when they were discovered I would expect the latter to be closer to the trugh.
John

I used the wrong relpy when I first replied to this. I think I hit report. I wondered the format was different.

 

[lance gt]

See John, there are holes in your story that readers will find and want answered. This is what drives a story down from liking it. The details of your plot must be answered in one form or another to satisfy them. They can forgive the writer for grammar and spelling, but if the plot is weak and doesn't ring true, they'll murder you in feedback for it. I know, some of my earlier work is getting barraged by flamers as I write and I'm expalining it to them as they post their comments, Lance

 

[JohnL600]

Now you have me thinking I should write a prequil.

 

[lance gt]

That may or may not work. I guess it depends on how long your story has been posted. More than a week and some might not understand what it's about. Still, give it a try and see if you can straighten out the plot for people.

 

[lance gt]

p.s. it's prequel, like sequel, just have to watch your spelling, lol